visiting when home from hospital? your experiences?

[Cazm2]

Hi all my first child is due in 8 weeks. I lost my first preg ended in mmc which we found out at scan. My mil is very over bearing some of which I understand as first grandchild but her and sil have started to take over buying things when I have said I won't be using things etc. I am now worrying about situation when I arrive home I know that if I don't have any ground rules about when is ok to come over she will be here from 9 in morning till whenever she will also expect Dh to make tea etc she does this now. My sister warned me how tiring it is we first also trying to establish breastfeeding etc. I would ideally like no visitors for first few days but Dh won't have this. Do you think its unreasonable to say maybe visitors after certain time in afternoon? How did you get people to leave?

What on earth does your dh mean he won't have it? It's your house too and you're the one going to be recovering from the birth and establishing feeding. I've not been bothered by this with my 2, but this time round (am also 32 weeks) it's crossed my mind that I don't actually want my house filled up with visitors, not least for the dc's sake. I want to get ourselves a little routine established first, ensure the dc are ok and then people ar welcome to visit. The golden rule is that people who come bring biscuits and don't outstay their welcome . My family all live far away anyway so it's not like they can just pop in, and dp's family live right next to the hospital so the chances are we'll call in on them on our way home. I don't think yabu at all. YOur dh needs to listen to your concerns I think.

God I hated people coming around to visit in that 1st 2 weeks. I couldnt get my boob out to try and feed dd without an auntie or someone knocking on the door. Just say 'no' now and get the bad feeling out of the way; by the time baby arrives mil will have had to just suck it up and accept it. Tough tits if she doesnt like it really isnt it?

text before you visit rule is a must and they can only come round if they get a text back saying yes

my parents were really good, they lived 2 hours away, would come for half an hour or so, disappear off for some lunch, come back after an hour bringing me something to eat, and they stay for another hour

MIL would have moved in if she could -drove me potty

kept going on about the possibility of me haemorraging? wtf

after 3 days I very emotionally told her to back off so she told DP that I had PND and he should call the docs -i didn't I was just very tired and very pissed off!

I set some rules. That everyone must leave by 7pm so I can settle baby into a regular bedtime routine. My dp mother didn't visit for a week after I gave birth but then turned up till 9pm in which I was furious. She explained that she had to do her weekly shop first and took up all the room on sofa with her downtrodden husband. Wouldnt of normally minded but I'd had complications after birth which resulted in me being cut then tearing then stitches splitting open and a severe infection. So I was in agony and had to sit on the floor and grit my teeth. After her visit told dp to tell her to come early and guess what she didn't visit again. Bingo. Ds is 1 now and she's visited 3 times

No entry without pie.

Limit visitors to certain times, say 2to 5 pm.

I think it would be a shame to completely ban visitors - this is a huge thing for grandparents, their child having a child, and it could really upset them.

However, setting out some rules - especially for your DH to support you with - will help you to cope with them. For example, thinking about 'jobs' for them to do will mean they are being practical and takes the focus off you (putting washing on, washing up, picking up shopping, looking after baby while you shower etc). Another good idea is for you and DH to think of what they might do 'wrong' and how you can best react to it - think up phrases/excuses as to why they can't stay any longer or signals to let DH know that you are about to explode if they wake up baby or how you will tell them that you would rather breastfeed in private until you get the hang of it and it's most comfy in that chair they're using or how you will simply say "while she's asleep, I'm just going to nap" when required no matter how rude it feels or how DH will take them for a walk to give you some alone time!

I found my inlaws really did want to help us, but sometimes their ideas of help were not the same as mine and I needed DH to interpret for me!

Thanks ladies. I think Dh doesn't want to upset mil. I know my parents won't be like it they weren't with my sister. My mum made dinners and cakes for visitors for my sister and was around for half hours at most I was also conscious of leaving before 6. I guess I just don't want to sound,mean to people. Trouble is if I drop hints now or my feelings with mil she will kick up fuss with Dh has already done this with other baby related things when I am not there. I know some of it is meant well but I already feel like my decisions and baby are being taken away. I also know I am hormonal!!

Baby bouncer if mil would do those things it would be great but doesn't happen. Husband had a major knee op when I was 4 months suffering terrible sickness he was told to stay off feet but she couldn't even make herself a cup of tea!!! Waited for my husband as I was in bathroom puking!

