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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

When to tell the older kids??

24 replies

GizzyBoo · 15/02/2012 15:21

As the title says really.

I am just over 7 weeks pregnant and have 3 other children. Their ages are 9 , 13 and almost 15!
Hubby and I had more or less decided to wait until after the 12 week scan to tell anyone but it is becoming increasingly difficult to hide it at home when there are 3 rather observant bystanders. I have been rather sick for the last week which hasn't gone unnoticed (DD (13) actually said yesterday "are you pregnant??") and my midnight bedtimes have reduced dramatically to 9pm at the latest.
I am having to hide my new pregnancy books and keep a look out for watchful glances while on the laptop lol

I just don't want to tell them too early. 1. for fear of something going wrong and 2. Its going to be a hell of a long wait for them so thought it might be easier to tell them as late as possible.

What did/would you do??

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LeMousquetaireAnonyme · 15/02/2012 15:27

Since they have already guessed I would tell them right now. They are big and understand the timeline. If somethings goes wrong they will noticed that too, and you will have to explain at least why you are so sad.

LeMousquetaireAnonyme · 15/02/2012 15:28

oops 2 yo not helping here. congratulations!

igggi · 15/02/2012 15:37

Lemousq am I reading the date wrong?
I haven't told my ds but he is only 4 and has not sussed what "mummy's big tummy" means yet (odd as he knows that's were he grew).
I think with older children like yours, you should just tell them.

BigFatHeffalump · 15/02/2012 15:38

I'd wait till 12 week scan- if you don't want anyone to know you have three people who will be itching to let your secret out of the bag!

Harecare · 15/02/2012 15:42

Since one has guessed you may as well come clean, but make it clear that until the 12 weeks scan you won't be telling anyone else and you won't be getting excited. If they can't keep a secret - and I'd explain why it needs to be a secret 'til then, you'll have to wait.

blondiep14 · 15/02/2012 15:43

I'm 8 weeks and am leaving it until the scan to tell DS's but they are only 2 and 4! DS1 actually asked me today if we could have a new baby as we've only got one (DS2 is 2!).
I have asked SIL not to tell her 3 until the scan either, they are 14, 12 and 8. I'm a bit of a worrier and woulf rather they knew after the risks had decreased IYSWIM?
Hard to hide it at home tho I would have thought!

Original poster

GizzyBoo · 15/02/2012 16:02

See Heffalump and Harecare that is point 3. lol I am not at all convinced they would be able to keep it quiet.

Its really difficult to hide atm what with feeling so rotten.

None of them knew we were trying for #4 and the eldest 2 have both asked over the last few weeks if we can have a baby in the house. I have to try hard to hide the grin

OP posts:

homeaway · 15/02/2012 16:19

HMMM I know mine would find it hard to keep a secret that big even if they wanted to. If the sickness eases then keep quiet, if something goes wrong you dont have to tell them either, if you dont want to . I would wait until you know all is well but that is just me....
Are you managing to eat properly ?

homeaway · 15/02/2012 16:20

ps i wonder if the older ones have guessed and that is why they asked for another baby in the hope that you would spill the beans :)

nailak · 15/02/2012 16:24

Why don't you tell them? If something goes wrong then they are part of your family and should know too. It is part of life. I know a family whose kids didn't know their mum was pregnant until she miscarried at 6 months.

igggi · 15/02/2012 16:42

Sorry to be pedantic but if she was 6 months it wasn't a miscarriage

5 weeks to wait isn't long but I can understand it might feel like forever!

LeMousquetaireAnonyme · 15/02/2012 16:47

Sorry iggy my 2 yo made it difficult to type and send the message before I could say congratulations!

OP your children are big and understand much more than you give them credit for. They are part of the family and should let them know especially they already have doubts. Did you lie to DD (13) when she asked?

I remember my parents keeping out of everything because I was a child, it is very difficult to grow up like that (I am still a child in front of my parents even at 40 + and even if I can have normal conversation with other people). I did notice stuffs and wasn't really surprised when the truth came out but sometime I worried much more than I should have.
On the other end my brother was completely oblivious of every problems/events and is resentful because he thinks everything was hidden from him.

