Please don't judge me

[EmilyD2012]

Is anyone here frightened about losing their life?

All I've ever wanted is to be a mum, and after losing a baby last year I feel like the luckiest person ever to be carrying my baby. I am 39 weeks so expecting him any day now.

Just recently the fear has started to creep in about everything that I'm going to lose in becoming a mum. I feel guilty feeling it, I feel guilty typing it. I know that this is the most incredible gift and that I will love my son more than life itself, but my partner is carrying on as normal - out on a Friday night while I sit here alone - and I feel I'm being left behind.

I can't go out anymore; I'm far too achey and tired all the time and to be honest am probably rubbish company anyway. I've lost that side of my social life already. My stomach is now covered in stretch marks. I just feel like a fat, lonely lump.

Just wondered whether this is familiar to anyone else on here? I feel like a terrible person.

No judgement here. I have a DH who continues his life as though we have no children. I often find myself home alone feeling like a dutiful 50's housewife. Having finally got a balance myself I find myself 32 weeks with our second (DS is 6) and feeling like I am about to lose my life all over again. I love my kids but there is no doubt that there are times when the sacrifies I make really get me down. It is a balance for sure and there is no doubt that the good out weighs the bad but you are perfectly normal (imo) for feeling as though you are being left behind. Just don't become a doormat like me and make sure you find time for what you want to do. Trust me - I could wheel out dozens of mums who feel the same as you - and they are all truly wonderful people who are super mums.

I wish I'd actually thought about it more when I was pregnant to be honest. I found it incredibly hard when my DS was born because I missed my old life and resented the fact he was stopping me from doing the things I used to do.

It took me some time, and I still miss my old life, but eventually I came to realise that my new life was different but better than my old one.

So, no, you're not alone.

In the last couple of weeks of pregnancy, having been walking on air throughout, I was overcome with terror about all sorts of things. Proper, what-have-we-done fear. As soon as our baby arrived it was all blown away.

I think it's perfectly natural and will all unfold as it should do. Just ride it.

Also, I found I didn't give a stuff about losing my previous life when dd arrived, but a) after 18 months or so a lot of fun aspects of 'life before' started to return (the odd weekend away, nights out etc) and b) I have friends for whom holding on to their old identity/life was a priority, and do you know what? They made it happen. Sharing parenting equally, good childcare, and refusing to feel guilt (and, in their cases, bottle feeding) meant their lives have stayed v similar really. Nowt wrong with that if that's what you choose.

How you're feeling sounds pretty normal to me, Emily! Really, you have no reason to be feeling guilty.... however, when I was pregnant with my first child (I'm pregnant with #4 now) a more experienced Mum said to me, 'with motherhood, you get 4 tablespoons of guilt for every 1 tablespoon of joy.' At the time I didn't really get what she was talking about, but sure enough, after my son was born I understood perfectly! As a Mum it's typical to feel guilty for pretty much everything. But you know what? Us Mums are human too. Remember to be kind, nurturing and compassionate with yourself... your child will benefit only from that. No child benefits from having a mother who beats herself up.

You are entitled to feel the way you are feeling and I think it's something that nearly every new Mum goes through at some stage. :) After my first child was born I was resentful that my husband still got to go out to work, still got to have a social life, his body was still intact and so on and so forth. But you know, I soon realised that this seemed to be a fairly normal reaction since most of the Mums in my mother's group confessed to having the same sorts of feelings as me towards their husbands. Honestly, finding solace and support in other women who are going through the same thing as you and can truly understand you can be the best medicine ever. I don't know how I would have got through those early years without them.

In terms of losing your social life, well, in some ways it could very well be just about to get better! :) In becoming a Mum you will have opportunities to bond and form new friendships with other Mums with babies and young children in a way that you never could before. And the way things were for you socially speaking before baby can return return with time if you want it to. Motherhood is not the end of your life, it's just the beginning of a new one! :) It's an adjustment sure, and you will probably even grieve at times for your old life, but this is normal reaction to any significant change life.

Look after yourself! hugs

I'm aged 34 with DC1 and 28 wks. Also incredibly grateful to be pregnant and similarly a little worried about what changes will come. I've been really lucky to travel extensively with work and family, got a job I love and will admit have had a very selfish existence generally. Whilst I feel i've done a lot of stuff so not missed out in that sense if you see what I mean, just the fact I can't just up and go when I want to do what I want kinda scares me.

Having seen how my sisters and friends have managed, they still have a good social life if that's what you want. Sharing with DP for girls nights, more family friendly BBQs etc., they go away together and do sleepovers for babysitting sharing so I'm hoping for that too! Just as good but different :). Think sometimes people say the bad stuff about DC, but then everyone would only have one!

