43 years old , 1st baby and terrified

[littleredmonkey]

I am 43 years old today. Happy birthday me !! . Found out on Sunday I was going to be a mum for the first time. Only been trying since October 2011. I am terrified, in shock and cant process it. I am fit and healthy. Any support would be great. Is it normal I am feeling this way and not sure about what I am doing. I have a very supportive and excited partner of 21 years, who will do anything for me. We have spent the last 21 years happy and stress free. I just have an overwelming feeling of fear and would value others thoughts or have you been in the same boat as me.

Hi,
Just wanted to say my mum had me at 43 and I was her first. My cousin's mum also had her when she was 43 (second child). I'm expecting at the moment - found out on my 40th birthday! The night terrors are completely normal - by the way, tend to strike me about once a fortnight! But it will be OK, wishing you, your OH and your little bumpy all the love and luck in the world. xx

redmonkey really glad you found the help and advice supportive. Good to know. Hope you enjoyed your early celebratory/romantic night and got some sleep. Keep posting if you want more advice/handholding. You can see we're all cheering you on!! FF

Congratulations littleredmonkey, as everyone says, it is natural to panic. I had my first baby in April, two months before I turned 43. I'm in France and honestly the doctors didnt seem at all bothered or phased about my age; I waited to get excited until after the 20 week scan even though my nuchal risk came in at 1:799. I was tired towards the end but everyone told me that happened to them, regardless of their ages!

It was a long time since I'd had anything to do with babies but when it is your baby, new born, lying there looking up at you as if to say: So that's what Mummy looks like, well it changes everything. She has made a place in our lives and made us so happy on balance, it is the best decision we ever made.

For the pregnancy, someone else said it very well, try to enjoy it and dont let other people's fears/misconceptions of pregnancy over 40 panic you all the time; more and more women over 40 are successfully giving birth every day. Before the pill this was not considered anything extraordinary. Good luck!

Hey day 4 of knowing bun in the oven and having shocking night terrors, cant seem to focus on anything seems like every few minutes I crap out a small brick and night time is shocking and not sleeping at all. So scared it is consuming me still, I know its early days but when you are normally quite chilled its a shock to be consumed this much with terror . went to the gym today and walked on tread mill to try and relieve stress. Any thoughts on when the terror stops !!!

OP, I am 35 weeks pregnant with my first baby aged 39, with my partner of 20 years. We conceived the first month we tried, and I think that made us both more shocked than we would have been anyway. I think I spent the entire first trimester absolutely petrified and completely unable to think about anything else - I would be walking down the street thinking 'I am walking down the street PREGNANT' or at work thinking 'I am giving a lecture while PREGNANT'. I think it just abated over time very gradually.

What you need is time, and you have plenty of that before meeting your baby. The scans and the eventual kicks and movements help make it all more real, too. My pregnancy has been straightforward and very pleasant so far, and friends in their 20s have had far more complications and tough times in their pregnancies. Try not to panic, and think about some relaxation cds to help you sleep. I had a lot of pregnancy insomnia, but have slept a lot better since starting to practise hypnobirthing and doing the rainbow relaxation meditation last thing.

Congratulations! (and happy birthday)

Perfectly normal to feel shocked and overwhelmed. We found out we were having very long-awaited but very much wanted DD3 when we were 41 years old. We had been trying for 6 years and had given up really. My first reaction on finding out was "WTF have we done?". She is now 2.5 and wonderful!

It is the most amazing and enormous thing to do- having a baby will change your lives, mostly for the better, you have to be ready for that. There are big changes coming, most of them wonderful (the sleep deprivation, less so, but it passes)

Hi
Well had a very random week, firstly went to see my gp with pains on my right side. She was worried so sent me to hospital for a check up. I ended up staying in for two evenings, one with a drip attached as they thought my appendix may blow then the next two days taking bloods and lots of pee. I had a scan showed one bun in the oven, not two ( i am a twin ) and was bricking the thought of two. They sent me home and told to rest as they had not clue of the pains. Most likely baby growing pains. Hospital in Lincoln was fab nurses top rated and could not do enough for me. Got home and now having daily panic attacks about how I can cope with a baby, am I too old (43) , I am normal to be up one minute then down the next. I dont seem to have any positive energy about the whole process. I have not smiled once since finding out and concerned about thoughts of terminaton. My partner bless him is happy with what ever I choose to do, I feel calm at the moment, but was in floods of tears early not able to cope. I will ring my GP for support but I have never felt stress quite like this and it is very overwelming at the moment. Any one else who has the same thoughts. I want a happy pregnancy I dont want to feel down all the time. I have zero motivation for anything, work, gym even my lovely cat is not getting the usually tlc he deserves. I feel like I may be going a little mad because I can decide what to do. If I terminate my baby I know I will be consumed with guilt, and if I keep it can I cope. Please offer any advice.

