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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Am I expecting too much from my midwife care? Bit upset

39 replies

user59457812 · 19/12/2011 12:23

I had my 28 week midwife appointment today and I was in and out in literally five minutes - she just did the basic checks and tests and packed me on my way.

I haven't seen a midwife since 20 weeks, and it's my first baby so I do have some questions about the birth, how things work, what I can do to prepare myself etc. I started trying to ask her things but she gave very curt answers while looking at the computer screen and really just hurried me out. My next appointment with her isn't until 34 weeks so my questions regarding getting the baby into position etc. will be a bit late!

Am I expecting too much? This is the second midwife I've seen in the practice and they were both the same - only really interested in ticking the boxes on the form. Other ladies in my area do seem to have had better support and much more in-depth conversations - I've never been asked about my birth preferences for example, or been told anything about my options - and apart from being given a leaflet with local services, no information about birth preparation.

I really felt like crying when I came out today. Yes, I am capable of reading all the books etc. and preparing myself independently, but as I first timer you don't know what you don't know, if you see what I mean. I just feel like baby and I are being left to ourselves a bit...

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heliumballoon · 19/12/2011 12:35

I am not surprised you feel like crying.
Unfortunately the NHS cutbacks are really starting to show. My last two MW appts have been cancelled due to lack of staff, and I have been told to go to my GP instead.
The last MW appt I did have, the MW took two urgent calls during it and had no time for any questions.
My advice is to book on a birth prep class, whether NCT, NHS or private, to discuss your birth options. And at your next appt, take a piece of paper with a list of things on it which you absolutely must discuss (ie where you haven't been able to get an answer from MN or books) and start rattling through it straight away, rather than waiting till she has done the standard checks.

Original poster

user59457812 · 19/12/2011 12:44

Thanks for the advice helium - sorry to hear you are having the same issue. I think it's just kick-started the realisation that we do need to do more 'privately' and not expect much from the NHS except for the absolute basics. I now get why some friends have booked a doula or are paying for an independent midwife. We're starting NCT soon so hopefully that will set my mind at rest a bit and make me feel a bit more clued up - at the moment I feel totally unprepared for it all!

OP posts:

fivepies · 19/12/2011 12:51

Oh I do sympathise. I had my daughter 6 months ago and found the midwife care to be appalling. All my appointments were very brief, and like you the midwife had only curt answers to my questions. I took DH along to one so he could see just how bad it was (he thought I was exaggerating but after coming to one appointment was more shocked than me).
During and after the birth the hospital midwives kept saying 'didn't the midwife tell you this?'......um no.
I think they forget how scary it is to carry a baby, especially your first. I took reassurance from the fact that I was 'low risk' but it doesn't make it any less frustrating. To be honest, you'll be better off coming to mumsnet for advice/reassurance/the answering of questions.

MrsHoarder · 19/12/2011 12:52

I sypmathise, it is sometimes difficult to get everythin you need from appointments.

The list idea is a good one, as would be to just say, "can I ask a few questions please?" Its then much harder for the MW to rush you out of the door before you've discussed everything you need to.

ShowOfHands · 19/12/2011 12:56

It's no substitute but is there anything you'd like to ask on here?

Emsgale · 19/12/2011 13:01

hey
unfortunatally nhs midwife care is basic and I had my first daughter 27th feb 2010 and now im 24 weeks,with baby number 2 and its even got worse in that short time they seem very stretched and rushed and im having a more complicated pregnamcy this time etc but the midwifes dont seem intrested as ots my 2nd and asume I dont need help as im old hat but I probally have.needed more this,time than first time due,to babies health but I must admit my local hospital have been very thorough and i feel in safe hands.

if theres anything you want to ask I can help or will try???????
ems xxx

newgirl · 19/12/2011 13:04

I think the nhs classes are good - I had 4 sessions each 2 hours - are you booked on? 8 hours just about covered my questions so even a ten min convo with a midwife is not enough!

