SIL and newborn. Is this ok or not?

[margarethamilton]

New to this and need some advice from those who may have experienced similar...

I'm six months pregnant after five rounds of treatment for infertility and a miscarriage which left me reeling last year. We are very excited but, like any parents to be, are in unknown waters!

My family have been great - supportive but allowed us space. DHs family more distant than mine due to family split and poor communication (on their part) but we see SIL, BIL and DCs about six times a year. SIL is fine, not close to us, but ok. She is a bit overbearing and can be quite bossy.

On our most recent visit, she told me about how excited DCs were about the 'sleepover'. Cue, confused face, especially as DCs looked pretty non-plussed. She then went on to say that they would be having the baby for a sleepover when she is four months old, where she would be sleeping etc. She rambled on regardless saying we could go out for the night (!) It was clear the excitement was all hers, not the kids' but she was making it seem like they couldn't wait.

So here's the issue: to me, this should be support we ask for, not have imposed upon us. I really don't know how how I'm going to feel about leaving my 16 week old daughter anywhere at the moment! When I think about it in my darker more hormonal moments, it feels like she wants to play 'mummy'. DH thinks it's 'weird' and we'll do what we feel comfortable with.

Am I just being precious? Will I be grateful of the night off? Or do I/we need to put our foot down with her?

Has anyone said anything to her that may have confused her. It seems such a specific time

Nod and smile. Nod and smile.

Wait and see when the baby arrives, you might still be breastfeeding, you might be desperate for a night off, you might have reflux/colic baby that nobody in their right mind would take off you. Not worth fighting about it now, just be non-committal and pleasant.

she is clearly a bit mad though

She has literally named the week it's apparently going to happen. This is pretty indicative of the type of person she is.

I don't think she should necessarily have waited for you to ask for support - it's nice that she offered it, but maybe in a rather less dictatorial manner!

I didn't leave DD1 for the night until 15 months old, DD2 is 13 months and I've still not left her for the night. I've breastfed so not feasible but either way I wouldn't have felt ready that early on, but.... I know people who have...

Everyone is different and I don't think you'll know until she's here... if you're suffering with extreme exhaustion (hopefully you won't be but you never know) you might need a break but you won't know at this point.

I don't think you're being precious in the slightest. Hopefully nothing more will be said and maybe you can just deal with it at the time if/when the time arrives.

If you're planning on breastfeeding then it probably won't be easily feasible anyway.

Don't let it get to you though. Good luck.

at 4 MO DS had reverted to not sleeping and was hungry all the time (we gave in and weaned him)

crappy timing

but, it's nice that they are excited (if misguided), and I would try and managed the situation without dampening it, cousins are so valuable in a little person's life!

it does sound as if she did think there was an arrangement, like some sort of chinese whispers thing?

Tell her it's not going to happen. Be firm. You need your DH to be equally firm, or if he is up to it and if you think he won't buckle under pressure, let him do the talking.

Apart from the fact that she sounds utterly bonkers, you may well feel very protective of your baby and unwilling to let him or her out of your hands at that tender age. That is completely normal and do not let her bully you into thinking there is something wrong with that instinct if that is how you feel.

But you need to firmly turn down this sleepover anyway simply because it is being foisted on you. This is not support. This is her losing the run of herself and she needs to be given a reality check.

Just laugh anda tell her you'll see how you feel at the time but she shouldn't stop doing anything else at that time because it more than likely wont happen..

If she starts bossing you around repeat loudly and clearly "I will see how I feel at the time" as many times as you need to.

Remember you are hormonal right now so can get away with it

And when your baby is 4 months old just tell her no (unless of course you're up for it, then have a good night out!)

People like this will only walk all over you if you let them. Stand up for yourselves.

I am planning to breastfeed and did think that would be an issue myself. She is the type of person who is dictates rather than asks. For example, she tells people (MIL mostly) when she and family are coming to stay over, how long for etc.

