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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Finding out gender - how do you NOT tell people, if your own kids know?

24 replies

flightty · 31/05/2012 16:36

I know I'll want to find out. DP isn't sure yet. I told him I could keep it a secret if he likes, but he thinks that won't be the same, anyway...I digress.

I know the children will want to know as well. They are 9 and 4. What should I do?
what would YOu do?

a) Find out and tell everyone (because loads of people seem to ask)
b) find out, swear the kids to secrecy and watch that fail
c) not find out

d) find out but not tell the kids?

I don't know why I don't want people to know tbh. I think it's that feeling that nothing is private any more. I don't want people to know I am having a boy or a girl before it's born - or what we're going to call it.

Also, how on earth do you NOT tell people when they ask, if you do know, yourself? Without seeming rude, I mean. I don't want to come across as being funny but I just feel like it is nice to have it to ourselves iykwim.

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Original poster

flightty · 31/05/2012 16:37

I suppose we could just say we don't know, but I don't like lying...I just don't want to tell everyone including complete strangers.

OP posts:

keepthechangeyoufilthyanimal · 31/05/2012 16:57

d)
You find out if you want, tell DP if he decides he wants to know but I'm not sure DC age 9 and 4 could keep it secret!

I have a couple of friends who have found out but chose not to tell anyone.
They didn't lie - they were quite clear that they knew but were keeping it a surprise. Maybe do that so you don't have to lie?

ellangirl · 31/05/2012 17:20

You and DP need to agree whether to find out together, and agree on that first. It's not really fair to tell your children and expect them to keep it a secret. If I were you, I would consider not finding out at all!
I know what you mean about telling everyone. A woman I barely know hacked me off the other day by telling me she 'had her fingers crossed for a girl'. I was irrationally annoyed because I felt it was none of her business, even though I would secretly like a girl I would hate to tell someone it was a boy for them to say 'oh never mind' or words to that effect (as I have a DS already).

EATPRALINES · 31/05/2012 19:23

We have known the sex of our baby for a few weeks now and have been asked many times what we are having. Both DH and I just say we don't know. The only problem this time now is we have three older children and it is very hard not to tell them. I know if I do it won't be a secret as they will be unable to keep it and it would be unfair to expect them to. I feel the same as you flightty it is one of those things it is nice to keep to yourselves. I don't find the lying to other people in this respect very difficult. DH and I found out with all my previous pregnancies and never told anyone. It is only keeping it from the children which is difficult. My eldest is ten.

monkeymoma · 31/05/2012 20:26

just say you don't know, we won't tell people when we find out the sex
and if your DC say they're getting a boy/girl just smile and say "yes they really want a brother/sister, hope they're right!"

Paperclips · 01/06/2012 22:52

I like the idea of it being a surprise for friends/family etc, but I don't know how anyone could keep it a secret once they know. How could you resist telling people?

Agree that you definitely need to agree with DP on whether to find out. I'm of the opinion that if one of you doesn't want to know, then neither should- because you can't "un-know" it once you do.I read on here about someone who got the sonographer to write the gender in a sealed envelope, but neither of them opened it.

And what if you want to buy pink/blue things- do you just keep them secret and hide them away?

BBisTitanium · 02/06/2012 09:11

We didn't find out with DS, he will be three when DC2 comes so we are planning on telling him as no one will put much stock in what he says bless him! That said we will def find out and probably end up telling people the sex but WILL NOT tell anyone the name as for me that would be horrid people saying the name all the time. I think it would be impossible for a 4 year old to keep a secret

ShowOfHands · 02/06/2012 09:52

4yo dd told everybody. And it was clear it was fact. She explained about the scan and how disappointing the whole thing was.

DS2 cannot be expected to conceal the info.

Gingerbreadlatte · 02/06/2012 09:55

c)
I think the preference of someone not wanting to know has to take precedence here.

Its not like you won't find out eventually and the kids can't be expected to keep it quiet

Good luck!

minipie · 02/06/2012 15:50

I'd say d)

By the way... if you do find out, but you don't want to tell others, please lie and say you don't know. "We know but we're not saying" is sooo annoying!

CoteDAzur · 02/06/2012 15:51

I would just tell everyone who wants to know.

No big deal.

monkeymoma · 02/06/2012 17:20

"By the way... if you do find out, but you don't want to tell others, please lie and say you don't know. "We know but we're not saying" is sooo annoying"

it sooo is! one of these days I'll reply "I don't actually give a shit, I was just making polite conversation!"
always say you didn't find out if you don't want to say! makes you sound like a knob otherwise!

aliphil · 02/06/2012 17:56

I don't see what's wrong with saying that you prefer not to tell anyone the sex; it's never annoyed me when friends have chosen that option, and it was what we planned to do - if DC had been co-operative enough at the scan for us to find out!

