Partner disappointed about gender of baby - am I wrong to be upset?

[jenrose29]

My partner has two children from his previous marriage, a boy and a girl. He sees them every 6 weeks or so because of shifts/distance from them. He openly says that he hopes that his son will live with us one day, he says his daughter will probably stay with her mum and disown him. He doesn't seem that fussed about it. I have a four and a half year old daughter, my partner has been her step-father since she was two and they are very close. We decided to have a baby together and when we were trying for the baby, we said we wouldn't find out the gender. However, as twenty weeks came around, he said he wanted to find out as he'd need time to prepare if it was a girl - he'd made no secret of wanting the baby to be a boy. The 20 week scan showed we are having a girl. When we left the scan, the first thing he said was 'looks like we'll be having another one after this one then!' and since then has made several comments, which I think are insensitive but not sure if I'm being over-sensitive. He said if I can give him a boy next time then I'm definitely his perfect woman...! And he keeps talking about trying for another one and how he really wants it to be a boy. He says he's hoping the scan was wrong and we end up getting a boy. Am I wrong to be upset?

No you are not wrong to be upset. I don't think he is wrong for feeling the way he does, but he is very wrong to be going on about it.

I'd be bloody fuming!!

YANBU. I shouldn't really get started on this because I don't want to end up completely slagging of your DP - but seriously!!! What a dick. That's his child he's talking about!

...Oh and also, as for you being his 'perfect woman' if you give him a son...has he entirely forgotten that the 'x's and 'y's that decide gender come from him?

Numbnuts.

Ok - didn't do so well with not slagging him off there, did I? But no - it's entirely appropriate for you to be a bit gutted with his reaction.

[shocked]
What?! does he know that it is his sperm that made your baby a girl?
Is this behaviour why he is a divorced dad?
TBH i am wondering why you considered having a baby with him, when you can tell he has issues about his own children, and not being bothered about seeing his own daughter!

You have every reason to be upset, but really, you sound like you were aware of these issues before you got pregnant, so i don't know what to suggest.

You must be feeling awful about this. He is completely wrong to say the things he's said to you, in particular you'd be perfect if you 'gave' him a boy.
It appears that this all boils down to his relationship with his daughter. He needs to deal with this and you need to talk a lot about the issues you have.
Congratulations by the way.

Spannermary - I have pointed out that it was his 'ingredients' that determined the gender!

OTTMummA - It isn't that he isn't bothered about seeing his daughter, it is just clear (to me) that he prefers his son. His daughter actually gets a lot more attention from him as she is more high maintenance than his son but I think he feels resigned to the fact that she will side with her mum and his mother-in-law in the long run.

I don't know if I'm just dwelling because I'm pregnant but do feel fed up with him today. My daughter doesn't have a good relationship with her biological father (his choice) and has called my partner Daddy for the past year or so. I try to work together with her bio father, but he isn't interested. I have involved my partner with everything around my daughter, choosing schools, parents evening etc and he says that he loves her calling/thinking of him as her Daddy.

However, he treats his kids VERY differently. He doesn't tell them off ever and gives them his full attention. I know he doesn't see them very often but it is upsetting for my daughter to see how much 'special treatment' they get. He also makes comments that I think are going to cause my daughter to resent him in the future. For example, he babies his children very much - wiping their bottoms, dressing them, letting them sleep in his bed, carrying them etc (they are 4 and 5). He will often try and do these things for my daughter who tells him she can do it herself - not in a rude way, she is just very independent. He says things like: "come on, I've got two children of my own you know, I can help." Yet if she asks him (usually without me present) if he's her daddy, he tells her yes. I think this is very confusing for her. But again, not sure if I'm being oversensitive.