Things are hotting up, and relatives are becoming even more overbearing :-(

[ladyfoucault]

I am in week 38, and whilst my parents and PIL have left us in peace for the duration of the pregnancy (not by choice, we didn't want to tell them for ages due to previous miscarriage), they are now becoming very excited / anxious. They all live far away. My MIL never even congratulated me on the pregnancy (all she said to me was "We were surprised - it is such a life style change") but now she rings and is anxious to hear how I am doing. My parents ring all the time now, several times a day if I dare not to be at home (how dare I go out and enjoy myself so close to the due date!). I can't stand this. I can't stand their questions about whether I am doing okay. Their anxiety stresses me and makes me anxious. Do I have obligations as a daughter to keep my parents informed about everything? How much do I have to understand what they are going through, when I am trying to relax and prepare for the birth of MY child? I might be a total arse here but I'd rather not tell them when I go into hospital. I wish we had given them a later due date.

A later due date wouldn't put them off I've tried that this time round, and still am being asked if I've had the baby yet, or if I've had any twinges (childbirth does not involve fucking twinges) - I too am 38w.

You are not obliged to tell them anything (especially when you go into hospital, because then they'll probably want hourly cervix reports from your DH despite routine checks normally being every four hours, and if he can't tell them anything they might well try their luck with the main maternity unit line)

Whilst it is understandable that they are excited and anxious, it's no good them passing on their anxiety to you.

People might say to you 'oh, but they mean well' but when it's several times a day and it's not normal for them to contact you so frequently, there is no quicker way to make you stabby.

You need to get firm with them. Tell them, clearly, that you will call them when there is any news, and that whilst you know that they are excited and that they worry, the frequency of the calls is too much. Alternatively, record an answerphone message to say that there is no news, and that if anyone is calling for any reason other than to ask 'how you're doing, or if you've had the baby' then leave a message and you'll call back...at some point.

My sympathy. I'm only 20 weeks but my mum is driving me round the bend already. She wants to know every detail of every medical appointment, quizzes me about everything from which maternity bras I'll use, exactly how often and at what time the baby kicks, how I'll keep cool through the summer and exactly what medication I'll be needing if I get the same medical condition as last time. She even rung me NINE times on my mobile between 9.30 and 10.30 on Monday as she knew I had a scan appointment at 9.30 and she wanted the full details. Didn't even go into scan room until 10 as they were running late. What she'll be like by the time I'm at your stage I do not know.

I'm as evasive as I can be, give very vague answers and most of the time tell her I don't now or I can't remember. We really are not obliged to discuss every last detail with our parents. Its enough for them to know a baby is on the way, their own dd is in no major danger of keeling over herself and all is as far as possible preceding as normal. I have not for example told mum that I'll probably have a planned induction as she'd then want to know the exact date, time and place!

Good luck with everything - they are just excited and probably have the best intentions but its quite understandable its driving us MAD

its hard!!
my mum is a real fusser and worrier but im used to it she luves for me and her grandaughter but im 38+3 and she kerps,ringing texting any twinges yet a show anything!!?? no!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my dd was born.at 39 weeks so shes convinced this one is bound to come any minute/second!!

I think if it bothers,you that much then be totally honest with them and that you appreciate thete very excited, but your feeling anxious about the uknown and there making it worse and you will promise to tell them when there is somthing worth telling???

Thank you Flisspaps - I like the idea with the answerphone message! I guess the relatives are feeling excluded since I live so far away, and I am not giving them much information (they would like to know more intimate details, and I have been clear that is not what I want to share with them). I fear that they will get so over the top with their excitement, if I don't answer the phone for a few days if I am in labour, they will just fly over and turn up on the doorstep. (A few years ago, when I didn't answer the phone over a long weekend when we were staying away with friends, and I rang them on Sunday, my mother told me that my father had started smoking again, he got so stressed by me not answering the phone ...) I always thought I had a close bond with my parents, but I am wondering whether this really is the case. I need to think how i best tell them that what they do is stressing me out, without causing them to be upset and feeling excluded.

