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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

boyfriend has changed mind about baby

16 replies

firstfroggy · 28/12/2011 16:26

is there anyone out there with a similar experience as mine? i've been with my boyfriend for six months and recently we decided to try for a baby. it happened first time, and of course i feel incredibly blessed about this. but since i told him i'm pregnant, he has freaked out. while he assures me that he loves me, he thinks on reflection this is too soon in our relationship, he has fears about affording it, providing for us, he has a young son from a previous relationship and he's terrified how it will effect him, and he's also afraid of breaking the news to his ex in case she makes it difficult for him to see his son. he has gone so far as to ask me to have an abortion, but when i refused, he says he will stand by me. i'm six weeks gone and although it's early, it's also my first pregnancy and i'd love to get excited about it, but how can i when it's making him so unhappy. do you think he will come round? he's a good man, and he has assured me he'll stand by me, but he's so freaked out by the idea and i just want him to be pleased too. anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:

mumsrthebest · 28/12/2011 16:33

It is still early days in the pregnancy and I should give him time to get his head around the whole thing.

PurpleWithaBlueBun · 28/12/2011 16:37

What an arse to say all that to you!! It is a shock, but if he has had a child before he really should know better! It is very early days and he is bound to feel weird and hopefully he will actually be supportive. As for his ex, he should got to court/solicitors to sort out access separately.

And of course you should feel happy at the end of the day it is YOUR baby and you should enjoy it, and not base your happiness on his.

amerryscot · 28/12/2011 16:43

It sounds like you have been playing 'mums and dads' and now it's not a game anymore.

If you were planning a child, why didn't you get him to show his commitment by marrying you? It's not too late...

AdiVic · 28/12/2011 16:56

hello - sounds like he is just in a panic, like amerryscot said, you played at it and now it's not a game, but when IS the right time? It may just be that now that reality has hit home hard he is worrying and needs a bit more time to come around. Sure he will - my husband got in a panic for a week or so, as did I thinking about it.There are lots of folk out there with exes, and they manage. It will all work out in long run. You enjoy your pregnancy and get excited, lifes to short not to, and try not to worry about what the ex thinks, let him worry about her, and the courts worry about access issues IFFF they arise. Good luck and be happy:)

xmasmummytobe · 28/12/2011 17:19

amerryscot Are you serious? I think views on marriage vary incredibly and wouldn't assume that it's right for everyone as a commitment prior to children. I really don't see what this has to do with this woman's situation. They could have been married and he'd still shit a brick when he's actually faced with the prospect of having another child.

firstfroggy we were ttc with this pregnancy and my DP (who I'm not married to and not planning to marry) shit a brick a couple of weeks after I got my BFP. He was incredibly proud, happy and excited that we were having a baby. Two weeks later panic about finances, changing relationship and responsibility set in. He didn't go as far as to ask me to terminate but I do sympathise. He got over it pretty quickly and has been an absolute rock since. It's been hard, it has changed our relationship, he's not just my partner who I have fun with and sit up talking till 2am with, he's now the man who I expect to help raise my child with me. It's a fantastic thing and I really hope it works out for you.

amerryscot · 28/12/2011 17:21

I don't think she'd be wondering what was going on if they had married when they decided to have children.

I have very traditional views about marriage.

xmasmummytobe · 28/12/2011 17:26

Good for you, I have a lot of respect for traditional marital views, I think it could be a fantastic thing. I don't think everyone feels the same though and she's certainly not mentioned it in her post. She appears to be having a difficult time and you commenting on her marital status is not necessarily helpful. In fact it came across to me as quiet patronising and judgemental.

Original poster

firstfroggy · 28/12/2011 17:41

thank you for all your comments, they are very helpful, and i'm glad to read that many of you think he'll come round and this is perhaps just a kneejerk reaction. he's such a brilliant dad to his son, that i can't imagine he won't come round, but it's unnerving as you can imagine, particularly as he was the one who championed having a baby together.
as for the marriage issue, i feel i have more important things on my plate at the moment than getting a ring on my finger. yes, we could have done things the 'right way round', but as xmasmummytobe pointed out, would that have made a huge difference? and anyway, with a failed marriage behind me, experience has taught me that sadly a marriage certificate is in no way a guarantee that two people will stay together anyway.
i will endeavour to be hopeful that he will come around in his own time. he's already started asking me a few questions, so maybe he is thawing...?

