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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Negativity

22 replies

GingerLemonTea · 23/04/2012 09:51

Am 8 months pregnant with first baby. Am going to take a year off. DH has quite a family friendly job, Mon-Fri 9-5. Can do a bit of flexi, odd day working from home, good holidays. He's v supportive and interested in baby. We also have both sets of GP's within a 10min drive who are also supportive/ interested in helping out with baby.
Along with the congratulations/ excitement amongst friends & workmates there seems to be this slight negativity such as "just you wait, you won't have time to get a hot cup of tea, I couldn't get a shower until DH came home, you won't know what's hit you" etc etc and a slight mocking of me if I make out (jokingly) that I might become domesticated while on Mat leave.
DH and I can't really believe it will be so bad, but we are new to all this so is it that bad? Do you find people are like this?

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FluffyJawsOfDoom · 23/04/2012 09:53

I'm pg with DC1 and we get this a lot - usually from new mums who aren't managing themselves, iyswim just ignore, ignore ignore - don't let them sap your confidence :)

confuzed90 · 23/04/2012 10:03

I don't think things are that hard, so just ignore them. I'm only young, my DS1 is 3 next month, and I'm 39+5 with DS2, anyway, DS was a very good baby, which made it easier for me, but I did and still do have time to do things for myself, have a bath and what not. I used to put him in his bouncer with toys next to bath while I had a soak.
Just ignore the negativity, some people really do over exagerate!

confuzed90 · 23/04/2012 10:05

Oh and to even prove it...I'm a house 'wife', I do all the cooking cleaning... I am a full time mum, AND a full time student! My DP works 8 hours a day...shifts.
Don't worry! You'll be fine! :)

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 23/04/2012 10:09

I think their intentions are probably good - my dd was very high maintenance and honestly, it was such a shocker. Lovely, but very hard and like they say, I couldn't shower. That's not me being negative, just the way it was for a while, so I suspect they are just trying to warn you! But not all babies are like that, some sleep and feed and sleep some more and it is blissful, I honestly think it's luck of the draw.

Anyway, I can't have been that bad, I am pregnant with dc2. And dd is a really chilled toddler now.

lalabaloo · 23/04/2012 10:11

I'm getting this as well, in a similar position to you with regards to DH job being quite family friendly and he can't wait for baby to be here. My job is fairly flexible and I only intend to return part time, grandparents all live nearby. Everyone wants to make comments about not having time, not being able to do anything, our lives are over etc. I was talking to DH the other day about it and we both agreed, our lives aren't over this is just the next step and its what we want, yes there will be tough times but there will also be amazing times that we wouldn't get without having a family. It would be nice for people to be positive for a change.

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 23/04/2012 10:15

I was one of those doom and gloomers when DS was tiny I think it just hit me like a speeding train on top of just being a massive shock to the system but looking back now it's clear that DS' colic + my PND was mainly to blame. I thought it was my duty to warn all my childless friends how hard it was.

Now (DS is 3 and DD is 4months) I think I'd be a bit more sensitive so don't take it to heart or to personally. I would sometimes explain to fiends I found it all very difficult but plenty of people take to it like a duck to water is if they were the latter they could be smug and happy, if the former they could feel free to moan to me about it.

At the end of the day nothing prepares you for parenthood - yes for the sleepless nights, the guilt, the worry and frustration and some says you won't get a chance to shower. But likewise nothing will prepare you fit how incredible it is - the love, the smell of a newborn, all that skin to skin and human contact, the hilarity, the cuddles and the joy.

Enjoy the last few weeks of couple hood, and good luck with the birth - congratulations!

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 23/04/2012 10:17

I would also say that despite how hard it was, having dd is the best thing I've ever done, no contest.

GinPalace · 23/04/2012 10:18

Oh Yes!! I know just what you mean - I got sick to the back teeth of it when I was expecting my first.

Sure you are swept of your feet and sometimes the changes are hard to adjust to, but also you love every minute, and any downsides are made up for by the up a thousand times over.

I have no idea why some people enjoy raining on your parade, but do ignore them as it is like anything worth doing in life - not easy as such but SO good.

Midgetm · 23/04/2012 10:33

I don't think it is negativity, some people find it really really hard, others dont. I loved every minute at home with DD but sometimes had to pretend I found it hard when with other new muns who were struggling as it would have been annoying to say 'hell no, I love it and I'm luckily naturally really good at it'. Mums would have wanted to deck me. Take heart, you may not find it hard at all, I am just hoping I am just as lucky with DC2.

GinPalace · 23/04/2012 10:38

Midget is right - personally though I did not have an easy ride - very bad reflux baby, crying for 8 hours solid not unusual, tired of course (who isn't) and more - but it was worth every minute and what people should really say is how fab it is and that the practical difficulties whether you have them by the bucket load or the truck load are not what it all boils down to - so many people give the impression they just wish they hadn't had kids at all by the way they tell the story and for a new mum-to-be that can be quite daunting and anxiety-making, when it is not necessary.

Original poster

GingerLemonTea · 23/04/2012 10:48

Thank you for the comments. We don't know how it will go, but obviously we are v excited to meet baby, but realise that life will be different and that sleep deprivation/ an unsetteld baby will be hard.
However we are as prepared as we can be at this point and am looking forward to the year ahead.
With the help of DH/ DM etc I still want to find a little time for me/ us as a couple as well as all the family time ahead.

OP posts:

GinPalace · 23/04/2012 11:20

It is exciting. I'm expecting second at mo and can't wait!!!! I am sure your experience will be as delightful as you hope.

suzikettles · 23/04/2012 11:28

Depends, depends, depends.