No-one stands up to her and DH always wants to keep the peace in his family due to ongoing issues with MIL/FIL's divorce. If anyone says anything, it will be me. I just didn't want to come across as a precious mum to be, especially after being infertile for so long.

Smile & brush her off, change the subject without comment. My 16wk old would only be going over there over my dead body.

Like bronze, I'm wondering if someone else in the family has said something to her, and there are crossed wires (you said they have "poor communication" on that side of the family!) - it is such a specific plan! If not, and this has all just come from her head, then I would not be pleased either. The fact that your DH also thinks it's weird indicates that it is!

I wouldn't leave my 4 1/2 year old, or my 2 1/2 year old with - well - most of DHs family for a few hours, never mind overnight (but then I do particularly not like them, so don't let my bitterness influence you ). I have never had a "night off", and sometimes I feel a bit fed up about it for a bit (some of my friends have had whole weeks away while relatives look after the children), but I'd rather look after them myself than leaving them with someone I don't trust. We do still get a babysitter, and have nights out, which is a nice change anyway.

If you are planning to BF, then will you want your baby away from you overnight (not trying to instigate a BF debate btw, just throwing out ideas)? You also don't know how her sleeping routine will be, or how easily it might be upset. Again, this might be something that will put you off having her away overnight.

I would say to her that, as you don't yet know what the baby's personality / sleeping & feeding routines will be, never mind knowing how you will feel generally once the baby is here, you would rather not make any plans regarding nights away. I would then thank her for her kind offer of help, and say if it's OK with her, you'll let her know when / if you would like a night off.

As your DH said, you need to do what you're comfortable with.

Sorry x posted with loads of others re BF! Sounds like BF would be a perfect excuse then!

Just say no.
"Thanks very much for the offer and we really appreciate your support but obviously can't commit to anything right now. We'll bear your lovely suggestion in mind should we need at some point in the future".

Possible response:

That's very kind of you to offer. You know what us first time mothers are like though, I don't know if I'll be letting her out of my sight till she's 30.

Diffuses awkward situation with humour, lets her know that you appreciate that she's offering to be helpful but reminds her you're a first time mum and likely to be hanging onto your new daughter pretty tightly for the first few decades years.

Alternatively a more straightforward:
That's a generous offer. I'm glad you are as excited about our little one as we are as if and we'll be sure to visit often so that you can enjoy her but as we are
a. exclusively breastfeeding (good excuse if you are!)
b. really excited ourselves
we don't really know when we'll be ready for a night without her. So can we take a rain check on it for the moment? We'll bear you in mind when we do need a night away if ever

I'd be if anyone assumed they'd be having our little one overnight so soon. I realise other people might be more amenable to a 'break' but as first time expectant parents who have spend 6 years TTC this one, I simply can't imagine it for us that soon.

My mum has a travel cot at hers (my elder sister had the first grandchild last year) but I don't think she has it with expectations of overnight stays (don't think my sister has left him overnight yet at 6 months) its more for naps whilst she visits. Certainly when my sister was expecting, my mum told me and my other siblings not to expect to babysit for ages as first time mums don't like being seperated from their babies, wise woman my mum. :) Hope she remembers that when I'm attachment parenting my PFB

You're not precious. You don't need to cast around for an excuse like breastfeeding either. Just tell her no thanks.

Thanks all for your support :)

Dealing with DH's family is akin to dealing with land mines at times! I am going to start as I mean to go on with this, by being assertive but friendly with her. By no means do I want to exclude any of them but, as you've all said, this is unknown territory and I have no idea how I'm going to feel.

She is hard work. Seeing them this weekend so I'll see if how often it's mentioned and repeat," I'll see how I feel at the time"!

It's very odd she should talk about it like it has all been pre-arranged, like someone has already said you want this specific night off.

Regardless, get all mama bear on her and say she will not be pried from your arms. Or just say you are BFing.