It should be the happiest period of my life

[Joiningin]

I am 19 weeks pregnant, very much in love with my husband and have not had any major physical problem with the pregnancy so far.

However, fears (of catching something that would harm the baby) are ruining my life. Some of them are quite irrational to most people (HIV through some chaffed skin in my hand), others may seem to some to be probably more founded (petting cats to them scratch close to my lips and find some brown gooey stuff on my finger). I am driving myself crazy and my poor husband too.
I have consulted the doctor and I am waiting for psychological help, but I am still thinking about having a toxoplasmosis test (although I fear that I will start panicking about contracting something when having it done) and asking for a HIV test at my 28 weeks' bloods.
Bizarrely, I have my 20 weeks' scan next week and I am not thinking too much about it...I suppose that I think that if something is wrong, they will see it plus it will not be my fault.
Sorry for the diatribe....but it is rather lonely

Hi seems as though you've got a touch of the obsessional thoughts. If you are this way inclined already, pregnancy hormones can heighten that anxiety, I've found that my panic has increased while pregnant - finding travelling more difficult and work meetings am also starting to panic about birth. nomorepanic.co.uk may offer some additional help. In many ways a touch of health anxiety is normal in pregnancy, you will find posters regularly panicking about a bit of goats cheese etc :) but it becomes a problem when it completely takes over the experience and becomes a bit outweighed. I find relaxation cds help me, and having some alternative therapy - massage etc can just help me to switch off and take time off from being pregnant and worrying. I also find thought blocking and keeping busy help too so if I am starting to obsess, I tell myself you've given that thought enough time, get on with some chores or whatever. Psychological help will be great because it will help you to challenge those unhelpful thoughts such thinking about what the actual risk of contracting HIV/toxoplasmosis in these ways. I'm sure if your anxiety is high about this stuff then your hygiene will be beyond that of most people which reduces the risks further. You bleed outwards so very slim chance of contracting through a graze. Hope you manage to get stuff under control, but please remember the hormones ramp up these thought and feelings xxx

Thanks for your sweet and caring message. I will definitely have a look at the website that you recommend and keep your kind words in my mind. My GP has been very supportive and hopefully I will get some psychological help... but I cannot stop thinking that it is not only in my mind, but that these are real risks and that I need to find out if my behaviour has damaged this dear little one. Unfortunately my phobia of having bloods done (HIV catching related) comes in when thinking about testing for toxoplasmosis....
I am sure that I sound mad (I probably am by now) but I am finding the whole thing a bit too much!

Thats great you have a supportive GP. Thats the problem with the thoughts they amplify risks - there is a risk of catching HIV/tox. there are also risks of getting murdered, run over, dying of cancer etc. Your current stress levels (remember having a baby is high on the stressometer along with moving house, divorce etc) are exacerbating these risks. You are not mad, you are stressed out with these thoughts and hopefully with a bit of help will get them in proportion - yes there are risks but they are low.
I have a good mate that I talk these things through with, we refer to each others odd thoughts as 'our squeezy balloon thing' kinda means to us when you apply pressure to a balloon in your hands a bit pops out between your fingers. She often fears that she is dying of cancer and my world starts to close in as I find travelling difficult. We are both sane intelligent ladies with good jobs we just obsess about different things when we are stressed. Another friend freaks out so much that she is pregnant despite being on various contraceptives at times of stress she can complete daily preg tests.
Give yourself a break, be nice to yourself, you will still worry :) but just remember you aren't mad just a normal human being under stress xxx
Good luck with the CBT

Thanks so much for posting. Just had a major argument with husband...he has been so patient but it is really getting to him. Tbh, another 20 weeks like this would be unbearable but I cannot see a way out...very dark thoughts indeed.
When I am a bit calmer I try to rationalise and think that I am blowing things out of proportion, but I then start thinking that if I have put my baby at risk by not being careful enough, and the risk materialises, I could not live with myself. I have never been good at coping with uncertainty, and coping with it when it has to do with the baby I am carrying takes it to a different level.
Thanks for your support and all the best with your pregnancy. Your baby has a kind mother awaiting him / her.

Well, I'm here if you want a chat. Being a bit 'mad' myself, I get it. Just remember you won't always feel like this & pregnancy can be a frightening time, like I said just keep an eye on this message board and there is always someone on here freaking out about having put their baby at risk - reality is babies are extremely resistant, they are designed to be and you are designed to protect your baby. Babies were born in auschwitz! Honestly, relaxation can really help, I have a pregnancy relaxation cd which is related to the hypnobirthing set :
www.amazon.co.uk/Pregnancy-Relaxation-Self-Hypnosis-Programme/dp/1905220022
(I'm not on commission!)
Like you said when you are calmer you are more able to rationalise. I've found that at times of massive stress just having an hr out of this gives me some respite from my dark thoughts. Also yoga can be good to get that deep breathing sorted to ensure you are breathing from tummy (inflate the tummy balloon) instead of shallow breathing from chest.
You are a great mummy too, worrying is a good sign - you want to get it right xxx
PM me if you need a chat, I am getting a bit close to B day now so may not instantly be around but will look out for you.
Take care
K

Thanks for the email and the offer of PM. It has brought tears to my eyes. Trying to feel more upbeat and keep it together...a long, calm chat wit husband has helped (especially his reassurance that he does not think that I am being careless) and I have booked a private session with a psychologist that deals with phobias. I will keep you posted and will be wishing you all the best in the run up to B day (it would be lovely to hear your news).

