Pregnant...and feeling so worried and depressed

[bettybat]

I got a much hoped for BFP last week and now I'm just panicking out of my mind. I'm so sorry if this is long but there's so many elements to my freak-out :(

My DH and I are in our early thirties, fantastic relationship, very supportive. I work for a big corporate in a very stressful job but not on overly brilliant pay for what I do and who I work for. It is above national average - but living in London so doesn't stretch that far. DH has recently retrained as a Personal Trainer - doing really well but my salary supports about 80% of our outgoings. We still manage to save a little bit each month.

We rent a flat, above a shop. We have a wonderful little cat that I adore more than anything. Our landlady is rubbish, a pain in the backside. Our oven hasn't worked in months and her tight-fisted approach is to have us call her gas man friend to fix it We've had enough of her shoddy ways but I feel trapped, worried we won't find another place that will let us keep our cat. There's a few other elements to wanting to move too. There's so many things wrong with the flat and her approach that we've put up with for four years.

I feel irresponsible, getting pregnant. I feel like a failure because we haven't - and won't for a long time - own a place of our own. I feel like - even if we did find somewhere that will let us keep the cat, the future is so uncertain, that we've had so many bad experiences renting, nothing feels remotely secure. It feels like landlords in London don't even really want you to live in their properties - so many said "no pets, no children". It feels like there's an overwhelming tidal wave of uncertainty approaching. It's not so much the cost of renting - it's the lack of, humanity is not quite the right word but I just want a home, long term. A place where we have a good relationship with the LL, where they recognise we're good tenants, that we look after the place.

Before I got pregnant I had it all worked out - how we'd manage financially, what we'd do, where we'd live. Now I am convinced we'll have to give our cat away and I keep crying, devastated at that thought. I know "she's just a cat" I'm putting so much emphasis on how she might feel when probably she'd be fine in a few weeks if the worst came to the worst. I just feel so irresponsible - for getting her and making her love us, see us as family, for getting pregnant, for not owning our own place and creating that kind of security for ourselves. I can't seem to access those pre-pregnancy thoughts, ideas and total confidence we'd figure it all out, that we'd be OK.

Please tell me if will be OK :) I can't seem to be able to conjure anything but worst case scenarios and I'm running everything over and over in my mind like a crazy person. There must be good landlord's out there, right? People that like tenants like us? That want a family to make a home? That it's OK we haven't managed to buy yet? That everything will be OK, we'll get by and I'm not an irresponsible failure?

i understand. i love my cats too.they are important and they are like a family memeber. when i was living in horrid flat in reading I had two cats even though they 'banned' them, i just made sure they was out when they did their inspections. surely she cant kick you out for getting pregnant? you dont sound irresponsible to me at all. I grew up in london, but i moved out to norfolk in the end where i could afford to buy a small house. could you stay at your current place and then look to relocate within a few years so you have a longer term plan?

And breath.... Congratulations of you BFP! Yippee

Oh my god...i had all the same thoughts when I found myself pregnant. It will be fine and you guys with work it out.

You are not irresponsible..however you do need to kick your landlords butt, and I mean big time. You rented a flat, in which an oven worked, it's now not working and it's a major issues as it's GAS! Get your contract out and check what it says ie: who covers what etc. Then email her asap and tell her X,Y and Z need fixing. If she's not happy. Then give notice. You have plenty of time to find somewhere else. Can you speak to your agent who let the flat?

ps: hide the cat

You'll landlord can't stop you from having a baby....you don't even have to tell her you are pregnant.

Keeley, Early pregnancy can make you cry over watching a place in the sun so it is entirely normal to be upset. Parenthood is a terrifying prospect and even when you have done it before a BFP can also lead to some freak outs. Write down the things that are worrying you and try and think of solutions to a couple and I bet you start to feel better. I rented in London with a huge dog - there are decent landlords out there. Change one thing at a time and all will be fine. And congratulations.

