depressed and pregnant at 44

[puch]

I found out on Friday i was pregnant - a complete shock, I already got 2 db 12 and 8 so thought family were complete. Talked to dh he said wait and see. I went to the doctors this morning and I am depressed. She sort of talking me into a termination - giving me the odds of having a child with downs etc and that i would have a harder pregnancy, labour etc and now I dont know what to do. I be 45 when baby is born we are not very financially secured and I am pretty deaf -severe hearing. Am I wrong to be in another baby when I be 60 when 15 and will have to rely on sign language. I am torn.

I have no good advice I'm afraid, but just wanted to give you some sympathy/ support. I don't know what the right decision is, that is something only you can decide and it sounds as if you are very much in two minds. An awful decision to have to make, I'm sorry.
I don't think it makes any difference what age you are - you can be a great mum at 60 and an awful mum at 26 or vice versa. That depends on your character not your age. So thinking of being 60 when they're 15 should not put you off, IMO.
And presumably you brought up your other two kids fine, using sign language, so that shouldn't really be an issue (unless you feel it is/ was).
Can you get some more accurate information about the Downs risk, if that is an issue for you? I didn't have the test myself so am not sure how it works, but think you can have a more specific scan/test to determine your personal risk at this time?

thanks Minitoot for reading. I am managing to bring up my children as at the moment can hear with two hearing aids (hardly anything with none) but my hearing is deteriotating each ear. I can get a test at 11 weeks which will give me more information on downs - at my age it is 1-50. i dont really want to have a termination but think should i be happy with the two I have. I just wish the doctor was more conforting to me ie congratulate me rather than saying you are 44 how do you feel? But thanks.

I was 31 when i got pregnant and the first thing my GP said to me was "are you happy about this or do we need to talk about options". I think some people are just insensitive muppets!

Think about logistics - room / money / work etc. If you don't want a termination there are ways around them all; for what it's worth I don't think relying on sign language when they are teenagers will be a problem - they will be brought up using it so will seem completely normal.

If you do decide to terminate then that's your and your DH's decision and no one will judge you for it.

I just want to offer some support. I have no answers. But I also want to say congratulations to you, whatever happens. It's a bummer that the doctor never said that to you, so I feel a need to say it on his / her behalf!

Whatever decision you make, you will have a lot of support on MN.

It seems Gp's have a habit of making pregnant women feel even more nervous than necessary Im an older mum and upon telling him i was pregnant for the 1st time my gp first said to me "so i assume you will be keeping it" er thanks for that.

I dont have any advice at all, ive never been in your position but appreciate its such a difficult time at the moment for you and your partner. I do agree with the above poster that its your character not your age that determines how your child will grow into a young adult. and also as he/she will grow up around sign language that too wouldn't be an issue, more of a valuable life skill really.

How did you feel before you visited your gp? it sounds like she has put you on a downer about it all, but you really shouldn't base your decisions on anyone else's advise, you need to discuss it rationally with your partner weighing up your own pros and cons list between just the 2 of you and whatever you decide i wish you the best of luck.

I am 44 and have just had my second baby - don't worry about your age until scans etc prove that you need to consider it.

It is a big shock DD2 was for us too - it took us some time to come to terms with it and DH had as many problems as I did - it wasn't 'in our plan' and we thought we had finished our family. I was 40. You need some time to come to terms with being pregnant and then you can start to think about what you want to do about it- it is a huge shock so don't put pressure on yourself to decide anything right now - statistically there is a much higher risk of Downs as you get older but that doesn't mean there aren't loads of children born to older mothers who have been fine. You can get early testing but decide how you feel about all options before you go ahead - we didn't test for DD2 I knew we'd be told there was a high risk but we (after a long and difficult few weeks) had put our minds to the fact that we were going to have another baby. I'm so glad we did - she has just turned 5 and is a delight- completly different from the other 2 .
Everyone's circumstances are different and whatever decision you make you need to know it is the right one for you- whichever way you decide you will have to live with your decision. Financial and emotional circumstances and what support you will get (for either decision) all make a difference. Long term considerations as well, holidays are far more expensive with a family of 5, you might need a bigger car - all those things were reasons DH gave not to go ahead - he's right we can't stay in hotels without having to book two rooms , but then again we can't afford to stay in hotels.
Give yourself some time to get over the shock then find someone you can talk at - not for advice but so you can talk through all your emotions - someone who won't make you feel guilty for feeling the way you do- or write every thing you feel down - get it all out and then you can start to think rationally about what you're going to do.
Remember there will always be someone here on MN who has gone through the same thing already so keep posting.
Good luck xxxxx

Thanks very much everyone for your kinds words. I felt ok bf going to the doctors I thought ok it a shock but it will be ok and the docs will say there are lots more older mums. I think she just made me think oh no it is a mistake. But I think i will wait til i have the scan and see what the outcome is and then decide. You are all a very nice bunch of mn - thank you. I feel a lot better now. I will keep you informed.

Hi puch
Oh cricky, your GP was really out of line by not seeing the positives too.
My Aunty had her last child at 44 and he is the brightest DS they have! He's also the most sportiest, he's doing his GCSEs now and my Aunty is 60 this year. It seems to be all great. I think that you are only as old as you feel and with young people around she feels young herself and you'd never guess she is 60 as she's so into what the kids are into.
I will be 39 when we have our first LO this year and well, people have pointed out that when they're 21 I'll be 60 - at first, I was a little shocked but nope, all is good with this because I'll hopefully have more time than my parents had with me, to spend whilst they are growing up.

By the way, congratulations!!!
If anything else, it must be nice to know you are still obviously very young and healthy!

Hi OP, sorry to hear what a negative experience you had at the Doctor. I really think peoples reactions make a huge difference to how you can feel about a pregnancy. Please don't let her reaction put you off.

I think it's a very good idea to go with your own instincts. Like you said wait until the scan and just take one step at a time. Please don't worry about 15 years down the line. Many happy children are brought up with deaf parents, I wouldn't let that stand in your way. The babies older siblings will be a big support too.

I'm 42 and 4.5 months pregnant and was very nervous at first. I did the downs scan and thankfully got good results. I just decided to take one step at a time which is all we can do in life !!! I'm taking nothing for granted but just one day at a time.

I'd like to say congratulations too, there are plenty of us older Mammys on here so you're in good company

thanks again for all your replies. You all have made have positive thoughts. thank you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. It's good to hear you have more positive thoughts and you are waiting to see the scan before you make any decisions. Whatever you decide we are all here for you.