Advice telling friends who have MC / fertility issues about my PG

[Beans1977]

Really, just what is says - grateful for any advice. My DH and I have recently had our 12w scan and NTs, and would like to begin to share our news with close friends (I blabbed to family weeks ago!). The difficulty is that one of my best friends has just had a MC, and another very good friend has fertility issues that are really upsetting for her.

I am a sensitive person and myself had a MMC at 13w last year - and have also lost a twin in this PG - so I won't be going in all beaming and me, me, me. But I am nervous of having the conversations. I'm sure they are likely to feel a mixture of emotions and I'm aware what I say will remind them of their losses. I know when we had just had the MMC last year I hated hearing about PGs and babies - I was happy for my friends but I was so sad and angry for me and DH, that coloured everything.

Should I just be open and honest and let them know the situation one-on-one and face-to-face - and I guess I can say I understand if it's difficult news and they'd rather I didn't talk about it with them much... or?

Like you - I've been on both sides of the fence.

I'm also 12 weeks pregnant and had my scan on Saturday. I want to tell my best friend but she had a MMC last year and I spent most of Sunday afternoon with her and I just couldn't bring myself to tell her.

I think I may pop up to her house this week and tell her face to face. I am hoping that she may be pregnant herself as she's been complaining of feeling ill/ not drinking etc so fingers crossed.

Sorry no advice, but in the same boat.

So hard to know how to tell, even when you know someone really well. When we came to tell this time around we luckily didn't have to share the news with anyone who had gone through a loss / fertility issues.

However, I've had a couple of MCs, one right before this current pregnancy and one years ago. When it happened years ago, the day I suspected I was miscarrying (we'd been trying for a year and hadn't told anyone we were pregnant at this point) our best friends took us out for lunch and told us they were expecting. The pain was unbearable - I said nothing until weeks after. I think what I found hardest is that the friends were so dear to us, so kind and so thoughtful - I knew they would have been paining over how to tell us as they knew we had been trying for so long without success. But their decision was to say nothing about our attempts at all - not a single comment at any point. And that hurt a little bit, despite how much I knew they cared.

I guess nothing they could have said would have made the news easier to hear. However they broke the news, it would have still stung (despite that we were v happy for them). Best to go with your gut instinct. Don't be afraid to acknowledge your friend's heartache but at the same time don't layer on the pity as that's hard to take too. A very delicate balance.

Sorry Beans, not very helpful advice but wishing you lots of luck as it's a hard position for all of you to be in. Actually I do have a small bit of advice. Whether you choose on the phone or f2f, don't do it in public. That was awful feeling my face all hot and wanting to cry so hard and having no escape. If you are friends that can cry with each other, f2f at home. If not, and you are slightly more distant friends, perhaps worth thinking about the phone or even a little hand written card that gives you the chance to say you appreciate this must be so hard for her at the moment. Gives her time to take it in, cry in private and then chat to you when she is over her shock/grief so she really can be happy for your pregnancy.

And congratulations! Enjoy your beautiful, happy and healthy pregnancy Good luck.

It might be worth considering telling them on the telephone and then they will have time to sort our any complicated feelings before having to deal with you face to face and be really pleased? By the time you see them hopefully they will have got their heads round it and will genuinely be really pleased. Just a thought. It's what DH and I did with one close friend who had recently had a MC. She disappeared for about a week and then has been absolutely brilliant since. Good luck x

I'd email first then follow up with a breezy phonecall. That way they have time to compose themselves & be happy for you. Don't apologise or make any sort of "guilt" noises - my best friend did this, when she eventually told me she was pregnant when we were about to start IVF, and it hurt. I wanted MY baby, not hers.
Congratulations btw!

Thanks everyone - appreciate the advice.

It is a difficult situation and I suspect however much I try to break the news in a gentle and thoughtful way it will still upset my friends because it will remind them of their sadness.

I am seeing one on Thursday night with another friend - I think I will call her/email her first just to let her know, I can see now it could be hard for her when there's another friend there as well.

