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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

My DP is not being very nice.

15 replies

lucyjames · 17/03/2012 17:44

Is it just me or pregnancy hormones?

I am very early on in my pregnancy, just 6 weeks today. I found out I was pregnant 18 days ago and he seems to be getting worse and worse :(

It was a planned pregnancy but he claims he is "in shock". He is being snappy and generally nasty to me. For example, today I text him when he was out to buy me a twix, he text back he would but came home 6 hours later :(, he was only visiting his mum. I admit my hormones are everywhere and I am a bit snappier than normal, but when I am he goes OTT snapping and shouting at me. He said to me the other night that he doesn't think I will enjoy motherhood as I am too stressy! The comment made me cry and really upset me. My worst fear is being a bad mum and he is telling me I will be.

I just don't know what to do. All I know is that I should not be crying every few days because of things he says to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

lucyjames · 17/03/2012 17:45

I really think that this should be a joyous and happy time. It is not, far far from it.

OP posts:

StrawberrytallCAKE · 17/03/2012 17:58

I was horrific in the first 3 months of pregnancy, I think it's quite normal. Couldn't stand the look or smell of dh and hated the way he ate or spoke to me. Do you feel like that at all?

I am not saying you shouldn't but upset by what he has said to you at all, you should and he needs to know to look after you more and understand how emotional you can be due to hormones (or due to him being a tit). He should not be shouting at you, talk to him.

StrawberrytallCAKE · 17/03/2012 17:59

*be not but.

I also found the first three months to be very much not joyous and would rather have given birth to a puppy than a dog but everything changes and mothering came naturally for the most part and was learnt for the rest. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

AliceHurled · 17/03/2012 18:04

No he should not be being nasty to you when you are pregnant Lucy, nor any other time. You are absolutely right when you say you should not be crying every few days because of what he is saying to you. You need love and support.

Has he been like this before?

It might also be worth thinking about posting on the relationships board - it's a very supportive place for people in your position and there is a wealth of knowledge.

Crocodilio · 17/03/2012 19:48

"For example, today I text him when he was out to buy me a twix, he text back he would but came home 6 hours later , he was only visiting his mum."

Hormones! Did you want him to come rushing back with it as soon as he received the text?

As a pregnancy hormones veteran, I am just learning on my third go that what seems eminently reasonable to me at the time would not seem so if I were not pregnant or breastfeeding. Honestly, it's very hard to look at it that way when you are in it, but I'm finding it easier (a bit) if I try.

However, if you think he is being an arse for more reason that just that you are both tired and irritable and he is responding to you treating like an arse (like in the Twix situation), then you may have bigger problems.

You both have to be very understanding of each other, it's often a hard time to get through.

DonnaDoon · 17/03/2012 20:19

Sorry Lucy but any dp worth his salt should be treating the future mother of his dc nicely and not sodding off for six hours and not making her cry...just my 2p x

osterleymama · 17/03/2012 20:35

DP was a knob for the beginning of my first pregnancy, he basically went on a bender for six weeks. He became increasingly supportive as he got his head around the whole thing and when we talked about it later it told me

a) He was indeed a knob and it won't happen again and
b) It took him until a bump arrived to really get it into his head that I was pregnant. Before that he just felt a sort of omnious change afoot and freaked out at the upcoming responsibility.

I'm not justifying it AT ALL, it's not OK to behave like that when your partner is vulnerable. But he may just be taking a little longer than you to get in the right head space.

Loislane78 · 17/03/2012 20:38

Try picking a time when you don't feel so emotional (hard I know!) and asking him how he's feeling about things. Maybe he's worried about finances or bonding with baby or how he'll cope or thinks he's losing you somehow....?

Not excusing his behaviour but if he 's not normally like this give him the benefit of the doubt (sure we all do/say stupid things we wish we hadn't). If that doesn't work, tell him to get a grip! This is amazing news and he should be supporting you!

