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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

DH wants to know the sex of the baby, and I don't...

24 replies

vanimal · 19/04/2012 11:13

..so we have agreed that he can find out at the next scan, and I won't be told.

We have 2 DDs, DH adores them but would really like a boy this time. I have horrendous pregnancies, so I have made it clear that this will be our last baby, regardless of gender.

I have had my 20 week scan and we didn't find out, but we have a growth scan at 28 weeks and he really wants to find out the sex, and to be emotionally prepared before the baby is born.

I don't want to know, and I do trust DH to keep his poker face, but I am wondering if anyone else has done this. Are we mad?

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lotsofcheese · 19/04/2012 11:22

Could you ask them to write the gender inside a sealed envelope so that your hubby can open it at home? Avoids the facial-expression conundrum for you.

My sister did this, but they never opened the envelope - changed their minds!

missingmymarbles · 19/04/2012 12:25

Good idea lotsofcheese!!
My friend knows and her DH doesn't. He left the room as he didn't want to find out. There is no way on this earth I would be able to not bug DH to tell me if he knew and I didn't!!! Lol

SoupDragon · 19/04/2012 12:29

IMO, I think that not finding out wins over finding out - it's not like you won't find out eventually after all.

And I say this from the perspective of being the one who wanted to find out when H didn't.

I think the scenario where one knows and the other doesn't is very difficult - you would be analysing his every move and attributing it to either boy or girl and he would be under the stress of not letting anything slip..

sillyily · 19/04/2012 12:30

We were gonna do this... then i caved at the last minute. :) Glad I found out now cos we are excited together now to be having a little girl (already have a boy) You get the surprise at one point, and if you get it at the scan, you have more time to celebrate that, whereas at birth, your mind is on other things! (Saying that.... would still have loved a surprise..... )

heartmoonshadow · 19/04/2012 12:31

It is so difficult keeping the secret even from close relatives as I have found out as many want the surprise so I have no idea how I could have kept it from DH. Name choosing, clothes choosing and any other mundane activites such as colour of bedding etc would be a definitive giveaway. I would say if one partner wants to know and the other doesn't then the doesn't should win over as you take it back once it slips out which it will. I am due to have a DD tomorrow and accidently told my neice on the phone the other night whilst discussing baby health and her mum does not want to know so now I have put 15 Yyear old girl in a difficult position of not telling her parents even tho she is v excited!

millyv · 19/04/2012 12:55

I really wanted to know but my DH didn't, the scanner lady said it was fine to tell me but that their hospital policy was that if the mum to be didn't want to know then they wouldn't tell the DH/DP - just a thought in case it's the same in other hospitals? x

lynniep · 19/04/2012 12:59

I found out for DS1. DH didnt want to know, so I didnt tell him. There were no giveaways. I kept everything gender neutral.
I have to say I did get REALLY annoyed with people saying 'oh please tell me - I wont tell (your) DH'
Why on EARTH would I let them know something like that when my DH doesnt?!!!

bronze · 19/04/2012 13:02

I didn't want to know and DH. I decided to find out as it was something for him as I got all the wonderful kicks etc.

Spiritedwolf · 19/04/2012 13:21

I don't want to know the sex of the baby, our first, till the birth. My DH wanted to know, but was content to leave it when he found out I didn't and explained why. He didn't think it was reasonable for one of us to know and the other not as it would be bound to cause at least teasing if not tension between us over discussions about baby names etc during pregnancy (particuarly as we already have quite different tastes in names to deal with!). Our current top boys name is distinctly his choice, and for a girl its a name I thought of, so we can't have one of us know and not the other... it would make discussions about names much more tricky!

I think DH has a slight preference for a boy, but we both want to have more children and hope for a mixture, so its not going to be a disappointment if we have a girl for him. I feel mixed about the whole sex/gender business, part of my reason for not wanting to know till the baby is here, I don't want to have different expectations of girls/boys IYSWIM? I don't want to have too much of a preconcieved notion of who our baby is, till we meet and find begin to find out. As a non-girly girl myself who has a 'thing' about gender stereotypes, I don't fancy being inundated with pink (or blue) either. But mainly I guess I want to hear myself or my husband note whether we have a son or daughter once the baby has arrived, and see it as part of the experience of us first meeting our baby.

Luckily my sister had my parents first grandchild last year and set a precident of not finding out till the birth, so we haven't had complaints from them!

exexe · 19/04/2012 13:30

Two of my friends did this.
One friend had a dd and they really wanted a ds a second time. They'd decided that if they had a ds then that was it and if it was a dd, then they might try again and have 3. My friends dh knew and she didn't (they asked for gender to be written down) but he gave it away when in a conversation about large families he mentioned that he would be happy with 3!

My other friend, she knew but her dh didn't. She kept the secret well.

javotte · 19/04/2012 14:08

Several of my friends did this.
All of them knew within 10 minutes because their husbands just couldn't keep their mouths shut.

Here, we kept the surprise for DS but DH wanted to know for DD, so I agreed.
I think he'll want to know this time too and I think I'll let him because I was the one who insisted to have a 3rd baby.

naturalbaby · 19/04/2012 14:11

If your Dh finds out it's another DD then will he be able to hide his feelings? If he really want a boy and it is a boy then surely you'll be able to tell?

