I am upset about my friends

[ladyfoucault]

My partner and I have a group of friends we used to hang out with over the last five years or so. Most of them don't have children. We had good times with those friends, mostly involving lots of booze and partying. Since telling them about my pregnancy, the women of the group have gone quiet on me. They never contact me, never ask me how I am. I am pretty upset about the lack of interest from my girlfriends. I want to express to them how disappointed I am but maybe I should just cut them out of my life and ignore them. When I said something along those lines previously to one of them via email, the reply was that everybody has a lot on their plate...I have plenty of times supported these friends through episodes of illness, both physical and mental, break-ups, etc, but I feel now that I could do with support, they don't get it. Have others got friends like that, and how did they deal with them, or to be more precise, what do they do to protect themselves, so they don't feel so bloody hurt all the time? :-(

Do you ask them out/ over to yours?

I can completely understand where you are coming from - I had what I thought was a great group of friends BUT after getting pg found out that really I was the one who did most of the running round and organising. I have had a difficult pg (40+1 today thank god) but didn't get any real support through it from any of them.

They have made similar excuses of "having a lot on their plate" but to be honest it has nothing to do with that and everything to do with the fact that were the first couple from our group to start a family. As no one else has experience of this they simply don't understand how draining and worrying the whole thing can be and it's almost as if you no longer exist because you can't be out drinking!! I had a very emotional talk with DH about things and said how upset and hurt I was considering all the help and support I'd given them over the years. (me weeping in the motorway services because I felt so low and had no one to turn to).

DH advised I get some 'mummy to be friends' - I needed someone to talk to and enjoy time with that would make time for me and do it at times and in places that I was comfortable going to. He was totally right - I joined a local pg fitness class and have found these women to be such a help and support. It's a big group and as each of us has our babies we continue to meet up and do things together. I haven't cut out my old group of friends because we did have lots of good times but I have focused more on my new friends - maybe things will go back to how they were once I have the baby, maybe they won't but I know I have women to call on for advice, support, people to meet up with ect and they understand what I'm dealing with and the responsibilities I now face. I'm sure that when the next couple get pg that person will come to you as 'the experienced one' and it will be up to you to decide how much or little help you give them considering their current behaviour.

Your life has changed in a way they simply can't comprehend but don't let that stop you from making the most of the blessing of being pg and what having your child will bring to your life. Best of luck with it all xxx

Really good advise from InsomniaQueen - find some other mums-to-be and that helps lots. You'll prob meet some more in your antenatal class (suggest an NCT one). And then at babygroups when baby is born.

We were also the first in our group. I was trying to think of it from their perspective: I don't think I quite realised just how much having a baby changes your life! You always hear it does but not in quite the same way. Before you have kids, you think you can just carry on doing the same things, just take baby along... but not that simple! So some of your friends won't understand why you seem to be around less. Some friends we just seem to have lots touch with, despite trying to get them round to ours, but I think we're just at different stages... maybe when they have kids things will be different again and we are open to that. We've had to change socialising strategies - we tend to invite people over to ours for dinner loads, cos easier to handle DS who can go to sleep at home. Or we do lunch/daytime outings on the weekend.

You will find out who your real friends are. Try to make as much effort as you can with them, let them know you really value their support, and see what happens...

I feel for you, we were the first too and I was worried about knowing noone on maternity leave while all other friends at work. I joined NCT and we made 6 other new parent friends who we see all the time now (DC is 18 mths), all the kids play together and we've been away for long weekends too. It's great. I also met Mum friends through loval baby groups + from putting a post on the mumsnet local part of this site. Was great. Your life is changing but for the better + you will need your mummy friends when the LO arrives even if it's just for reassurance, a moan or someone to walk around the park with on a chilly day. Enjoy every second, you will make new friends no problem.

I think you should have a conversation with one of them about it (email is always hard in situations like this) - perhaps they genuinely do have a lot on, or perhaps they're just not that interested in hearing the ins and outs of your pregnancy? I really don't mean that in a horrible way - honestly!

When the first in a group is pregnant it's always a little strange for the rest - their lives carry on as normal while huge changes are happening in yours. It doesn't mean they should not be your friends any more, but while your priorities are changing, theirs aren't.

