35 weeks and fighting urge to scream at mother-in-law

[CommanderShepard]

Ah yes, it's one of those threads...

My mother-in-law is usually great but is totally freaking out about the imminent birth of my baby. I get it - she had a traumatic birth with her eldest (my husband) - GA c-section, baby not descending into pelvis, the works and then her post-natal care was pretty darn shocking. When she was pregnant with my sister-in-law she went private for an ELCS and the consultant did an internal exam and informed her that she has a distorted pelvis and no baby was ever going to manage to descend into there, nosireebob. She is insistent that I should insist on the same procedure - and I do not want. At all. Not least because there's no indication that I have the same (rare) problem and the baby is already moving down according to the midwife and the pressure in my pelvis - but when I tell her this I get hoikybosoms and WELL THEY THOUGHT THE SAME FOR ME AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED. I did talk to my midwife about it and she said she wouldn't advise an internal at this stage unless I was overweight and she couldn't feel my pubic bone. Husband has run with this and told his mum everything is fine. (Am v lucky; at least I have a husband who is willing to stand up to his mother!)

but it isn't just the pelvis obsession that is getting to to me. It's the way she makes it abundantly clear that she thinks childbirth and early motherhood will be horrific for me - because it was for her. I appreciate that she's looking out for me, really I do, but I also have an anxiety disorder and have battled ante-natal depression - and none of this is helping. I feel like I'm being set up for failure before I've even begun and believe me, I don't need external sources to make me feel that way; I'm more than capable of getting into that state all by myself... my house is a complete state and I'm exhausted all the time (at least I'm on mat leave now) and that is more than enough stress without contending with e-mails from mother-in-law about her colleague's daughter having twins and everything being terrible as soon as they went to post-natal! I think the main thing is that she doesn't believe me when I say that my 'true' birth plan is 'Have baby. Don't die.' and that I have yet to hear a bad word said about the hospital whose care I am under. Pretty much that she doesn't believe that I can have a lovely straightforward birth and that there's no point in worrying about things when they haven't happened/may never happen (oh, my counsellor would be proud...). I wonder the extent to which she says these things because she didn't have nice births so no-one else should either.

We have talked to her about it and she apologised but I'm not convinced it's sunk in. We shall see. In the meantime, I just wanted to vent, so thank you if you got through all this and please do share your mother/mother-in-law stories - I can't be alone here!

Vent away! It sounds like a nightmare. I think you just have to remind yourself as much as possible that she's likely suffering from some kind of post traumatic disorder after her own pretty horrific birth. And ignore ignore ignore :o

oh thats a right old pain, you could do with positive stories and people around you would press all my already running panic buttons heaing this stuff. someone told me that in their day they didnt talk about the birth after it happened, so now things are more open and they have the opportunity they can't wait to pour it all out. dont know what you do about it, but that may help understand it....

Sounds like she has PTSD and anxiety issues surrounding her birth, and your pg has brought it all up again for her.

That's no excuse for trying to terrify you, but that thought might help you understand that this is likely a temporary state and normal MIL fabness will resume shortly...

Sympathies!! All you can do is just know in your own head that everything will be ok. So what if the same thing did happen to you, your mother in law is still here to tell the tale and went on to have another baby after the traumatic first!! cant have been that bad!
Even if you have the most traumatic birth in the world - (i have friends who have had pretty bad ones) as soon as you clap eyes on that little wonder that you created you forget the pain instantly.
When you go in to labour, the mid wives out there are fantastic and you will be in good hands. Your body is amazing. You are amazing. Keep focused on positive. Childbirth is the most natural thing in the world. Ignore mother in law, in fact, when she goes on about it, join in and talk about how awful it could be, go over the top! it might shut her up.
Mother nature is fantastic, I was terrified of giving birth, I am the worlds biggest worrier, I like to be in control so labour was such a fear for me but I can honestly say that I wish I could go through that labour again. iT WAS INCREDIBLE. I cant believe how clever our bodies are.

Her births were a long time ago (im guessing!!) things have moved on with post natal care.
Good on your DH for sticking up for you.
Now your on mat. get your house tidy, your head will feel instantly better and you will find it easier to mentally stick two fingers up at her. ;-)

Congrats to you on your pregnancy

Sorry to hear your MIL is being a pain! She is likely (as others have said) just anxious about her own bad experiences and projecting them towards you. It isn't a good thing for her to do, nor is it fair, but she does sound traumatised or at least jaded.

My own MIL miscarried her first pregnancy. 35-ish years later when I got pregnant with her first grandchild she was very silent, didn't say much and told me she 'couldn't get excited until the baby is born.' Made me feel crap at the time, but looking back I can see she was just harking back to her own loss. Now I'm pregnant with DC2 she is visibly excited.

You will be fine, OP, your DH sounds very supportive and you have us all on MN for advice. Sorted!

If she brings it up again, say to her "I do not wish to discuss this again". Every single time. Refuse to engage with her. If she carries on talking, just get up and walk away. If that doesn't stop her still, then get DH to have another word with her.

And if you've not got the energy to tidy your house, then don't tidy it. Maternity Leave is there for a reason, and cleaning is not it. You are a one-woman life support system at the moment, looking after not only your lovely unborn baby, but yourself too. If housework is going to leave you knackered then it's really not worth doing it (and I say that at 40+2 myself!)