Feeling depressed at 24 weeks, can anyone offer advice?

[Mookymoo]

I've started to feel horribly depressed in the last couple of weeks, it started off because I've been worried about our finances when I go on maternity leave and now seems to have spiralled and I can't seem to pick myself up out of it at all. I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday but I'm really frightened if I'm truthful about how I feel they will take my baby away when it's born. I feel so guilty for feeling like this, I was so happy and excited and now I seem to be dreading it and feel awful that I am not being a proper fun mum for my little DD.

I can't seem to stop crying. Has anyone got some advice they can give me about what might happen at the doctor's? I want to be honest about how awful I feel and the thoughts I've had about myself but I don't want to be labelled as a possible danger

I completely understand your fear of being labelled as a danger.
But your baby won't be taken just because you feel down. For SS to take your baby there has to be a whole range of other unfortunate circumstances, such as feeling down AND having no support AND having housing issues, etc etc, then you become at risk of them considering just taking the baby.
In an ideal world they'd help you with such problems, but they don't always I must admit.
As long as you have supportive friends and family and a nice home, you should be safe from SS.

How do you feel?
The main question would be do you have any thoughts of self harm when they're doing a risk assesment. If you do, I would speak to us on mumsnet and some close friends and family, or even a support charity, for gods sakes don't run straight to a GP to tell them, as it could get put through to social services, so please only use such officials as an absolute last resort.

And I'm so sorry for how you feel?
Do you think it might be hormonal, or have you been like this before?
Bless you x

Although I have had depression a long time ago, I wasn't like this at all in my last pregnancy, I have felt like harming myself but thanks for your advice I will be careful about what I say now, however all the rest of my circumstances are fine (which only serves to make me feel ungrateful and selfish) luckily. I just don't know why I can't seem to pick myself up this time.

Hi there
I became very depressed while pregnant with first child. I also subsequently suffered post natal depression. I did have a history of depression though and I think that the hormonal changes in pregnancy just didn´t help. I also felt that DH wasn´t helping or being as sympathetic as I thought he should be. This was more than 11 years ago and I don´t think that ante-natal depression was even talked about at the time.

I don´t really know what to suggest. I kept absolutely quiet about how awful I was feeling during pregnancy as, like you, I thought they might want to take the baby away. I´d wanted to become pregnant and it felt so wrong to be feeling the way I did. When I was diagnosed with PND, the health visitor asked about how I´d felt during pregnancy and I admitted that I'd felt very low. The reaction was, why hadn´t I mentioned it sooner, that they wouldn´t have taken my baby away. I might have been able to avoid PND if I had.

I did go to a homeopath and I found it very helpful. I don´t think it was necessarily the homeopathic remedy that helped but the fact that, finally I could speak to someone, in all confidentiality, about these (in my mind) terrible feelings.

Is there someone that you feel that you can speak to confidentially? Do you have a very good friend (I admit that I found it very hard to tell my best friends ´cos I felt that it was so wrong). Do you think that your doctor or midwife might be sympathetic?
There is a web site now that deals with depression during pregnancy and hopefully this will give you some help
depression-in-pregnancy.org/
Ante natal depression isn´t as uncommon as you´d think and, if that´s what you have, you´re not alone.
www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2008/jan/29/healthandwellbeing.mentalhealth
My heart goes out to you and I hope that you find what you need. As himynameisfred suggests, keep using mumsnet for support. Let it out and, hopefully, that will help ease the burden.
Lots of hugs x

You need to be honest with your GP, thoughts and actions are very different in relation to self harm. Having thoughts shows how rotten you are feeling not acting upon them displays that you have that control there. See a GP that you trust, they should understand that this is a major life event and will have seen many ladies feeling like you do - not everybody is referred to SS for feeling like crap.

Hormones can blow things out of proportion, therefore at times when I have felt like you I have sat down and have written out a list/budget. Thoughts can spiral into 'can't cope' very easily. Look into what you are entitled to, look at what budget cuts you can make, look at where you can start picking up cheap baby items. It doesn't have to cost a fortune.

Look after yourself, take a day off from being pregnant - meet with friends, do something relaxing, dont google anything pg related for 1 day :) There is a pg hypnotherapy CD I got which helped me - lots of positive affirmations about coping.

Last year, I sat in GPs about 3 times sobbing because I was frightened about having a baby and coping, I even considered late abortion - I didnt want it, I was just frightened. This is why you get 9 months to get used to the idea, take one day at a time and don't overwhelm yourself with everything at once. Have a big fat list with practical things and nice things, gradually work through it.

Please remember you are not going mad, you are stressed out, this is very common. People will act to keep you and your baby together as this is the best for both of you. Don't let a fear of SS prevent you from being honest with GP and accessing help that you need.