You will find that you just become a bit more rude when you have a tiny baby!!

I was MUCH better at asking for help with jobs (not done any of my ironing for nearly 3 months now!), I NEVER make the tea and most people can find their way to the kettle even if I have to shout from the lounge where the cups live! Try and balance the amount of time you let other people cuddle the baby.. you'll miss her if they get all the cuddling. but also when someone is around that you are happy to cuddle the baby GET SOME SLEEP... 10 minutes will make all the difference.

Finally, we started telling horror stories of things we'd read.. so a babymoon when you don't let anyone visit for 2 weeks, or that to let the baby bond with mum and dad no one else can cuddle him for 6 weeks. It just put the seed i not grandparents' heads that we might not want them round all the time cuddling. then when we did let them have 10 minutes with him they thought we were being REALLY kind!!!

congratulations and good luck!

oh and always walk through the door first.. so you get to pick the comfy chair and they are still standing so you can say.. oh do you want to make tea??

Oh I totally feel your pain op! Exactly same situation for me. I'm 33 weeks and my mil is very over bearing as well as very excited. I've already said no visitors at hospital unless i'm in for days and this has caused endless tears from her and I bet you anything she'll turn up anyway. My plan is not to get stressed about it and just be honest. Going to say only visit once home if confirmed by text first and do not just turn up and then proceed to try open the door or peer thru the window. Which i've had both of already and baby isn't even here yet! Also i'm buying a baby wrap sling type thing so baby spends most time with me and people just cant pick her up or take her off me!

Just a thought, but I reckon that most grandparents want to show off their new grandchildren. Could you take advantage of this by arranging for the mil to take the baby out for a walk at a set time, with a clear brief that she is to be no more than an hour incase DC wants fed again? I always found that my DCs fell into a pretty sound sleep after a breastfeed and I'm wondering if I could try this when DC3 is born. It'd give me a chance to sleep or play with DCs 1 and 2, who may well feel a bit neglected.

My rule was that everyone had to bring food ( not buscuits, real food i could freeze and heat up for dinner) or do a chore - do NOT do the chores while they hold the baby!

I actually fell asleep twice when guests didn't go. I was very tired and they weren't taking hints.

Thanks these are all so helpful! Alligator see I think that's what will happen and I will get cross as I think its so inconsiderate!

with DC1 it was a nightmare! people i hadnt seen in years "popped round" and my mother was there constantly for 2 weeks... i was wrecked and trying to sleep and feed and cope with a newborn is hard enough without people hanging around expecting to be fed! (mother is useless though, im sure theyre not all that bad!)

With DC2 it wasnt anywhere near as bad as i dont have many friends where we live now and mother is actually closer so didnt decide to half move in for a few weeks.

just tell them what you want, and like others have said make them help if they do come.

if you pee them off they will get over it. you and your baby are whats important here not their self gratification. they can fuss and coo just as much when baby is a month old! :)

I feel your pain. This is the thing that's worrying me most - more than the birth!

My PILs live abroad, they mean well but my MIL can be overbearing and my FIL quite hard work. MIL insists she wants to come when baby first arrives as I will need 24hr (!) practical help. She thinks this based on what happened in her own family so sees it as a non-negotiable duty.

Frankly, I can't think of anything worse! My own family live nearby, are amazingly helpful and won't interfere, and DH is brilliant, so I'll already have plenty of support on hand. Like the rest of you, I only want to see people for a couple of hours at a time max. We have a small house and it can be really intensive having PILs to stay under normal circumstances. I've convinced them it's going to be too much of a squeeze if they stay so they've sorted out other accommodation, but MIL still intends to be there at the crack of dawn so she is 'on hand'. Her parenting philosophy in no way chimes with mine, and I can imagine myself just holing up in the nursery to avoid her and try and establish BF in peace.

All I really want is to have those first few precious days with DH and the bub on our own (most of the time, anyway), esp. as DH won't get that much time off work. I know as grandparents it's really exciting for them but I do feel it's imposing too much.

I've asked DH if he can try to limit the length of their visit and manage MILs expecations of lengths of visits each day, but he's afraid of upsetting her and says we should just deal with it when it happens...gah!