Bereavement in pregnancy

[Gingersnap88]

My grandmother passed away yesterday, am 37 weeks and trying very hard not to fall to pieces. I'm worried (probably stupidly) that I'll flood baby with stress hormones etc :(

It's just me and my mum left on her side, she's obviously devastated and I feel that I need to help her as much as possible with all of the arrangements etc, it's just hard as I'm so big / tired / aarrgghh!

Anyone got any tips or advice if they've been through something similar? Feel strangely like its a life for a life, and sad that she so so nearly got to meet her great grandchild.

I'm sorry I haven't been in a similar situation so no words of wisdom, just wanted to express my sympathy and say that I think you should allow yourself to grieve.

Very sorry to hear about your grandmother. At this stage in your pregnancy your baby is probably going to be fine, despite your stress hormones - so long as you're not taking any liquorice (which you shouldn't anyway when pregnant).

I lost my mum when I was 19w pg - it was very hard to deal with as it was at quite short notice - copious amounts of Rescue remedy helped (well actually it was this stuff, it's more potent and contains no alcohol - helped my Dad too even though he didn't believe in it at all)

I also found that if I was getting upset, a red wine spritzer (with sparkling mineral water, not soda) helped to bring me down again - and even though it was alcohol and therefore not really recommended in pregnancy, I thought half a glass of wine some days would be better than the stress hormones.

DS is now 4 and has shown no signs of being adversely affected by either thing - he's one of the sunniest-natured children (not just me, honestly, other people have said so too) so I guess I was lucky.

Think about the positive things re. your grandmother rather than focusing on your sadness - I know it's very tough for you and your mum just now, but lean on people who want to help, ask for help when you need it, make sure you rest as much as you need to and get your Mum to do the same.

(((hugs))) for you - your baby will be ok, honestly.

I'm very sorry for your loss :( my grandad died last week and it was his funeral yesterday, so I was wondering kind of the same thing.

It's only 7 months since I lost my Dad, so it's all very sad and stressful. My MW wasn't interested when I told her either! :(

I don't really have any advice, but hope you have some good friends around you for support xx

Poppy, that's sad - what a miserable MW!

I have just remembered - a couple of days after my Mum died, I hadn't felt DS move for a bit so I had an emergency dash to the Mat Unit, when I told them what I was there for, they rushed me in as soon as they had a gap (about 10 minutes) and ran the doppler over to pick up a heartbeat - which, thank goodness, was nice and strong. Phew!

A bit of crying is good, for stress relief - but try to avoid any paroxysms of grief if you can.

I'm so, so sorry about your grandmother. Mine died when I was 9 weeks pregnant with DD, which is apparently the embryo's most critical period of sensitivity to most things. Being pregnant makes it hard, really hard.

In terms of tips - really, I agree with Thumbwitch, whatever keeps you calm. For me, that has always been slow warm baths, gentle reading and a several million cups of herbal tea a day.

I'm sorry.

Interestingly(ish) - the period around 20weeks is pretty critical for tooth development. My best friend's horse died (she'd had her 27 years, it was terrible for her) when she was 20w pg - and her DS's tooth enamel has been damaged because of the stress and upset it caused her. He has poor enamelation of his teeth (grey patches) and there is nothing that can be done about it now, except maybe use veneers on his adult teeth when they're through properly. The dentist said this was due to her extreme distress when her horse died.

I feel almost guilty that I lost my mum at the same point in pg but DS's teeth are fine - isn't that silly?

So sorry for your losses everyone, I know how you all feel, my Mum died in October from cancer after only being diagnosed in September when I was 12 weeks pregnant. It has been an awful rollercoaster of emotions and stress, I hope my baby will be ok. It is very sad thinking about her never meeting my first baby or being there to pass on her wisdom, she was so excited when she found out I was pregnant :( I know what you mean by a life for a life, it really does feel like that is what has happened.

I think stress earlier on is probably worse than later on Gingersnap88, at 37 weeks your baby will be pretty much ready to survive on their own and is just laying down fat... they seem to be more susceptible to things earlier on?

