relationship problems in pregnancy

[girlonabicycle]

i've name changed for this. I'm still in my first trimester with a high risk (age related) pregnancy. My partner and I don't live together- both ok with this. I'm not looking for advice and won't go into specifics but i'm shocked at the amount of rows and issues that have come up recently. We have been together a long time and our relationship has nearly always been smooth, we've had some problems but have always been supportive, i suppose its mostly been me the strong supportive one as nothing has really cropped up in my life since being with him. I'm not really into confrontation or rows and we've never really had them so i'm at a loss. Is this usual? Has anyone else found their relationship suffering? or misunderstandings? I didn't expect pregnancy to bring us closer but neither did I expect things to start deteriorating so soon- i was waiting for after the baby was born for that to happen as it did with my first marriage and DC1 . We both have baggage . He wants the baby very much and it was planned.We are both very anxious about things going wrong.

i just want to know how common this is and maybe how people overcame it - if you did. Also any insights into what the father to be may be thinking would be helpful.

Some of the stuff in the pg books does try to reassure you that it is common to have more rows etc.
I certainly have been experiencing this. Relationship was hunky dory, pg was planned, but then everything between us started going really wonky. I'm in my 3rd trimester now so I can't tell you how I've overcome it as I haven't yet! I'm crossing my fingers it will all sort out after the baby pops out. Here's hoping anyway.
It sucks, eh?

i think it can sometimes be down to your expectation levels quite rightly going up. you are carrying his child so his behaviour towards you should be better/different. i know with my (ex) h my first couple of pregnancy's nothing really changed it was only if i was really sick or anything that i would get any consideration or leeway. other wise i was sort of expected to continue as normal
which i tried to do which made me resentful, which caused rows and he certainly would go on as normal. going out etc.
i dont actually know if i am making any sense here.

I know you don't want to be specific but what are you arguing about that you didn't before??? I was in a similar situation. I still don't live with my DP and father of our two children however during both pregnancies He was awful. He was an absolute s*d. He had no interest in coming to scans. Had no interest in the pregnancies and expected me to carry on throughout my pregnancies as if I wasn't pregnant (at 8 months ended up carrying a wardrobe single handed upstairs (admittedly in pieces and the delivery men wouldn't assist either!) ) and putting it together). I still have no real idea why other than the fact I am someone who never asks for help and tends to get on with things.

I don't think he sees me as requiring help (I will never ask I assume he should know!!)or being vulnerable in any way. Is it anything like that?? From my point of view everything was great once our children were born and is a fantastic father and partner.

Everyone argues more when pregnant and with new baby, anyone that says they don't are putting it on for show.
I had a friend who said her relationship was great, yet her hubby of 12 years often remarked how even after 12 years it was all out the window and fights over ridiculous stuff until they sorted out some new dynamics.
I think it is a bit worse if you are older (as I was) and had been the tough strong one, and have high risk or anxiety. Hormones can be a killer when you aren't used to them either.
Friends that have the best marriage I have ever seen still had issues, though more of the uncontrolled crying and anxiety kind than the wanting to tear his face off for no real reason.
Apparently is the most common point for a relationship to crack, so if you are ware of that and can find some tricks to keep it together a bit more and just get some good communication in between the rows you should be ok.
It gets worse if you don't work at it, but gets better if you do. Also gets really bad when sleep deprivation kicks in.
Good luck !

thanks all for the replies. He is attentive and helpful and even offered to build shelves for me last night which was amazing as we are both so independent and used to looking after ourselves. Think the rows are more about responsibility, worries that things will change (for the worse). Then lots of baggage , both in our 40s. His ex took him to the cleaners and he had to go to court to get contact with his child reestablished and i think that weighs on his mind, then of course my hormones and just so much anxiety about baby being ok and implications of what if it isn't mean we are both less sensitive /more touchy than usual.
We will work on it. It is clear yesterday he was trying to repair what was said a few days ago .

