Feeling really down about everything (very long sorry)

[Loonybun]

I'm currently nearly 24 wks pregnant with my second child. My dd is nearly 9. I had a very difficult traumatic birth with her. I was in an out of hospital as an in patient with various complications (undiagnosed thyroid issues, severe anaemia treated with daily iron injections, suspected gestational diabetes that led to early induction etc)...

I ended up having her at 37 wks after a 70 hour induction ending in an epidural that made me paralysed from the neck down for 2 days and a ventouse delivery complete with episiotomy that left me with so many stitches I couldn't walk or sit down for about 6 weeks. I later saw a specialist about having the episiotomy restitched.

The whole thing has left me with an intense fear of everything to do with midwives, maternity suites, delivery rooms and in particular vaginal internal exams (although not smear tests, I am ok with these) as I found the internals particularly painful and invasive. I would say to the midwives the internals were painful and they didn't stop. I can only liken this to being raped or sexually assaulted. This is really how I feel. I am sorry if this offends anyone.

And breathe.

I always swore I would never ever have another child. I had severe PTSD and PND with an overwhelming feeling that I almost blamed my dd for putting me through such an ordeal I know this is nuts but this is how I felt and I couldn't bond with her at all. I did everything on auto pilot in terms of being a "good mum" but I didn't bond with her really until she started to become a toddler if I am honest.

I coped with everything by going out to work full time in a demanding career, being the main breadwinner and my mum looked after dd for me.

Fast forward 9 years, I am a different person now. I wanted to have a sibling for my dd and I wanted another child as did my now partner (not dd's dad). I am no longer the career woman I was, I am totally family minded and I work only a few hours a week. My partner and I were told we had fertility issues and were on the waiting list for IVF but despite this we managed to conceive naturally. So here I am 24 wks in with a ds.

I should be over the moon. But I'm not. I am finding the whole thing harder than I ever imagined. I have more or less decided that I will have to have an elective c section this time and I have already had one battle with the consultant about it and they have basically said that I can have that option although he has said a "vaginal delivery would be the better option for me" - really??? I am so angry that he said that to me, it's like he's compared my delivery to a "normal" delivery and compared that to a c section!

I am not a daft woman, I understand the complications that can come with a c section and that it is major surgery. I have done extensive research.

I have another appointment due with the consultant at 32 weeks. I am terrified that they will say no and I will end up going round and round in circles until I end up in labour. I would rather kill myself than end up in labour again. I simply cannot do it.

The thing I am struggling with the most is that this week I had a possible leakage of fluid (thankfully turned out okay) and I ended up in the place I hate the most - the delivery ward (different hospital to where I had dd by the way). I ended up having 2 internal exams, one half an hour after the other. It was horrendous. I felt totally out of control and it has brought all my feelings back about having dd again. I managed to hide this well from the midwives, consultant and my partner as I don't want to keep talking about it all the time.

I know it sounds stupid but I had only considered the fact that I would be having a c section and not that I might have complications with this pregnancy that might result in internals and invasive procedures prior to the birth. This has now sent me into a complete panic and severe depression.

I am now feeling that I can't do this at all. To top things off my partner, who had been off work for the last 6 months, has now found a new job with very long hours so whereas before I had someone around me all the time to talk to etc he's now back at work. I am pleased he's back at work don't get me wrong, I am proud of him for getting back (he was unemployed due to illness and has now made a recovery) and he is the most supportive partner I could ask for in every way but I just feel that now I will be on my own every day trying to cope with all this and then a screaming baby at the end of it all.

What a mess.

First of all, big hug. Sounds to me you never really had the chance to grieve (yes, grieve) the traumatic and dramatic first delivery you had - everyone always expects you to be over the moon once you have had your baby and to forget immediately about the birth etc. It's a huge experience.

I am also pregnant with my second and had a hideous birth experience with the first. I think if you have such intense fear about doing it again, I think the consultant will understand - but you need to be honest with them and not hide anything. I personally feel much encouraged by fellow mums who have had their second babies and much easier and faster delivery.

