what did dp do for u when....

[confuzed90]

Well basically, just wondering what and how everyones partner was with them when they where pregnant...and already has a toddler. How did he treat you and support?

I don't have a toddler....but I do have 3 other children and am expecting #4.
Its been 9 years since our last and I can't remember DH ever being so attentive.

He has taken over all the shopping, some cooking and the morning routine (still not good in the morning due to sickness) he came home from work this lunchtime to make me lettuce and salad cream sandwiches
My most fav thing though is falling asleep on the sofa at 8pm and being put to bed like a toddler, tucked in and kissed on the forehead

I really hope the novelty doesn't wear off and he continues being this nice!

I'm just wondering as my partner seems to do VERY LITTLE. The fact your partner tucks you up in bed when fallen asleep on sofa made my eyes water! That is so sweet! My DP isn't helping out at all, and I'm 31 weeks pregnant, been to college all day, he's been in bed as was on nights, he's not at work tonight though, he was in bed till about 1 and then been laid in bed eating and watching films and playing his xbox, I've come home to a mess. Pots everywhere, coal fire gone out because he couldn't be bothered to get coal. Saying he's poorly (we have the same cold, same cough and same sore throat) I'm struggling to pick DS up as he's nearly 3 and is heavy,he wouldn't even lift him in and out the bath for me.its not just today though..the whole pregnancy he's not helped. Doesn't do washing, doesn't cook dinner, not even for DS. Fair enough he works 8 hours a day 5x a week. On shifts, so I don't mind but I am really exhausted and worn out but he doesn't listen, I was in hospital last week from bleeding for doing to much and not enough rest.he didn't even come with me. I'm feeling so unloved and cared for..I've tried talking to him, won't listen, when I cry I get told I'm being stupid.he says I'm old enough to care for myself which fair enough I am, 21, but surely we still need that bit of help and support??

this guy is being very sucky. i am 37 and i need help with getting everything. i am so fed up with hearing about crappy men on this site. when are they going to stop being so bloody selfish? my advise is down tools. let him get his own dinner, clean etc. he is probably so used to you stepping up he thinks its your job. well bugger that. so what he works, so does my husband but he still needs to help out. he is being a selfish pig. tell him that and refuse to do anything else. as oprah once said 'you need to train people in how you want to be treated, and not just expect them to know' men respond to actions and not words....the wisest thing i ever heard. can you go and stay elsewhere (mums) for a while? maybe the shock of you not being around will make him realise your not a door mat. why would he change his ways? at the moment he has no consequences to his crappy actions. good luck my love. fight the fight :)

I'm pregnant with a toddler 35 weeks now, DP is wonderful, he works till 5.30pm comes in and takes over, i make her tea and she is usually finishing up when he comes in, he than plays with her till 6 gives her a bath and puts her to bed, so i can have a lie down, he then cooks tea,

i wash up because he takes an age but i'm not allowed near the hoover at all, and he gets up early to get DD out of her cot for me, he doesn't want me lifting, he also follows me upstairs because i feint a bit sometimes in the evening, and theres always a bath ready for me when i come in from work.

but i consider myself bloody lucky, and he has his faults as much as anyone, he's not very tidy, and you have to nag till the cows come home for any DIY doing, and he's impulsive with money which is not very me at all. but he is a fantastic DP and father, i'm not letting him out of my sight.

Thank you..they sound like wise words..well when I was in hospital last week..I got back to sink full of pots, washing to do the size of a mount hill! And he fed DS microwaveable noodles and sandwiches :/ and he himself was complaining about feeling sick because not having any dinners. I've tried strike before..all he said is I can live in more of a mess for longer then u, which was true as after a week I gave in and did a weeks worth of tidying..not good x

just read your post tell him to grow a pair and help or you will as keely said stop doing things for him he is in his own words "old enough to care for himself".

say fair enough. temp move to parents to make your point, a week will do it. he will come around. trust me i have done it in the past and its the only thing that works. he knows he has you over a barrel will cleaning and food etc. if you cant stay with someone else then only look after yourself. ie make yourself dinner and leave him out. wash up your one plate etc. if he is going to play silly buggers so must you. why are you putting up with this? is you give in now he will do this forever.

Has he always been like this?

Is he a good father to your DS?

You are young. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man?

confused I honestly find your story shocking, makes me so angry for you. I know it's easy to say why do you put up with it, but why do you? I hope the advantages of staying with him outweigh what you've posted here... it sounds like he takes a lot for granted and needs a good wake up call!

