Good/bad idea? Not reading ANY books or mags on pregnancy/babies.....

[feesh]

It's very bad that I keep comparing having children to getting a dog, but I just can't help it! Last year, we got a dog, and I did my usual thing of really reading up on everything, making sure I logged into forums for support and reading ALL of the recommended books.

The thing is, I totally tied myself up in knots about it and ended up driving myself nuts, because there was so much conflicting advice, that I ended up being unable to trust my own instincts and messing things up with the training.

So I've pretty much made a vow to myself not to read any pregnancy or baby books - I've already got a sense that there is a lot of conflicting information out there e.g Gina Ford pros vs. cons and I don't want to get dragged into it all.

Attachment parenting is the Big Thing among the expat community I live in and I want to try and keep away from that as well - it makes me feel a bit icky to be honest with all these Mums bending over backwards to be the perfect Mum (which is surely impossible and just setting yourself up for failure) and being all competitive about it.

My friend has read all the books and she speaks in constant "should" mode i.e. "I should be spending more time with my toddler", "You should always offer a toddler two choices to give them some power to make decisions" etc. etc. and basically putting sooo much pressure on herself over what she "should" be doing all the time that I don't think it can be healthy and she seems wrought with anxiety.

Am I completely stupid to want to shut out the outside world like this? After all, I'm sure things have changed since I was brought up and maybe I am going to miss out on learning things? After all, once I'd eventually found the right path with my dog, I ended up relying on the most up to date training methods which have proved to be very powerful indeed.

I feel like I want to be a bit old fashioned already - some of these modern touchy-feely techniques don't sit well with me, but I know I will get sucked into them and drive myself into an anxious mess if I even start reading up on them!

I haven't ever read a single book or article about pregnancy or babies. I'm expecting my third, and both DS and DD have turned out fine. I just followed my instincts.
I documented myself about breastfeeding though, because I knew that in France doctors and midwives aren't trained about it.

Will you still read stuff on mumsnet though? That's how I found all the dog stuff I needed! I might have gone down the wrong route without it. There's not such a clear cut 'right and wrong' with parenting though!

Magazines are useless and just full of advertising in various forms. I was given a bundle with first pg but haven't touched one this time. Tje books, well, wait till you see what you need advice on, if anything.

Anyway, didn't know you were pregnant. Congratulations!

There is no right path. That's why there are so many books!

They have their place for offering hints and tips that you can try or ignore, some can reassure, some can give you the guilts. I read lots while I was pregnant with my first DC and it all went out of the window once I realised that I was dealing with a little being with their own unique set of needs, working in a unique context - our family context. Once I realised that what worked for others may or may not work for us (and that's ok if it doesn't) I unclenched.

You won't be able to shut out the outside world - people will judge and offer their opinions (tell you what they think you should be doing) at every stage of you early parenting journey.

I think it's absolutely fine not to obsess over the books. And obviously if you need advice or reassurance when you're in the middle of it then you know where to come!

Thanks Belindarose - yes it was actually discovering the Doghouse (after about 3 or 4 months of dog ownership unfortunately) which eventually put me on the right path! I am sure I will be back in there soon, if this pregnancy progresses (early days!) to get advice on dogs vs. babies!

I will be relying on the Mumsnet forums I think, rather than reading books, to generally distill all the of the information out there into sensible, bite-sized chunks of different points of view from which I can find my own way.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who wants to try and stay away from books. I am actually dreading telling people and starting to get all the advice coming in and books thrust in my hand!

Anyway it's early days yet - I'm only 6 weeks so there is a long way to go. I just hope I stay as relaxed and open-minded about it all as I am at the moment!

Agree everyone. I would like to add that I thought my instincts would kick in....and they didn't! They left me high and dry. I'm much better with dogs tbh. The only book I bought was a straight waste of money. Things only got easier when I realised I had to just stop insisting - a routine, sleep like this, feeding like that etc and just start relaxing and enjoying my baby. Hope you do too!

Actually I found What To Expect The First Year very handy just because it said, in almost all cases, "yes this is quite normal, loads of babies do this" and "this is how you deal with it". Advice in all cases was very much the official mainstream view (except on nutrition, where they're madly precious).

The complete absence of "maybe this, maybe that" which you get on MN was very confidence-inducing, but actually more important when it came to The Toddler Years, where confidence that you have the answer, and a technique at your fingertips to use in times of crisis are all-important.

But that's just me.

I read a (one) pregnancy book because I was fascinated with the changes that were occurring in me & my baby, however, when it came to the post-baby bit, I flicked through the chapter & commited anything of interest to memory but generally followed my own instincts.

I had never even heard of Gina Ford until DD was a few months old

If I had an issue, I talked to my DM & DMIL or looked it up, & generally went with my gut. I don't think you have to read books or follow a particular 'doctrine', its whatever works for you.

