Anyone else's partner seem uninterested?

[Boomerwang]

My boyfriend was happy when I got pregnant, came to both scans and brings me to every midwife appointment and group meeting. He's got ideas for the house and where to put baby things and he's started sketching the baby's name on random bits of paper.

He sounds quite attentive doesn't he?

So how come when I talk about my fears or plans or share a bit of random baby information he seems completely uninterested? It seems I have to catch him at a moment when HE is talking about the baby if I want to get his opinion on the subject.

I'm alone all day while he works and I have nobody to talk to, so it's not as though it's all I ever go on about. When he comes home I let him do what he wants as he's been working hard all day and I don't want to jump down his neck the moment he walks in the door. I'm struggling to get my head round the fact the baby is here in two months and we haven't got everything sorted out yet but he seems to put everything off, despite his grand ideas.

I have tried asking about it, but he doesn't seem to know what to tell me. He said 'it's not the same for me as it is for you. You can feel the changes but I feel exactly the same'

Surely he can SEE my bump, and knows the date I'm due... doesn't that mean that after all the months of hardly even mentioning the baby it's not unreasonable for me to start muttering about a few things now and then?

You're not being unreasonable at all, but if it helps my DP was exactly the same all through 1st pg, but has been a wonderful dad and besotted with DD for 3 yrs now. I'm now 16 wks with second one and again he's not overly interested. He's good at the practical stuff like yours but not chatting about pregnancy or babies in general. I think he finds that bit quite boring really, but in fairness I used to find it all quite boring before I experienced pregnancy! :-) He sounds like a good guy who's trying his best to me so I wouldn't worry. Although, you are pg and therefore well within your rights to have a hissy fit about it whenever you want ha ha

My dh wasn't very interested in my pregnancies either, but he has been a fantastic dad to dd who is six. I am now 24 weeks and really don't think I have been going on about it at all, but again, he doesn't seem to appreciate everything i am going through. It is strange though, he was the one who wanted a second child!

I think it is - annoyingly, sadly - quite normal for a lot of men to act like this. My DP was pretty much like this for a lot of my pg. He's actually summed it up pretty well himself: for us women, we live with the pg and the baby 24 hours a day from the moment it is conceived, and especially once the baby starts moving, but for men it really can seem all very abstract. What you said about only being able to talk about the baby once he has brought it up is EXACTLY what things were like with my DP! And he did the whole 'putting it off' trick as well - even the week before the baby was born he wasn't really paying any attention when I showed him how to work the sterilizer etc, I had to show him again once DD was here

However, of course you are not being unreasonable, hun. This baby is the most exciting thing that has ever happened! Have you tried explaining it to him exactly how you have just explained it to us? Let him know how much you need to talk about the baby and your plans for it, and that you know when he has been at work all day you understand it might be overwhelming to hear 'baby baby baby baby' the moment he comes home, but you also need some interaction too? At about 32w I sat DP down and told him, as calmly as I could (though I really wanted to scream at him!) that I needed him to pay some more attention to the coming baby, and to do some reading, come to at least one NCT class, anything really, because while pg might only be happening to me, the baby was going to happen to both of us and he needed to know what to do. We managed to have a sensible conversation about it and he did pay a little more attention after then...

If it helps at all, for all that my DP didn't seem too involved at all while I was pg he fell in love with DD the moment he laid eyes on her and is an absolutely wonderful dad who is devoted to her. Someone said on another thread that for women, the baby is real the moment she becomes pregnant, but for a man the baby is real once it is born. As intensely annoying as that is for you at the moment, I think that is very true. (In fact, I've just asked DP that very question while I'm typing this and he has agreed at once!!)

My OH was a bit like this for a while - quite interested in the times he brought it up, but whenever I talked about it I felt like he was listening politely until I stopped :)

What changed... well, I'm fecking massive now (28w with twins) and we've been to the hospital antenatal classes - that was really good because the MW was like, you need the bag packed and the nursery ready by 28 weeks (as twins are more likely to be premature). So that really focused his mind.

