My postnatal plan - any good?

[ladyfoucault]

Hi. This might be in the wrong category but wasn't quite sure where to put it. I am planning what should happen once back at home, after birth. This is our first child. Our families live far away so we will need to make more formal arrangements for immediate support. Plan is at the moment for my partner to be at home for two weeks after the birth and not to have family visit during this time. When he goes back to work I would like to ask family to come for a week or two. In the two weeks after birth, would a postnatal doula be helpful, for a few hours a day, or does a couple normally cope well? If we can't get family to come when my partner goes back to work I will definitely look for a pn doula for a few weeks. When can I expect to be confident / happy enough to not be needing any more support? It is a bit difficult with no immediate family around but I am expecting it will be knackering without support so want to have watertight plans. Thanks!

Best bit of advice I can give is there is very little point in making plans. Babies don't tend to go with your schedule I'm afraid. No visitors is a good thing imo. Don't know about a doula- what do they actually do? Not sure why you would need an extra person when your dp is there to help but I guess that's a personal decision. It will be knackering with support too btw :o

I never had anyone come and with my first I was a single parent so did it all. Maybe that experience toughened me because I've never needed or wanted anyone else here when I have a newborn.

When I was pregnant with my first, my dad told me this story;

when my parents had their first child (my brother) my mum arranged for my nan to come to the house every day to take care of the household chores, whilst my mum looked after the baby. On the first day of this arrangement, my dad arrived home from work to find my mother crying over a sink full of pots, whilst my nan was sat cuddling the baby on the sofa... Where she had apparently been all day long Needless to say that arrangement came to a sudden end, and my mum just did it on her own as it was easier!

I took my fathers 'warning' and spent the first few weeks on my own with the baby, after my DH went back to work after 3 days. TBH it was probably easier this way as having anyone else would've just been an inconvenience.

It is such a personal decision.

I didn't have anyone to stay or help other than my husband, but then I am not used to having my family help me out - we are not particularly close.

How close are you to your parents and in-laws? How helpful will they be? Do you usually need help with challenging things, or are you better off doing it your own way? Think carefully about all the personalities involved.

Having a baby is different for everyone, and every baby is different. With my first I found it really hard for the first 8 weeks. My parents did come "to visit the baby" after a few weeks, but to be honest it just made more work for me, and meant I had to do my weeping in secret in my bedroom instead of wailing on the sofa in front of the telly with a cuppa and a packet of hobnobs and my boobs out. With my second I barely broke my stride and was up and about doing everything as normal after 4 days, and I remember it as such a happy time in our lives. I even threw a sunday daytime party when he was a fortnight old.

Would it be better to pay for a cleaner? Iassume the chores are the things you would want to delegate, and looking after baby would be what you'd want to spend your time doing?

Throw all plans out the window as babies do not go according to plan. Also just wondering why you think you won't cope when your husband goes back to work. If you dont care about showering first thing or having a pristine kitchen, beds made and dinner on the table when hubby gets home then I personally don't think you need any help. Just hang with your baby and enjoy. Normality (as much as having a baby allows) does return and you will relish that you have done it all on your own as I believe all of us can if we just believe in ourselves and are given the chance. I did it all on my own (no family around) and I am proud of myself - I have friends with children who are 5 & 3 who still struggle to cope because they have always had help. But I would get a cleaner once a week - that is worth its weight in gold! Congrats and good luck.

I have to say that I found the first two weeks after DS' birth relatively easy because there were two adults to one baby - a good ratio! I sat around and breastfed, DH sorted food (from stocked freezer) and drinks for me, burped baby and took him for walks in the pushchair when I needed a nap etc. And although I was often tired, because neither of us were working, we didn't need to make sure we were awake during the day, so we tended to almost sleep in shifts.

I found the most challenging weeks 3-6ish because it was just me again. My Mum was working part time then and used to come up on a Wednesday to help me, doing washing, cleaning and tidying and keeping the house ticking over and obviously DH was there at the weekend to support too. That was great because it meant that I just had to 'cope' for two days and I organised a thing to do each day - usually seeing someone from my antenatal group or a mum group - to keep my sanity! By the time he was about 2 months old I had a routine sorted and felt must more confident that neither of us was going to break.

I think that the sort of help that is really useful could come from a p-n doula, relative or friend, but you need to be clear on what you need from them. I would suggest - food shopping, babysitting for your naps, bringing food, making drinks if just visiting, holding baby so you can just sort out something that's been bugging you, cleaning (I love my cleaner). Who exactly is best to do this for you would depend on your relationship with your friends/relatives etc.

I agree with karatekimmi, if you're going to get someone in, make it a cleaner or a mother's help who will clean, cook etc. You'll want to look after the baby yourself but the household stuff will be a burden. Someone else to do that would be a great help. Perhaps start with a cleaner before you have baby, coming in once a week maybe for a good clean.

It is hard but you'll do honestly, we all have. one tip, try and stagger your visitors as you'll be sick of the sight of people before long! Paid help comes and goes without interfering (not that I had this and I'm very grateful to my mother - but relatives come with opinions and well meant advice).

Thank you all for your replies. I have thought about cleaners in the past when I was stressed and overworked (from my job) but have always felt it was too indulgent and a luxury. We only have a small flat but I guess if I don't do any housework for a week then a cleaner will have their work cut out, small flat or not. Perhaps I get in touch with one of the local agencies to discuss my requirements and try one out before the arrival of the baby - that's a good idea. I am not sure how it is going to work out with family. I find spending time with family can be stressful at the best of times so maybe I shouldn't be relying on them to stay whole weeks with me. I like the sound of a postnatal doula, for a few hours a day at least initially. Thanks.