Appreciate the advice ladies, and congrats on all your lovely PGs :-) x

After my miscarriage our friends found out they were pregnant and it is hard but they let me know by text and this was the best way as it meant I could have a little cry , compose myself and then be genuinely happy for them.
Whichever way you think is best for your friends you know them best but sometimes not face to face is better as it means you can have a bit of time before facing your pregnant friend.

Also been on both sides of this, years of infertility and then finally my own miracle - but by then I had friends who I knew also had fertility problems. I can only say how I like to be told - one to one or by e-mail etc. The worst possible way is in a crowd full of other people which one of my friends acquaintances did and then looked pointedly at me to see what my reaction was .

My sadness at other people's pregnancies (and yes, I still get upset) is my own and nothing to do with the other person, I am always genuinely happy for them, just sad for myself. You sound like a kind person who really empathises so I am sure however you choose to tell your fantastic news, you will find your friends happy for you so don't stress, enjoy your own happiness :)

I would just make sure that they hear it from you directly (phone, email, in person, whatever you decide) rather than on the grapevine - to me it shows that you respect them and their life issues and value their friendship.

congratulations OP

I took a year to get pregnant with DS and two years and two losses before my current pregnancy and I would recommend a phone call or text to tell your friends first, I found it soooooo hard to be told in person. Your friends will be pleased for your but sad for themselves and the situation they are in, so be kind and give them some time to digest the news and it's not easy to do this when told in person.

Many congratulations on this pregnancy and also for being a lovely friend and being thoughtful about your friends situations x

I was worried about telling my Dsis as know she has been ttc and also felt that I was being greedy as this is my 3rd.
I told her after she'd texted to see how I was as had been quiet lately. I think it was a good way as she coyld say all the right things but also cry or scream or so whatever she felt in private too.
Have our scan tomorrow so, all being well, I can tell everyone then. I'll be texting two friends first as know they have fertility problems.
It's tricky isn't it?

Beans, first off - congratulations! How wonderful for you .

Okay, when DP's brother and his (now) wife announced their pregnancy, it was rough for me - had just had an MC two weeks previously - they phoned DP, we were in Sainsbo's, DP told me and I ran to the toilets and sobbed my heart out for about an hour. However, I was very appreciative that they told us over the phone. It allowed me my sobbing, and gave us the chance to gather ourselves together, before we saw them face to face.

I would advise telling your friend, then meeting up (if she wants). Re your friend who has 'fertility issues'. Yup, that's me, too. It has been over two years since I have last become pregnant. Personally, I'd still like to know if a friend of mine was pregnant. I might have 'fertility issues', but I am still very excited when my friends have babies. Sorry, OP, that was a lot of rambling. I do get very excited when friends of mine are pregnant though .

I had three mc's in a row over a period of time and in that time had friends and acquaintances that became pg and had their babies. I can honestly say that whilst they were all pussyfooting around me not knowing what to say it wasn't a problem for me. My sadness was at losing my babies not wanting sometbody's else's. There was obviously a sense of why me? When I miscarried but never a single bad feeling towards others lucky enough to be pg.
Ii agree with the other posters you must tell your friends yourself otherwise they really will be hurt, and they will wish you well and they will mean it xxx

Some people will prefer phone, some email, some face to face. The only golden rule is not in public in front of a bunch of other people.

Thanks everyone, appreciate the different comments and advice.

I definitely found it upsetting to hear about other PGs after our loss (I remember one time when someone told us their news in a big bunch of people and it was all I could do not to burst into tears, and I felt like everyone was looking at me and wondering what I would do, which made it even worse!). But just because that's how I felt, doesn't mean that's how my friends will feel. Thinking about what everyone has said, I will speak to my friends separately and privately about it, and I am definitely going to try and reach one of them by phone/email in advance rather than put her on the spot in front of my face, and I won't make a big deal out of it.

Thanks again.

