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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

am i being unreasonable to my DP??

14 replies

confuzed90 · 16/04/2012 09:38

Basically, I'm 39 weeks pregnant(on wednesday) and my DP has txt me this morning saying he's had some brill news, I'm at work. He has taken up on an offer of starting 12 hour shifts beginning next week!!! I feel really upset of this, he wasn't here for our first born, went to france on a 'course'. Which I later found out he didn't have to which he told me he did and I saw photos of him getting drunk and with his mates (which I was also told wernt going to be there) he new that hed miss his son being born as he left a week after my due date, I still hadn't given birth. Anyway he didn't meet him till he was 9 days old and didn't even phone me till he was 2 days old.
That's a completely different story however I could go on about it FOREVER! I'm just scared that he's putting work infront of his family again. He'll be taking these 12 hours shifts the week I'm due. He knows how important it is that he'll be there for the birth. What would you other mums do?? I'm extremely upset that hed even consider them, knowing how much it means to be to have him there, I can't even talk about my DS birth because he was not there and chose not to be. When I really needed him, I was only young. We are still young, I'm 22 he's 21, is it just my pregnancy hormones to be upset that hed take them shifts? What about if I had baby at weekend and he went back to work sooner then wanted, he was meant to be taking 1 week off but with these 12 hrs he won't be taking any time off.
We do need the money though which he'll use against me. We're not in debt or anything and do get by but there's things we want.

OP posts:
confuzed90 · 16/04/2012 09:39

*hes at work atm sorry! Not me :/

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CupOfBrownJoy · 16/04/2012 09:52

Well for your first it doesn't sound to me like he put work before being present at the birth - he put getting drunk and having fun first! Totoally immature and irresponsible. What if there had been complications? He acted like an idiot, and I would have found it really hard to forgive that. In fact, I'd have gone completely beserk and wouldn't have let him go in the first place.

If he is doing these 12 hour shifts to get more money in preparation for the birth then I can kind of see his point. Can he not leave his work to come to hospital if you go into labour? What job does he do? Surely his boss will let him leave? Can't he take annual leave or paternity leave so he can be off with you?

confuzed90 · 16/04/2012 10:07

He can't take paternity as he wouldn't be getting enough for the leave so he's able to put a weeks holiday in when I go into labour, however if its whilst he's doing these 12 hour shifts he won't be able to, as these 12 hour shifts have been offered because another electrician (he's an electrician) has just quit.I'm upset hed even consider them, I've been so excited for him to be for the birth but all pregnancy I've worried that he will somehow not be there, for example something like this crops up.I've even packed him a mini bag into my hospital bag! I am upset and angry that he would start these shifts the week I'm due. Is that wrong? I don't know what to think whether I'm over reacting or not. And as for paying for the baby, we have everything and stocked up already.
As for the first birth, to this day I can't talk about it, I haven't forgiven, just 'forgotten'. I can't talk about anything to do with france to him. I tried to stop him from going, he just went anyway and turned family against me saying that he HAS to go and will increase his money (never did). Everyone thought I was being unreasonable for not wanting him to go, he told me he wasn't going to go, up until the hour before he left, he had secretly packed his suitcase. Set alarm for 12 at night, then woke me up and said he's going. Then left, me in tears. Ended up being rushed to hospital that day with pre-eclampsia.
I don't see the point in this thread except for explaining just how very scared I am that he won't be there again :( and whether I should just let him do these 12 hours and risk not being there again

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CupOfBrownJoy · 16/04/2012 10:14

Is he avoiding the birth on purpose? Is he phobic? Have you spoken to him about why he plans not to be there for the second time?

Even if he is phobic, creeping off in the night to France is the action of an immature manchild. He is being a total twat.

Its not wrong that your upset and angry, I'd be furious!

Tell him he has no choice but to be there and be supportive, its his baby too! As for his family, well they sound as bad as him.

If you can't make him be there, do you have anyone else who can support you?

confuzed90 · 16/04/2012 10:20

Yes my mums my other birth partner, as I know that hed me little help in comforting me, I just feel like I really need him here for this one :( I don't plan on anymore kids. So that makes it even more important to me.

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CupOfBrownJoy · 16/04/2012 10:23

Then you need to explain that to him, calmly.

Do you have anything to use as leverage? How is he otherwise in the relationship? Is this serious enough for you to not be with him any more?