The thing is, I stay with him because he is such an amazing dad, DS loves him to bits, would be heartbroken if he left. And I don't feel strong enough to be on my own, he's told me already he would go for full custody of the kids. He does take me for granted, he has been like this for about 3 and a half years, been together 4 years. And since I got pregnant with DS he has been a different person. I am unhappy, but when we have good days then their great. I do love him, but I'm not sure its in the way I should but I feel like I have to stay with him. I know people will say to leave him and break up but it really isn't that simple for me.he makes me feel bad though, tells me that I'm the one who causes problems, he's never been supportive really though, wasn't there for DS birth, went on a 'course' to france with no friends going just some stranger, I then saw photos of him getting drunk with friends in clubs, he didn't phone me till DS was 2 days old to check on us or meet him till he was 9 days old, he went knowing hed miss his birth.this was a while ago however but it shows I've never had the true support.as for the photos which I saw on facebook...he got his friends to delete me as a friend so I couldn't see them again and told me my eyes where lying to me! he promised me he would change and really help out with the house and that in this pregnancy, and show care and love for the baby. As I wasn't sure about keeping him, due to circumstances, but I'm very glad I have but he hasn't lived up to what he said.

Oh Hun, this child man is no good, he isn't a good dad, and threatening you with going for full custody is emotionally Abusive. You would do do much better to get rid, I know it's harder to actually do it though. Do you have any family support?

Oh OP, I'm sorry but he sounds like such a dick. I've been a bit fed up with my DH's apparent lack of interest since I found out I was PG yesterday!! but actually I know it's just that he's cautious and not particularly excitable. However, he is fabulous with DD (2) and does his share around the house.

How old is your DP, if you don't mind me asking? He sounds very immature and to be honest, I doubt he'd even get off his arse to fight for custody. Doe he have any redeeming qualities?

If I was you I would not move out myself but I would just do things for me and my son. i.e not partners washing cooking and cleaning then when he complains as he invariably will tell him it swings both ways and that he has to work in this partnership just as hard as he works in his job. If at this point he refuses kick him out you would be much better off not having to look after him too. The house at least would be tidy how you left it when you came back.

Oh, things aren't great are they?

You say that he's an amazing dad. He might well be fun for your son to play with but I don't think that alone is enough to qualify him as an amazing dad.

You left him with your son alone for a week and came home to find that he hadn't fed your son proper meals and didn't keep on top of basic chores. When his heavily pregnant partner needed help, he wouldn't even lift him out of the bath. He didn't care about being at the birth of his son. A dad has to be responsible as well as fun. He isn't acting like a dad, he's acting like your son's brother. I don't think he'd have a great shot at full custody but I'm no lawyer.

The point isn't about whether he's a good dad or not anyway. He would still be a father if you were seperated. The point is whether or not he's a good partner. You need to decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this man, and if not, then how long you want to waste your time with him.

Another angle you need to give some consideration to is whether you want your children growing up seeing him treat you like this? I wouldn't want my sons to think that mum's job (and therefore women in general) is to clean up after men who don't help and get to sit around having fun. I don't know if you know the sex of you next baby, but I also wouldn't want my daughters to think that women have to put up with this sort of behaviour either. Relationships should be partnerships and I'd want my children to know that.

I realise that breaking up a relationship that isn't working isn't an easy thing to do and you'll know his good points too. But please, whether you do it by chucking him out or by putting your foot down, please don't let him continue to treat you like this, it's not good for you or your children.

I'm particuarly concerned about his lack of care about you having a bleed because you've had to do too much. He doesn't seem to care about his baby's safety or your health. Please take care of yourself and your babies.

Do you have family or friends that could come and help you with the housework and your son? You need a break.

OP please listen to some of the points raised above. SpiritedWolf speaks a lot of sense. Going by what you have said he is not an amazing dad or an amazing partner and to try to scare you by saying he would go after full custody of the kids is emotional abuse as has been pointed out. Is he named on your childs birth certificate? Does he actually legally have parental responsibility for your existing dc? I would certainly think very carefully about giving him PR of the new baby when it arrives. You deserve more than this. You deserve someone who treats you as an equal and sends that example to their children. Good luck whatever you decide to do in the long run, but please do think very carefully.

He is 21, same age as me. Thankyou all for your responses. They are really making a lot of sense to me, I'm having another boy, and as you mention that my boys will see how he treats me and copy, my DS has started showing similar actions towards me, if that possible? Shouts at me and that? Things are so hard...its so difficult to change how things have been for so long and how I'm used to living to completely different. Anyone know how to make the sofa/floor comfy? Don't want to go to bed with him...argument...resulted in him putting all the blame on how horrible I am. Thinking sofa/floor not comfyest option at 31 weeks? X

He is 21, same age as me. Thankyou all for your responses. They are really making a lot of sense to me, I'm having another boy, and as you mention that my boys will see how he treats me and copy, my DS has started showing similar actions towards me, if that possible? Shouts at me and that? Things are so hard...its so difficult to change how things have been for so long and how I'm used to living to completely different. Anyone know how to make the sofa/floor comfy? Don't want to go to bed with him...argument...resulted in him putting all the blame on how horrible I am. Thinking sofa/floor not comfyest option at 31 weeks? X

I appreciate how hard change must look but really, you do not deserve to be treated like this. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you.
Do you have any friends/ family for support nearby?

