Pregnancy envy

[pamplem0usse]

Maybe not the right place, in which case I apologise....
I want to ask for advice because my SiL's reaction to my pregnancy is making me feel depressed and I'm not sure what else I can do for the best.
My BiL and SiL have been trying for a baby for just over eighteen months. They had an early miscarriage around the time my now toddling first daughter was born (but we didn't learn of this until much later).
Several ectopic pregnancies and miscarriages down the line they're still struggling to have a baby.
Having taken some time to conceive our first child we were very surprised when this one came along so easily. I'm down 15 weeks pregnant.

Aside from parents, we told my BiL and SiL about this baby first, gently, face to face, making clear that we were very sad that things had happened in this order. My SiL has been openly hostile towards me, and more worryingly my daughter for at least 12 months, and is not prepared to make allowances for her (i.e. their living room is 1st floor but she won't shut the door when we're round meaning I keep having to chase my daughter away from the stairs). She is now refusing to see me at all. We only live ten minutes away and this is going to make family gatherings etc... very awkward. I'm also very hurt that she can't see past her own struggles. I feel very very sad for her, but she has not even been able to utter a single word of congratulations, and when I've tried to make arrangements to see her avoided them, before now, explicitly, saying she can't bear to see me.
My in-laws are down as guardians for our children should anything happen to DH or I. On an immediate level I think we have to change this. But on a less immediately level I really don't know how to proceed. Are things going to be like this until they have children of their own? -- by which time our relationships are likely to be shot.

its a very tricky situation!
but its not your fault,they cannot concieve and they shouldnt make you feel like it is have you concidered being quite straight with them about how you feel and how this will make yor children feel as they.get older and if sil ever feel pregnant what if you were hostile towards there child it would be really upsetting for them!!

I didn't want to read and run, I seriously feel for you and your situation, but I don't have any good advice unfortunately. I'm now 23 +4 and turns out my due date would have been the same as one of the girls I worked with. Telling her was one of the hardest things I've had to do as we are close, but I couldn't tell her sooner & the longer I left it the worse it got. It took her a few weeks but she came around, she's now excited about babysitting duties and shopping for clothes which is great. For her it wasn't the right time and in hind sight she can see that but not everyone has that view. I hope your sil comes round sooner rather that later, she is missing out of being a auntie for (soon to be) two dc!
I really hope it gets better for you!

I had the same problem when my sil had miscarried 12 weeks pregnant and at the same time i was also pregnant- i felt very sad for her at such an awful time in her life. Just be there for her when she needs you which she will some day.
My sil didnt come to see us for 4 months after our baby was born & if we went to mil for family get togethers she would avoid them so not to have to see my baby. Complete understandable given the fact her baby if she'd not miscarried would jave been the same age as my baby.
So think in her shoes, she probably isnt meaning to be hostile but its coming across that way.
My sil has since gone on to have a new baby and she now sees us much more.
Hopefully her baby dreams will be fullfilled and things will become better between you

Sounds like a very difficult situation. Sadly I had a mmc last year (now thankfully and happily 20 weeks pregnant!) and the grief was horrendous, never expected it to be as hard as it was. It took months to get over, and at times I worried I was becoming depressed. During this time my close friend announced she was pregnant, which although was hard, as it realised my own loss again, I was able to separate my grief from her joy, and be happy for her, it wasn't easy but in no way was I personally angry at her, maybe angry at what had happened to me.

Thinking of your SIL sounds like she's been/going through hell, with numerous miscarriages and ectopics, I think this could easily drive anyone to the edge. However, it is not an excuse for her to treat you or your daughter and your soon to be little bundle of joy so bad. Sounds to me like your SIL is depressed and instead of dealing with her grief, of which anger and envy is a natural and awful part, she is taking it out on you, sadly making your life and her own life difficult, destroying what is good.

