My close friend's relative recently lost a much wanted and planned baby in the first tri. I am 8 months pregnant with my first baby a little sooner than DH and I had anticipated, but we're both incredibly happy.
Yesterday, I was commiserating with my friend about her relative, when friend basically stated that her relative's grief was so much the greater because the baby was planned, and that if a couple loses an unplanned baby (e.g. like ours,) its just not quite as bad.
I disagreed rather mildly, and changed the subject, but am still quietly seething at this. I can think of few things that would be worse than losing a baby, but having never had a miscarriage, I cannot know or possibly speak for anyone who has.
The more I think about about it, the more I realise that the subtext was that it is unfair that 'more deserving' couples have to deal with miscarriage, whilst those like us feckless types, get to keep our babies.
I feel that perhaps I haven't been showing her how pleased I actually am with the pregnancy. She's had a lot of bad luck lately, and I've felt that being overly gushy about it would just come across as insensitive. She also has terrible baby fever (I've experienced this too, but I have never shared this with her- only with DH), which is another reason I haven't wanted to seem like I'm rubbing it in her face.
Unfortunately, her newfound preoccupation with babies has brought out the expert in her, and I find myself having to defend a lot of our carefully thought-out parenting ideas and plans and hear regularly what she'll be doing with her children.
I think keeping shtum has backfired, but now is hardly a good time to show my happiness as it really is.
Do you think telling her the truth, that we were planning on TTC within a year or two would help with her feelings of the unfairness of it all? I think deep down, she believes we haven't prepared, and I'm feeling quite hormonal defensive atm.