PS Hide the cat

Midgetm: not my post :)

Congratulations on the bfp!! Please don't worry these feeling are totally normal. One thing at a time and just hide the cat honestly you will all be fine and everything will get sorted.
Best of luck

There is nothing irresponsible about having a family when you rent. I am fortunate though in that we have a secure long term tenancy - we've lived in this house for twelve years. It is possible. Agree early pregnancy plays havoc with your hormones. Keep an eye on it though, there is such a thing as antenatal depression but no one talks about it mych. I'm not suggesting you are depressed but if thoughts start to become intrusive talk to your midwife.

Hi OP you are not irresponsible or a failure - you and your DH are in a loving relationship, you both have good jobs and you have a roof over your head (even if, for the time being, your landlady is rubbish).

I'm not saying that you are doing this but I know when I fell pg, I suddenly had a wobble about my life not matching up to what, in my head, was the ideal situation in which to bring up a child. DH had to point out several times that we should focus on what we can give a child - a loving home where we are sufficiently financially stable to make sure he / she has at least the basics - rather than worrying about not being able give our little one a dream home with enough money to indulge every interest and whim.

I totally understand your frustration with the landlady - especially about the oven, what a total pain for you. And I can see why you would want to move but I think you are in a really good position to look after your little person until you are ready to move and you can find somewhere that will let you take your cat. Personally I would be devastated to live without my moggy so I totally understand where you are coming from on that one!

When the time comes, I am sure there will be lots of places where you'll be happy with your little one and where the landlord / landlady will accommodate a pusscat (and be a bit better at fixing things!). I can understand your worry that a lot of places don't allow pets and aren't that welcoming of children but there will be a place to suit you even if it takes a little time to find - and in the meantime, you have a loving home where your little person can start his / her life.

It's a pain that where you are now isn't right as a long term home but that is just because of your landlady, you haven't done anything wrong. And FWIW, hardly any of my friends have / had bought in their early 30s so you certainly shouldn't see that as a reflection on you and your DH - that's just crazy London prices for you.

Have a big

And mostly, can I jump around with my celebratory pom poms and say a MASSIVE congratulations on your BFP - so exciting!

Doh!

Guys, thank you....I could cry all over again from all these responses!

When I put it in perspective, it is about desires - current landlady, though rubbish, is not asking us to leave. She does offer us security because she would struggle to rent the place out (it's not an ideal entrance, dark and isolated and the place was empty six months before we moved in).

But she is lazy and cuts corners. She replaced our fridge the other week, dumped the old one out the front and told me to tip the dustbin men to take it away. When I called her, horrified that a) she hadn't also arranged disposal, that she expected us to do it and b) that she didn't see they needed disposing responsibly, she got all huffy, treating me like a complete mug saying "Oh just forget it, I thought you'd be grateful, stop making a drama, just forget it!". Boundaries, anyone?

I guess it is just that...I wish we lived in a place with a shower, and a decent kitchen, and so many other wish list things. And where I work, everyone else is one super decent money with £500k houses and it I just feel like everything is such a struggle. I just keep imagining how easy their lives must be, with lovely bathrooms and kitchens and gardens and proper front doors :)

All those things wrong with where we live were so fine before pregnancy. I'm not particularly precious in that sense - I was always just so happy we had our little cat. Since the BFP I started looking at things in their worst way and I know I should be grateful for all the things I do have...I guess so much is tied up in what I think our lives ought to be like at this stage. It's so hard not to feel like you've failed in some way - people at work say, why don't you just buy, with their voices dripping in disbelief that I live above a shop. I don't have parents to give me 60K for a deposit, it's just not that simple. If it was, I'd have done it a long time ago!

Thank you for all the congratulations :) I want to enjoy this pregnancy, not worry we've made a massive mistake. I was crying down the phone to my mum yesterday saying perhaps we should have waited - but she said what I've said to so many other people: there never is a perfect time!

The main two things that jump out for me are:

You're all-over-the-place hormonal about 'stuff' and that's completely normal! You've already had some practical advice that I can't really add to but want you to remind yourself and cling to the fact that the most ridiculous things can make you ball your eyes out in pregnancy - stuff that would have you rolling your eyes in your non-prgnant state.

Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, you're forgetting how incredibly fickly cats are! IF and it is and if, if you need to rehome her then she will have forgotten all about you in a very short space of time so long as her new owners are her slaves right for her - and obviously you would rehome her to the right kind of people so she WILL BE HAPPY! You'll miss her, of course, but she'll be more than fine. And you may also find your focus shifts once the baby arrives - I myself had to rehome my much loved cat after DS2 arrived because she became unhappy and developed behavioural problems (read- peeing on furniture/beds despite infection ruled out by vet). She's absolutely in her element in her new home (a family member with no children). ANother lady on my post-natal thread had similar issues and had to rehome her two move-loved kitties. It does work out!

OP, firstly congratulations!

Secondly, there are some very nice landlords out there. We found our place by putting an ad on Gumtree outlining our circumstances and that we were reliable tenants looking for a long term rent, and have ended up in a lovely place with very nice landlords paying less than market rent as a result. Just to illustrate that whilst London can be horribly cut and thrust, it isn't always and there are still lovely pe

Mandahugnkiss You're absolutely right, I know you are. I think I'm torturing myself with how she would be for those first few weeks. I imagine her first few nights, confused and upset, wanting a cuddle - and I know it's so, so stupid to talk like that but that's how I "brought" her up...when she's been confused or concerned about something, she comes running to me, yapping away and leaps straight into my arms for a nuzzle in my hair (she uses my hair like other cats use a woolly jumper or cushion - she's obsessed with it )

I would go to the ends of the earth to find a new home for her - one that was secure and someone who could guarantee they wouldn't also just abandon her. I torture myself thinking that we move on from it, and then she gets abandon in a few years and it's all my fault!

My parents both have cats as does DH'S but possibly there's other people in DH's family that might want her. And then a friend who owns her house, and has a little daughter who knows my cat and would take good care of her. And at least, she would tell me if it wasn't working out and I could take her back, if needed.

But I also know I'm anthropomorphising her behaviour and reactions...she finds comfort in my hair because she always has from a kitten, its very kitten like behaviour, and she would be fine elsewhere. I'm just not sure I would :)

And no, I'm not accounting for pregnancy hormones. They really get you, don't they :)

(bloody phone) lovely people out there!

Quodlibet that's a really, really good idea. I wish there was some kind of forum for landlords and tenants to be matched up - like a housing dating site!

congrats bettybat

There are some good landlords out there, we've been in our flat for four years and our landlord is one of the good ones. It took us a while to find the flat, but you will find a good one. And our flat even had a cat flap, it's just a shame my other half is allergic to cats... :(

We've not bought either, it's just not that easy is it?

Everything will be OK, you will get by and you are most definitely not an irresponsible failure! :D

Good luck!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I think that living in London does make you feel a bit down sometimes compared to other places and it is a London thing. I lived in London and had my first baby there. We had a flat above an estate agents for two years. Everyone seems to be so affluent and have so much yet it's so expensive. Everyone I knew seemed to have a house in Muswell Hill or Finchley and have three children permanently dressed in Boden. People seem a little harder and a little more ruthless and it used to depress me, especially about flats and renting and getting into good schools and living in the right area etc. It seems so much more important in London than it does elsewhere and it's hard not to feel it.

However, I really do think that it is possible to rent somewhere with your cat and your baby and that fact that you rent and not own makes it easier to choose somewhere good. You've got nine months to find somewhere if you do want to move. It doesn't matter that you don't own, loads of people don't, especially not in London. If you didn't live in London you might not feel it was such an issue as that element of pressure isn't there in other places.

Also, London was a brilliant place to have a baby. Lots of good charity shops with amazing baby clothes in, loads of parks and playgrounds to go to, lots of baby groups and free art galleries and museums to wander around whilst on maternity leave. I am pregnant with number 3 and have two cats (one is kitten, got whilst pregnant) a dog and numerous hamsters. We live out of London now but we had a cat and a baby when we lived there and all was well. It will be fine. Hormones make everything seem a lot worse - honestly.

I think it's a misapprehension of London dwellers to think middle income families in their 30s and 40s in other parts of the country aren't in similar positions. We are.

