What's wrong with me?

[aliphil]

I am 25+5 pregnant with what was a very much wanted baby - we were trying for three years, including one miscarriage, before getting lucky - but I don't feel lucky at all now. In fact I feel completely miserable and am not sure I want a baby at all. I just don't think I'll be able to look after it properly; it isn't as if I'm good at anything else practical so why should this be different? All the mothers I know are so much more confident and competent than I am, and the ones I knew before they had children were like that before as well.

Also I am rather worried about family stuff. My father and brother were moderately abusive when I was younger; I am not too worried about my brother as he lives abroad and I rarely see him, but I really don't want my father round my child - only I don't feel I can cut off contact as his mother is still alive and I don't want to upset her. And then all the more usual problems of interfering in-laws - two sets as DH's parents are divorced and both remarried - plus as DH is a minister we have the whole congregation feeling they can comment, advise, pontificate, criticise, etc. I am not coping with this now and fear it will only get worse.

All this sounds so whiney and I know I should be happy, especially having wanted a baby for so long, so why can't I behave properly? I really do not like myself at the moment.

Your hormones could be making you feel worse than perhaps you normally would. Is there someone you can talk to about how you feel? People go through such a range of emotions when pregnant, but it sounds like you could do with deciding how you will deal with your family before the baby gets here. I can't offer much advice but its probably a much more in depth chat you need, with someone you can trust and who knows you.

You don't need to be good at practical things to look after a baby. And I'm sure everyone has doubts about whether they are 'good enough', whether it's feeding the baby or working hard enough. And I bet the mothers you know aren't as confident as they seem - they are just good at looking confident.

Well firstly, congratulations
Secondly, regarding your father , does you dp know about how you feel about him? He absolutely doesn't have to have any contact with your child. Your grandma will I assume be aware of your history with your dad? Your child and you have good grounds to refuse contact.
First time mothers get help, advice, criticism, words of wisdom etc from every bill, Tom, dick, Harry and chris. Don't worry about what anyone says. It will take a little time to adjust to your new life with a baby, but it takes everyone time.
You will know your baby best. You will learn what he/ she likes and dislikes, and what settles him/ her and what doesn't. Some advice and help is worthy of remembering, but the rest just file into your baby brain recycling bin.
Motherhood is a learning curve and everyone first time around gets the jitters about how they'll cope, wonder if their baby will like them, will we know what to do etc - completely normal thinking. The fact that you are thinking about it shows you will be a good mum IMO.
Relax. Enjoy bring pg and being a couple with your dp for the last few months. Take what people say with a pinch of salt, and always refer to mn in a crisis
Good luck x

I think how you are feeling is perfectly reasonable. I have gone through similar after a previous mc.
Have you spoken to your mw or GP about this? (or both, my mw wasn't interested and told me to see the GP). Most NHS counselling services will prioritise pregnant women for counselling. It might help an awful lot to talk this over with an objective professional who can give you some tools for coping.

There is support out there from your GP or midwife if you ask for it, normally in the shape of a referral to counselling. It might be worth asking about especially if you feel there are unresolved issues from your childhood that are worrying you.
And the other posters are right of course- hormones mess with your head, and everyone feels scared when it sinks in when it sinks in that you really are having a baby!

I felt the similar with my second pregnancy - this one - currently 29 weeks.

It's passed a bit now that I'm getting further on. I already have a 16 month old who does brighten up my life - The motherly stuff does come naturally and you don't even have to think about it. So don't worry about that.

I think it's natural to feel a bit put off by the whole thing when pregnancy makes you think about your own childhood and the bad things that happened. Don't let anyone else make you feel miserable.

When your baby comes, it's just you two and the whole world can b*gger off. That baby will love you more than anything in the world and you'll love it just as much - even if it doesn't feel like it straight away.

You'll do anything for that little face and those little feet and hands. Drop everyone you don't feel comfortable around - I did and there's been arguments but who cares? You've got your baby and you don't need negative people!

Thank you all. My DH has been trying to persuade me to get counselling but I said no, partly because previous experience suggests I wouldn't actually get to see anyone until the baby's about a year old (that time we went private but now I'm not working we can't afford to) ... but if there is priority for pregnant women it might be worth trying. Also I have a vague idea there is a pay-what-you-can-afford scheme for clergy families which could be worth looking into if the NHS can't help.

My granny doesn't know anything about history with my father, nor does my mother. The thing is, it was mostly mental/emotional rather than physical/sexual abuse, so difficult to explain or quantify to anyone who wasn't there (my mother wasn't for the worst bits as they'd split up by then) and I feel feeble for complaining when other people have had to go through so much worse. My DH knows but tends to think of it as being all in the past and we don't have to see my father very often (once or twice a year at most), so why can't I at least be civil now? Can you tell he hates confrontation? However, he did have one relatively sensible point to make, which was that at the very least, we can make sure that my father is never alone with the child.

My father takes no interest in me most of the time, but tends to feign it when there is some big event at which he can play the part of the devoted father (my graduations and my wedding spring to mind). I have a horrible feeling he will do the same over this first grandchild; I am just hoping I will have the guts to say something like, "Yes, your grandchild, in whom you took no interest at all between us telling you he/she was on the way and his/her birth ..." In contrast to my mother and in-laws, who can all be annoying, but who phone regularly to enquire after our health and offer advice (and more usefully, to offer to pay for things). Actually maybe this bit should be under AIBU - am I?

Still mixed up but feeling a bit better today, so thank you all again!

Firstly just a big virtual hug. It's very easy to get massively upset when you are pregnant and to start thinking very negatively. I don't think you are being unreasonable in any of the things that you are thinking though. Seriously, if you don't want your baby anywhere near your father then that's totally your choice. Well your's and DH's anyway. You could always try only seeing him when you are with DH and not letting him be alone with your child.

Mostly though, I think the counselling is a good idea. It's such an easy time to doubt yourself and panic and having support is important.