Tbh if my DP had done this I'd be seriously evaluating our relationship....

confuzed90 · 16/04/2012 10:29

He knows that if he misses the birth this time that will be it, he's been so unsupportive the whole pregnancy, many times I've had to go to hospital to get checked by myself because he didn't want to, even when I was admitted for a few days at 30 weeks with threatened pre-term labour. He didn't come.and only came to get keys for car so he could go to work.
I know that if he's not here for the birth that I couldn't forgive. I really need him this time, it was his choice to try for this baby, and I agreed, only if he promised to be supportive, caring and help me more, which he hasn't. I'm heavily pregnant but carry on as though I'm not pregnant at all.

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CupOfBrownJoy · 16/04/2012 10:30

Sorry confuzed, he's being an absolute waste of space. Can you cope on your own if you kick him out? I'd be telling him he's either there or he packs his bags.

MadameChinLegs · 16/04/2012 10:34

This may be cruel to be kind but it seems odd to me that, given how he acted and how you felt re: the last birth that you both decided to embark upon another one.

You obviously haven't resolved the issues from last time so if it were me, I wouldnt be looking to put myself in thay situation again.

Obviously you are, so I would suggest a serious talk with DP to find out if he has anything to say on the birth and how things panned our last time and I would be setting out exactly what I expected from him this time around. You have given nine months and your body to growing and birrhing his child. It is not unreasonable, therefore, for you to demand he is present at the birth and that he does not take the 12hour shifts he has been offered. If you do not need the money, he needs to understand that his time and presence is more valuable to you.

MadameChinLegs · 16/04/2012 10:37

Hmmmm after seeing your last post and how unsupportive he is in general, maybe you need more than a serious chat. Does he not realise what a big deal being pregnant is? Does he think carrying round an extra 2 stone of baby water and fat is easy??

confuzed90 · 16/04/2012 11:19

I don't know what he thinks! I've tried talking and talking but nothing ever changes or he'll say not now. He hates confrontation.one minute he'll be nice and supportive, the next hes being lazy and I'm doing everything. I still cook him dinner every day, do his washing, look after DS, and do the cleaning.

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GinPalace · 16/04/2012 11:27

Doesn't sound like you are being unreasonable at all - if work will give him the extra shifts can't it wait till after?

He sounds exceedingly immature. Think you are getting good advice from the other posters.

I am Shock over what he did for the first baby!!!

Spiritedwolf · 16/04/2012 12:07

To be honest... it seems like it would lighten your workload if he did disappear to France again for a couple of weeks. Hmm

I totally get that you want a supportive and loving partner to be there to look after you whilst you are heavily pregnant and to support you through labour and to have the opportunity to meet his new child immediately. But I don't think you are going to get that from him. You might find that even if he turns up to the birth that you might wish he hadn't (for instance if he expects you to make sure he's fed and entertained whilst you need to concentrate on you and your new baby).

You need to tell him that you got pregnant on the understanding he'd be more supportive and he hasn't been. That you were hurt that he made the decision not to been there for the birth of your first child and that the stress it caused could have risked the baby and you. Tell him that you expect him to take care of you (by doing his fair share+ around the house and with your DC1) till you go into labour, that you expect him to make every effort to attend the birth and to look after you and your newborn when you get home. You understand that some people find the idea of attending a birth scary or overwhelming and that you'd rather he discussed his feelings openly with you rather than just not showing up.

If he doesn't make any visible effort in these areas, you need to consider if this is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with and whether you want his behaviour towards you to be the role model you want your children to follow.

So make it clear what you need from him and give him a chance to improve (unless you already feel strongly that the relationship needs to end). But prepare yourself for him not being at the birth and making sure that you have all the support you can get from others.

You and your children deserve better than this. It is particuarly shocking that he wasn't interested in supporting you when you faced pre-term labour. :( In previous threads you have also mentioned that he doesn't even help you look after DC1 - he's not a responsible parent.

Stop making him dinner for starters. You need him to know that it's not okay for him to expect you to do so much whilst you are pregnant. I don't hold out a lot of hope that you will get him doing enough to help, so make sure you get help from others. Take care of you, your pregnancy and your DC1 because you have to, let him take care of himself.

You are being unreasonable to cook him dinner. But you are not being unreasonable to be upset that he is once again avoiding the birth (and will no doubt turn up once DC2 arrives and be sweetness and light again). If he does this to you again, don't forget about it and carry on like nothing has happened, let him know that he has damaged your relationship - perhaps irreprably.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 16/04/2012 12:53

He sounds selfish and useless. Are you sure you wouldn't be better off without him?

It sounds like you have said everything you can say to him and he just doesn't care how you feel.

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