At the time I coped by turning my attention to Dad, teaching him some things to cook, making dinner with him and just watching something on tv together so he wasn't alone. So in a way looking after your Mum and helping out with what you can from home/sitting position might help distract you from your own feelings for a little while - although I must say I feel I put my grief on hold because I am now feeling like it's hit me hard, especially the more pregnant I get.

Someone said above there are a lot of phone calls to make which is very true, so you could make up a list together and split the calling which I am sure would help her out as they are never quick calls and possibly more distressing for your Mum? There are also other things like the wording for the newspaper if you are putting in a death notice, choosing some of your Grandmother's favourite music for the funeral, we spent HOURS going through old photos which was quite nice/bittersweet to make up a photo presentation for the funeral which you could sit and do.

Crying is good, that releases stress I find and distracting yourself with a movie or your favourite tv show...

I don't have any advice, but have been thinking about this too - my dad died nearly 3 weeks ago (I'm 19 weeks pregnant now). He had been ill for some time, and I think we all (including him) knew that he wouldn't be here to see his first grandchild.

I have really mixed feelings about it all now (in addition to the obvious following a close family bereavement). Part of me thinks having the baby to look forward to helps a bit with the grief, then I wonder if it's just distracting me and it might hit harder later. At the same time, I'm really pleased for my mum's sake, as it is giving her something to focus on - though I know she's worrying about me too.

I've obviously been worried about the effect on the baby too - though I'm operating quite normally most of the time, there is quite a lot of crying too, mainly on the shoulder of my brilliant husband. However, I saw the midwife this morning, and hearing the baby's heartbeat was a bigger than usual relief and delight.

Hi, just thought I'd share my experience, as I was a baby inside a bereaved Mummy... my Dad died of a brain tumour 4 months before I was born and naturally my Mum was devastated. She's told me before that had it not been for me growing inside her she would have contemplated suicide. It's only in the last few years that I've begun to think about how this could have affected me as a person.
I have to say that I'm a pretty happy and positive person, with no real health issues! Interesting about teeth though - I had about 8 fillings in my baby teeth - not because I ate too many sweets, the dentist told my Mum they were just weak... ties in with what you said Thumbwitch? As a baby and toddler I was renowned for crying ALL the time... possibly a result of stress hormones? And even now I'm very emotional - happy and sad tears in equal amounts though
I also haven't coped very well with losing my grandparents - my Grandad especially, although he was my Father figure growing up, so that figures.
I'm really sorry I can't give anyone any advice, and my heart goes out to you all. Just focus on yourselves and the amazing life growing inside you... your babies are extensions of those you have lost and I truly believe they are still around us watching and looking after us.
xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My mum was diagnosed with advanced and terminal cancer when I was 38 weeks pregnant last year. I was obviously devastated, cried buckets, had awful headaches and disturbed nights. My little one is just fine.

Thank you so much to all of you for your kind words and for sharing your stories. I'm so sorry for your losses, it's such a difficult time. Although its very un-mumsnetty, I send you all hugs!

op my lovely grandma passed away when I was 38 weeks, it was a race to see if I could give birth before she passed away. Two things kept me going... I had a dream, a beautiful dream about ds and grandma meeting on the steps to heaven (frankie Vali style steps from Grease) and... when I went into labour the weather had been so bad and suddenly it cleared with a single star in the sky.

I don't know whether you are spiritual or not, but meditation, dreaming etc might give you comfort.

My ds was a miserable baby, I think I passed on massive stress hormones to him that have taken a very long time to work out.

Lots of hugs to you

Hey, big sympathies to you :( It's even worse when your body is doing all sorts of strange things already!

My dad died when I was about 25 weeks pregnant last time and I had to fly to South Africa. It was really so hard and awful. I ended up having bleeding at 28 weeks and baby arrived at 33 weeks (not sure if that was stress related)... but nevertheless DS is a very well and healthy little chap! I'm sure your little one will be fine, especially since you're this far along already. Hope you'll be ok soon...

I'm so sorry, My grandad passed away 4 weeks ago when i was 32 weeks, funny thing is it only hit me a couple of days ago when i saw a picture he had taken in 1946 and i realised he had a life i knew nothing about, i am slowly going through all the old photos and i think its really helping me come to terms with it.

Hope your ok, just take it one step at a time and don't push yourself to much.