Im glad for you that things seem a bit better, but i think its totally normal, while we get to deal with all the hormonal issues and the tiredness and sickness we sometimes forget that men are going through a time trying to adjust also, there now having to become more grown up and responsible (so he says but i've yet to see evidence!!).

Im 18 weeks now and have never argued with my partner so much in all that time and we've been together 11 years! Its more nerves, and being absolutely terrified on both our parts i think, although it can be planned and you want it for ages and ages its still a shock when it finally happens, its genuinely only been the past few days ive been ok with being pregnant, i spent the first 4 months crying, sleeping, arguing and wishing for a time machine, but the 1 thing i would say is just keep talking to each other, the more you talk your feelings can come out that way instead of bottling it all in and exploding in a horrible argument that neither of you need right now, good luck with your pregnancy x

I've had no problems with my husband since I fell pregnant, and have had a fairly unpleasant experience with pregnancy so far in terms of feeling yuck and pain from severe SPD....husband has been fabulous throughout, unbelievably supportive, patient and understanding. Before you all throw something at me, I should add that we have talked ALOT about how pregnancy and then the baby will change our relationship, and how we can expect to deal with these changes. I think the best advice to to keep the channels of communication open, express your feelings and share what you're thinking.
I sit with my hands on my bump all the time, and watching it bounce around (am 33 weeks now so very noticable!) and he really doesn't appear to be interested in doing the same now that he's done it once or twice....its not that he doesn't care, its just not happening to his body so its less interesting for him. As he keeps saying, 'its all a bit nebulous at the mo....I think I'll feel different once the baby is actually here.'
Hope that helps and you don't hate me :S

From friends and personal experience i agree that women expect a bit more consideration and SOME men don't really see why things need to change. Especially when there is no physical reminder.

I have bickered with DP since being pregnant as i feel he should be doing more - i have been incredibly tired and sick (and also have had problems with my vision). It has also made me realise how much more i do than him. I asked him to cook dinner the other day and we both realised that he had not cooked EVER since we had been together over 2 and a half years.

I always presumed he could cook a bit, but pasta and a stir in sauce became a drama (he put the pasta into cold water without even stirring it and brought it to the boil, then fried onions and bacon till black left them to get cold and served it with the mushy sticky pasta - disgusting!)

i asked him to clean the bathroom and he looked blankly as he didn't know how. We had 6 loads of washing to do and i asked him to put one on and he put 2 tea towels in on a full wash (sigh). When i question his reasoning he says do it yourself then. If washing up needs to be done everything goes into 'soak' until i do it.

I have become very upset about how much i will have to do when the baby arrives. Which to him i should do all of as i wont be working :(

We are now investing in a dishwasher and tumble dryer and when DP returns from traveling with work there are going to be cooking lessons!!

spuddybean just read your description of the dinner he made- i hope you didn't eat it!
dishwasher and cookery lessons will be sound investments. My brother is a great cook now but he only started when he moved in with his gf (now wife) in his 30s. Jamie Oliver works for him.

Thanks for sharing everyone. I've borrowed a couple of pregnancy books from the library and saw that couples need to keep talking and sharing their feelings , and that relationship problems are very common during pregnancy , so i'm feeling more reassured.
I don't hate you nursee but I am slightly jealous! I guess the fact that you talked a lot before is helping you both.
spuddybean all i can say is yuck to that dinner!

black erm no, i came down with an attack of morning sickness - but he ate it...and mine, and even said it was nice! (i tasted it - it wasn't) He was really proud of himself afterwards

My DP has lived with me for 4 years and at one point early on I still had to really reassure him about his role as he was starting to feel that I had decided how everything would happen without him really having a say. Once we had sat down and talked this through things really improved and we stopped bickering (apart from when I was being hormonal and crazy). Could it be that he is feeling a bit excluded and unsure of his role and position and this is leading to general stressedness?

You say you both live seperately and are both very independant so it sounds like your relationship could really change when the baby arrives. Have you both discussed how day to day things will work between you with a child in relation to things like childcare, access and finances? I can understand why having unresolved questions about things like this could hang over you both a bit.