OP posts:

yummicheddars · 28/12/2011 18:26

I was in a similar situation, although my partner didn't already have a child, we we're both 18, had been together for 5 months, and was silly and talked and actually went ahead with trying for a baby, I fell pregnant within 2 weeks of trying..he changed his mind when we found out I was pregnant and begged for an abortion, I actually once asked him to pick me and the baby or no me (I'd keep baby no matter what) and he would never see or have anything to do with either of us, he did choose to never see me again..but after all this we did stay together and I had the baby, he came round at about 20 weeks, at the first scan he stood at the door, and nearly had a crash on the way home due to his erratic driving.. What I'm trying to say is we now have a beautiful 2 and a half DS and he has sincerely apologised and loves our son more than anything, he is the best dad I could ask for my son, he deeply regrets what he put me through and can't even talk about how he was with me. I am now 23 weeks pregnant with our second, so please it does come as a shock to them, especially if your both youngish, if you don't want to get rid of the baby, then don't. He'll soon thankyou one day.

Original poster

firstfroggy · 28/12/2011 18:44

thanks for that yummicheddars, i'm glad your story worked out. sadly, we're a lot older (i'm 35, he's 40). but it's comforting to know that if an 18-year-old guy can come round and it all works out, then a 40 year old should manage it.

OP posts:

Booboostoo · 28/12/2011 19:06

My DH totally freaked out when I got pregnant (despite having been together for 10 years, married for 5 and TTC for 14 months!). It took him quite a while to get over it and he was pretty horid for a while, but I think it's an adjustment period for some men. I felt totally connected to the baby right from the start but I think that might be one of the advantages of being a woman!

He is a gread dad now though! (DD seven months old)

beginnersluck · 28/12/2011 19:15

Firstfroggy, I'm a similar age to you and had similar situation. After horrendous freaking out (despite it being planned) he came around at about 20sthg weeks. I've not had it yet so can't say how it worked out in the end, but here's hoping...
People do say that guys are more likely to get excited or even used to the idea later on...fingers crossed it works out for you.

saoirse86 · 28/12/2011 19:29

I agree that it's probably just nerves etc for him. DP and I found out I was pg after being told I'd probably never conceive naturally. We weren't trying, we weren't interested in trying, it just wasn't on our radar. When we found out we were both terrified. I was 23 and DP was 33, neither of us had any other children. I think it actually took until dd was born that we ever really believed it was happening. We both had many many wobbles during the pregnancy. She's now 15 months and i Couldn't imagine life without her.

I'm absolutely sure he will come round at some point. But if he doesn't you will manage.

Oh and I agree that a marriage certificate does not make the idea of a little life dependent solely on you any easier!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 28/12/2011 19:36

I hope he does come around, but you know what, even if he doesn't - you'll be fine. Your baby will be loved and you will cope.

blackcatsdancing · 30/12/2011 10:29

hi, don't want to repeat what others have said but to add that his concerns re his ex are sadly probably quite valid. Doesn't mean it will happen but it is a trigger for exes to behave badly and one way they can wield power and punish is by stopping contact. Keep things quiet for as long as possible and make sure he has good evidence of when he sees his child. This need not be arduous. A few words jotted down on a calendar is enough, a diary entry even better. Don't you worry about her though! It may never happen but if it does then encourage him to have mediation with her asap, then court.

Sannebanana · 30/12/2011 11:57

firstfroggy- I feel for you. My DH 'changed his mind' when I was 21 weeks and practically demanded I have an abortion. I'm now 33 weeks and we're no longer together, for various reasons. I do think that most men go through this at the beginning though- it suddenly dawns on them that they're going to be responsible for someone else and all of a sudden they can't cope. But most of them snap out of it in a week or so, and then they can't do enough for you or the baby. Chances are he will come round and everything will be fine, if not then you will cope. It doesn't seem like it at first, but you will.

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