Good Luck

Thank you for your kind words. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this as some people wouldn't understand, and my partner is already feeling awful about the redundancy so I don't want to put it all on him. I try to keep on with things but end up feeling the depression closing in on me and having terrible thoughts about suicide. I would never want to do that to the people I love, but at it's worst it seems that their needs fade away and I get almost overpowered by the black cloud. Really hoping for some sympathy and help on Thursday at the doctors

[http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/post-natal_depression]
This is a really good link. If you read down it talks about pre natal as well as post natal depression and explains that the fears you have about asking for help are very common and are part of your depression. There is all sorts of treatment and support available if you can bring yourself to talk to your GP about it. You have a long time to tackle this before the baby comes if you can bring yourself to ask for support from professionals who can help. I hope this link shows you that how you are feeling is common, it is not your fault and you should try not to let yourself think that it is because you are ungrateful or selfish. It is chemical, which is why it happens in pregnancy! Lots of people have depression. It is not a reason for social services to get involved. Getting help is the responsible thing for you to do for your baby and you and will hopefully stop you feeling worse. The professionals don't want to punish you or doing the best thing for you and your baby, which is asking for support!
Having had depression myself in the past my heart goes out to you. It is easy to lose perspective and feel that there is no way you could ever feel better. But you can and will! Support will make the likelihood and speed of this much better.
An un-mumsnetty hug for you xx

www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/post-natal_depression
Hopefully this will give you the link!

I'm really on top of things financially, which is why I know how bad things are going to get when I go on maternity leave. We stand to have about £1200 for the month between us, which will be enough to pay the mortgage and bills and a bit of food but leave absolutely nothing else. We live very frugally anyway. To be honest, I know that things will have to be alright on that score one way or the other, I started off being panicked and stressed about that but now it seems to have developed into something else completely and I find it hard to be positive about anything.

There are anti depressants that you can safely take in pg but if you are feeling this rotten be honest with them about how you are feeling. It may be useful to jot down a few notes to get clear in your head what help you want from them. If you just say Im stressed and a bit sad, they may try and fob you off with the hormones :) However if you recognise it to be similar to a previous depressive episode you need to give them the detail so they can act on it - medication or referral to mental health service/ specialist midwife.
There is no shame in it, it is v. common!

they have a perinatal midwife team for women with mental health issues.
I nearly got forced into being under them last time and was told I may have to go to a mother and baby unit mental health ward, which would have meant living without my other child for several months, I fought against it and luckily had my GP back me up.
I had all this trouble people I have a documented history of self harm, which can be a very dangerous thing to have, in writing.
It was a major factor in why my first child was adopted out against my will.
Many officials don't understand self harm, they hit the panic buttons and think you could harm your children, etc. I've never harmed another living soul.

I would speak to helplines like mind and speak to us.

Everyone feels low sometimes, you need to learn that the feeling does pass, so when the fee;ling of dread comes, you can deal with it, because you know it'll end soon. Get up, go get in the bath, go for a walk, find your own coping strategies.
I really hope you feel much better after the birth!

Have you thought about swimming with your child you have now?
This type of thing can change the chemicals going to your brain and make you 'snap out of it' for a while, and just change your mood x

himynameisfred it sounds as though you have had a dreadful experience and it seems as though your case of depression was quite severe to warrant admission to a mother and baby unit - I am sorry that this experience turned out so awful for you.

However, I would like to present an alternative view as I know several people who have been admitted to mother and baby units with good experiences and good outcomes. Fortunately not all mental health difficulties result in children being removed.

I would not want your dreadful experience to put the OP off seeking help through fear of the same happening to her. If she is honest about her depression a good dose of anti-depressant may be all that she needs to prevent further difficulties. As well as the other useful things that you have suggested.

I speak as a sufferer of MH problems & a worker within the MH service.

Hi Mooky, I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this (and to you too, Fred), but I think that you do need to be honest with the GP so that they can do a thorough treatment plan.

I had terrible antenatal depression last pregnancy which started at about 10 weeks. I was petrified that my baby would be removed at birth - doesn't help that we have Police Officers in the family and one day a marked car rolled up outside my door! At 23wks I was admitted into a psychiatric intensive care unit because I felt my body would poison the baby and I needed to cut her out or end my life in a way that would still give her a chance if the emergency services got there fast enough. So it really was quite bad - sorry if this is TMI but I think honesty is the best policy.

I was a voluntary admission - I'd spoken to my GP several times but wasn't really getting anywhere so when it got really bad they sent me directly to A and E where I was met by a specialist MH team. I discharged myself the following day (as soon as I had spoken to a psychiatrist) because the hospital really was awful but it was a means to an end. I was then seen daily in my home by a 'Crisis Home Resolution Team' who were fantastic up until the birth. Ended up being in hospital for three weeks as DD was prem but I was visited in hospital by the Mother and Baby consultant Psychiatrist and by a Community Psychiatric nurse, so was pretty well supported, and this continued at home and in a Surgery after the birth.

When the time was right I also got referred for CBT therapy, which I did for about 18mths. I stopped taking the meds in August and fell pg again in September (happened very quickly, so a bit of a surprise) but this time is completely different and I have felt shit, but in a normal shitty kind of way, and nothing like last time.

It is an awful ordeal, but with the right help and support you will get through it. I took about two years to get over it from start to finish but I have bonded with my daughter and she is the most wonderful and amazing thing that has ever happened to me.