Original poster

user59457812 · 19/12/2011 13:06

Thanks ladies! I feel better that it's not just me being fussy. Nice to hear all your recommendations for MN as a better source of wisdom as I don't have to wait another seven weeks to ask questions (!)

Showofhands, that's kind. I am having a hormonal weep/panic about it all at the moment, but when I have sorted myself out I think I'm going to work out what it is that I'm worried about not knowing, and head over to the childbirth thread with a list!

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slovenlydotcom · 19/12/2011 13:13

what show of hands said- wish I was aware of mumsnet when I was pregnant
sorry you have been made to feel sad. x

Original poster

user59457812 · 19/12/2011 13:20

Thanks Ems too we cross posted! I'll work out what it is I really want to know...

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Bonsoir · 19/12/2011 13:23

When I had my NHS MW led pregnancy/birth in 2004, the MW appointments were all very brief and cursory. The opportunity to ask questions was at the birthing classes (three Saturday morning-long sessions at fortnightly intervals) where there were probably 15 expectant mothers and quite a few partners; lots of issues were covered by the MWs and there was plenty of time for questions.

Emsgale · 19/12/2011 13:27

I agree your nhs antental classes will help I got alot of my info from them reg labour pain relief recovery etv etc and other people asked questions I hadnt thought of xx

QTPie · 19/12/2011 13:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

dreamingbohemian · 19/12/2011 13:43

You're not expecting too much -- but unfortunately it's just the way it is! MN is great though for any questions you will have.

In their defence, I think midwives to a certain extent don't want to talk about birthing options until much later in the pregnancy out of a sort of efficiency perspective -- in my case, for example, at 28 weeks I wanted to ask loads of questions about home births, but by 33 weeks it was clear that I couldn't have a home birth, so that would have been a waste of time to have that discussion.

It doesn't do much for our anxiety, of course! But luckily there are lots of other places to get support.

HidingInTheUndergrowth · 19/12/2011 14:40

I've just had my 28 wk appointment today and it is also my first. Your midwife sounds like she could certainly be a bit friendlier, mine is super lovely but then I am always really quick and simple.

I have always seen the midwife appointments as being to check that everything in looking healthy and sort out any medical issues or questions rather then the place to discuss birth preparation or some of my more random 'wtf is going on' questions. I have used mumsnet for these things (seriously, why wait for the midwife appointment when you can find out on here!) and will be going to antenatal classes in the new year where I will probably annoy everyone with my constant questions.

In regard to birth choices I am planning a home birth and my midwife has said we will talk about this in more detail at about 35 weeks but even then I only expect the practical questions to be answered by her, anything more I would expect to have to go and find out for myself.

Mind you my midwife does always look slightly bemused by my complete lack of any questions for her now I think about it.

guinealady · 19/12/2011 14:47

Oh this makes me feel really sad, mine is lovely (have seen same community MW at my local GP twice now, 14 & 22 wks).

To be honest she probably hasn't told me anything I didn't already know (yes I should take up yoga, yes I should book breast feeding workshop/parenting classes) but she is so nice & reassuring I just feel like I trust her implicitly.

Apart from taking urine sample & blood pressure, both times she has listened to the baby's heart beat & it's just so nice to be told everything is OK.

Also at the same GP surgery I went to get a flu jab & the nurse said 'we'll see you again in the spring for baby's first jabs'. To get a sense of continuity at a city GP practice & feel that you and your baby are going to keep going back there & see the same staff makes me feel so reassured....makes me not want to move away from where we live now, seems like good GPs are worth hanging on to.

So sorry that others are having a harder time: seems so unfair!

Original poster

user59457812 · 19/12/2011 14:56

Hiding and Guinea - glad to hear you both have good experiences, I certainly don't have the same feeling of reassurance with mine, quite the opposite...Interestingly I noticed recently there was a whole page of topics in my pro-forma notes she was supposed to discuss, and in the first appointment she'd ticked and signed them all without touching on a single one! Not great.