Chunkychicken - slightly OT but your user name gave me MASSIVE craving for M&S Chunky Chicken out of a tin the other day. So I sent OH off to the only 2 M&S branches we have over here and told him not to come back without some - they only sell tinned food here, not the fresh stuff, so I assumed his chances were quite high. I got all excited before he got back about my forthcoming meal.

They didn't sell it. I was gutted!

And I'm still slightly fixated with it (my Mum used to give it me as comfort food when I was sick) so I am actually thinking of stocking up on some next time I go back to England......

Tragic or what?!

I purposefully avoided every last one like the plague feesh. I read up on the NHS guidance although had a ceremonial burning session for the Purple book as it's bugger all use and then just read every thread on MN about pregnancy and childbirth and parenting.

Books tell you what, in the author's view, should happen, and that this is the only way. MN demonstrates that for every baby, there is a different way of doing something, but you're going to find one that does what yours does, and more importantly a parent that's lived through it and can provide advice on what does happen.

Sometimes the books 'work', as the particular baby happens to fit that specific regime, but trying to force a baby to do anything, especially very early on, is just a receipe for unhappiness.

I know a lot is down to luck- wise words of MN- but I think this approach has contributed to a cheerful few months for me and my DS, and DP too.

I bought a few mags but since then have only bothered with advice from my best friend and MN. Much rather have realistic advice and all the fors and againsts from real people than a book. I've learnt lots!

I did not read any books- instead I watched the NCT DVD

The ones which tell you what you "should" do are annoying as they all contradict each other. However, I like the "What to Expect" ones as they tend to have quite useful medical sections. By reading through these, alarm bells may be set off when you notice X happending during your pregnancy or when your DC displays those symptoms whereas if you hadn't read about it in advance, you may not know it could be the sign of a problem. For example, I suddenly got really itchy the other day &, as I was aware of the symptoms from the book, knew it could be obstretric choleostasis & so made an appt with the GP rather than wait until I saw the MW 10 days later when I may or may not have mentioned it in passing. Its also useful to have a hard copy of something to check against in the middle of the night when you're having a panic about something - for example, when I was trying to work out whether I was having contractions, BH or suffering from trapped wind the other night or when DD's temperature has reached X and I can't remember whether that is particularly dangerous or not. Yes, the internet (and MN in particular) will have the answer but, in the middle of the night, it may take a while before you get a response. Or the power may go down meaning you can't access the internet - as it did last week when I thought I was having contractions.

When me and OH got our dog (or as he was then, puppy) almost 3 years ago I was fortunate enough to already know about dog care and the different training approaches, and knew where I fitted. We only had 2 dog books and if I do say so myself did a very good job of training him.

With DC1 on the way I've read 1 pregnancy book as I find the development going on with my baby quite fascinating and love to know what's happening when, but I've gone no further and haven't read any child raising/development books. I have this feeling that a child is way too complicated to try bringing up from a book, I've no impulse at all to try. They're definitely not comparable to training a dog (though do still find myself saying "we did ok with him, I'm sure we'll be fine with a child" - more to reassure myself no doubt as I've no clue about raising a child!).

I think you already have the right idea, trust your instincts

LOL feesh sorry about that. I actually chose ny name because, when pregnant with DD, I was too fat to do the 'funky chicken' dance so did the Chunky chicken instead . Hope you get your comfort food soon :)

Hmm, it depends.

I think it can be good to steer away from books, and magazines are certainly a waste of time.

But if you rely on the medical professions to help you have the type of birth you want (within the boundaries of what nature throws at you) and to breastfeed (if you want to) you may well sadly be left high and dry. I think factual information about that kind of thing is invaluable.

hello
I've just been thinking about this very thing this evening! so very helpful to read this. I'm early days pregnant (7 weeks) and have spent a good few hrs on amazon looking at all the different books out there (and yoga DVDs for prenatal yoga) and feeling totally overwhelmed! And was thinking 'do I really need to read all this? However I am interested in having as natural birth as possible (fingers crossed all being well) and came across two books that I thought might be worth a look - has anyone read these books? The Gentle Birth Method: The Month-by-month Jeyarani Way Programme, Gowri Motha, and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth?? Thank you!

I read a Gowri Motha baby book. She was a bit woo for me - lots of guff about homeopathy. Haven't read the pregnancy one.

Ina May is amazing. Her book would be a good choice to feel positive about a natural birth, but I think you'd need to understand the biological mechanisms and basics a bit first.

I'm pretty much of the same attitude as many posters. I'm 34 weeks with DC1, and made a decision a couple of months ago to not buy any of the baby books people kept going on about - an hour on Amazon reading reviews was enough to convince me that I'd only get confused/stressed/annoyed at the different preachy attitudes!! I bought a couple of magazines early on, before realising they are basically carriers for adverts, and really not aimed at people like me!