You will find a way to make things work out. Money will be tight but your baby doesn't need brand new things, if he/she is loved then that is all they really need. There are meds that are safe to take during pg and bf and this is now a recognised condition without shame or stigma (in most parts of the health profession - although I would get yourself under the specialised MH umbrella asap to make sure you've got the correct diagnosis and medications). You could be in it for the long haul but there are people on here that will be there for you whenever you need them, and don't be afraid to ask for help!

Good luck with it, sorry for the essay. x

Thanks for all of the information and advice. I am feeling a bit brighter today having planned things to get us out of the house over the rest of the week when I'm not working. I did try to cancel the drs appointment as it wasn't with a doctor I know, but thankfully my GP called me after I'd cancelled and booked me in with her instead so that's a relief.

I think I will try to be as honest as possible, I want to get the help I need to feel the same about my unborn baby as I felt about my last pregnancy and how I felt earlier on. I hate myself for not being excited and linked to it already, and I just don't feel like I can admit that to anyone I know. I had a miscarriage in June and I have felt as though I can't fully relax and be into the pregnancy in case something bad happens.
Financially, we already have most baby stuff from our DD as she's only 18 months old and I guess if DP doesn't find a permanent job or one that pays much less then we'll just have to throw ourselves on the mercy of housing and council tax benefit and see what they say. I've been trying to get info about what we'd be entitled to, but no-one seems to appreciate that I need to know now, they just keep saying wait until June when you go on maternity leave.

That's pretty sucky Mooky, but glad you're feeling a bit sunnier today. Don't beat yourself up that you're not all daisies and butterflies and singing to the child inside you, that will come when he or she gets here (maybe not the butterflies part).

Totally understand the Fear - I had a bleed at 17wks and still am not ready to admit (to myself) that I'm still pregnant in case it goes. That is kinda how I felt at the beginning of the last pregnancy as well - it was a total shock to me that I didn't feel connected or enjoy the experience and it threw me. It doesn't mean that you are going to be any different with this child than with your daughter, just that the pregnancies were different.

Good luck trying to get info - if you are working now they should be able to point you in the right direction otherwise try directgov.co.uk or whatever it is...

georgethecat my case of mental health issues weren't severe, they was non-existant in my opinion.
They wanted to put me in the mother and baby unit (leaving 3yr old DS with who? foster parents??) just because 6-8 years before that I had self harmed and taken overdoses, and this consultant basically told me I was more than likely to have a breakdown at the birth.
Some professionals are complete idiots.
I avoided the unit, and any intervention, and didn't suffer any mental health issues at all.
The problem is if you go through a rough period some professionals will label you for life, and make ASSumptions.
So I would take more care about who I confide in in future.

lostrenore
it's really nice to hear your experience with the services as being helpful :)

I'm sure you'll be okay Mookymoo if you're honest.

It was just me personally, I think I may have autistic traits, have communications difficulties they all think I'm lying 90% of the time about how I am :s
My issues with these people probably are not the norm at all.

+I hope you get help xx

In terms of how you are feeling emotionally: speak to the healthlines, speak to your doctor, take medication if it helps, but also take steps to feel good about yourself. relaxing baths and long walks are free, invest in some you time. Eat well, and take care of yourself.

In terms of your finances, I'm sure lots of mums on here would be happy to donate unused good condition baby gear, and freecycle is also fab. Remember, you can also go back to work and hubby can look after baby, which could be a positive thing for both of you.

I've seen my GP twice now, once when I was feeling a bit better but then again when I seemed to have crashed a bit again. She's referred me to a perinatal mental health team that I should be hearing from soon, so am hoping to make some headway with things soon. I'm so grateful to you all to be able to talk on here, something that I feel I can't really do in RL. I have nice things planned the next few weekends, so have got goals to work towards, and trying not to beat myself up when things don't go to plan (DD eating is pretty non-existent at the moment, making me feel like a failure but keep telling myself it's just a stage)

Glad you're getting some help Mooky, and you have nice things to do (I could do with some of your forward planning!)

Don't worry about DD not eating, she won't starve herself. How old is she? My 25mo is feeling poorly so won't eat. Some days she will only eat porridge for breakfast, raisins/bananas all day and then a cup of milk in lieu of dinner. Just get what you can into her, without giving her the idea that she will have yogurt if she refuses sandwich (give it half an hour later so she doesn't connect the two if you have to) :o

I know how hard it is though, I have cried many times at lunch thrown on the floor, and it's so hard not to get stroppy and show her that her actions are affecting you. If you can, just leave her in the high chair for a few minutes while you walk away and clear your head.

Good luck :)

I can't thank you all enough for your experiences, it really gives me hope. DD is 18 mo, turns out she must have had some sort of bug and is now back to her bouncy (happily eating) self which is a massive relief. All these things alone would be ok to cope with but together they add up. Things feel a little easier at least since she is better.
Thank you TheJoyfulPuddlejumper, I feel so guilty already that I am somehow doing the unborn baby a major disservice in feeling the way I have so it's brilliant to hear how things have changed for you. I have never been the best at coping with hormonal changes (certain contraceptive pills have a major effect on my moods) so it was good to hear about your experience.