Monster In Law.

[hippieshake]

Hello.

I'm after a bit of advice about my MIL, please don't judge me, it's a difficult situation.

Basically she and my DH don't have a fantastic relationship. He moved away from her when he was 19 and visits her probably 4-5 times a year (even though she only lives 30mins away.) She is very opinionated and rude, and she always puts him down, hence why he doesn't see her. The only reason he has kept up any sort of contact is because he feels 'obliged' to with her being his Mum.

Since we told her we were having a baby she has shown no interest at all, which suits me fine. Then suddenly on the phone the other day she started talking about looking after the baby, and how she wants to be at the hospital directly after the birth. She seems to have it in her head that she will be spending lots of time with the baby (even though she never asks about her.)

I'm not comfortable with the idea of her looking after the baby on her own. She has already made her views clear on how she believes smacking a child is the best way to discipline, and she's very narrowminded/racist/homophobic...basically everything DH and I aren't. Plus given the fact that we never see her she is practically a stranger to me and I don't want a stranger looking after my baby. Then again, she is the baby's Grandmother.

Do I sit her down and talk to her about it, and let her know that I'm not that comfortable with her having the baby on her own? Or do I just chicken out and make excuses whenever she asks? I hate upsetting people, but I don't want the constant stress hanging over us, especially with this being our first child... and we'd like to enjoy every second.

hippieshake, I suspect that when you hold your baby in your arms you will miraculously overcome those feelings of 'not wanting to upset people', especially in all matters concerning your child. The MIL sounds like a bit of a bully to me. Just don't rise to it, ignore her and if she really pushes, tell a white lie if you must "we have a lovely neighbour very close by who will babysit when needed and beyond that we won't be needing much help... thank you!'.

Grandmothers don't have automatic rights to make decisions about your child, no matter how well-intentioned those might be!

I'd sit her down and make it clear with her ASAP. I assume you will have the support of your DH in this? The longer you leave it the bigger the bubble you are going to burst for her will be.

BTW I support your decision not to let her have your DC unaccompanied but unless/until she does something completely inappropriate, let her visit you/visit her as you see fit.

Thank you :) It's such a relief to hear that I'm not coming across as a complete cow. DH is completely with me on the decision, so I think that sitting her down and telling her is the next step. That'll be fun

I agree with everyone else, telling her now will be the best bet. Unpleasant yes but think of it like ripping off a plaster. Better to have a row now than when you have a tiny newborn to contend with.

May I advise you don't tell anyone (who will tell MIL) that you are at the hospital. You can also say you want no visitors except for your DH. Easier to say no to visitors at home too.

Hi Hippi, I usually lurk but this is my area of expertise, so have had to come out of hiding. I've had years of MIL problems- and there are a few mistakes I made early on, that I think can be of use to you.
Firstly, let you DH deal with your MIL. You say you barely know her- leave it like that, and let anything she might view as upsetting,come from him. It is they that have the lifelong relationship/animosity, and you get mixed up with it at your peril.
I wish I'd done that- I always waded in, fighting our battles but all I got was ALL the blame.
As Belchica said, your feeling will only become stronger when you're actually a mother. If a MIL-DIL relationship is going to hit trouble, it is almost always after kids come along.
Nobody can expect or receive access to children when they don't have a close relationship to the parents. Unless your MIL starts plaguing you about access, you probably won't need to have really explicit conversations about it. A " hmm, we'll see" might suffice.
Your baby is all your own, and you and your DH are the only ones who decide for her.
The advice about DH dealing directly with his parents goes for you with your parents too. The potentially unpleasant stuff should come from you. It really is a better way to deal with ILs. I'm gong to apply the same rules when I have sons and daughters in Law.

I'd be bluntly honest.

It's going to be a horrible conversation but it will be so much better for you to have everything out in the open, rather than not knowing what to do or say, or making excuses later on.

I kind of understand where you're coming from in some respects as my IL's have very different views to me on pretty much everything. But DP works with them and we see them far too much (well since DD was born, before that we didn't spend much time with them outside of work). I wish I'd known how much time they wanted to spend with DD before and we could have worked things out more carefully. It's been very difficult as we feel like we're having constant battles with them over so many things. They had her alone for the first time when she was 4 months and fed her rice pudding. We hadn't weaned her and DP and I were so angry with them for taking a decision into their own hands. It also meant I was really worried thinking the lumps in her nappy meant something was wrong with her. Grrr!
They've also suggested having her overnight but that's not happening!

And I totally agree there's no way you should allow your MIL at the hospital

Oh, I sympathise!! My MIL is pretty hellish, perhaps I can give you the benefit of hindsight in some of the issues we had post-baby. Bit of background - before we had DS she was competely disinterested in us as a couple (came to our flat twice in 3 years!) But developed a strong interest once she had a grandchild!!

Decided to take it upon herself to wait at the hospital whilst I was having an emergency section with an extremely premature baby, who was promptly whisked to NICU & me off to HDU. Thankfully DP's phone was switched off so we didn't know she was there!

Then decided she wanted to visit weekly once DS got home - aargh!! She expected a hot meal cooked from scratch, never offered any help whatsoever with that or anything else - despite me being housebound as DS was on oxygen - it was hellish!

So my advice is: get your boundaries in place now ie no visits in hospital, you will have her to see the baby (or go there if that suits better - so you can leave when you need to!) when you are ready. Perhaps you can think of some things you'd be happy to involve her with eg picking pram/cot so that you can involve her on your terms. It's good your DH is backing you up too - it'll be a team effort.

And good luck!

(ps your MIL & mine sound so similar - poor you!)

Your partner also need to do his bit! what is he doing????
you are describing my mother!!! I have told her quite clearly she is not to turn up at the hospital. She initially said ok and has now said that she is my mother so will do what she likes and I can't stop her. As she has totally disregarded my feelings, request etc and is, like your MIL very rude, I expect she will just ignore what I want. We both feel we have made out views clear and she has chosen not to respect our wishes so therefore have made a decision that we are not going to tell her or anyone on my side of the family that I am in labour. That way she cant do her usual self absorbed rude behaviour and I can be stress free. The world does not and will not revolve around her feelings so I would sit her down, tell her that and remember that you are quite within your rights to make any choice you want about YOUR family! good luck and isnt it a nightmare!!

lotsofcheese your MIL sounds EXACTLY like mine. I know if she came over to our house she'd sit and expect to be brought cups of tea and things without ever offering to help us.

Thank you so much to everyone, you've all made me feel so much better about it. I'm going to stand my ground, and also get DH to pull his finger out. He is of the ignore-the-problem-and-it'll-hopefully-go away-variety.