Good luck ;)

pixiepud · 17/03/2012 20:39

I totally understand how you feel Lucy, my husband can snap at me from time to time (usually hes a lovely husband and is very thoughtful) and me being the person i am, i can be abit sensitive and think "how dare he speak to me like that, thats not how a man should speak to his wife" and get all sulky and moody. It does highly piss me off BUT on the other hand, men can be just as moody as women and have their ' PMT' moments as i call them. Although planned i would till think there was alot of stress and pressure and shock involved too, with this pregnancy, maybe have a quiet sit down with him and explain how you feel ? That way it will give him a chance to really express how he feels right now too.

StrawberrytallCAKE · 17/03/2012 20:49

So true osterley my dp wasn't so supportive until he saw the bump, he knows now if we have another one that before the bump is just as important.

The first trimester is such a transitional time for both of you, seriously just have a chat! I really hope it works out.

Original poster

lucyjames · 17/03/2012 22:20

Thanks for the replies.

No, I didn't expect him to come running with the twix and I should have explained more clearly. We had yet another argument this morning and he stomped off to his mothers (to moan about me I presume). He was gone about 2 hours and I text him apologising and asking him to buy me a twix on his way home. He said his mum WAS OUT??? and he would be home in an hour. 4 hours later he strolled in (twixless). Turns out to piss me off, he stayed at hers even though she went off shopping!

He hasn't hugged or cuddled me once since we found out I am pregnant. I think something is seriously wrong here.

OP posts:

ledkr · 17/03/2012 22:30

Mine was like this too,Normally supportive and lovely baby was very unexpected but much wanted. He later said it was because he couldnt believe it was happening as he had resigned himself to nevr having a baby,
He is the best father ever now,does most of the night wakes and is totally dedicated to us.

jaylee89 · 18/03/2012 01:49

i have read your post and all i can say "is what a total prick" sorry lucy but you seriously need to tell him that he needs to explain why he is being like this. he knew what he was doing you planned the pregnancy and if he is getting cold feet now then he should have consulted that with you instead of taking it out on you!

tell him to do one for a few day....he will then torture himself silly about not being there for you and hopefully come to terms with being a father!

sorry your going through this sweetie MEN AY??? (only good for one thing and most of the time they have to be taught how to do that right!)

FreshwaterPlimpies · 18/03/2012 08:36

Just read your post..
I'd never realised until last year how much pg makes you crave the support and reassurance of a partner. Your DH has clearly got his own issues and can't deal with any change in your emotions too.
Need to have a big talk soon I think and find out what's bothering him, because he's not treating you well.

At first DH wasn't the paragon of manly strength I'd hoped he'd be either. He was sulky and undemonstrative and generally had me in tears because I felt so unsupported; he wouldn't take any reassurance from me either.
I felt like the stability I'd hoped for just wasn't there.
He was like this until the first scan, when he completely came around, which I've since heard is fairly normal. Our baby wasn't planned however- though we had planned on TTC within the next year/18mnths- so I can forgive him now.

Just keep looking after yourself and keeping your stress down. If you don't get anywhere after talking it out, maybe try again. If not then I hope the scan will make him realise what a plonker he's being.

Bearhugs43 · 18/03/2012 09:05

He's behaving idiotically... But my guess is he's struggling with the reality of pending fatherhood and all the unknowns. That is no excuse and he really needs a good shake and realise it is exactly the same for you (plus you have the physical symptoms too)

Is there anyway you can chat with his mum (dress it up as finding out how you can support him as he's obviously finding the news difficult da da da - anything to get a conversation - she may have some enlightening info)

Otherwise keep talking on here, talk to dp as much as is possible but give him a wide berth whilst he's stroppy. Have you got RL friends who can offer support and an ear? And his mum may be a good help if you can relate to her at all (not always easy my MIL is a pain!)

My guess is Lucy that it is very very early days and he will find his stride ( if there haven't been rel'ship issues before) and all will be wonderful soon.

Good luck (and go buy a massive Twix multipack and stash it - my experience is the less you ask for the more they want to give - he'll prob start bringing one home every night )

Take care. X

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