advice and help needed on unsupportive husband

[fir1]

Im 3 months pregnant with our 2nd,but now he says he doesnt want it and is desperate for me to terminate..we moved 6 months ago to be closer to his family, so i feel isolated and very lonely....im at my wits end as i dont know what to do, our daughter is 4 and a very happy little girl,but he thinks having a baby will have a severe affect on her, also financialy as he is the bread winner he thinks its to much, as we loose childbenifit later this yr...he is also very concerned about the demands on him with regards to sleepless nights,as he has to commute now to get to work which involves very long days.
I feel like screaming so loudly,our relationship is struggling now because of this....i really want this baby as we both agreed before hand,so im just so confused.. and feeling very guilty bout our little girl i really dont want to hurt her in any way.

A termination is a really difficult choice, and to be honest i think if you go through with it due to nagging you will always regret it and resent it, and it will end up damaging if not destroying your relationship. Only have a termination if it is really what you think is best, not through guilt to the father.

Is he just panicking by any chance? Are you saying that you both agreed beforehand to have this second child? His reasons for not wanting a second child at the moment don't seem very solid tbh. I can't see what he means about the negative effects on your first child. Perhaps you could elaborate. I am about to have my second child after a similar gap and can only see benefits for my ds for having a sibling. Sleeping arrangements could be managed so that the effect on his sleep is minimised during the week. Losing child benefit can't really be the clincher if he has a wage that takes him into the 40% tax bracket. What do you think might be going on in his head? Really? If you long for this child, how would you feel about being pressured into terminating this pregnancy?

He sounds like a total wanker, sorry.

What are his good points?

I agree with Stop sounds like he's panicking and you need to have a serious chat about why. As he's given you some (very poor) 'reasons' for the change of heart, think about ways to overcome these before talking to him about them. If you counter his arguments (I can't for this life of me think what 'damage' having a second will do your DD!), he may calm down and see sense.
He needs to know that having a baby isn't like ordering a new pair of jeans - he can't (or shouldn't) just expect you to just change your mind once the delivery is on it's way.

If he's still of the same mindset after your discussion, then I think he's behaving terribly towards you and would have to agree with Rhinestone

So sorry you're going through this.

Nobody would seriously terminate a pregnancy that they had tried for, in the second trimester, just because they might miss out on 12 quid a week in child benefit.
What damage is having a baby going to do to your elder child? most of the rest of us managed to grow up with brothers and sisters without any lasting damage!
There must be more to this than the financial aspect. I can't seriously believe any man who is already a father would try for a pregnancy and then try to get you to terminate after three months for such rubbish reasons.

There is no way on earth I would go through with something like that.

Thankyou for your response's,im going to talk to him later.....
I think he thinks our daughter would feel put out/as she has been only child for 4 years,i think they adapt well and aslongs as she still gets some 1 on 1 she will be fine...its all such a mess really.
He is a very dittached man and doesnt like change...bit ocd..tunnel visioned.
Thankyou again

I'm worried about him. I think there's something else going on. Such an about-face like that is odd. Hope you get some answers.

Yes but even if he doesn't like change and can be a bit odd, that's a far cry from asking you to terminate his child, a pregnancy that was planned. Does he understand what a second trimester abortion would actually involve when he asks you to end this pregnancy? Perhaps if he had a clear idea of what he is actually asking you to do he might change his ideas, but i personally would still be beyond horrified that he had ever suggested it in the first place.
for me, a man voluntarily impregnating me and then demanding I have a termination would be a total dealbreaker but perhaps there are some other issues going on here.
Last time there was a thread of this nature another woman was involved.

I know there isnt another woman involved, so thats a no ...he would be incapable of it.
I dont think he understands what it does involve at this stage,he still thinks its just a few cells.
And i am horrified ,i think its horrendous....i know that in my head its always going to be there at the end of the day..

hasn't he seen the scan pictures? Your at least 14 weeks, so if you have had a scan he can see it isn't a bunch of cells.
You should lay it out to him what a termination would involve at this stage, and the possible medical and MH implications it could have for you, and the fact that your marridge could well fail because of how awfully he has treated you, and would that be a good thing for your daughter?

Having a sibling can only be a good thing for a child so long as the parents make it so.

Hi

Ive spoken with him told him at this stage what it involves...told him its not something im considering...so he atleast knows what my opinion is.
I told him its not something he needs to be involved with and im prefectly capable of doing it on my own..He is now not talking to me at all,and in the same way making me feel guilty with the silent treatment. Im going to make enquires get forms on what is avaliable to me with regards to housing as we own our house so not sure where i stand, and also see how he reacts to loosing his family.

So sorry about your situation but it sounds like you are doing what you need to do. Hope it works out for you. Cant for the life of me understand what your dh is thinking - even ocd etc doesnt truly explain his thinking.

He might come around when he realises things are not going to change to suit him. After all, you've had one baby together already, at least he knows what to expect.

I'm sorry that you are in this position. It must be stressful and hurtful. Please involve a good friend or family member at this time to provide support for you, I'd hate to think of you dealing with this alone.

Again thankyou,
but i dont have anyone where we are...my mother died when my daughter was 7 months and i only have brothers,who if involved them would not be very happy with him and i dont want to worsen the situation, Its only his family where we are ,the freinds i have made arnt close freinds yet...its so hard as i go sleep crying and wake up crying,i just dont know what to do,really wish my mum was still here even if just for a hug

Unfortunately when my ex-H had an about turn with baby no.2 (blamed originally on work stress, finances, impact on DD) it was because he had managed to get his mistress of 2weeks pregnant. I'm sorry to be so suspicious/negative. I would totally expect you to be upset with his response (and because he is not talking to you now I imagine that's tough). This is not your fault, try to keep talking to him as that's the best way through.....

So sorry you're going through this.
It's so difficult to know if he's just having a freak-out (which I think is surprisingly common) and will come around to the idea, or if it is more permanent than that.
Talk about unnecessary stress!
I know what you mean about not wanting to talk about it with family as then they'll turn against him - it's so tricky. But I think it really does help to talk about it - maybe going on here is enough but if it isn't, might be worth calling up an old friend or just blurting it to a 'less good but local' friend?
Hang in there...

Hi

Things are very strange at the moment, although he is making plans with regards to buying furniture etc he is very buisness like...very disconnected..he wont touch me nor kiss me ...im so unhappy...and yet on the other hand he wants us to go on holiday in march and doesnt seem to understand why im uninterested,but thinks im being ungrateful...im so confused and pregnancy hormones are making me feel worse.

Fir1 - hopefully this is still an active thread.

I am going through the same thing with my boyfriend. This is the second pregnancy for me. First time I got pregnant I couldn't cope, particularly because BF became miserable and withdrawn when I really needed his support. So I had a termination. I really regretted it and felt I should have been stronger. Anyway, I am pregnant again (at 40) and whilst BF was initially supportive he has reverted to being a right misery again. However, this time, despite feeling pretty down, I am not having a termination even if he doesn't support me. He will just have to sort his own shit out. Men seem to become selfish tantruming teenagers when they are not the centre of attention anymore and become quite spineless (I blame their mothers!). What I am saying is please don't have a termination because of your husband selfish wishes. Only do it if you are totally sure it is what YOU want.

It might be an idea to book an appointment with Relate (I have attended on my own) or a counsellor. It could really help you to sound out your worries to an objective third party.

All the best hun. I wish you well xxx