Another card-carrying member of the anxiety club here - I want to reach through my computer and give you a very un-mumsnetty hug. I too obsessed over things and if I'm honest I spoilt my 12 week scan for myself - I was so expecting there to be nothing there or an incompatible-with-life condition that I couldn't relax and enjoy seeing our baby for the first time. I got myself into such a state that I was signed off work soon after for 5 weeks - I'm back now, but on a restricted work schedule until maternity leave (I'm 25 weeks now and will be going off at 34 weeks - thank goodness for stored up annual leave).

I felt like my entire world was falling around my ears and then I felt guilty because I was pregnant and it's supposed to be a wonderful time and I was supposed to be blooming and the whole nine yards - but instead I was in a constant state of panic, had no short-term memory worth speaking of and when I wasn't being sick I was contemplating ending things because I couldn't see how I could manage seeing this through when I was less than halfway and surely it was just going to get worse.

This isn't about me though, it's about you - and you are doing all the right things by seeking help and leaning on the people around you. I am undergoing CBT for my bad thoughts - early days, but it's really helping especially with my lack of sense of proportion (happens when I panic). I was also very worried about harming the baby by going back on to my SSRIs - fortunately, my husband and mum (who is a nurse) looked up the details for me and were able to put risk in context for me. That's a really big problem I have actually - not sure if you feel the same - if someone says there's a risk of 1 in, say, 2,000 I have no idea what that means. More likely than me being in a car crash? Less likely than the canteen being out of baked potatoes? It feels very meaningless and that's what can really trigger panic if I'm already feeling vulnerable.

I know how desperately lonely it feels but you aren't alone, I promise. Mumsnet helped me through the worst parts - I can really recommend the mental health boards. Keep talking, talking, talking to anyone who will listen (yay for supportive GPs - hang on to that one!) and let us know how you get on.

Wishing you lots of strength and love and a beautiful healthy baby xxx

"Obsessed"? More like obsess! I'm much better but I can still fret with the best of 'em :)

Thanks so much mildertduck. I am going through exactly the same....I have my twenty week scan next week but I am not looking forward to it...I kind of have the feeling that it will not give me reassurance, because the two things that I worry the most about (toxoplasmosis and HIV) cannot be detected. So I am considering having a toxo test in 3 weeks (yesterday I stupidly cleaned my cat's eyes and touched the area around my nose and mouth before realising that I still had some dark stuff on my finger) and asking for a rerun of my HIV test with my 28 weeks test (chaffed and red hand being touched by hand of Zimbawean contractor).....I know the odds are really low but I cannot cope with being a source of risk, however small. Bizarrely, other risks (for instance, genetic), I have not focused on : I suppose I think that they are not "my fault", although of course I would be devastated if something happened.
Last night was full of dark feelings and I seriously contemplated if I could go ahead (and to think how much I longed for this baby) but I know that giving in would be doing exactly what I fear the most.
I am working full time but, like you, finding it quite difficult. I am seeing my GP on Tuesday, and was thinking about mentioning possibility of time off or less hours.
I will keep you posted...to know that people care and understand is of great help.

I'm struggling with pregnancy too, I've been to my GP who has diagnosed depression. It's very difficult as this is supposed to be the happiest time of my life and I feel so low. I think there are more of us who struggle than we think.

Hi joining in, I had to respond to this post as you sound exactly like I was during my pregnancy, and it makes me sad to hear that someone else is doing this to themselves! I wasted hours upon hours, days upon days completely convinced that something terrible was going to happen and affect the baby, blowing things completely out of proportion in my mind. In fact, I think my mind even convinced me my body was having symptoms of certain things!

Things like you describe, when the risk was so small it was pretty much none existent, completely took over my mind and my fertile imagination took me to some very dark places too! I'm also sorry to say that I continued to worry about my baby once they were born completely healthy, I was certain they had all sorts of developmental disorders etc when in fact they are absolutely perfect and I am so incredibly lucky.

Of course, my anxiety was very hard for my husband to deal with too.

I am pleased to report that I am now completely fine and so happy as a mummy; now I even think (for the moment at least) my anxiety - which I have always suffered from- is much better due to being a mummy. It brings a sense of perspective, so much fun, and I'm so busy I don't have time to dwell on things or for my imagination to run wild.