It's not what I expected as my GP surgery in general is brilliant. The GP I saw at 25 weeks was far more interested in everything and asked me a lot of questions about how I was feeling, if I was excited, if I had any issues, how DH was doing etc. She referred me back to the midwife for anything not directly medical, but was very engaged. I really thought it would be the opposite - harassed GP hurrying me out and caring midwife!

OP posts:

Emy84 · 19/12/2011 15:04

Sorry you are feeling so frustrated by this! I don't think you are expecting too much... But I think with the NHS MW care you may not ever get more than quick appointments! I always feel like they have a list of what they must do BP, bloods urine etc and once that's done you are sent on your way!

I like many previous posters have found MN really good for questions and info there is almost always someone who has/is experiencing what you are!

Try not to get too down and search these boards for specific questions you are probably not the first one to ask it!

MissRee · 19/12/2011 15:30

Yep sounds the same as my care to be honest - I'm 38 weeks now and my MW still hasn't asked me about birth preference, how I intend feeding etc.

Thank god for MN, that's all I can say...

SardineQueen · 19/12/2011 15:44

My appts with midwife were very short and when I asked questions I got the brush off - they don't have time for it.

I did ante-natal classes with both NCT and NHS (pfb overkill ) and the NHS ones were great.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 19/12/2011 16:10

I think with your first baby you assume that you will see the same midwife and build up a relationship with her. In reality it is very different and you feel like you are being ignored for the best part of your pregnancy, particularly if you are low risk. The midwives I saw were always very pleasant and helpful but agree that appointments are rushed, delayed or cancelled. I am now expecting my second baby and the appointments are even more non existant than first baby! Do lots of reading up and attending antenatal classes where you will be given the most information about the actual birth. Try and get a tour of the hospital although for me I wasn't allowed first time round because of the swine flu risk and this time I have been told they don't offer them.

CharShep · 19/12/2011 16:54

I have had the same experience, seen my midwife 3 times now every time she has spent half the appointment on the phone with other people. Had appointment today, very brief, again she spent the time on the phone to other people and then told me she didnt have time to do my bloods and has booked me in for my next appointment in 6 weeks time, im 28 weeks now and was led to believe that i would see a midwife every 2 weeks now?

I think all we can do is educate ourselves the best we can and be very forceful and insistent if there is something we need help or advice with.

Gemz1806 · 19/12/2011 17:04

I'm really sorry to read these stories, I have just finished my 28 week apt and I was great. MW comes to the house we sat and drank tea and she was here for about 1.5hrs!! Hubby was here too and asked loads of questions. I am in Scotland tho so maybe that makes a difference. Last apt at 21wks was the same. Really lovely ladies!!

I know this is not helping much but I can imagine how you feel. It's my first too so it's very assuring to get all my questions asked.

I wish you all got the lovely care and time we are getting!

I would stay in her office and ask all my questions, she can't really ask you to leave can she!!

bonbonpixie · 19/12/2011 17:06

I can absolutely sympathise with you. I ended up putting an official complaint about my MW. My first appointment she told me to eat for two, not to exercise (I ran a marathon earlier this year - so am well accustom to exercising) then when asked about cord blood banking she told me not to bother because it was a total faff, but the last straw was when she guilted me into giving blood (whilst pregnant) and then saying she couldn't understand when I fainted!! Awful.

starjules · 20/12/2011 05:16

My midwife/s have been awful, had to complain to the pct about one, the emergency phone number service never bothers to call back i had an 11.5 week miscarriage b4 this pregnancy and they didn't call me back then either so should of known better but even when at 9 weeks had another bleed with this one I had to chase them. My assigned midwife who is the one in charge of team here told me not to bother ringing her to just ring the hospital!! Had the hospital run antenatal classes and the midwife there has been ace and has sorted me with a postnatal midwife to get my checks done as my midwife signed me off at 31 weeks and was too busy to see me even thou I was having pre eclampsia symptoms. I am having my bean this week then as soon as I am feeling better I am going to kick some serious pct ass! One couple at the class were told by their midwife that if they had any questions just to google them....

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