Can't relax or enjoy myself- please help.

[Deliasays]

Hello,
Really hoping somebody can help me with this as I think I'm going crackers and I am definitely spoiling my first pregnancy for myself and DH.
I'm almost 39 weeks. Since an episode of reduced movement at 36 weeks (all fine,) I am unable to stop worrying about my baby's movements. I have this feeling of dread that something is going to go wrong, and I wake every morning and sometimes through the night convinced that the baby has died. Some days I'm almost in tears before breakfast, picturing the worst until baby wakes up. DH is very reassuring and never makes me feel ridiculous, but I think this is a problem.

Just some examples of the crazy:

-I worry about leaving the house for long periods of time in case I lose track of how many times the baby has moved and miss signs of distress.

-There is a graveyard which I have to walk past near our house which has three very recent baby's graves in it and I feel like it is only a matter of time before our baby is there too (melodramatic maybe, but I'm convinced it's a sign).

-I am unable to accept that I will (most likely) have a healthy baby in the next fortnight or so and feel embarrassed when people offer congratulations etc, because I'm convinced I won't have a living baby(I really want this baby- there is no ambivalence about it!).

-The baby does not have specific patterns of movement, apart from there being one time during the day where he/she will go nuts for about half an hour. If this doesn't happen until 10 at night, I will be uneasy the whole day.

I was really laid-back before I fell pregnant and have had an uneventful, healthy pregnancy. I am in my mid-twenties. I know I shouldn't be like this, but I am hyperaware of stillbirth and neonatal death and when I read about women who have lost their babies like this I just sob for them. Can't stop thinking about it and how they must feel. (I know I shouldn't be reading about stillbirth, but I am obsessed with missing a possible symptom that could help save the baby's life- despite knowing that sometimes it can be the most random occurence- which is even worse).
Am also fretting about GBS and that I've left it too late for testing.

I have posted before under another name as reading this back I think I look batty. Don't want to be an overanxious, worrying mum, so am hoping it is just hormones.
Has anyone else had these thoughts when pregnant, or even when looking after their newborns?
I am just not usually like this.

I think we all worry about our unborn child and their safe arrival. Have you spoken to your midwife about your anxieties?

Your feelings are completely normal its just the extent that its controlling you thats extreme. My dd2 is 11 weeks but in the womb she was so quiet i'd send myself into a frenzy. I'd get dh to blow raspberries on my bump, get dd1 to sing and pretty much leap about.

I convincedmyself that as i'd had a healthy dd my luck was probably exhausted. Now she's here she sleeps all the time and is so quiet and placid. In fact i often check shes breathing.

You're so near the end now, try to enjoy the quiet. If you sit and read or something quiet you'll feel brushes, gentle pushes that you just dont notice when you're pottering about. Its of course good to be vigilent but try not to let thoughts escalate. You can allow yourself to picture a healthy snuggly baby, you're not setting yourself up for a fall.

Good luck x

No hermione I haven't mentioned it to her. She's good with the physical check-up side of things, but I wouldn't feel comfortable mentioning this. If it is just hormones, I wouldn't want 'anxiety' flagging up on my notes to possibly come up at a later date. Don't know if this is silly or not..

I think you could reduce the pressure a bit by not worrying in addition about spoiling the pregnancy! It's been a healthy, uneventful pregnancy so far, so a good one, by all accounts. You're nearly there, just do what you have to to get through. (You will get this advice a lot about living with a new baby too!)

I think it is common to feel more anxious at this stage, and if you have had a scare, that must be doubly so. About 41 weeks I had to put all the baby kit away into a room with a closed door when I got pretty spooked about the whole thing. So I wouldn't worry as well that this is all a sign that you will be an over-anxious mum. Wait and see what sort of mum you are - I certainly amazed myself.

You're nearly there!

I'm not sure that your level of anxiety is within normal range, to be honest. Yes, all women worry about their unborn baby and 'what if?' but not to the degree which it dominates their thoughts and life like this.

When's your next MW apt? Do you think it would be helpful to speak with her/him? Would trip to assessment clinic to get your baby checked help you? You sound very alone with your worries and it might help to get them into the open.

I was very anxious (different circumstances) though my pregnancies and my consultant agreed to induce me just before 40 weeks. You can request to see your consultant.

There may well be a hormonal base to your current feelings, but that doesn't make them any less real.

I hope this is over for your soon and you enjoy your baby in your arms.

Thank you DoctorsWife. Your DD2 sounds precious.
It is just that though- the feeling that good luck will be exhausted. I am housebound at the moment so am hyperaware of all the little movements; it's really reassuring. However, then I start thinking that I should get of my bum for the sake of the baby. Can't win! :)

Ah, just read your response. What are your concerns about having 'anxiety' on your notes, out of interest?

(I imagine that mine had 'highly neurotic' on them!)

Thanks Surgeon. This almost superstitious way of thinking is really strange. Glad to hear you're doing well with motherhood.
Just had 38 week app Rosebud, so next is 41 weeks. I'm not under a consultant as am low risk, and think I'd be making a fuss if I bring this up, so close to the end. I'm not completely unable to function.. but it is affecting my life. My two closest friends are child-free atm, so when I mention that I've been worried since the CTG, it sort of goes over their heads. Would talk to my Mum, but she'd make me worse. E.g.- 'Don't talk about it or you might make it happen!'

Sorry Rosebud, cross-posted. I'm not sure why I would worry. Surely any medical professional wouldn't hold a record of anxiety against me if I was worried about something in future. I'm just worried that they might, IYSWIM.
Don't want to make this a clinical issue, if there's very little they'll be able to do for me in the fortnight or so I have left!

Hi Delia. I've had moments like this (more than I'd like to share actually). I've had a couple of mc in the past and maybe that is contributing to my anxiety. And as you, I'm also very aware of stillbirth etc and find myself reading and sometimes obsessing about it even though I had a healthy baby 4 years ago and have never experienced it firsthand. I'm 29wks with dc2 and I just have to remind myself that for the most part women have perfectly healthy babies everyday and even if something were to happen it's not really in my control anyway.

In the meantime count kicks and if you're at all concerned don't hesitate to go and get checked out. With my first I went to the hospital several times because of decreased fetal movements and I did worry I was making a fuss over nothing but better safe than sorry!! I was never made to feel bad and was always taken seriously btw.

Good luck and remember it's not long to go now!! xx

i think you should flag this up with the mw. if you are anxious now, you may become more anxious after the birth, and she will need to support and help you if that happens.

the issue is that a frequent symptom of anxiety/PND is the inability to tell anyone how you are feeling, out of a completely irrational fear that your baby will be taken away etc. and then you end up getting more and more distressed but unable to ask for help. so talk about it NOW, while you can.