Ds was quite a "high needs" baby and so I did find that by the time dh came home I was desperate to lock myself in the bathroom for 20 minutes just for some time to myself! It was a good day if I managed to get a washing on and make myself some lunch.

But that was the early days, time passes, babies get bigger. It was all good.

Other people have babies who work to a clockwork routine and that makes some things easier and some things trickier.

I don't think it's ever worth telling a pregnant woman what things are going to be like after their baby's here. Everyone's different.

But, it is worth bearing that fact in mind (that everyone's different, including babies) - you may have a different experience to your friends, your mother, your sister etc etc etc. It won't mean that you've done anything wrong (or right tbh).

Enjoy your baby when it comes!

AdiVic · 23/04/2012 11:37

Oh God, aren't people a pain in the rear!! Horror stories ranging from the actual birth to being at home! When I was p with my DD (now 2) I had exactly the same. It's almost as if some folk are trying to justify how well THEY have done, and how fab they are for coping, and it's almost as if they have an 'edge' on you as you have obviouolsy not been through it, so are simply not as wise and experienced as them. That's the impression I got from 2 of my pals anyway - maybe I am being a bit harsh. I found most people very excited.

Millions of women do it every year (have babies), have been doing so for yonks and will continue to do so. It IS a change, and sometimes it takes adjustment, and quite understandably. You have your good/easy days and you have the harder days, as with any job. Enjoy your baby, enjoy becoming domesticated, and then look forward to being P with no.2 when the same folk will start saying "Ooooh, you wait till you have 2" - just smile at them:)

GinPalace · 23/04/2012 11:42

I remember when pregnant with first I walked past a lady on the local green with a toddler and child about 4. older child behaving fine, toddler running round having a giggle, she was chasing after him - looked fun to me but she wasn't enjoying it, maybe having a bad day,

but then she jabbed her finger at my pregnant tum and snarled 'best place for it, if you have any sense you won't let it out'!!!! I was said nothing and walked on.

I can see she might have had her hands full that day or got out on the wrong side of bed that particular, but hey don't spread the misery!!!

Original poster

GingerLemonTea · 23/04/2012 11:47

Haha AdiVic, that's what I'm thinking. Not going to be hard on myself and its all new as first baby, but I think...
People do this with twins or with a toddler or without much support so I think it will be ok.
I might come back and say they were all right, but thats not the attitude for now.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 23/04/2012 11:51

I remember starting a thread like this before I had a baby, asking how can it be any work or trouble and so on. I took 9 months off with my baby and have to say it wasn't anywhere near as labour intensive as I thought it would be in terms of crying/washing/cleaning and so on.

On the other hand I did have days of utter misery when I felt chained to the house and deserted. I remember sitting in the back of my car in the rain trying to latch my son on so I could feed him and get to the first meet up of my nct group then feeling like sahit because I didn't make it and I wasn't in the photograph they took.

You will have days when you feel like you can't manage and I think so long as you are prepared for that it's ok. Just don't fool yourself into thinking it will all be easy because you have all the time in the world. You will want to make plans and they will get disrupted and you will have to learn how to go with the flow.

largely it's great though. Having a baby is lovely but you are allowed to complain about the bad days.

lalabaloo · 23/04/2012 12:04

I don't mind people who currently have babies or who have recently had babies pointing out that its not all fun and games, I know it won't be and I'd rather they didn't pretend it was or I would end up feeling totally useless! Its more the people whose kids are much older who say things in a really patronising way, like I was stupid to even consider getting pregnant. They are the ones who annoy me most. Actually I have had the least negative comments off my friend who had a really tough time with her first, instead of being all doom and gloom she has offered to come round if I am having a tough day for some company and so I can have a nap

bettybat · 23/04/2012 13:06

I must be incredibly naive then, because I intend to work from home full time from about 6 months. People look at me like I am mental but we have no choice, finances are dictating it. If it doesn't work out, the baby can go into nursery in the mornings or afternoons while I squash 8 hours of work in but you know...we have to make it work. I feel pretty relaxed about - we're planning the continuum approach so baby will be strapped to me most of the time. As long as I can minimise phone meetings, I can just get on with my projects.

Maybe it is mental but right now, we haven't got much choice!

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 23/04/2012 14:35

Yeah that is mental but do you know what, you learn to cope and work with what you're given. I've continued to manage running my company I gave with two others which none of us gets paid for.

Try not to see the negativity negatively, I'm honestly cringing about how much I banged on about how hard it was but in truth this was partly a cry for help and to reassure anyone who didn't have a baby that it was hard and it was ok to say so. FWIW I've managed to bd total opposite now I have 2. Nowhere near as bad as everyone warned me it was going up be!

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 23/04/2012 14:37

Also don't feel on the bad days like you can't talk about it - you can and must. And accept any help offered. Now I've had mine I've realised rather than offering to hold the baby I'll offer to do the hovering or washing up because that's the stuff it's hard to keep on top of in the early days

theressomethingaboutmarie · 23/04/2012 15:04

I got this attitude from SIL (who is 20 years older than DH and I). She kept telling me in a mocking fashion that I wouldn't cope. Now that I'm expecting DC2, apparently I won't cope again. Sure, I had plenty of hard days but if it was that horrific, I certainly wouldn't be doing it again.

The irony, I felt, was that despite telling me how I wouldn't cope (she's always like this - always better than everyone else), she never offered to help out or to give me a rest.

OP, parenthood is amazing. It's incredibly hard work and as above, you will have some totally shit days BUT, you will have amazing days where you realise exactly why you decided to have children. Enjoy!

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