And there's always Mumsnet....:)

Having children changes your life beyond recognition. Mine are 3.8 and 7 months. It took me a couple of years to appreciate that my life has changed for the better. The "mummy friends" I have made through my DC are some of the most important people I'll ever know. You know what - I don't want my old life any more, the one I have now rocks!

firstly, sorry for your loss x

im not going to lie, I found it incredibly hard after having my 1st DC. it seemed just a trip to the shop wasnt as easy as just grabbing my coat, keys and money!
i loved my son SOOOO much but he couldnt provide me with a conversation to keep me feeling sane!!

id lost all social contact with my friends who i didnt have time for or they were doing something not suited to taking along babies.

as other posters said, my dp (at the time) went out like he was a single man whilst i sit at home alone. didnt help at all and i lost my self esteem / confidence.

have you told your dp how it makes you feel when your left at home? he really needs to be there for you now and when baby is born or you could build up resentment towards him, if not already.

when baby is born you wouldnt be so achey and will be easier to continue socialising without carrying a bump! are you planning on going to toddler group? you could meet up with some of them so your not feeling so cooped up?

i now have 3 DC's and have adjusted to life with kids, wouldnt change it now :)

i understand how you feel, just wanted to let you know your not alone.

good luck for your special day xx

Reading these lovely comments has just made me weep - thank you all so much for your kind words, I can't express the relief I felt reading them and knowing what I'm feeling is not abnormal.

What a great commmunity this is, suddenly I don't feel alone anymore.

Thank you xx

Sounded totally normal to me. Bloody hormones! You are facing a huge change. Life does not stop but it will be so much richer. Xx
Ps. You are never alone here.

A friend said to me when i found out I was pregnant (big shock!) and I was panicking a bit - 'right now you only know what you will lose, not what you will gain'.

And I think that was quite a wise thing to say.
I don't think you should feel at all guilty for worrying about that Emily.

Someone posted a video on facebook yesterday from last summer of me and all my mates on this boat party in croatia all in fancy dress - it was my mate's 30th and he was Noah and we were all animals in pairs. It was one of the best weekends ever and that was one of the best nights I've ever had. It made me really sad to think I will never have another night like that. As even though I am sure I will go out again in my life, it will be be with the same sense of abandon. That's probably better for my health to be honest, but there is still a sense of loss and and something ending.

Ah well, different and I am sure far more rewarding experiences to come. I just don't know what those are and honestly cannot imagine being a mum right now although I am also excited about it.

Makes me glad I waited until now to do this! Not that 'this' was remotely planned!!

I'm single as well! I feel a bit like I am about to commit myself to the convent!!

I think it helps to remember that moments of frustration and regret are totally normal. I am 31 weeks pg with DS2 and DS1 is 14 months. He is a very good baby and I wouldn't be without him but even so there are times when I think to myself 'what have I done??'. Other times I look at him and my heart fills with such joy and pride that I actually feel a bit faint with it. The thing is, neither reaction is the 'right' one - they are both equally valid and part of being a parent.

My life feels like it's got some semblance of normality now that DS has been sleeping through (7-7) for a good few months, and we're over a terrible period of reflux that he had, and he's weaned... And guess what, we're about to do it all again!

But as hard as those early baby days are, I am already revisiting the photos of DS's first few months fondly and marvelling at how small/ cute/ dependant on us he was. It's a cliche but it does go by ever so quickly which has both a good and a bad side - before you know it the baby days are gone and you're wishing them back, but at least you know everything is a 'phase' at this stage and the mantra 'this too shall pass' has never been more appropriate.

Good luck with your new baby Emily!

You have nothing to feel guilty about! Becoming a mum is pretty overwhelming!

However have a chat with you DH please, before your years down the track and full of resentment because his life hasn't altered.

Being a parent can be amazing and very rewarding but you are just as entilted to some time to yourself as he is, whether that's a 2hr long bath or a night out with friends.

I'm expecting dc.3 and I'm scared, and feel overwhelmed. My big two are going to be 4 and 5 and a half when it arrives and they seem like such grown up independant little people and I'm about to start all over again and give up the freedom I've gained, (peeing alone) but after 5yrs in this game me and dp are on the same page and that's what stops it being sufocating.

Welcome to mumsnet and congratulations on your very iminent son, boys are brilliant (so are girls but my boy slept :)) xxx

Thank you so much, this has really helped me to see that this is normal and it has also encouraged me to talk to the dad about how I'm feeling about it all -thank you all so much.

I was more worried about telling him than anyone else, I thought he would judge me and think I was a terrible mother, but as soon as I started talking he said he understood.

Good luck to all of you lovely ladies and thank you again for such kind words of support, I am so grateful

xx