Thank you too, faintpinkline and Emsgale. Other mothers are overreacting too then! The added problem is, they don't live in this country and they don't really understand how and why things are done differently here (in my native country it is much more medicalised, and women for example stay in hospital for three days at least after the birth ...)

Call screening. It's the only way.

I used to use sarcasm last time. It didn't really help but made me feel better! Top ones include "Oh yes I did have the baby. It was last week did I not mention it?" "Any news? Let me check yes, still look like a whale" "Oh! Did you not see the notice in The Times?"

Downright rudeness may be needed. You can always blame hormones later: "I will ring if there is any news. Now get off the line I'm napping." "Go away." "No, I will not ring you as soon as I go into labour. I could be labouring for days. I will call when I have had the baby". "if you don't stop ringing I will make him after FIL".

Name, not make.

I hate to say it... but they will be even worse when the child is in existence...! Practise putting distance between you now, it will stand you in good stead later.

Oh, wow, I didn't realise how much company I'm in!

9 times in 1 hour, faintpinkline? I was upset when in the space of 4 hours my Mum: sent a message on Facebook, an email, a phone message, and attempted to initiate video chat 4 times. And we had just had a 2-hr+ video chat two days before.

If it didn't take so much of my time (and upset me so much), I'd be happy to communicate more. But she can't seem to have a conversation that lasts less than an hour and each one we have seems to take longer and longer. And she keeps saying things like "I'm just so concerned", "I worry about you". How am I supposed to respond to that? There's only so many times I can say I'm fine and I don't need to be reassuring my Mum about the birth when I'd rather have someone reassure me about the birth!

I'm now past my due date and my folks are beside themselves with what appears pure panic. I feel horribly guilty that I'm doing this to them, but it's not my fault the baby hasn't come yet! And I want to actually get some rest in these last days, not spend every moment updating them.

Thanks for the chance to vent and know I'm not alone :)

Tell them you're off out ski-diving silver and won't be available to talk to for a whole day

If you have Skype disable it.

My PIL (well, MIL) was a bit like this but even she managed every other day... and only really in the last week. She was convinced we wouldn't say when we went into labour! Funnily enough, once we had started she relaxed and backed right off - didn't want hourly 'cervix checks' (although we phoned every so often anyway).

It was great when I did have a show - it was only the night before - but for once I could report something!

I'd say you have to humour them a bit because you'll want their support after birth... but this isn't so much the case with you so why don't you get as offensive as you like? :o

The only thing I would say is with regard to labour if it's taking a while. My sis had a tough one and towards the end, when it was hours after we'd expected a call and hadn't had one, my Mum and I were calling each other saying how worried we were. My Mum and I hardly ever get like that! My labour was bog average; 10.5 hrs but very quick second stage. My sister's second stage was like, 6 hours? We were thinking she or the baby had died or something. So if that happens I would advise your DH to call if you can to reassure all is still going along.

Good luck anyway! You never know they may be a godsend when they come for their early visits. It is quite a shock to the system and you'll probably be grateful for the moral (and hopefully practical) support.

Yep put some ground rules down now. I'm now 10 days overdue and for the last few weeks I have laid down the law and sometimes have been quite rude or sarcastic. My mum has been fine and only checks how I am but my mil starting ringing few times a day esp if she knew I had a check up. So in the end I had dh have a firm word with her. She started crying and put the phone down on him! But has been alot better since. I've been very very sketchy on hospital details and obv i've been given an induction date now which we wont tell her.

Ha...I am 13 weeks tomorrow and had my scan on Tuesday. Send my mum a scan pic via bbm as we live 450 miles apart and its now her profile pic on FB
I was really peeved when I saw it! I do feel it is slightly weird too.
Hubby keeps saying they mean no harm and are just excited but I still feel a bit odd about it.

