Cloud over my pregnancy

[Firsttimemum36]

I'm a first time Mum due in July. I had my first scan just before Christmas (when I found out I was two weeks less than I thought so 9 weeks) but everything looked good so at Christmas I was able to share my news with family and friends. I was totally thrilled and delighted when one of my best friends announced that she was expecting a baby too - two weeks after me! We've pretty much chatted about our babies every day since, how they'll grow up together, go to school together, how we'll holiday together.

I had my NT test yesterday so got to see the baby again. We had a long conversation yesterday and today she had her tests - I told her how amazing seeing her baby on the scan would be. - seeing it for the first time.

This afternoon I got the devastating news from her husband that they couldn't find her baby's heartbeat and that it had died. I'm so totally gutted for her. I tried calling earlier and her huband says she's fine but upset and doesn't want to talk to anyone.

I can't stop crying - its such terrible news for her - and I feel so guilty when I've been taking about how my scans and my baby.

There's nothing I can do or say.

that is terrible for your friend i'd let her come to you when she's ready and don't be offended if she needs some space for a while

Don't feel guilty no one could have known x

I'm sorry to hear this. I've been in a very similar situation as my lovely SIL was 6 weeks behind me and miscarried in the first trimester.

All you can do is take your cue from your friend. Try not to cry etc in front of her - you don't want her to feel that she has to comfort or protect you. She may not want to see or talk to you straight away and you need to respect that.

At the same time let her know that you are still around - don't ignore the miscarriage or assume that she will be "over it" within a particular timescale.

Don't let your fear of saying the wrong thing prevent you from saying anything at all. Maybe text her if she isn't ready to talk, just to let her know that you are thinking of her.

One thing I was luckily warned about in time was not to say things like "it's probably for the best / natural / happens a lot / nature weeds out the ones that aren't quite right / it wasn't a real baby yet" etc. To your friend that may seem dismissive of her pain. I know that for many women the baby is "a real baby" the minute they find out they are pregnant and so that is what they are grieving for.

I hope your friend is okay and makes a good recovery. Meanwhile look after yourself and your bump as well.

I had the same thing happen to me and one of my best friends, we were due on the same day and I lost my baby at around 13 weeks. I won't lie, the fact that my friend was having a baby at the same time did add to my heart break and was ( and still is ) a constant reminder of the baby I lost, but that wasn't my friends fault. The only advise I would give is to to be there for your friend, be sensitive and let your friend have some space, if that makes sense ? My friend kept trying to call me and she really was the last person I wanted to speak too or see if those first few weeks, when I was ready I contacted her, so just try and judge by the reaction and vibes you get from your friend as to how to play things. Maybe drop her a text or a card or maybe even some flowers so she knows you're thinking of her?

Almost the same thing here... My friend has two children (aged 2.5 and 9 months), I was pregnant during both of her pregnancies and miscarried both. I couldn't face it and didn't see her much after the second miscarriage, and she gave me all the space I needed - no pressure at all. I'm almost about to pop (38+4 weeks), and I am now seeing her all the time. She is a good friend and we were able to pick it up without angst or problems. She gets it, is hugely supportive, and that is as good as this sort of shit gets... So sorry for your friend. It is truly horrible. (Whatever happens DON'T say, "well, at least you know you can get pregnant"!)

We were in the same position, we were pregnant at the same time as our best friends only a couple of weeks apart. It was so exciting to be expecting our first babies together. Best friends lost their baby at 10 weeks. It was obviously devastating for them and upsetting for us. I am now 17 weeks and I won't lie it is awkward. We have tried to be there for them but let them take it at there own pace. We used to see them a lot but haven't seen them much since. Anothet Friend who has been though something similar says it will get better once our baby is born. I really hope so as they are our best friends and we really miss them. I know they said they would start trying again in jan so hoping it happens quickly for them.
Probably not very helpful just wanted to say I know how you feel about a cloud hanging over your pregnancy. We had real problems getting pregnant and it took us over 2 years and was so excited about sharing this special time, but it wasn't to be.

I had a mc last February, and one of my colleagues had the same due date as me and went on to have a little boy over the summer.

We weren't really close but I did consider her to be a friend. However, since my mc I've barely spoken to her, except for at work. And that's mainly because I think we both avoided each other, I was really hurt that she never ever even mentioned the mc. It was a very hard situation. Ideally she would have asked how I was and said something like "I understand if you find talking to me difficult but you can if you want".

Whilst I'll admit that I found watching her growing bump and the Facebook scan/moaning about pregnancy niggles/birth announcement hard, the worst part for me was the way she completely ignored my mc .

I hope that helps you to understand how to act around your friend, and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy x

I'm so sorry. Same here, good friends of ours were due one month after my first pregnancy. I miscarried and being honest, could not face seeing her until after the baby was born. The thought of seeing her bump on the same timeline as mine should have been was too much. I saw the baby three days after she was born and long term it hasn't affected us at all. They were devastated for us, let us know then kept their distance which was absolutely the right thing for us. Congratulations op, enjoy your pregnancy and be there whatever your friend needs.

I'm so sorry for your friends loss. All the comments I've read above, are all so right and supportive. I've had many complications with my current pregnancy, I had twins but one died at 17 weeks. The two things that annoyed or upset me was exactly what people have said. The cliches, my mum has been good at them, I through it back in her face, and family not talking to me about it. It felt like there was an elephant in the room.
I would go with the above suggestions, text or write to let her know you are always there for her, to moan or get upset, but you understand if she finds it difficult.

How terrible for your friend and how difficult for you :(

I agree with the suggestions above. I would send a card and flowers, tell her in the card that you're sorry and you love her and will be here for her as soon as she is ready to talk. Then text periodically just to let her know you're thinking about her.

If you don't hear anything for too long (whatever that is), give her a call on her mobile as she can always screen if not ready to talk.