First pregnancy at 38, and completely unsure I want it

[NewMomRYM]

Hi Everyone,
I have never posted here or any any similar sites before. this is all very new to me. I just found out that I'm pregnant the other day. My husband and I are both 38, and we don't have any children. We said that we'd try to get pregnant, but didn't go out of our way to become pregnant. We just said that if it happens that would be great, but if it doesn't we will deal with that too. Well, I took a pregnancy test Sunday morning and it was positive. I was completely terrified and started to cry, but not because I was happy, but more because I was upset, confused and completely unsure. it's one thing to want to have kids in theory, but the reality of being pregnant comes with unexpeted emotions. I thought I would be so happy and excited, but I'm not at all. the opposite...Now I'm not even sure that I want to have a baby. I keep thinking about how my life will change forever and that I'll completely lose my freedom to do what I want when I want. I'm sorry if this sounds selfish, but I'm being honest about my feelings. I read other posts where people have very similar feelings so I'm sure it's not abnormal. I also read that many people felt this way, and then felt overjoyed when the baby was born. I hope my feelings will change. None of my friends have kids, and I'll be the first one, and I don't feel that they can relate to what I am going through because of this. Luckily, my husband is very supportive. he is thrilled about the pregnancy. I wish I was too, but I'm not feeling that way. I worry that I'll feel this way my entire pregnancy, and that I will not feel like I'm able to bond with my baby. Sometime I feel so low, that I almost wish this was a false alarm or like I would be so relieved if I found out that I really wasn't pregnant. I just wanted to hear from other people who've been through this before. Is there anything I can do to start getting more excited about the pregnancy and having a child? Thank you for taking the time read this and for any words or insights you can share.

We tried for 7+ years for number 2 and gave up and then I discovered I was pregnant (after I'd been on the pill for a year!). Had very similar thoughts esp as dc1 is now reaching the stage of having real independence so it's like starting at the very beginning again. Happy to say I'm now 30 weeks and completely fine with it and looking forward to the new arrival.

I have exactly the same feelings! I’m 45 and got pregnant after 4 IVF! Now that I’m pregnant I’m sooo unhappy and confused. I love kids and I always wanted to be a mother. I lost my mother about 3 years ago and I thought having a child would be the only thing in the world that can help me not to suffer much from the loss of my mom. I’m not happy with my husband at all and we have a super cold life. On the other hand this is my last chance to be a mother :(( terribly confused!! Please advise

Super glad I found this and was able to read the stories. Similar situation, 33 years old, boyfriend and I have spoke about having a baby but I wasn’t ready. I wanted to pay off my 20k credit card debt, I just started a business with my brother and friend a year ago, I can barely support myself, I’m happy to have enough to cover my bills, I wanted to leave the country because I’ve never been aboard. And then I started feeling these cramps and no period. And then the stupid stick said “pregnant”. Found out yesterday, cried all day yesterday, hyperventilated. Wrote a reasons for and against list this morning. Talked with a BFF who this happened to 6 years ago. She’s now pregnant with her 3rd and then spoke with another BFF who said she had resentment when she had her child. And I am a very indecisive person. And icing on the topping is that my mom and I are just getting back on speaking terms after she “disowned” for being in an interracial relationship. So there’s that. Oh, and I wanted to lose like 30 lbs cuz I’m overweight. But I wanted to be a mom, but I wanted 1 more year to get on my feet. What am I going to do for support? I was not ready for this....

Hi @Scarednew33

I totally understand how you feel right now. I was in the same situation 2 months ago and posted on here for advice too.

It helped me to read these stories and know that other people had feelings like mine and that it is NORMAL to feel like that.

I have been considering abortion and I had lots of counselling with both Marie stopes and private therapist but at the end of the day I had to make my decision on my own. And I am so very indecisive too. With everything in life.

I can only tell you that after changing my mind like 20 times at some point I stopped fighting my feelings and myself and I accepted that it is ok to be scared and it is ok to not know what is the “right” choice, but I have made the decision I can best live with between the 2 and I hope I won’t regret it.

I am now 4 months and I am still not that into the idea, but I am trusting that everything will fit in the new order of things and that it will be ok. Or at least I am telling this to myself cause at the end of the day we make our choices based on the information that we have at the present moment and so there is not right or wrong, but was it is right in the present moment and future will have to adapt.

