Need some support, please dont judge me

[VodkaJelly]

I hope this is in the right section but I need some support. I have just turned 40 and have found myself pregnant. The father and I have been together for 13 years and I already have 3 kids with the youngest being 12.

This pregnancy is a total suprise and wasnt planned, after much talking we have decided not to go ahead with the pregnancy. DP is 99% sure we are doing the right thing, I am more 50/50 but I do think we are doing the right thing.

I have a doctors appointment in just under 2 weeks, but I am struggling. DP doesnt mention anything to do with the pregnancy, he thinks if we talk about it we will become attached and keep it. But I need to talk about it, I am going to be pregnant for another 2 weeks mimimum and I feel so alone. I am crying as I type this as I feel bad for what we are going to do but I know it is the right thing for us.

Please dont flame me for this, I know there are people out there who would give anything for a child and if feels so unfair that I am in the situation I dont want to be in. But for our family we are doing the right thing but it still hurts.

I think you need to ask DP to help. Explain how you feel - hormones will make you upset and your natural instinct will be to continue with the pregnancy. It is far easier for him to shut off those feelings and be purely logical. You may still mourn the loss even if it is the right thing for the family as a whole. Maybe get an appointment with a GP or a trusted friend who you KNOW will support your decision so you can let all those feelings out.

I had to have a termination for medical reasons 3 years ago. It was desperately hard for me to deal with. If your dp doesn't want to talk then perhaps you should seek help from a professional so you can get your feelings straight. It is possible that he feels just as bad and unsure as you but can't voice this to you as he doesn't want to upset you further.

Vodka I agree with the other posters - you deserve support to get through this and if your DP is not able to be there for you then there are other options out there. You shouldn't have to deal with this on your own and I think it's only natural to want to talk about how you are feeling about the pregnancy and the termination rather than just pretending it isn't happening. That might be what he needs to do to cope but that shouldn't stop you from getting help.

Can you afford private counselling? Or get an emergency appt with your GP to see if there is anything they can do?

I also just wanted to say please don't feel guilty about the situation you are in; DH and I struggled for years to get pg and in the end we had IVF but I never resented anyone who found themselves with an unwanted pregnancy as I think both positions are equally heartbreaking to be in.

I am sure you will get lots of support and wise advice here too.

Take good care of yourself,

Xx

I believe you when you say a termination is the right thing for your family, but a termination regardless of whether it is right or not still requires emotional support, either from your DP or a RL friend. Going it alone will only leave you miserable. I truly hope you find the comfort you rightly deserve :)

I didn't want to read and run after that post and just wanted to pass on my sympathies.

It does sound like you and your DP have decided on the right course for you but that doesn't mean you aren't going to be upset about the decision. I had a mc in my early twenties that I would have terminated anyway but it was still upsetting. Please do acknowledge your feelings, that is the most important thing you can do right now. Go and see your GP, but when you are there maybe ask if you can be referred for some counselling to help you with the emotional side of the termination? And as harecare says, maybe there is a friend or family member you can take with you to appointments or talk to?

You sound as if you have really thought this through and decided it is the right thing for your family, and I strongly believe that means you should never be judged for that. Please come on here and talk about it, you are in the company of friends and if anyone dares to judge you for deciding on a termination then I am sure there will be plenty of people here to defend you!

Take care of yourself and come online as often as you need to talk about what you are going through

x

Mums net is supposed to be all about support so I would like to think that no one on here would judge you in a negative way!

I know what a hard decision it is... I had a termination 12 years ago when my eldest was only 6 months old - it was an incredibly hard decision as it was something I had never wanted to go through, but I knew it was the right decision for me at the time as I was in an abusive relationship at the time and had a little baby to look after. It was painful and in a way still is, but it definitely was the right thing to do at the time.

I am now happily married with four beautiful girls and pregnant with number 5, we too said that we couldn't keep this baby due to not having enough money or a big enough house and thought that the days of babies and nappies were well out of the way etc. My hubby was so fixed in having a termination that like your partner he refused to talk about the pregnancy and we were booked in for a termination! To cut a long story short the clinic didn't end up performing the procedure and I didn't have a GP to refer me else where and as time went on I was an emotional wreck and wanted to keep the baby, but my husband refused to budge on his decision even to the point where I thought he was going to leave. In the end I managed to self refer to our hospital and we had a scan to date the pregnancy and when hubby saw the baby on the screen he began to change and we decided to keep the baby.

Originally I didn't want the baby and then as time went on I changed to being 50/50 like you are until eventually I couldn't stand the thought of not keeping the baby! If not keeping your baby is the right decision for you then no one should judge you and you have amazing strength, but as you are 50/50 all I would say is please take a little more time to think things through to be as sure as you can. Either way will not be an easy decision but talk to someone close to you that is supportive and also take some alone time to go through things in your head.

I hope you get all the support you need and what ever decision you come to be the right one for you and your family. Don't forget us mumsnet ladies are always here if you need to get things off your chest. Good luck.x