I speak as someone who is desperate to have a child and has been for some time - in fact it was assumed / we were 'meant to be the first' in our group, if that makes sense?! Don't assume it's as cut and dried as it might feel.

I think the suggestions of joining groups or activities where you'll meet others in your situation are great - they're probably in similar situations if they're among the first.

Just re-read my post - not sure it makse sense?! What I mean is, don't get too hung on their apparent (lack of) interest in your pregnancy - it's your pregnancy, not theirs.

I'm sure they will still be there for you, so don't read too much into this.

Thank you all, ladies, for your kind words. The odd thing is: One of my girlfriends in this group already has a child, and I would have expected her to be a bit more supportive as she has gone through it all herself. But she has split up from her partner and is now a single mum, so it might be too much for her to see me like that (in a relationship, pregnant). Oh, I don't know. I am sure they do have a lot on - they always have. The pretty much constant drinking doesn't help. I have never really received much support from my friends, not at the level they have received support, mainly because I do not always share when things happen to me.
I was really upset but maybe I should just think about the great things I have, the good things to come and the love that I get from other people ( I have made some mum and mum-to-be friends already - a little bit scary but exciting!), and not consider the relationship with my old friends so important any more. If I stay angry and ignore them, they won't even notice. Meeting up with them is difficult, it is always in a pub situation, with people getting drunk. It is sad but I guess the truth is, booze was our common denominator, and there is not much left now that I don't drink anymore.

I know how you feel. I was really close friends with a few girls as well until I found out I was pregnant and couldn't go drinking with them anymore. It is very sad that something so wonderful can cause people to stop wanting to spend time with you.

One of my closest friends has been really quiet with me. Not answering texts or emails and avoiding me at all costs. I believe its because my pregnancy has made her panic about her own life and what she wants as she is very much the career woman just now rather than mother figure. She has told me how envious she is of me, my relationship, and my pregnancy and that she is scared she is going to be too late for all of this. She is uncertain of her relationship and making plans for the future that do not involve children despite her thinking she may like to be a Mother. I keep up the one sided communication but respect her distance given it must be hard to be around me.

Lady, don't feel you can't still spend time with them just because they drink. Pubs do serve soft drinks!

However, if what you're saying is they were 'drinking buddies' more than true friends, then you're taking the right approach in looking forward to a great and exciting future with your new family. You'll find your social circle will evolve as you get more involved in pregnancy-focused groups where other people's priorities are more in line with your own.

Like insomnia says, I too in the past have had a lot of friends who I only later realised never bothered to contact me as I was always contacting and arranging things with them.

It's interesting what you said about not having anything in common anymore. This wasn't related to my pregnancy, but before I have had several friends who I have found to be very friendly - always wanting to do stuff with you/inviting and calling you - only to suddenly stop. And it always turned out they stopped once they realised that I wasn't exactly like them. This is never an issue for me as I don't really need my friends to be VERY like me, but I think I maybe gave the impression I was in to whatever they were and they seemed to then think I was exactly the same as them, just because we did something they liked a couple of times. Often it involved drinking, or going to a specific bar/club. But when I then suggested something different I'd find myself on the sidelines. Generally these people are the kind who need friends just like them in order to validate what they themselves are doing in life. I remember one particularly flaky friend shunning me as she found me listening to led zeppelin in my house; she was very twee and the idea I liked "crazy rock music" sent her running haha! Like sharond says perhaps it is likely that your new situation - and what your life is becoming - is making them uncomfortable due to it being far different to what they think life is and should be. It's sad that many people can't accept that people are all different and that circumstances change.

I guess at some point you always find out who your real friends are. They are the ones who take the time to contact you when they haven't heard from you in a while; not just the other way around. My social life has been infinatley more relaxed and happy since I stopped contacting those who would never do the same back. And from my pregnancy I've found my true friends (a very select bunch of great people) were the ones who said things like "anything you need just call me" when they found out (as well as being very happy!). If someone never offers you support then they aren't really a friend.

Maybe some of your friends will come around, may take a while especially if they are in a group who all seem not to want to.

x