I guess what I am trying to tell you is, try not to stress yourself out or put too much pressure to make the “right” decision or to make it “fast”. You have time to let the news sink in and don’t be too harsh on yourself for being indecisive. This is not an easy decision for anyone.

All the best xxx

I came across this thread yesterday as I am currently in a similar situation... I'm 37, husband is 45. I'd never been maternal and for years didn't want kids, but a couple of years ago I realised I didn't want to rule it out completely so came off the pill and we decided to leave it to fate, thinking we'd be happy either way. We were very half hearted about "trying" and I was never quite sure which way I wanted it to go, and after 2 years, we pretty much gave up on the idea and started to plan for a future without kids, which was a relief. Then boom. 2 weeks ago I found out i was pregnant.

Cue: complete meltdown, severe anxiety, uncontrollable crying, because I don't want a baby but now it has happened I feel I have to go through with it. But I am petrified of EVERYTHING to do with the situation - that it will ruin our lives, that I won't be able to cope emotionally, that when it arrives I STILL won't feel maternal and won't be able to love it, that my life is over, that this is a huge mistake. I don't feel any excitement, just sheer terror.

I always said I'd never have an abortion, but yet I have seriously considered it in recent days. But then feel it wouldn't be "right". We are in a stable financial situation, we have supportive family, a settled life... but I just can't picture us with a baby. The timing was just unbelievable as we had just reached the decision to not have kids but didn't act decisively enough (I think we'd naively convinced ourselves we couldn't conceive!)

Finding this thread has reassured me immensely that I'm not "abnormal" for feeling this way, and that maybe it will be ok in the end, despite how I feel now. Keen to hear any updates from previous posters!

Hello and thank you so much to everyone that was generous to post on this topic. I know it's an old thread but, god I was so grateful to read it today. THANK YOU.
It's 2020, and it's still taboo for people who can get pregnant, to talk about either regretting their pregnancy or being completely unsure they want to be a parent. You have all lifted a weight off me today.
I'm 38, long term partner is 42 and has always wanted kids. I have struggled with the idea. Recently, he made the decision that we need to just "go for it". I felt like I had been living on borrowed time before that, and once he said those words I swear, my blood ran cold.
Please understand I know I have a say, but if I decided now not to try for a baby I'm pretty sure my relationship would not survive.
My job relies on me being able to up and leave at anytime, and to give 100% of myself to each project. My freedom is everything to me (yes, selfish, no, not unusual). I've also got a weird family. Who doesn't? I think I have mothering hang ups because of it.
I am another person who is terrible with change. I think my gut says I will make being a parent work, and it's the "right" thing to do - but my thoughts on the matter change daily.
I have no wisdom to post here. Just felt I had no right getting comfort from all of your posts, without sharing a little bit.

Hi,
I’ve just been reading this thread trying to look for something that’s going to make me feel more “normal” about finding out I’m pregnant.
I’m 31, my husband is 33. We’ve been married just over a year. My husband has always wanted children. I have always been the kind to not be bothered. Classing myself as not maternal.
We have had many conversations about having a baby, normally resulting in me feeling uncomfortable and anxious and putting it off.
My husband and I decided for me to come off the depo injection last year, thinking it would give me a year minimum to “come to terms” with the idea as depo takes the longest to conceive. It’s taken 9 months after the depo and I’m pregnant. We weren’t actively trying at all. I feel like my world has fallen in. I can’t stop crying and feel like the worst person in the world. He is so happy and I just want to be that excited person for him. But I am questioning everything and am not sure if going through with this pregnancy is the best thing to do. I just honestly don’t know what to do for the best. He is trying to be supportive but I think he can see what this is doing to me. :(

Yep same here, took a while to get pregnant but wasn’t “trying” just seeing what happened. I’ve had bursts of excitement 😂 after 20 week scan, then it dies off for a bit, I was more worried than excited most the time, I’m due tomorrow and still go from excited and ready to oh my god what have I done. I’ll be 36 next month and also first of my close friends to have a baby, I still don’t feel like I’m grown up enough!
It’s daunting giving up your freedom.

@Colsnero you might be suffering from antenatal depression, I have had this in both my pregnancies and it's awful.

How you're feeling is totally normal!