A friend gave me Ina May Gaskins Guide to Childbirth - very good read if you are interested in natural childbirth (I am), lots of positive stories. I've also bought a week by week developmental guide to the first year, which I haven't read yet but should give me an idea of roughly what to expect from the baby. I might buy a reference book like the What to Expect one, or the follow on to Rough Guide to Pregnancy which is a great book :)

I was shocked at our recent NCT classes to find that at least two of the other couples already have schedules worked out "he'll be doing the 10pm feed, I'm doing the 2am"!). These were the same couples who had clearly read all the books and were completely set on being routine-driven parents, convinced that picking up a crying newborn will "spoil them".

Maybe I am being hopelessly naive, but I am just planning on going with the flow and enjoying trying to figure it out as we go along!! If my baby is crying, I don't want to be picking up a book - I want to pick up the baby. But if we are all going insane through lack of sleep after the first few weeks, maybe I'll change my mind . That is certainly what some of our friends think will happen!

Just to add - I do have 3 books on pregnancy that we read each week, but that is in part because it took us so damn long to get pregnant (multiple IVF cycles), and having had a previous late miscarriage, we both just wanted to know as much as possible about what should be happening and when!

I generally do stacks of reading, it's what I do.

However, I do think there is so much rubbish around pregnancy and babies that I avoid a lot of it. There's so much exploitation of vulnerable women by people trying to sell their 'model', setting the mother up to feel like a failure, and add to her feelings of guilt.

I've have been reading stuff that is congruent with my own views around pregnancy and childbirth. I think that with that aspect, if you don't want to follow the medicalised model you need to know your own stuff. I also have a doula who I can ask about anything, so I tend to ask her and she might send me some information/references to follow up. This tends to be in a more technical , research papers kind of vein. Cos that's what floats my boat. This I would not be without at all, as otherwise I'd end up in a sausage machine I don't want to be in.

For babies I have 'My mother wears combat boots' and 'Hip Mamma survivial guide', cos they have some information, but it tends to be in the don't get too hung up about it vein.

I love love love Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth. Because it makes me feel happy and positive, tempered with a good dose of realism. It counters what for me needs countering.

The only other thing I've read is 'Misconceptions', to fire my political maternity rights belly.

That said, I now realise I am a liar, as I do also have a pregnancy week by week book, but that's really to look at the pictures and say 'did you know it's now the size of an avocado'. I filter out anything that isn't congruent with my own views.

So I'd say it depends on your approach, and whether you are happy to just go with the flow really. If you don't read anything re pregnancy/childbirth you will end up in a particular model, which might well be just fine for you. With parenting, if you don't read anything you might end up feeling hassled by everyone else's views without having read anything to validate your views, or you might not feel like that at all.

If you are going to do any reading, I would try and do it while pregnant as you'll probably be too knackered to take any of it in once the baby arrives. That's what I found, anyway! :)

I am a Gina Ford fan, but that's probably because she suits my personality of liking to be in relative control of a situation. That doesn't mean I sacrificed my baby's needs (I find a lot of anti-GF threads take the point of view that its somehow a choice between mother and baby) and we were all a lot happier in the long run. My DD is now 2.5, has never been left to cry and is visibly happy in her routine.

That said, GF is definitely not for everyone, just as the Baby Whisperer et al are not for everyone. Agree with Alice on this point - you have to do what's right for you and your personality - MN is a great source of advice but there are many, many, varying personalities on here. What works for me, won't work for a lot of others.

On the instinct front, I found I had none when I brought my daughter home from hospital. I thought I should have and everyone told me to trust my instincts, so I would then beat myself up about not having any!!! Went through 10 months of being pretty unhappy before I realised that I needed help from a book which matched my personality type. That was right for me - of course, it may not be right for you.

well people TALK about instinct, but in my case it was bollocks!
I think what people call "instinct" when it comes to babies is actually more learnt behaviour from observing siblings and friends and other parents
I hadn't really observed much baby care in my life (only child, didn't really have mum friends at that point), so being allowed to take that child home with me was like being sat at the controls of a fighter jet without ever having had one lesson!

I read lots of books when pregnant and I'm glad I did, thing is, once the baby is there if your instincts are fired up and working for you, you can then disregard all you read

however, if you don't read when pregnant then find, oh, WHAT instincts? then you are too tired/busy to read much and properly consider what you are reading.

"I feel like I want to be a bit old fashioned already - some of these modern touchy-feely techniques don't sit well with me"

what you think you'll want to do, and what suits the actual baby you get, can be two very different things!

so we read em all, then when it turned out that we had a Gina Ford type baby, we had the tools to respond to that, had he been an attatchment type, we'ld have done that. No way to "decide" what'll work for your baby in advance

also there are medical things to take into account, my child had jandice so HAD to be fed on a Gina Ford type routine at the start anyway, the medical advice from the hospital was to wake to feed and not let him go over 3 hours in day or 5 hours at night (which is GF) - 100% baby led would never have worked because he was a sleepy jaundice baby who didn't wake to feed but needed to be fed a lot to treat the jaundice