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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Am I wrong wanting my mom & partner with me when give birth?

21 replies

eightieshopaholic · 03/03/2012 20:35

My partner has just had a major strop when said I wanted him and my mom at the birth, he said it should just be me and him and I need to choose him or her!! Help!! am I wrong?

OP posts:

RobinSparkles · 03/03/2012 20:37

Not wrong at all. You are the one giving birth and you should be able to choose.

trikken · 03/03/2012 20:37

No not at all, If you want them both have them both. in the end its you having yhe baby. I had dh mum and mil and it was lovely. Only cos I wanted them there tho. down to you I say.

DialMforMummy · 03/03/2012 20:44

I understand where he is coming from. I would never dream of having my mum there, in my view this is a very special "couple" moment and should be lived as such without the presence of any others. Maybe he wants to live this moment just with you, and not his MIL. Totally understandable me thinks.
I do think he was bit U when he said it's me or her though.
Try to negociate, maybe mum can accompany the labour but leave at the point of delivery?

DizzyKipper · 03/03/2012 20:46

I wouldn't really say it's wrong to want your mum there, although it's not something I'd personally consider. I don't really agree with mantra that I hear on these boards quite often though where 'it's you giving birth so you get to decide'. I think the man's wishes should be considered as well, after all it is his baby and this is just as big a day for him even if he is restricted in how much of a part he can physically play. Ideally it should be a mutual decision in which you've listened to one another and have been able to respect and consider one another's wishes. It doesn't sound like he's communicating his feelings about this very well, which of course does not help, and trying to give ultimatums is just not on. I hope you can both be able to talk about this and reach a decision together.

StarlightDicKenzie · 03/03/2012 20:46

I had my mum, my partner and my Doula!

It was a right ole party.

trikken · 03/03/2012 20:53

I do see your point DizzyKipper but it can be very painful and I found that mum could help soothe me and keep me calm in a way dh just didn't know how, cos she's my mum. plus having another there meant he didnt feel guilty if he had to pop for a wee and could go for food.

pingdriver · 03/03/2012 21:24

I'm with dizzykipper on this although his attitude has not helped here. It is a very personal time for you both and mums are not always conducive to this - I do know of people who have had mums there and they have either been of the (its not that painful, stop making such a fuss) or the (I'm better at supporting my daughter so push off DH approach). I would try and explore his feelings around this and accomodate if you feel able to.

If he is insistant then, as part of agreement, he needs to be fully aware of his role and you discussing how he can properly support you. My DH spoke to a few of his good friends beforehand and we made a plan together!

LittleWhiteWolf · 03/03/2012 21:27

Hmm, not wrong. Its your opinion of what you want. His opinion is that he wants to keep it just you two, before you become you three and that's not wrong either. Could he be worried that he'll be shut out if your mum is there?

Its a tricky one as I personally couldn't imagine having anyone else there but DH. Neither of us knew how we would be or cope having never been through the experience of labour before, but he was a total star. My mum being there would probably have stressed me out (as much as I love her) and might have meant that DH missed out on the experience he got from having his first baby.

Obviously its up to you and your partner what you do; his reaction was a bit strong, but perhaps you caught him off guard by telling him what would happen. A discussion where you can both put your POVs across would be helpful here.

miaboo · 03/03/2012 22:01

I had my mum and husband their for the birth of my first son and he was fine about it, they were both brilliant, when pregnant with my 2nd my husband said could it just be him and that was fine to, when actually in labour though and at hospital he asked me if I wanted my mum their!! I said yes so she witnessed/helped us again, now pregnant with number 3 and who knows this time!! :)

ItsMyLastOne · 03/03/2012 22:42

I hadn't planned on having anyone but my partner at the birth but after 2 days in labour my DP was even too exhausted to drive so my mum took us and stayed with us for the following 24 hours or so. In the end DP was glad she was there as it meant he was able to get some fresh air and get food without leaving me alone. It also meant that a couple of hours after DD was born he could go home and get sleep while my mum got me settled into the ward.

I would imagine DP would never have wanted her there (although he would have always gone with my decision) but it worked out for the best her being there.

You need to talk to him about why you want her there, how it will benefit him in that he can have a breather if need be, etc. And she's likely to have more experience in this department than him so may be able to offer support, wise words, helpful advice etc to both of you. Maybe you could agree that she's not there the whole time, just during certain parts when you think she's most needed?

thatboysmum · 03/03/2012 22:55

Why is he against the idea? Does he feel he may be pushed out by your mum if she is there? I had my mum and DP with me with DS 1 but my mum is very understanding and considerate. She knew when to take a step back or take over, I think me and my DP were both grateful that she was there, especially as it ended up being a very long and traumatic experience, my mum just knows what to do. I am now pregnant with DC 2 and again plan to have both DP and my mum with me. Before completely deciding one way or another, maybe have a talk about reasons why and see if you can compromise?