No my family seem to think the sun shines out his arse! My mum is constantly putting me down and telling me I shudnt be giving him a hard time and he works so I should have good meals prepared for him and his baths run in. My dad is VERY old fashioned and also thinks the sun shines out his arse..he's desperate for us to get married as we have kids together and I know he will be VERY dissapointed in me if I broke up with him. Hed class it as being in a broken family. A failure. I have no support off anyone.

Gosh how hard for you. In my personal opinion either he needs to change and grow up an accept responsibility for his situation or you need to make plans to remove yourself and your kid(s) from this situation for good. It may well upset your parents but at the end of the day its you that has to live with it and its already affecting your health and your ds's behaviour. You might get some very good advice if you repost in the relationships board as well? Does he have parental responsibility for your ds?

Crikey! My DP is thinking of leaving me, but isn't half so bad as yours. I have SPD so he is in charge of shopping and hoovering (not done in 3 weeks, but not my job) and due to the possible split we've split childcare more fairly so he puts DDs to bed 3 nights a week and has a full weekend day which I use to rest.
Can you arrange to sit down and have a proper talk with him. Outline why you're unhappy and what the consequences will be - split, stress affecting the baby. Explain that it isn't fair for you to do all the childcare and housework on top of your college work and being pregnant. Maybe list all the jobs you do and ask him which ones he can help with. What's he good at?
Being all gushy and stroking your tummy etc may not be his thing, but he needs to start pulling his weight. How lovely to just work 8 hours a day 5 days a week and the rest of the time off!
Do not sleep on the floor/couch. If anyone moves out of bed it should be him.

Working 40 hours a week doesn't mean he does nothing when he's clocked off from work.

Ask him when you clock off. Or when your day off is.

At the end of the day you are a family. Families support and help each other. He is not supporting or helping you. Don't put up with it or things will never change. He needs to act like the adult he's supposed to be and start acting like a role model for your son.

Makes me so cross to hear about men behaving like this. What would his mother say to him? Does she know he's like this?

How will you feel if your son grows up and mirrors this behaviour? Children will be like their parents.

He needs to grow up and treat you with the care, attention, love and respect his partner and mother to his kids' deserve!

I feel for you, your so young and shouldn't be putting up with his lazy inconsiderate ass! Have you got any male friends or family members that could come & stay with you for a week? Tell your "partner" how important it is for you to rest right now especially after the bleed - is everything ok with that now?
Having a male in the house will humiliate him into growing a pair & should show him other men do help out in the house. Your not trying to make him jealous - a brother or cousin etc could work just as well, or maybe go for the jugular & ask his mum - although then it kind of re enforcers that it's a women's job hence why I said get a man in! Men are territorial and competitive, there's not many that will be happy to look like a bum in their own home!
maybe you could get a midwife to talk to him about the importance of you resting?

Easier said than done to get out the relationship Especially at 31 weeks pregnant, but you dont need to have this life, there are many men out there who would treat you like a princess & really look after your babies.

When u need him to do stuff how do u approach him? I find moaning doesn't get me anywhere - if I turn on the tears however & be all soft and vulnerable I get a new man - may be worth a try!

also how would u feel about sending your DP to stay with his grandparents for a few days so u could get some rest at home? If he's such a wonderful dad I'm sure he would hate this idea it might make him realise your at the end!

Things are only going to get harder when baby number 2 arrives, you need to ACT now and shock him into changing and being a grown up not just moan to him. He doesn't seem like he's ready for the responsibilities of being in an adult relationship or being a father, but he choose to be in one so can't carry on like his 21 year old friends - your not getting to!

always come on the forum and vent your frustrations, we may not be able to come and help with the washing up but sometimes it helps just getting it all out

Hope your ok an didn't end up sleeping on the floor

Take care

Hayley xxx

Thankyou all for your advice and support...the bleeding has stopped yes. N as for pains, doctor thinks its SPD and has recommended I try acupuncture n take paracetamol as allergic to codiene. Anyway he does have parental responsibility of the kids, I would always let him see them and have them when he wants. DS loves him to bits. Ok I managed to sleep on sofa till half 1, then I had to go to bed as I said previously neither of us are well at the moment, bunged up with cold / cough. So I woke up at half one with a raging temperature and felt so sick and ill. My hips and back was in agony! Anyway..going to go out later as a family and take DS to ducks and the park. Then I think we're getting a baby sitter and going out, this is when I am gonna say everything, make the point and give him an ultimatum, thinking what's best as he doesn't like confrontation n talking. A letter maybe? I am at hairdressers today which will be nice to have a little pampering. Get it done about twice a year! No doubt he'll text me complaining about how long I'm being, he always does when he's 'babysitting'

Arrrggghhh!!!

He doesn't "babysit" his own children. They are his - and his responsibility. You should take as long as you like - the whole day if necessary!