I've tried to just propose something we need to do every weekend and we've been getting on with it in that way - some of the stuff I've deliberately drawn back on so he can get on with it, like getting the car seats (and, depressingly, switching cars from an Alfa to a Volvo estate).

I think it's true that it's harder to get excited about it when it's not you. What's bothering you most - do you think you're not going to be ready in time, or do you mainly want to have someone to share the excitement with? If it's the first then maybe try and prioritise the stuff that's going to be hard to do with a small one in the house (if it's small stuff like buying clothes, you can turn the tables a bit by getting the minimum now and then letting him do the Mothercare run while you're in the hospital once the wee one has puked over his/her entire wardrobe in a day like everyone says they do). If it's about sharing... I really think it'll go better if you try and let him come to you. I don't know about you but I've been like a kid waiting for Christmas in my pg - you know the way kids start looking forward to Christmas about 3 weeks into August? That's me. If I were you I'd try and find stuff to do in the day - get out and meet friends if you can - to take your mind off the baby stuff and give you something else to chat about when your bf gets home.*

*I should totally take a dose of my own medicine. Aside from thinking/talking about baby stuff all I ever do is work and try to sleep.

Thanks for your advice guys, I'm glad I'm not the only one. He is wonderful in every other way (otherwise I'd have never let myself get pregnant) and I know he'll be a fantastic dad, I just feel rather lonely. I live in Sweden so there's nobody I know, and I also live out in the sticks so I can't just wander around town and hope to meet someone. My mum is my saviour, she calls me on skype almost every day and I chat her head off.

I guess I am just a bit miserable at the moment. It doesn't help that I'm fed up with being pregnant right now and I just want to get it over with (altho I know the minute it is I'll be wishing I hadn't hurried it up in my mind!)

Again, thanks loads for your long replies, they ARE a big help to me. I've just convinced him to take me out. Even though we're broke I need to have a walk around somewhere with windows to look into!

Ah that is tough - be easier once the wee one comes along though, I think children are the best device for settling in to a new place!

I love my DH more than life itself but he hasn't wanted to talk too much about the baby at all as he is very superstitious and is worried about jinxing things.

My tip - and something that he will chat to me about - is to send him your weekly Baby Centre (or alternative) email that tells him how the baby is growing and how your body is changing. They do it so much better than I ever could!

I think for some men it really won't feel real until the little thing is in their arms. Don't worry - he'll come round :)

As for getting "stuff" done - I wrote a list. Well three lists! It included stuff that I needed to do so it looks like a joint venture (although I didn't need a list to prompt me to go shopping for baby clothes!) but it included some key stuff around the house that needed doing and had been put off due to him being very busy with work. Having a list on paper, and getting to cross stuff off the list has proved very satisfying.

What Bella and the others said!

Have had 3 DCs and I've had the feeling with all of them that he wasn't taking it seriously. Even when I pointed out that both previous babies had arrived at 38 weeks, he wasn't prepared when DC3 arrived 2 weeks early!

I think as many have said, we live with the changes in our body and the 'reality' of pregnancy, but until there is a real life baby here, your DP will still be slightly in denial about it.

Thinking back, even I was amazed that one day I had a huge tummy and the next day there was a whole new person in the house, so I suppose its not surprising that's a hard thing for him to comprehend too.

My DP is really good he has been very attentive and involved in things. It must be hard for men as we are aware of every bump and wriggle that our LO do. xx

Mine is like that. He is a very attentive and loving partner normally.

Had first scan and he came but didnt seem excited by what he saw, we talk about it quite often but its me who starts the conversation, he inputs here and there. To be honest it really pisses me off because I feel as though he was all fine and dandy with the trying part.. but now its a reality he seems about as interested as a banana.

He promises me he is happy and excited so I guess I just have to accept what he is saying and try get over it but it has put a bit of a dampner on it for me. Luckily all my family are so excited I get enough from their enthusiasm.

Not what I thought it would be for the two of us at all...