If you said your are not pregnant to your eldest and she can see the symptoms she can imagine something much worse (some kind of disease even cancer) and be worrying unnecessarily.

You are happy about it, let them share it with you. As nailak said they are part of the family.

They might not be able to keep the secret so what?

DD1 guessed before the 12 weeks scan and she was 4 at the time.

Harecare · 15/02/2012 19:46

Maybe next time they ask you could simply state that most miscarriages happen in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, so if you were pregnant you wouldn't want to tell them (and definitely not anyone else, or risk others blabbing) until that point, so perhaps they should stop asking and wait to be told if there is any news to tell.
Ask no questions, you'll be told no lies!

nailak · 15/02/2012 20:40

Well yes iggi, the first they knew about there mothers pregnancy was seeing a still born baby.

igggi · 15/02/2012 22:03

Nailak I'm not sure why you posted that?

LeMousquetaireAnonyme · 16/02/2012 06:14

Nailak I am too at the necessity. Hopefully the OP will have a trouble free pregnancy.

EdithWeston · 16/02/2012 06:28

My guess is that she posted it in reaction to the correction of her terminology - she originally referred to a miscarriage.

OP: I think the issue hinges on how trustworthy you children are. They may well have noticed something's up. If, as you mentioned, your miscarriage fear comes to pass, they'll definitely know (I don't thinking is at all realistic to hide a miscarriage from teenagers) and will therefore have only sadness and confusion as their memory of this time.

But a household all "in" on a secret could be a joyful place (and I hope all goes well so the joy is durable). But this only works if you can trust each one of them to keep the secret - unreliability on this could lead to an uncontrolled spread of news, which of course you wouldn't want. I think my DCs would react well to being trusted, but you know yours best.

igggi · 16/02/2012 07:28

Yes Edith but what a strange and brutal response. I've had several miscarriages but never (yet) had a stillbirth and am aware it can upset women who've had one if what they experienced is described as miscarriage (as happens in the press sometimes). Hence gentle "correction". But I won't bother again!

Original poster

GizzyBoo · 16/02/2012 08:56

Morning ladies and thank you for your responses.

nailak I am not quite sure where you were going with your point above but don't think this is the time or the place for such things.

I think we will probably tell them over the weekend sometime. They are pretty sensible and I think if I explain things and be honest with them about how important it is for us to keep this as a family just now then I think they will.

And if it gets out....well....its not really the worst news in the world is it

Thanks again

OP posts:

GemmyMummy · 16/02/2012 10:44

My 5 year old keeps asking if he can have a brother....he wants to call him Spongebob!! Can't wait to tell him Mummy has a baby in her tummy....not sure how I'm going to break it to him that it might not be a brother and that I'm not too keen on the name Spongebob, lol!! :)

kimmycooper · 16/02/2012 15:01

Hi GizzyBoo
New to this mumsnet and I too have three children aged 14, 13 and 10 and have just found out that Im 5 weeks pregnant. Would love to hear what your children said as Im not sure when to tell mine! Good luck when you do! :)

nailak · 16/02/2012 15:13

My point was that imo a new addition to the family is a family event, and all members of the family should know and share in the joy and difficulties, they should all support the pregnant mother, and your kids are old enough to do this.

I understand that until you have reached the twelve week mark you may not want everyone to know. However I feel if any thing god forbid does go.wrong your.children will definitely notice. And they should beable.to grieve alongside you. As the now adults with own kids, I know who experienced the above situation feel bad about it, and would have preferred to know amd beable.to help and support parents more.

Wants3 · 16/02/2012 15:30

We talked to the children before we started trying to conceive as a new baby would affect them too. They are 16 and14 so were able to ask questions about sleeping arrangements etc. They were both really excited at the prospect and knew about 5 mins after I took a test (2 months later). They kept it quiet from friends until after scan.

Original poster

GizzyBoo · 18/02/2012 10:28

Both the older children mentioned wanting a wee brother or sister some time ago but we didn't talk to them about ttc and as it goes I am glad they didn't know. It took us 14 months and it felt like a lifetime for me so would have felt like an age for them.

I still can't wait to tell them. Eldest is away for the weekend now so I shall have to do a better job of hiding the sickness from the other 2.

Thanks for the replies x

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