You are definitely not too old to cope!
What are the specific things you are worried about or is it just overwhelming "everything?"
The first few weeks are a hormonal time, your body and mind are in a whirl. Be kind to yourself!

Hi
Yeh everything seems to be overwhelming. I am normally pretty chilled , but since finding out I am feek out central. Even Tesco is a worry . I woke up yesterday filling like crap but thought get out of bed Rachel do some house work. I dusted like I have never dusted before. I want to feel all gooey and mummy excited but dont. Your right I am beating myself up big time. I feel ok at the moment but that changes in a heart beat. My mate thinks this is groovy spend as much time as possible in bed, cat next to me watching old films and reading. make the most of it she says. Love every minute, I want to I do, but the feelins aren't there. Do the negative vibes go and how quickly.

They say that 'older mums" find it easier because they are more settled and achieved more in their lives before having babies. To be honest, I think its harder for those very reasons. You've had so much more time to live life how you want it. To go on last minute exotic holidays. To go to fancy restaurants. To work late if you want. To sleep even later if you want.

I found it unbelievably tough in the first few weeks and mainly through mourning the loss if my old life. But it DOES get easier. You realise that your new life, whilst different, is better than the old one. I wouldn't change it for the world.

You WILL cope. It might take time but you will. I was quite possibly the least maternal person ever and seem to be managing! Please though, go see your gp and talk it through with them.

I was like this, sleepless nights, freaking out etc.

I started taking one day at a time and trying not to overwhelm myself. At that stage I was simultaneously freaking out about finances, pregnancy, the birth, a baby, being responsible for a life, what if I dont bond with it, breast feeding, tantruming toddler, tantruming teenager, schooling, my relationship, my identity etc etc etc. and more.

I think I have coped and will continue to cope by breaking it up into pieces and telling myself that I dont need to worry about that bit right now. I spent a few times crying in the doctors as I was freaking out so much I started looking up abortion. I didnt want an abortion, I was just scared and it is perfectly normal to be scared.

I am due tomorrow and being pregnant has been scary, physically & emotionally crap at times but it has also been amazing and special. I am imagining that this will continue into motherhood.

Please remember your hormones are all over the place at the mo and you are undergoing a big life change, give yourself a break. A friend of mine said its like starting a new job, you cant be expected to know everything at once and day by day you learn. You will relax into it x

Georgethecat

Thanks for the advice. Bite size chunks not the whole cake !
Good luck for tomorrow. Thinking of ya xx

Pregnancy is terrifying, amazing, tiring, happy, painful, exciting and if you were me very, very pukey.
If you are a bit older it's likely that you are also not used to being out of control any more!
Keep the thread going and you will find lots of shared stories that will help you.
As my father in law said to me "you will worry now about your baby til the day you die". That in itself is enough to mash your brain.

Has anyone mentioned that the first trimester of pregnancy makes you feel like utter cr*p? Your body is being flooded by hormones and is focusing all your energy on growing the little bean. You WILL feel like every ounce of energy and spark has been scooped out of you and you just want to crawl into a dark corner, it's normal! Add that to the fact that on a conscious level it's such a life-changing event and you will feel overwhelmed, all normal, all the proper reaction of a mum-to be.

Be kind to yourself and take it easy whenever you can. Try not to focus on plans and what ifs and how will i copes and just treat yourself as though you are under the weather for a couple of months - things will start to look - and feel - much rosier once you hit the second trimester. You'll start to feel like your old self again.

Take care x

yes that is true - first 3 months you are like a zombie - you do generally feel better after that and then it gets more exciting and you can make plans. Don't make plans now, talk to your GP, chill, do what your friend says - lie around in bed and watch crap, distracting tv - this bit will soon pass.

Dont worry now about actually being a parent - you will pick up all that later, NCT classes, hospital classes, instinct kicking in etc - now is rest and vegetate time! Then next step is worrying about the pregnancy.

Being a parent involves a lot of worrying and fretting unfortunately - but that is the pact for all the good, fun stuff. xxx