bit of a rant need some advice (to scared to post in AIBU)

[kiki22]

So both DP and I have divorced parents all 4 with new partners so once baby is born i have said that for the first visiting the partners won't be able to come because obviously that 8 people plus me and DP, i just feel it's to much for a new baby to be passed round 8 people, might be to much for me depending on how labour goes and not fair on the others in the ward to have that many people.

Everyones fine with this i've said they can come at later visits or once we are home depending on how long i'm in, but DP's dad has gone off the deep end about it! Says we're putting him out because he can't come and leave his girlfriend at home he needs to bring her or he'll need to come later but he's prefer us to tell my parents and DP's mum to leave after the first half of visiting so he can come up, DP was furious with him and basically told him to do as he likes but i know he's gutted his dad won't be there on whats the biggest day of his live so now comes the dilema...

WWYD would you split the visiting or let everyone come? I really don't want to do either tbh i think if the other 3 have no problem why should he and why should they have to leave early to suit him. He has only been with his girlfriend 4 years so DP has not grown up with her or ever lived with her has no relationship with her apart from dads GF so i really don't feel she should be put before our parents. I pretty much know i'm going to stand my ground but would like to know if i'm doing the right thing feel like i've caused a split in DP's family :(

Your FIL is being incredibly unreasonable, but I don't understand why you are having everyone visit at the same time. In fact I'm not sure if the hospital will allow you to have that many visitors. It is usually two per bed. I would not have even just the parents all there together, it is too much.

I would say no one but DP in hospital. Actually I would say no visitors at all for a week, unless they are very close, you really want them, and they are prepared to do more housework than sitting around.

In hospital you will be tired, probably feeling a bit sweaty and scruffy, if you had a c-sec or epidural you would likely still have a catheter in for the first visiting slot. You will be learning to nurse your baby. The last thing you want is an audience.

I would say no to all visitors except you and your partner and then have them come round to the house instead...you will be exhausted and visiting times and numbers are strict!

And definitely get them on the cleaning washing ironing food and drink making...it's something I never did but wished I had now

You have no idea how you'll be feeling post birth. Warn everyone now that you may not want any visitors at the hospital and you'll let them know on the day. Surely you'd like all grandparents to have a quality first cuddle, as should they, and thats not going to happen with all 8 or even all 4.

We said no visitors to hospital (although in the end we invited my sister as she was nearby and was actually super helping me go for a shower etc).

Then we said that once we were home anyone could visit us in the first 24 hrs and then they could all go away until we invited them back - probably after day 3 or 4. That worked brilliantly as baby was still super cuddly and adorable. Days 2-4 were as expected hideous until my milk came in and my nipples toughened up. My SIL invited herself round on day 2 as she hadn't been able to make it on day 1 and was very persuasive so we relented - I really regret that as all she saw was DS being grizzly and me in pain with my nipples.

If MIL or anyone else had been round on days 2-4 we'd have had plenty of 'why don't you do formula'/'give him to me I'll calm him' -type undermining comments that we really didn't want.

Hope that helps.

There is no official limit to visitors at the hospital i checked :(

I do want my mum there so much as i'm so close to her can't imagin making her wait to see her grandchild, my dad most likely won't come anyway and am quite happy to have DP's mum there she's lovely and can't wait to see the baby either and DP wanted his dad there so was fine with him coming. Would be gutted to have no visitors lol i want everyone to come coo over my gorgeous baby (and bring me grapes and mags)

I'd tell your FIL that he needs to fit in with your plans not the other way around. Not unreasonable considering it is you and your partner's day.

Honestly - can't believe he's kicking up a stink.

Lol, and depending on how you feel - you may not want any visitors!!!!

wait until the time comes....you have no idea what will happen yet. You may end up with a CS (and so be too sore for anyone bar your DP and maybe your mum) for the first couple days, or maybe (god forbid), end up with a baby in scbu which will definitely limit visitors.

when the day comes, and you are celebrating your new arrival, then let DP spread the happy word and let him tell them when they can visit, and he can stagger the times to fit.

I'm more interested to know when you'll get the chance to read the mags?!

I won't get time to read any mags but it's not the point i still want them lol mother n baby ones.

I can't wait for my moment in the limelight after all these months of sickness pain n insomnia i want to bask in the glory of bringing the first grandson into the world. My sister says thats the best bit apart from the actual baby :)

It depends how long you'll stay in for, with my first I was in for 12 hours ( for observation), but that worked out from midnight to midday, plus is was a Tuesday (so everyone was in work). My mum came in the morning, then everyone else came to the house later in the afternoon/evening which worked well

cheekychoppers i'm hoping i work out the same way tbh my mum and DP's mum will both be able to get away for an hour any time so can always come up but DP's dad is a bus driver so won't be able to get away from work gawd i feel bad hoping he can't come lol.

We were only in for 6hrs after the birth and there was quite a lot of stuff to do in that time - lessons in how to bathe DS; mandatory first wee for me - not allowed to leave until done that; shower; etc etc... Time flew and I don't know when I'd have fitted in visitors to be honest.

Remember you'll be all emotional and vulnerable and sometimes even the most well meaning of visitors can say stupid things...

I love that you're getting to bask in your glory. I maybe best warn you that 3 months in (and this is tongue in cheek) that girl am now merely the womb on legs who produced my mother's granddaughter... with regards to visiting it's your call. I did have an emergency section but was able to handle visitors 2 days later. In fact it was much easier in hospital than at home because I didn't have to cook them dinner!

Girl should read I am

Sorry, blooming phone!

daisybell1 i remember the same thing happened once me niece was born mums suddenly forgot about my sister and I, the world started to revolve around her beloved granddaughter now it will be first grandaughter, first grandson then us so i will be taking my moment while i get it hehe :)

Having read all your comments kiki, why not make your first visitors the two grandmothers? That way neither side feels put out and the two people who are probably most desperate to get their first cuddles do so.

stuffthenonsense as you can prob tell FIL can be a pain and hates to miss out, he's very much into point scoring against MIL if we go see her he gets mad if we don't see him he has a huge problem with the fact i'm friends with MIL on facebook, i ended up having to delete is 12 yr old step daughter from FB because he was using it to keep tabs on my friendship with MIL! says i have an 'attitude' due to commenting to MIL when asked how was xmas 'was great shame we only seen you for an hour looking forward to dinner on tuesday' We only seen his mum for an hour and his dad for 3 that day so i think fair comment and nothing to do with him.

I figured he can come to the first visit as it would keep the peace and DP wanted him there but even thats not good enough for him! I understand how hard it is for DP having parents at war mine where for years so try to make things as easy as possible for his side. I've basically told him now no one else has a problem i'm being totally reasonable letting him come pointed out i don't have to let him be there and if he chooses to miss out on the visit then thats up to him.

"I would like to know if I'm doing the right thing. I feel like i've caused a split in DP's family"

You haven't. You've set very generous, and completely impartial guidelines.

Your FIL might cause a split (it sounds like he might be quite good at that); but he's an adult - and he needs to start acting like one. Why should everyone else (including you and your new baby) suffer, just because he's throwing his toys out of the pram?