Bereavement in pregnancy...what was your experience?

[georgethecat]

Ok so I'm 32 weeks my nan died just before christmas, I loved her so much, I would see her every other day. I have just freaked out about the funeral. I thought it was just anxiety so I drove to the crem twice to pootle about and reduce fears. I just feel that I can't face it in any shape or form, I dont want to see the box, talk to people about it, have my heart ripped out again.
This is not usually me, I am accustomed to death and feel strongly about being there to give someone a good send off/ support family - I feel shit about myself for not doing this but at the same time don't want to push myself and effect the baby. At the moment I am getting a lot of palpitations, stress sweats and I feel really low. My family have been really good about it and want me to take it easy. Just wanted to vent into cyberspace really and seek other peoples experience. xxx

My BIL died when I was pregnant and I struggled with it , I was so mixed up with the wanting to grieve for him but needing to protect my son against any stress . Also I couldn't help but feel that the one in one out theory was at work which I know was daft but I couldn't shake off the feeling that he had died to make room for another member of the family .

I am pleased to hear that your family are supporting you .

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I'm not sure I can give any good advice, but I kind of went through the same thing last year when my SIL was killed (she was only 24yrs). I was 27 weeks pregnant at the time and it was just such a shock to our family. I found it really hard to comfort my DH, partly because I was just so emotional all the time, I don't think pregnancy hormones helped at all :-/ Alot of people tried to focus on the baby as being something lovely to look forward to, and although it did keep our spirits up, and our minds off it, it's not as easy as 'one counts out the other'.

hi, i've not had anyone pass away but my granfather was diagnosed with cancer and has had a major op during my pregnancy, he's now been told it's spread and at 84 it's not likely he'll be treated for it he's still with us but has been very hard almost losing him and then being told we likely will soon. I've been very honest with my family about not wanting to be stressed and just keep thinking grandad would be furious if he thought his condition or passing effected his grandchild and great grandchild i really think the best way you can honor your grandmother is to take the best care of her great granchild you can and that means taking care of yourself and baby.

Just think how mad she would be if she seen you stressing yourself.

I am so sorry you have this loss.

My sister suffered this .... Our mum died when my sister was at six months in her pregnancy. It was very harrowing, but my sister coped brilliantly. She did defi itely draw limits though, saying that she could handle x but not y, and i think that is vital....definitely draw your limits and do ot feel guilty. Pregnancy is a massive task, and so is grief, and with the two together sometimes you just do need to protect yourself and draw some limits.

I have a similar situation at the moment aunt died over the holidays and my family have asked to have me and DC at the funeral. Difficult because I can cry at the opening of an envelope at the moment although ordinarily I am not a blubberer. I have taken the view that I can't get anymore stressed than I have been during the long and painful illness my aunt has suffered and that I need closure to prevent any delayed grief reaction. I will cry and if anyone has the temerity to point out it is dramatic I will point out that I am dealing in my own way and that they should deal in theirs.

My 2 remaining grandparents died a few days apart when I was pregnant with DS1, and I found that knowing the next generation was on its way was a source of strength.

My aunt died recently. The funeral was intensely painful. I can't work out from your post whether you didn't go to the funeral, or have it coming up. If it's the latter, then I would say that no matter how much you fear it, it's worth making yourself go - I have never wanted to go to something less, but I forced myself. I had palpations, sweaty palms, sickness, butterflies, and boy, did I sob - everything. But it was cathartic to be with other people who loved her - grief can be very isolating.
If you have already missed the funeral, I would recommend talking about it - her, how you're feeling - with others. And write down how you're feeling. My mum kept a journal, which helped her enormously.
Finally, try and honour her in some personal way. If my baby's a girl, she will have my aunt's name as her mn. I will also be planting an apple tree in our garden that blossoms in May (when she died).
Remember that grief is a process. You'll go through lots of stages. Right now it feels very raw. It won't go - you won't stop feeling sad, but you'll deal with it. We are massively resilient, us humans. And you will get strength from your baby. But do try and deal with it. I would fear PND if you don't.

My Mum died just a few days before we found out I was pregnant this summer (I'm now 32 weeks). Although she'd been very ill with cancer, we were only told it had spread and was terminal a few days before she died, so it was a massive shock.

I've tried to find a balance between letting myself feel the grief and not suppressing it all, but avoiding hysterical fits of crying or emotion that feels really out of control, but with varying degrees of success. I agree with Phlossie that you can't push it away completely, but if you don't feel you can handle the funeral then you shouldn't force yourself to go. Your Nan would understand. On the other hand, I worried so much in the first few weeks that the baby wouldn't make it because of the stress and emotion, and it seems to have done just fine so far. Someone said to me at the time that life is resilient, and so it seems.

Looking forward to the baby will hopefully give you some strength to deal with this all, but although there's the positive - a new life - there's also the additional sadness that comes with knowing that that person won't meet your baby. Sometimes other people react as though one will cancel out the other which can be hard to deal with. I've promised myself that my baby will know about my Mum - even though she won't be there. If you can I think you need to acknowledge the pain you feel but find a way to remember your Nan and share those memories with your baby as they grow up. I hope you get through it all OK - look after yourself.

Thanks guys, the funeral is tomorrow.....I have decided not to go. I am from a big family & am paranoid about their reaction, I'm sure some people will be cross and won't understand, but the relief I felt when my mum said it was ok & she understood if I didn't want to go decided things for me. I have decided to go and spend the time they will be at the funeral in quiet reflection at my local church where my nan attended many of our catholic events when I was growing up. I feel guilty of course that I won't be there for my family particularly my mum but I think my body is programmed for stress avoidance at the mo & all that a funeral entails just feels too much. I have lots of happy memories of her and will continue to talk about her, I hope that this will count as dealing with it....