5madthings · 19/04/2012 14:18

what soupdragon said and i was the one that wanted to know and dp didnt he thinks its the 'ultimate suprise' so for the first three we didnt find out, with no 4, i convinced him and we did find out but we didnt tell anyone.

with no 5 we werent going to find out and then in the scan the sonographer said i have a really good view of the sex do you want to do, so dp said oh go on then, i am pleased we found out as it was a girl after 4 boys and took a bit of getting used to, so much so that i insisted on another scan at 28wks to check the sex again as i didnt believe the earlier scan and stil the first thing i asked other than 'is it ok' after birth was 'is it really a girl'

lalabaloo · 19/04/2012 14:21

Originally I didn't want to find out but changed my mind, DH wanted to find out but if either of us hadn't wanted to we would have kept it a surprise. We had relatives who didn't want us to find out, they really seemed to expect that we wouldn't tell them and we would keep it to ourselves, needless to say they were soon corrected, I am not keeping secrets just because they would prefer not to know.

GinPalace · 19/04/2012 15:20

Not read all the posts only op but - I sympathise with DH in this case. I am not going to find out but only because I am not fussed what sex it is.

If I was really keen on boy / girl - I too would want to know in advance as the last thing I would want to be feeling on the day of birth is disappointment if it wasn't what I wanted.

I would find out ahead so I could avoid that scenario.

I think the only difficulty is if he struggles to hide delight/disappointment while he adjusts to the knowledge and that lets the cat out of the bag for you. Personally I'd be thinking of knowing myself with him, as you wanting a surprise is fab - but I wouldn't want possible disappointment spoiling things on the day and that would outweigh IMO.

GinPalace · 19/04/2012 15:23

Mind you - the sonographer might slip up. My friend didn't want to find out but the somographer accidentally referred to 'she' a couple of times. Oops. So they were told - by accident.

mrsb83 · 19/04/2012 15:27

I was in the same situation. My DH was desperate to know. On the day of the scan I agreed for us to find out and I regret it now. My advice is if you don't want to know then neither of you should find out. X

MadeInChinaBaby · 19/04/2012 15:36

With my first pregnancy, DH wanted to know and I didn't. For our 20 week scan, we decided NOT to find out, as we could always change our minds and find out at the next scan instead, but wouldn't be able to change our minds the other way around.

Our baby came up beautifully clear in the scan, lying there on its back, sucking its little thumb, with its little legs pulled up the way they do... then he got a MASSIVE erection right before our eyes - it was so ridiculously clear that the sonographer and the obstetrician didn't even attempt to hide it from us but instead congratulated us on our big boy... it was a ridiculous and beautiful moment and we both started crying with happiness.

As much as I wanted a surprise, I must say that already knowing the sex didn't detract from the birth at all. It was the most amazing moment of my life meeting him for the first time. I still sing him a little ditty with his name in every night, which I started singing to him the day we found out for sure he was a boy at the 20 week scan.

Original poster

vanimal · 19/04/2012 15:39

GinPalace that's exactly it, DH doesn't want to be disappointed when baby is born, so would rather know now and deal with it.

I don't think he'll struggle with hiding his feelings on it, he has been well-briefed by me to keep the news quiet from me. I hadn't considered that the hospital might not tell him, I might ask them to write it down.

Part of me would like to know, but if it is DD3 then I know DH will be disappointed, whether he admits this or not, and I don't really want to deal with it - I'd rather continue to enjoy my last pregnancy and wait till the birth to find out although it might kill me that he knows and I don't

OP posts:

Original poster

vanimal · 19/04/2012 15:41

mrsb83 why did you regret finding out the sex?

OP posts:

Ivytheterrible · 19/04/2012 16:29

I really wanted to know but DH didn't so he left the room. I managed to keep it a secret until the day our DD was born and our friends and family didn't press me on it as they respected our decisions to find out/have a surprise.

I loved being the only one that knew we were having a girl, and I think it helped me bond with her in a way that I couldn't have done with a "surprise." The hardest thing was confirming a name after the birth as I had been mentally calling the child my first choice for months, and DH needed a few days to get his head around that.

5madthings · 19/04/2012 16:52

would he really be disappointed at the birth? we have four boys and then a girl, anyway my dp is not a blokey bloke at all, and he is amazed that he fathered 4 boys! and after the first 2 yes he did say he would like a girl, but ultimately he wasnt that bothered. so when no 3 was born and was a boy there was no disappointment, he was just pleased the birth went well and i and baby were healthy, with ds4 we found out at the scan and he just laughed about having a 4th boy, and then with no 5 we werent going to find out but did, and we were both totally in shock tbh, i do think i may have fainted when she was born had i not known, as it was i didnt believe it till i saw her myself. but in some ways it would have been a truly lovely suprise, not that it really mattered either way, but i and dp were so utterly convinced we only made boys iyswim? as it was finding out made us think of girls names as we only had a boys one chosen, dd was still nameless for 2 wks!

unless you really think he would be dissapointed at the birth i wouldnt find out, its your last pregnancy you want to enjoy it and i am pretty sure he will just be happy when baby is born, most people are! :)

GinPalace · 20/04/2012 10:22

I think he can't really help how he feels - if he does indeed have a strong wish for a boy and knows he would be disappointed he is probably right!

Obviously I can see that you just want to enjoy your pregnancy, but equally do you want to be dealing with him adjusting to his lot with a new snuffly baby either?

I think it is unfortunate fact that because of his desires (which he probably can't help) there is the possibility of some negative feelings being mixed into what is a delightful and fantastic event.

So it is just a case of accepting this and deciding the best way to mitigate any effects of that between you. Of course there is always the chance it is a boy, and if it is DD3 he will no doubt love her dearly, but he will need time to settle his feelings on the wished-for boy.

Sounds like you trust him to keep the secret so him knowing but not you is perhaps the best solution. Good idea to have them write it down for him.

Congratulations for your new baby, I bet DD1+2 are excited.

NoNoNoMYDoIt · 20/04/2012 10:24

The sonographer may not tell him anyway. I didn't want to know but exH did. He asked if I could leave the room and the sonographer could tell him and they said they wouldn't do that...

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