So I am sure you will be absolutely fine; it's just a shame you're suffering in the meantime. Wrt the toxoplasmosis and HIV, from what you've mentioned I think the risk sounds zero.

For what it's worth the following really helped me:
Acupuncture - really chilled me out
Listening to music - really calms me down
Working - if you're not at work you have too much time to dwell on unfounded worries
Exercise - this has worked absolute wonders for me since having my child, but I didn't do it whilst pregnant, which I regret - it would have helped! Something safe where you won't overheat, like swimming?
Socialising, seeing friends and keeping busy.

Please try to calm down, do focus on enjoying this precious time and please feel free to private message me at any point as I would be more than happy to support someone who sounds like me (I sometimes feel like I'm the only one!)

Keep us posted xx

So nice to have your support and to feel less lonely. I am definitely trying to pull it together and follow the good advice and try to keep calm. I am usually a really social person, but this has made me withdraw within myself...I have told no one apart from DH (who has to live with it) and my parents (who are incredibly supportive but at a loss at to what to do), and talking (well writing) about it without feeling judged is incredibly comforting.
I will keep posting and thinking of the lovely ladies that have come to the rescue.

So nice to have your support and to feel less lonely. I am definitely trying to pull it together and follow the good advice and try to keep calm. I am usually a really social person, but this has made me withdraw within myself...I have told no one apart from DH (who has to live with it) and my parents (who are incredibly supportive but at a loss at to what to do), and talking (well writing) about it without feeling judged is incredibly comforting.
I will keep posting and thinking of the lovely ladies that have come to the rescue.

How are you doing today?

I can sympathise - I have OCD and am 6 weeks pregnant. Part of me is soooo excited and wanting to tell the world (though are waiting until my 12 weeks scan!) though part of me is obsessing about what if something goes wrong / is wrong with the baby!! Am driving myself nuts!!

However my rational self knows that everything is alright and will be alright.
I'm healthy and sensible, have no illnesses, there are no 'conditions' in my family, etc etc so the odds are very much in our favour and there is no reason anything will go wrong.

It sounds like you too may have some form of OCD so seeing a psychologist / therapist should help. I've had CBT and highly recommend it. Even though Im still struggling sometimes, I am nowhere near as bad as I have been in the past. I literally used to spend the majority of the day winding myself up, obsessing then doing silly rituals / compulsions to counteract them - I was a little crazy!!

With me, I know its the OCD that is the problem not the thoughts. If I wasnt obsessing about my baby it would just be something else. I've had OCD for 10 years and have obsessed about all sorts of things from ex-partners to conversations at work to knickers (dont ask!!). The thoughts are irrational and irrelevant; the OCD is a big bully but it can sod off!! You dont need it, esp. when you're pregnant.

Other advice includes keeping busy (read, watch a film, play a game, listen to music, see friends, come on Mumsnet!, etc) , eating healthily, making sure you look nice (look good, feel good!), relax when you can.
All perhaps easier said than done I know - and you cant switch your brain off! - but it comes with practice.

You dont want to regret not enjoying your pregnancy - its such a special time and wont happen often!

Anyway, Im here if you need to chat more - I can understand (and may need a little helping hand myself!). I find Mumsnet can be a good support.
Be nice to yourself and your soon to be beautiful baby!!

Thanks for the lovely messages. A bit of a bizarre day today: mix of positive and negative. Went to the psychologist (good, will start hypno next week) but panicked about the fact that she had a cat and silly me came back home and fed my cat straight away (cue concerns about giving toxoplasmosis to cat that he would then pass onto me). On the positive front HIV fears seem to be more under control.
Trying to rationalise things and keep perspective...but feeling quite tired....all the worrying definitely takes its toll.
Will definitely be in touch .... This is definitely my biggest support.

A bit by way of an update. Things are up and down..with quite a few downs (feeling more relaxed around my cats, but increased other fears from HIV to herpes).
Hygiene rituals are getting a bit out of control...and have started nagging husband about his habits too (hand washing does not suffice, picking up delivery at door and getting mud in, also worrying about his sleeves, etc). He is running out of patience...and understandably so.....i am trying not to test him so much, but it is rather difficult as the doubt remains in my mind as to whether he is watchful "enough".
Seeing GP on Monday while awaiting for result of referral letter. Tried hypo, but the fact that the therapist had a cat roaming around when toxo is my biggest fear did not help :)
Thanks to all for your support.

Hi Joiningin, I just wanted to say that I know how you feel. I'm only 4 weeks but the panic has already set in and I've come up with a ridiculous number of things to worry about - ranging from how much wine I have drunk in my life to all the conditions that could effect the baby. I believe I suffer from OCD but I have never gotten help for it. Maybe now is the time and I should mention it to my GP or the midwife. The responses on here are really amazing, it's great to know there are so many understanding people out there. Mumsnet is amazing :)