Hi bettybat,

you've had lot's of advice which all seems pretty sound to me so I just have one thing to add. As much as you love your cat, make sure it's your other hald doing the cleaning of the litter tray for the next 9 months!

hald = half! Doh

Congratulations :) Don't worry too much about your lovely little cat. I rent my house out (sadly not anywhere near london!), and whilst the initial blurb with the letting agent said no pets, as I have 2 little cats, I said that if they found someone who did have pets, I would be willing to consider. So there are currently 2 dogs in the house! It's worth getting a letting agent to ask the owners, as I think the no pets thing is usually just a standard form of words.

bettybat you've got some great advice on here and I know I'm a bit late to the conversation, but your comments struck such a chord in me, I just wanted to say something.

I'm in my early thirties too and like you a professional, but I came to it late after bumming around for most of my twenties, and I find it really alarming the expectations professional people can put on themselves. You know it's not NORMAL to own 500K houses, don't you? You know that's a minute minute proportion of the population? I mean I live up North and I know London prices are crazy (I'm not a fan of London generally actually), but still - I have never met anyone who owns a 500K house in my life... Half of the UK is unemployed at the moment and it's getting worse... I know lots of other doctors obviously, but they are impossible to socialise with due to exams/nights/evenings/stress/breakdowns and so I mostly socialise with my old mates... they're teachers and midwives, they work for free magazines and charities, they run their own businesses, I'm mates with a coffee shop manager and a children's' book illustrator and a speech therapist, couple of coppers, couple of web designers, some office kids, couple of builders, some guys who dig archeological sites, and some of my mates are unemployed. Some of my mates have kids, some don't, a few own houses, most don't, and this is up North where you can buy a decent house in a nice area for around £100-150K. I don't own a place. I don't really understand what bearing it has on bringing up children. All my friends who have bought houses in the last 5 years have lost so much money as well :(

I sometimes meet people who think I shouldn't do things. They thought I shouldn't give up a perfectly good job to go to medical school in my twenties, but I just did it anyway. Now they tell me if I want kids I have to be a GP, when my passion and my talent is for hospital medicine. So I'm just going to be a hospital medic anyway (got my job just last week, yeah!) and they will just have to give me maternity leave and get over it, the dinosaurs. Some people say things like "you can't bring up a kid in a flat". They are total fools. My flat is massive, has no stairs, and has floor to ceiling windows. When my 1 year old nephew comes over he spends hours just enjoying the window and the birds outside (I live on the waterfront) in a way toddlers can't in houses. My sister in law sighs about how perfect my flat would be for raising kids. I don't have a garden, but I can go down to the river - and I live in the centre of the city, I have numerous museums, art galleries, parks, pubs, restaurants, events, festivals, markets... all less than a mile away. I walk everywhere. What BETTER playground for a kid? Why do we all have to live in suburbia? Fair enough if you like it, but I lived in a suburban area for 4 months once and thought I'd aged 20 years and got depressed. Then I moved :)

This is talking about my situation now not yours, but seriously people are so ridiculously narrow-minded - my jaw sometimes drops at doctors who complain about their wages. Yeah we work crazy hours and we sleep under desks on night shifts, get vomited on and threatened by psychotic patients, but do they not realise how privileged we are, with secure jobs, in this climate??! I just roll my eyes at them. I am lucky, lucky, lucky, and I may not bring my kid up traditionally but it will be the coolest kid ever.

I am sorry you're having problems with your flat and landlady and I'm not saying you should be happy about all that, I'm just trying to reassure you there are other people out there having kids in flats, and I'm sure most people who have kids don't own houses!

I also have cats which I love (my landlord is fine with them), they are members of my family and I would never give them away, and I'm sure your cat will adjust just fine. My first cat seemed a bit lonely when he was 1 year old, so we bought a new kitten, and for 3 days he HATED him and stalked him around the flat hissing, and on the third day they were all cuddled up having a massive gay love affair. Now they are inseparable. It will be ok. Breathe.

You know what, I totally forgot to say: I rent too. A flat. Only two bedrooms so currently we are horribly overcrowed (and I'm almost 28 weeks pregnant) but we've been saving hard and are now in a position to get on the property ladder v. soon. Can't quite afford this area (stayed in the 'wrong' flat for area - two older kids in 'good' schools. One now left the other can travel from where will will go to) but will do by the time the little ones will be starting school.

So, yeah, if I can do it in with three children, a fourth on the way, then you definitely can with your one.