This is how I feel at 23 wks....

[Mumonajourney]

Hi everyone,
Not posted before, but have been reading posts on here every since I got pregnant and I must say these forums have really kept me going over the last few months as being pregnant can be a lonely place at times.
Just wanted to share how I feel at the moment and get it off my chest. This is my first pregnancy and it is one that I never thought I would have. I married an older man who was never very keen on having more children (already children from a previous marriage), but some how over the years we have been together, we came to the decision that we would have a child. Also I have always been overweight and was worried about the problems I would have losing the baby weight after. So for me having this baby seems almost unreal, as she is something I didn't think I would ever get.
I have spent my whole pregnancy worried that I will miscarry or something will go wrong (like I know many of you also do). However there is something extra in my mind that keep popping up. A number of years ago I worked in a termination clinic, I was involved in assisting with the terminations and saw babies at various stages of development. I feel haunted by my memories of those babies and have been able to visualise what my baby might look like as the weeks have gone on. (by the way I am not against abortion, just regret ever working in that clinic).
Anyway lastly wanted to say about my struggle buying things for the baby and wanted to know how others feel. I know I am now 23 wks, so very unlikely that anything will go wrong now, but everytime I go and buy items I keep going through in my mind what I would do with the things if my baby didn't make it, it is really taking the pleasure out of things. However I have managed to buy things anyway because of the Jan sales I could resist the money I would save and my husband keeps encourging me to get things (already have a cot, changing table, lots of clothes ect..
Thanks for reading my ramble, buy for now...

Hi Mumonajourney, I know what you mean about pregnancy feeling lonely. I'll be 23 weeks tomorrow, and I've been surprised by all kinds of good and bad feelings about it. I somehow never expected to have a healthy pregnancy, though there's no real reason why not. I just don't dare be optimistic sometimes, I think. I can't imagine how much harder your experience in the clinic must make it all. I know I've avoided Google searches for the number of weeks I am, just because it sometimes turns up images like that, and I can't really work out how they make me feel, other than that I wish I hadn't seen them. You're doing better than me on the shopping -- I have one babygrow, and a second hand moses basket. The sales just felt all too soon, I felt like a fraud in baby departments. I still don't really have the urge to buy anything, I find it quite suprising how unreal it all still feels, even though the bump is getting obvious. I do look at baby stuff, but it doesn't feel like it's for me just yet, somehow.

Anyway, not much of an answer, just wanted you to know someone was listening, and you touched a chord which made me feel like writing my own spiel.

Hi mumonajourney, most of it sounds quite familiar to me too.

Last time, I was itching to start buying kit and clothes but felt really superstitious about doing so before the 20 week scan. I even felt like a bit of a fraud buying maternity clothes! The protective mummy bear hormones seem to kick in with the bfp for lots of people, which makes it a hairy ride when you can't see (or feel, for lots of it) the thing which now matters most in the world to you.

I can understand how working in the termination clinic must have effected you. There are a couple of things (one of which is the Jamie bulgar story) which I simply cannot let myself think about for the sake of my sanity.

I suspect there's a fine line between normal mummy protectiveness (which can send a formally sane woman a little crazy) and anxiety/depression and I'm not entirely sure where it falls... it's worth a chat with GP if you think it might be the latter?

It is very easy to have these dark thoughts! I think it is because we want the baby so much, the other side of that is the realisation of what we would lose. But you can't live (or love) without taking risks, so we have to keep going!

I had almost the opposite as I got pregnant very quickly when I wasn't really ready to admit the way my life was about to change. I didn't see how I would get pleasure from buying things the way I know other people did. I didn't buy anything until my SIL dragged me to a Nearly New Sale at about 27 weeks.

So I suppose what I'm saying is that you don't have to worry about buying things now - you can get it later if that feels more 'right' for you.

Thank you everyone for your comments, it is nice to know many of us have similar thoughts/ideas about being pregnant.
Good luck everyone with your pregnancies.

Ive found it a pretty stressful time too and still am to be fair at 28 weeks, Ive bought a lot of practical stuff but just cannot bring myself to buy clothes somehow that makes it more real to me and makes me think that a loss would be even harder to bear. I thinks its a good old fashioned case of hormones for me and the fact that I desperately want this baby, Im sure we we'll all still be panicked even when they arrive :)

I am just not feeling it either. I am 23 weeks but I just don't like the idea of buying anything for the baby. I am so paranoid about all sorts happening. Someone who I work with is due the same day and they have bought tons but I don't even have the nursery cleared.