RooibosWithMilk · 02/06/2012 22:47

If you find out and don't want to tell people, just say "It's a surprise" when they ask the sex... it's not lying (you want it to be a surprise for everyone else!) but it's not as annoying as telling them you're not going to tell them.

I think, anyway.

monkeymoma · 02/06/2012 22:55

aliphil here, "oh we know but we're not telling":

Bluestocking · 02/06/2012 23:05

Wouldn't you end up referring to the baby as him/her and giving it away yourself? I'm sure I would have done, if I'd known what sex DS was when he was in utero.

monkeymoma · 02/06/2012 23:10

nope, to each other we used his name, to other people we said "the baby", not difficult at all, didn't even nearly slip up, loved our little secret

Original poster

flightty · 03/06/2012 14:08

Thankyou everyone. I thought we would sound like nobbers if we said 'we know but we're not saying' so that was what I wanted to avoid really.

I agree on not telling anyone names...I hate that question - what are you going to call it - I mean it's so so personal, the child isn't even born yet, it doesn't need to be common knowledge.

I ended up telling people the proposed name last time and then when he was born, I changed it because he didn't look like one. And people kept saying 'Oh it's [such and such]' and I'd have to correct them and it was just wrong. Particularly as most people hated the new name and went quiet.

Anyway I quite like the 'it's a surprise' thing, unless further questions ensue (Oh, so you didn't find out? - what do I say to that?)

I think me and DP need to go through this properly. I've concealed a lot of purchases so far so that won't be a problem

OP posts:

aliphil · 05/06/2012 18:26

monkeymoma, I still don't see why it's annoying. If someone wasn't interested, why would they bother to ask anyway? There are plenty of other things to talk about if you want to make polite conversation. Personally I'd rather not tell than lie, but horses for courses I guess.

monkeymoma · 05/06/2012 18:58

"If someone wasn't interested, why would they bother to ask anyway?"
err same reason people say "hi, how are you?" but don't expect a long winded answer!

People really don't give a shit whether you have a boy or a girl other than the fact it makes it slightly easier to make small talk about the pregnancy/baby once it has a sex, "we found out but we're not telling YOUUU" sounds childish and also implies that it's somehow hot gossip! it's not!, everyone knows you'll have a boy or a girl so either is no big surprize to anyone.

It's one of those standard small talk questions:
when are you due?
is it your first?
do you know what you're having?
etc

"it's a surprize"'ll do! really it will, most people are mentally doing their shopping list by that point anyway! "oh we found out but we don't want to tell anyone till because blah blah blah" is a bit like moaning about your dodgy hip when a neighbour says "hi how are ya?" as they are walking by

monkeymoma · 05/06/2012 19:03

the proof of how much people care is in the responses

all the ones you say "it's a surprize" to say "oh that's nice, I think it's better to have a surprize"
and all the ones you tell the sex to gush about it

d'ya think I grouped the people I didn't tell by people who genuinely think its best not to find oud, and the people I did tell by people who genuinely think its awesome that I did find out?

or was everyone just being polite?

EmpireBiscuit · 05/06/2012 19:08

I don't mean for this to sound rude but why do people find out themselves and not tell anyone else? I've heard it said that it's no one else's business but surely that can be said about all things in life.

Genuinely interested.

monkeymoma · 05/06/2012 19:29

"I don't mean for this to sound rude but why do people find out themselves and not tell anyone else?"

we told a lot of people about the pregnancy by 8 weeks, we should have waited and had some time when it was our little secret, so it was nice to re-gain some privacy re the sex (I know that's not logical but I felt a bit like public property when pregnant)

found out for bonding and for practical reasons (so we could buy second hand stuff as and when it came up - its harder to choose GN when you are relying on second hand) but when it comes to general friends and family.. well just personally I find there's not a lot to say about the birth if you know the sex already, its nice to have something to announce.

This time we've only told a tiny handfull till 12 weeks, so mightn't feel the need for privacy by 20 weeks, or maybe we will? who knows

IMO though when you do tell the sex the people who know the sex feel way more entitled to tell you what you should and shouldn't call it than people who don't know, which is annoying

Everyone who knew we had found out the sex, knew the sex.

TheDetective · 06/06/2012 00:14

We have found out, and have kept it to ourselves. Not told 10 year old DS, even though I desperately want to, but he just won't be able to keep it secret!

Personally, we wanted to know for practical reasons, and because we are SO impatient. This is our baby (no one elses!) and if we want to know, we have that right. Same as we have the right not to share it until the baby has arrived!

We just say we aren't finding out when asked. Its the easiest answer to the question.

It is very hard though, I so want to tell my mum, and DS. But we don't want to tell the world. I know if we share it among the close family, someone will let slip to friends/colleagues etc, and we don't want that.

I love having our little secret between me and DP, it seems even more special somehow??!

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