You are probably not the right person to talk to her about this, but I wonder if your BIL, MIL or someone she trusts could gently begin talking about her behaviour, her feelings, why she is struggling so much, and maybe encourage her to seek help. It must be so difficult for your SIL to deal with her grief, but I repeat she has no right to treat others so badly, its not your fault, sadly awful things happen. I think you've done so well not to have confronted her already, particularly when she's acting so uncaring towards your daughter. Her behaviour is only making things worse for everyone, including her, how awful it must be to be so envious and bitter.

I know its very difficult, but try and not let your SIL anger and depression into you, its her stuff not yours, she's the one who needs to deal with it. I hope she gets the help she needs, and in the meantime if she can't be civil then reduce contact, and keep yourself well

I'm now 25+3 but before this had been ttc for 2.5 years, 2 losses one at 7 one at 13 weeks. This is an ivf baby.
I feel really sorry for your SIL, she is in a heartbreaking position and is just doing whatever she can to get through. If she finds it too hard to see or speak to you, you need to understand this isn't personal about you. She is terrified, grieving and all sorts of other terrible emotions.
Your relationship won't be wrecked because probably when she does become successfully pg she will feel differently towards you and things will get easier. You will be waiting to welcome her back because you are a good person and understand why she is feeling this way.
This is my experience anyway. I have friends whose LO was born at the same time as our angel would have been. I have never managed to look at or interact with the child but feel better about things now. we are still good friends. They get it because they know how they would feel if roles were reversed. There but for the grace of God and all that.
I hope you are able to enjoy your pregnancy understanding how precious it is and that your SIL gets her rainbow baby and is able to put the hell of ttc and mc behind her soon.

It's one thing avoiding you, which I think is understandable, however, being nasty to your child, her niece is just very wrong, I would leave things, try not to have little or no contact with her, and do not remove yourself from family events, however sad and devastating her situation is, you shouldn't be made to feel like an outsider because of her reactions. I would also probably just let a family member know, mil or someone else, that you feel awful for her, but again, there is nothing you can to to change her situation, and that you would like to remain friendly, because when she has children, you want them to know your children etc.

im sorry your going through this, I've experienced something similar when i announced we were trying for our second child my sil announced that she was shortly after, she fell pg first and i followed and our due dates were a week apart, she unfortunately had a mmc and found out at her 12 week scan, things immediately became tense between us, which i totally understood, she tried again very quick and fell pg again and i was absolutely thrilled for her and things got better again, unfortunately she had a mmc again :( this really put strain on our relationship to the point we didnt talk.unless i bumped into to her at mil and when that happened nobody talked about my pg, it made me really upset as i understood it was hard but it wasn't my fault i was still pg and wanted to be excited, she has since had another baby but things have never recovered between us, which is quite sad as we are of similar age and id love to be able to support her as she is really struggling at the minute, im not sure things will ever change, she has never been horrible to my ds though and we do get together for family occasions x hope things get better for you

I suffered from a mmc at 13 weeks two years ago and struggled to conceive. I am now 31 wks gone. I understand, to an extent, your SILs behaviour, maybe not being nasty to your toddler but definitley the hostility and avoidance of you. Anything to do with babies or young children reminded me of my own situation and still does in a way. It wasn't that I felt angry at others for being pregnant or having children, I felt angry I was not able to be in that position and being around these people reminded me of this. Even now I am far into my pregnancy I still have apprehensions and find others announcements difficult still. She may come around, she may not but never underestimate the grief she is bearing and what she is going through. It makes you behave in a way which is difficult for others to understand.

Thank you so much for all of your kind words, especially you ladies who have had tough times yourselves.
I think it's really helpful to be reminded just how traumatic and all consuming struggling to have a baby can be.
I love my sister in law dearly, and it's helpful to be reminded what a bad place she is in right now. The hardest bit is the behaviour towards my child/ baby to be, but I think I'll just have to continue ignoring that whilst putting steps in place for different people to have guardianship of them should anything happen to my husband and I. Right now, I'm hoping my daughter is too young to notice; if it continues I might have to be more forthright so that she doesn't think this is her fault.

Good to hear your experiences, and hope your pregnancies continue to progress happily and peacefully.