I shall be watching what I send her in future

My MIL has been exactly the same. She'd only met me two me twice when I found out I was pregnant and ever since has been a complete annoyance. She bought us the same pregnancy books so she can read up about everything week by week, she's always asking us to go round for dinner (as if we just sit there and don't eat otherwise!) and keeps buying us stuff for our new flat so that she feels she can just come around. In at the point where I feel like a surrogate for her, especially when she refers to it as 'our baby'! I'm also not showing very much for 25weeks and she feels the need to tell me this every time she sees me saying 'oh I want to see/feel a bump', even if there was one the answer would be no. I think the best thing is just to say how you feel and explain how things are going to be as I have had to. Explain how you want space and that it's your child not theirs and that they need to ask you before making any decisions or input.

I feel for you, relatives can be so overbearing at times!

Like others have said, I think you need to sit down and figure out your ground rules for the rest of the pregnancy and after the birth. It will help you to stick by them when you remember that none of them are unreasonable. Remember one thing, you are not obliged to tell them anything at all so go with what you feel comfortable with. Obviously they are your parents and in-laws so they naturally will want to know you are safe and you want to be reassuring as well but not at the expense of your nerves and sanity! Have your DP screen calls, leave an answering message on the phone and be very clear that in no circumstances are they to turn up unannounced.

I found having firm rules for after the birth was a life saver, especially in terms of phone calls and visits duration. You simply don't know how you're going to feel. Despite having restricted visiting times I still had a horrendous time when my very loud in-laws turned up with lunch and stayed for an entire afternoon two weeks after the birth. I had had a long birth and slow recovery and I hid upstairs for the duration of their visit. I was faint with hunger by the time they arrived as well (they'd offered to bring lunch and then proceeded to make it from scratch in our kitchen!!).
My parents came to visit from France and I am very glad that I asked them not to come until DD was over 1 month old. I could not have coped with them in our house for 2 weeks.

Im getting pissed off now, im 39+5 and my family all know I can't get a decent night's sleep and yet my grandma seems to find it acceptable to text me at 8 in the morning saying ....not long now... Yeah no shit Sherlock! The texts asking if I've "popped" are grinding on me now....how about this.. When things are happening I will put it on fb so I don't have to do it one person at a time!

This makes me glad that my PIL and GP are living in a different country! PIL are overbearing when we visit and talk on skype, God forbid they come over for the birth!

I was in early labour for a week whilst living with in laws. The birth wasn't perfect and I wonder if things may have been different without the stress of constant, "Why aren't you at the hospital I am worried about our baby?!"

Felt very naive that I'd let everyone be so involved, told my MIL I was having contractions etc.

Next time we'll be in our own home but as a result of my first experience I'll be lying about the due date to avoid any stressful phone calls!

I don't have 'intense' parents or PIL compared to these stories, but I still didn't like anyone asking/texting/phoning to 'ask' the closer I got to my due date.
I went in to labour 3 days early, and i didnt want to tell anyone other than my DH. my sister was on the phone for the first hour (as the contractions started to get too painful, i said i had to go cos i had something in the oven), my dad popped round on his way home from work 2 hours into it (I hadn't told him anything had started) and I sat on the sofa pretending everything was normal whilst he had a cuppa for half an hour till he left! My mum then rang an hour later (was then in agony in the bath), and I spoke to her for 2 mins, pretending I was having a relaxing bath (in between contractions)
I then rang them all later that evening to say I'd had the baby, and none of them even had an idea I had been in labour.

I'd say, as soon as the mild contractions start, give everyone a pretend phone call to say no news but we're doing something for the rest of the day, so speak tomorrow, will put people off the scent to stop them wanting cervical dilation updates!

My mil was the same when pg with my DS. If we didn't answer the phone she went mad! We went to the cinema once and switched our phones off - DH got a right telling off when she got hold of him! I think that was the last straw and he said we don't have to tell her everything we do.

Anyway my waters went on Friday at 9pm and I went strait into hospital. DS wasn't born till 2:41am Sunday and she didn't call once! Di we went through the whole labour on our own like we wanted. Think DH telling her to back off helped. Also sending her a random text an hour before my waters went probably made her feel like everything was ok and I wasn't in labour haha.

I like this website as a reply for all the well-meaning but annoying messages

www.haveyouhadthatbabyyet.com

LOL!!!!!! :D Saving that link!!! :D :D :D