And why do you think your baby will be a screamer? You never know, you might get one of those that sleep 12 hours a night from week 2. ;)

I have a lot of sympathy - I would also much much prefer a CS (I've had some pretty shoddy treatment from MWs and gynae nurses through my 3 miscarriages, only people who were ever nice or took me seriously were the theatre staff, so I'd much prefer to just have a CS and let them get on with their job). Your post has really reminded me of how helpless I felt through all the MCs, when I struggled to get just a pre-12 week ultrasound and an ERPC, and then how hard I had to fight just to get referred for recurrent MC testing even though I'd had three and my mother before me had 4. I remember the b***ds always telling me after each MC that it wasn't meant to be, that miscarriage was very common etc etc... then in the final one we managed to get the baby karyotyped and they found a problem and their attitude was "well, it wouldn't have survived so what do you want us to do about it?" Then finally I got some testing on me and they found this chromosomal abnormality, one person in about 600 has it, and they couldn't trot out the usual platitudes about how miscarriage is a natural thing and it might be just bad luck, so instead I started being told about how it would anyway be easier if I just kept trying naturally because eventually I should get a healthy baby, never mind that in the meantime I'd be risking more miscarriages and possibly termination of a pregnancy if the baby inherited one of the versions of the abnormality that leads to Patau's syndrome. I realised that when the NHS is counting up how much things cost, it values my state of mind at precisely zero. I was supposed to be happy to put up with any amount of suffering in order to have a baby, and be grateful that they were even bothering to scan me pre-12 weeks so that they could tell if my babies had Patau's or not. They even lied about the likelihood of me having a healthy baby naturally.
I found the money to do IVF privately and got pregnant first time (not that surprising as I've not had problems to get pregnant in the past). I looked into doing the birth privately too but realised that in an emergency we'd end up at the NHS anyway so I fought and fought to get into a hospital with a twins clinic and a NICU (they've been quite good, after the initial fun of the receptionist telling me I couldn't self-refer as high risk because I might be lying about the translocation.) I can't wait to have it over with and then I just pray that the kids never get ill.

Sorry, that doesn't help at all, but just to say you're not the only one who has issues with MWs, hospital treatment etc... is there anyone in your circle of friends or family who'll can offer a listening ear? Of course MN is always here...

Thanks for the replies. I feel quite tearful reading about "grieving". Yes I do feel quite like that... and the second poster, where you say this....

I realised that when the NHS is counting up how much things cost, it values my state of mind at precisely zero.

That is SO true. That is exactly how I feel.

It's very hard to explain to people in general as people seem to be much more accepting of medical interventions etc than I am - I read lots of birth stories that are very similar to my own and other people do not seem to feel as violated as me... I don't understand why I do feel like that really. I think it's just the whole lack of compassion, feeling out of control, violation, people being patronising / condescending towards me the whole time...

I don't think I could afford to go privately unless we took out a loan but I researched c sections and they are in the region of £5,000 (here anyway) and I am just going to do my best to battle with the consultant to get mine on the NHS... I came out of my first appointment with him in near tears after he wittered on about my first birth being "unpleasant" - he has written this in my notes - it wasn't "unpleasant", it was horrific! I wrote him a long letter afterwards saying I didn't feel he was listening to me properly. He hasn't replied but then I don't suppose he would as I am due to meet with him again at 32 weeks.

When I went in for the fluid investigations this week the midwife read through my notes and saw what the consultant had written and asked me about it (even though it wasn't relevant to that particular instance as she admitted!) and I ended up talking about it all again and how I would be going for a c section this time. She then started banging on about how "all second births are easier" (well they're not always, no!).... "this hospital is really good at these things"... "you'd have a different experience this time" ... and yes, part of me thinks she was trying to be nice and part of me feels enraged that despite me telling her several times I am still opting for a c section she still feels it is somehow her "duty" to try and persuade me! Makes me so angry!