I can second what boggler said, wasn't an issue for me. I was genuinely very happy for friends who were pg after my mc.

And good luck if you try again boggler

Thanks boys - and I meant to saw earlier sorry to everyone who has had MC and loss. It is such a desperately sad thing to experience.

Some useful advice here - it is a horrible situation because you don't want to come across in any way as pitying. We are in the early days of second pregnancy and my sil has just failed her second round of ivf and not sure how to tell her. I kind of want her to know before we tell the rest of dh's family so she can get her head round it - i know she will be really happy for us I just wish she could be pg too!

All I would suggest to anyone (having been that friend that was going through IVF when others were getting pregnant) is do it soon.. I found the longer people left it the more it hurt me.
Like you say steben don't wait to tell her when other people know and let her just have time to get her head around it.
Not sure I would have appreciated a text as many say an email preferable. Keep it short and sweet, no apologies and no pitying or 'sorry I know this will hurt you' type cliches.. as no-one that hasn't suffered infertility knows that pain.
I have always been genuinely happy for my friends / family that fell pregnant whilst I was having IVF but I did appreciate having time alone to digest it and compose myself before having to face them.
Worst one which I am sure you would never do as you are clearly kind and thoughtful and clearly considering your dilemma by posting here is people that announce - unplanned or surprise pregnancies to those going through infertility.. now that isn't a sensitive way to handle things in my opinion - but did get slated here when I tried to have a rant about it ! hey ho.

My DH and I had fertility problems and treatment and a couple of friends got pregnant or thought they might be during that time - learning about it by text or email was best as said above because it gave us space not to have to worry about reacting. In the event I found myself happy and excited for all my mates (there was only one couple I would have struggled with but that's just a personal oddity really). I was worried that people would think i was bitter (even though I wasn't) on top of everything else - so privacy also helps!

the fact you've even asked shows that you are a kind and thoughtful person.

i always thought i would prefer to be told face to face but now after 2 losses and everyone i know seemingly being pregnant i agree that a considered thoughtful text is better as i can sob my heart out alone and then pull myself together to be happy for my friends by the time i see them.

it's brutal when it's happening for everyone else but me but i am still really happy for my friends and want to share their joy.

congratulations to you!

I echo what some others have said. I told a friend we were going to try, and she let me know that they'd been trying for a little while. I realised it was going to be awkward, that I would be happy for her and that it would be hard news for her to hear from me. We decided to let each other know by text and I thought I was ok with that. When I got my positive test I then spent a week not telling her, one of my very dearest friends, partly because I wanted to wait in the hope that she would text her own good news, partly because I realised that while we chose this as the preferred way to forewarn "each other" but it was an awful position to be in, to send someone news you know will leave them conflicted. And it's been difficult, we didn't communicate much for about 4 weeks, I know she's struggling emotionally, and I have missed her and wished I could be there for her - but it isn't me she wants to be around at the moment and that's been made clear, in a friendly way. I also understand, as much as I can, I didn't always want children and decided to try and became pregnant straight away, that can't in any way seem fair to someone for whom the journey's not been straight forward. I just hope she and I can pick up again at some point. I sure didn't expect becoming pregnant to cause any rifts, but some women at work are already anticipating my maternity leave and feeling sad that I'm not going to be around, and are getting angry with me about minor things, after YEARS of really amicable friendship. Of course so many others are just lovely and supportive, but I didn't anticipate the fact that some would struggle. Sorry, thanks guys, feel like I've eased a burden a bit!

Hi everyone, just wanted to say thanks again for the advice.

I have now had conversations with both friends and neither went as badly as feared - so I think the tips you gave me and the thought I put in paid off. In fact, the conversations led to some very open and honest talking, that I think has brought us all closer.

Hopefully both friendships will stay strong. Thanks.

That's great. Am sure with your kindness and thoughtfulness in handling the situation was most appreciated and they are lucky to have such a good friend
Good luck with the pregnancy