Telling work and telling mum, advice please!

[louisdog]

Hi all

I am nearly 16 weeks pregnant and so far only OH and a few friends know. I am stuck on two things and hoped you may all have some advice.

1. When do most people tell work? I am thinking of telling them soon as it will be easier with appointments etc plus help them plan ahead for my cover.

I work from home full time and my boss is in the US, I don't really have any relationship with him (and barely any contact with him).

I will be telling him by email, and not really sure how to word it/how much to write? I guess it should be quite formal, is there a standard working that should be used?

2. My mum is a narcissistic alcoholic (since I was 10 or 11) whom I have a very poor relationship with, Dad is nice but under the thumb. For years Mum caused trouble by going on about when I was going to have children (36yo, married since '97, childfree by choice until now) and ranted that I prefer my f'ing dogs (I have a couple of spaniels) to kids, etc etc.

The latest couple of "conversations" we had about this were a year or two ago, and she told me I was too old now anyway and that if I ever did have a baby "it would be deformed". Since then I haven't allowed her to raise the subject again (well, just blanked her when she did).

Those comments really upset me as they were so nasty, and stuck in my mind.

I don't really want to tell her until after the 20 week scan just in case, but I guess I am not really being logical? Also I feel like I can't really tell anyone else until parents know. But I don't really want them to know! She will be on the phone to all her cronies boasting and gossiping.

I am not really sure what I am asking. Maybe just should I tell her now or what? And could I get away with just emailing a really short message to her and Dad about it? They live in same village as OH's Mum, and we want to tell his family soon so I suppose I will just have to do it won't I. And hope nothing goes wrong with pregnancy, and that they aren't too overbearing or critical about it.

Sorry for the long essay! I thought writing it down would help but now I feel more confused! Anyone else had anything like this?

Thanks for reading!

Hmm, hard, work wise I think as your boss is in the US I would look up the American maternity policy. In the uk you just have to tell work by 15 weeks before your due date. I am assuming you are UK based so you would have paperwork like MATB1 (says your expected due date, signed by medical prof any time after 20 weeks for the purposes of organising maternity leave), but I have no idea how it would work for you. Anyway a short email saying you are notifying them of your due date and asking what procedures/paperwork you need to fill. Can be very basic.
I think you are going to have to tell both sets of parents at the same time. I would be tempted in your situation just to leave it until your 20 week scan as it isn't far off and then you don't have your Mum putting horrible ideas in your head before your scan. However, neither of these things are worth getting stressed/upset over and if you want to email it go ahead!

Thanks for the replies, it's a big company with a UK arm (who are my employers on payslips etc) and I will get the UK package but had forgotten how bad the US one is - I must make it clear and link to the UK package or he will only be expecting me to be off for a few weeks!

I can't wait until after the scan to tell OH's family as we have a big get-together soon and it will be obvious (slight bump and no drinking!) and not sure whether I can ask them not to tell anyone so it's tricky.

Reason I thought of emailing mine (apart from that I don't want to have that convo with them) is partly as well because we never see each other even though they are less than half hour away.

Maybe I can just tell my sister, who I would like to know, and leave actual parents for a bit... will they think it's dead odd to only hear after 20 weeks though?

I find it odder when people make it common knowledge the minute they get a pos wee stick tbh! Your baby, your pregnancy you do as you like! Tell your sister only if you can face her telling your parents or them finding it out.

As for work, do you not have management/HR based in the uk who would deal with your leave? seems odd if you don't.

Yeah I feel like I don't quite want the whole world to know yet! Sis prob wouldn't tell as she has bad relationship with my Mum as well but I guess it wouldn't be a huge deal if she did.

No management in UK, well not unless I go a few layers up, but there is an HR contact; maybe I should cc her on the email to boss or address it to them both.

Could you send your mum a card explaining you are pregnant? Then you won't have to do it face to face? You could maybe explain its not public knowledge as you are waiting for 20 week scan but then she will know? Congratulations by the way!