@newmomsi39 I googled the same thing as I have been struggling to come to terms with the idea of being pregnant and this feed has helped reassure me so much.
I am 34 and almost 8 weeks with our first. We had been trying for two years and desperately wanted kids but now I'm pregnant I feel so unsure.
Same as you we live a very comfortable life, I have a good career and we enjoy traveling & our freedom. I worry that I'm not ready to give that up? I've been very honest with my partner and he's been very open with me that he has fears too, but tries to reassure me that it's normal.
I've felt particularly sick the last 2 weeks which hasn't helped at all. I'm not a sickly person so when I feel ill it's the end of the world!!
I don't feel bonded with my baby at all just yet, to be honest it's all a little surreal. I keep wanting to take another test to make sure I'm not losing my mind!! It's hard to feel connected to something that you can't feel is even there. Covid hasn't helped as my first midwife appointments will all be over the telephone until my scan, so I will likely be in my second trimester before I 'see' anyone (I don't know if that's normal?)
It keep thinking about friends of ours with kids and wondering how they have coped! I am lucky to be working from home, I can't even begin to imagine going in to an office everyday feeling this way and keeping it all a secret.
So reassuring to read this thread however and know that it's more common than you think to feel this way!!

I'm 39 and 9 weeks pregnant and thinking about the fact that time is running out to take the abortion pill! I sound like a monster but the feelings of sickness, nausea, tiredness and anxiety are not helping. I've never been a baby person, never even liked babies and have always been happy to hand a baby back to their parents after holding it for like 10seconds. My husband who is 42 on the other hand has wanted kids for years so I felt bad denying him this after years of just saying no. I felt that with multiple fibroids the chances of me remaining pregnant are low anyway. When I first realised I was pregnant, I cried uncontrollably and went to ER. It wasn't viable and my period came a few days later. I was so relieved. It happened again 4 months later and this time lasted 6 weeks. When it went, I was relieved but also a little traumatised. It has a huge effect on your body. When it happened again 7 months later, I had the same feelings. Terror and then relief. However this time is different. I am 9 weeks along now and I have a feeling its here to stay. I am having major doubts though. On the one hand I may never have the chance to have a child again being 39.5 and having multiple fibroids. On the other hand I enjoy being free and independent. I don't want my life to revolve around a baby. Should I keep it? Your advice would be appreciated!

I'm grateful to read that other people are feeling this way. I've been obsessively reading about pregnancy online and there's plenty about feeling afraid of miscarriage, but so little about feeling afraid you've made a mistake or if you want a child.

I've always wanted children. I've been pregnant once before, but had an early abortion because I felt total despair when I took the test and went in to meltdown. I felt like I'd been invaded and had my future taken away. The abortion felt like a massive relief, so I can't regret it.

Fast forward and I returned to wanting children, not understanding what had gone wrong. Fell pregnant at the first month of trying, and now all the same feelings have resurfaced.

We're keeping the baby, but I have a nagging worry that I'll be an awful mother, won't love the child and will mourn my freedom.

I'm hoping that once I have a bump, see a scan, I might feel a connection.

Would love to hear any updates, I see this thread dates back some!

I’ve just come across this thread and I have been feeling exactly the same. I’ve found out I’m pregnant for the 3rd time & I am absolutely petrified! I’ve been hysterically crying (not happy tears) and have wound myself up to feeling really ill with worry and anxiety. I’m 39 but will be 40 at full term and the increase in risks are scaring me so much. I don’t know how to feel better but I have to do something as this feeling is the worst! Advice gratefully received!

I’m so glad I came across this thread, @littlepina you made me cry with laughter on a bit of a miserable day. I’m 39 and found out Monday I’m 5wks and have felt so many different emotions ever since, sad, happy, scared…. But good to know other mums to be felt this way too. I’d love to know how some of you feel now….. no regrets?!

Sadly I’ve had a miscarriage at 8 weeks and it’s been awful and I’ve been devastated. I’m not sure how to move forward as fear any future tries will end the same way 😞

So glad to have found this thread! I'm 36 and just found out that I'm 4 weeks pregnant after deciding to roll the dice and it working first time! I didn't expect this to happen so fast and now it's real, I'm really debating whether to go ahead (we both are). We never imagined having kids and I worry that the pandemic and being confined at home for so long has brought this on, rather than it being something we actually want in our future. We are both sociable people who have been left twiddling our thumbs a bit during this pandemic.

I'm trying to find a healthcare professional to speak to before it's too late to take action, but no idea what orgs are out there? I'm interested to know what you decided in the end @Tobeornottobe2021?