I am also getting it from all sides in terms of people I work with in that they keep saying "eww how can you consider being cut open??" etc - well I was cut open with dd 1 in a much more sensitive area and was near incontinent for weeks - I think if anything the two are comparable!

I don't know what I hope to get from writing about all this here. I just need somewhere safe to vent really. In real life almost everyone I know has had very straightforward births, my SIL had her second baby a year ago after 3 hours labour after we drove her to hospital without so much as a stitch in sight. I don't think anyone (apart from similar people on here) know what it's like to really have a terrible time of things.

I did smile when I read the part about perhaps this baby will sleep 12 hours a night - you never know. My dd slept through from about 9 weeks but I have a dreadful feeling I won't be so lucky this time!!

Try and be as open with the consultant and midwives as you can about how traumatised you were by your first delivery. This should help them understand your decision to have a cs.

I don't know if there were any alternative methods of monitoring you and baby when you had that scare, other than internal examinations. But it is worth letting the midwives attending you know how uncomfortable and scary you find internal examinations and why (by a written note if you don't feel you can voice your fears). There may be alternatives, or at least they could minimise the number that they do.

I know you feel like you need to be strong and not show how distressing you find things. But it makes your feelings of depression and stress worse.

Midwifes must have to deal with women who have experienced assualt and are therefore stressed about examinations, if they know that your experience was like that and was specific to pregnancy/labour then they might be able to treat you more sensitively.

You said:
I have another appointment due with the consultant at 32 weeks. I am terrified that they will say no and I will end up going round and round in circles until I end up in labour. I would rather kill myself than end up in labour again. I simply cannot do it.

You need to tell your consultant this - written down if you don't think you can say it - they need to take your mental well-being into account. If you think that you will end up spending the next month or so before your appointment this distressed, then please see if you can have an earlier appointment, speak to your midwife or write a letter explaining how distressing this situation is for you and that you need them to confirm that you will get a cs.

If you do feel like you will harm yourself, please get help from www.samaritans.org/ you can phone or email them.

Also have you had any counselling for your past experience? It could be that you have post traumatic stress and need to speak to someone about it professionally.

Really hoping you get the care you and your little one deserve.

I started writing before your second post talking about how you have been open with your health professionals about how your first delivery affected you.

I'm sorry that this didn't have the response I hoped it would. But please keep trying to get someone to realise that you aren't just a bit nervous of labour, that you were traumatised by your first one and really can't face a second birth even if it goes more smoothly which they can't guarantee).

Try and get someone to listen who can then advocate on your behalf to the other medical staff. You really ought to be able to get a CS on request anyway and with the reason you have, they really shouldn't keep you hanging on worrying about this.

It might help if you acknowledge that some women are just a bit nervous about labour and you understand why they are trying to reassure you but in your case you were so traumatised by a previous birth that the thought of another labour is affecting your mental wellbeing. In your case, their reassurances about 2nd labour are just making you worry more that you will be forced to labour and they really need to tell you that you will get the ecs you have requested in order to help you get through the rest of your pregnancy with your mental health intact.

Thank you for the replies (I am on my phone so apogies if this is littered with ing mistakes - I am in starbucks treating myself to brekkie) ...

I have been thinking about what everyone has said and I am thinking maybe I should go back to my gp and really press him on this, to make sure the consultant can't turn round at my next appointment and say I don't seem too bothered... If I leave it till 32 wk appointment do you think he will try and talk me out of a c section?? I keep reading stories on other forums of people who seem to have gfar more medical reason than me and they get turned down, I am terrified.

Plus I am an idiot. I watched obem last night and the woman on that ended up with forceps (my worst nightmare) and she had a painful internal and I went to bed in tears thining that will be me all over again... I didn't want my partner to know how upset I was (even tho he knows its a masssive deal for me geneerally) as this week is his first week in his new job and he doesn't need to ber worrying about me as well... I might try and see the gp tomorrow.