YuleingFanjo · 03/03/2012 22:58

I wuldn't have wanted my mum and after 4 days I am pretty sure she would have hated being there. How would you feel if he wanted his mum there?

themildmanneredjanitor · 03/03/2012 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItWasThePenguins · 03/03/2012 23:14

Well i always thought i would never want my mum there, we never got on well. But when my waters broke Dh called her and in the end i was glad she was there- to keep Dh calm and let me get on with it!
You won't know until it's happening what you really want, but you do need to set some ground rules for either scenario.

Perhaps agree that she will be with you whilst at home, and stay in the waiting room in the hospital in case you need her, but generally out of the way?

Nearlycooked · 04/03/2012 00:20

If you needed your car fixing would you ask a car mechanic or a total novice to do the job? I think you will probably appreciate someone being there who has had previous experience - your choice might not be your mum but I think your Dp should not underestimate the support such a person would give to both of you.

TheSecondComing · 04/03/2012 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boomerwang · 04/03/2012 03:07

I want both my mum and my bf there. My mum would be just as nervous as both of us but she'd calm us both down at the same time. She can wind me up big time but ultimately I always feel safe when my parents are near.

Luckily my bf is very happy with this arrangement, although whether it'll happen or not will depend how fast my parents can get a flight to Sweden after I tell them I'm in labour!

If I absolutely had to choose, I'd take my bf over my mother because it's his baby too and I want to share that time with him.

Would your mother understand if you told her it was to be just your dp present at the birth? If so then go with that for all your sakes.

confuzed90 · 04/03/2012 08:17

I'm having my mum and my partner, I am pregnant 32+4 with DS2 and with DS1 my partner wasn't able to be there, so I had my mum and my sister. It really helped having two people, wasn't a moment I was left alone and I found my mum reallu helped with making me feel more relaxed. She new what to do with the flannel and kept it cold and againt my head, she helped me in and out the bath when I had him, partner might find that a bit erm hard as the bath was FULL of blood and all the floor. She really helped, yet this time my partner will be there but so will my mum, he would have no idea how to make me feel more relaxed and what to do, like with flannel and my back and things like that. With my mum experienced it herself, she knows what would feel best for me. But that is MY opinion. Its completely your choice who you want but your partner needs to understand that.

Happenstance · 04/03/2012 08:26

Well after 30 odd hours my DP was so tired he was nearly in tears, i had a long and horrible labour and DP, i felt needed the support of my best friend and i was glad i had both there, it's just Dp and i this time but we will be ok we're old hands now, i think in the end you OH may appriciate someone who's done it before being there.

justhayley · 04/03/2012 09:25

I want my mum DP and my nan there - they are the 3 closest people in the world to me & are all quite different so will help in different ways. My mum will be brilliant when I'm giving up & feeling sorry for myself, my nan is a softy so will be great at the sympathy & my DP well not sure but I'm sure he'l be useful somehow lol. We had a disagreement last week as he thought if my mum was going to be there then his should as well!!! (who by the way I don't at all get on with). I think as much as it's his baby and big day as well, we are going through the hardest thing we ever will & need the people around us that put us at ease - and if that includes ur local window cleaner and butcher then so be it! Maybe once the baby is born ask ur mum to leave for a bit so u can have some just you him & baby time!

Suze77 · 04/03/2012 11:39

I'm with those who say it's you giving birth so it's up to you who's there.

With dc1 I had a home waterbirth with an independent midwive. Dh was in the pool with me. The midwife, my mom, my sister, and my two dogs (yep!) sat round the edge of the pool. It was an amazing experience and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I remember reading somewhere that the presence of other women at the birth reduces complications etc. I can't remember where I saw that now, but I know it made it so much more rleaxing for me and was a very empowering experience. My sister and I have never been close, and didn't get on for most of our lives; we hadn't planned for her to be there, but it just sort of worked out that way and I'm very glad it did. I remember her awed gasp when DD's head was born... I am so glad there were so many people there to welcome dd into the world and I wouldn't change it for anything.

(Though I did hemorrhage after and was ill for a long time, which was horrible. Labour and birth were amazing. But dd1 was born covered in meconium, and the afterbirth stage was bad for me, thus I regretfully accepted the need for a hospital birth with dc2).

The important thing is for you to feel as safe, relaxed, and in control, as possible - if having your mum there is a way to achieve that, then your dh ought to support you in that.

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