Need to start thinking about a support network for when baby no. 2# is born, any ideas?

[working9while5]

Ds is two, bump 15 weeks.

Last maternity leave was strange. I was very, very active in terms of getting out there and trying to make new friendships but I was a bit of an eager "fresher" type in some ways, and I didn't really do enough with some people whose company I enjoyed e.g. not really following up invitations with return ones to mine as I was not happy with the state of my house while hanging in for far too long in groups that weren't clicking.

I had a particularly awkward situation in that one mother who attended several of the groups I went to became my driving instructor but I wasn't very happy with her services over time (as there was a lot of chat about babies and MILs on my paid time!) and so I ended up avoiding a lot of social situations where I had started to make friendships, doing myself no favours. Mixing business and pleasure = bad news, lesson learned.

As a result, I don't really have any friends from my last mat leave and although I have a few work friends with young children who I see and am good friends with, they live quite far away and I would only see them, say, every six weeks or maybe less with things like fb contact in between.

I want to take a year off again please God, and I will have a toddler this time but unlikely to have him full time - expecting childcare vouchers and some top up time will give him 2-3 days in nursery. I don't want a situation where I am at home alone or constantly spending time with people yet never really getting to know anyone well enough to call it a proper friendship.

I know there are no guarantees, but what's a good way to start to get things rolling before I have a baby? I would really like to make the most of this time, I don't expect I will have time like this ever again.

You could go to some of the baby groups at your local Surestart?

Or why not pursue the friendships you felt you let slip away last time? You could do that before the baby is born. Nothing wrong with being honest and admitting you feel silly now for not inviting them over.

They were never really friends though, just people I met once or twice but never really pursued it so that's not an option. Tried that with one mum I'd seen a bit more via fb but while she accepted friend request, she never responded to message about perhaps meeting up.. Also most of the ones I saw more regularly now work f/t. So feel it will be a new group!

Honestly?

The first thing I think you should do is stop thinking of people as "a support network" and start seeing them as the human beings that they are.

How do you normally make friends? What do you do when you click with someone you meet at work, for example?

Just do that, with individual people that you come across. Don't get tangled in the idea of 'building a support network' - that just sound clinical and as though you want to use them for something, rather than spend time with them for their own merits.

My friends from having DS1 were mostly back at work when I became pregnant with DS2 so I joined the local NCT postnatal group whilst on mat leave, loved it and 3.5 years later I'm now organising the group. I also met lots of lovely new friends (mostly first time mums) at the children's centre breastfeeding cafe. And have met others at a local church playgroup. Just go to a few groups with your toddler and see who you click with, you may rekindle some old friendships. I just took everyone up on any offer of meeting up, and returned invites to my place. And we're a large loose network of local families now, with a book group, babysitting circle etc. I also find facebook really good for keeping in contact with people and organising events.

[Blush] I think you are reading too much into my choice of words there, and being a bit harsh! I found maternity leave really, really hard last time and I worked my ARSE off at meeting people, being friendly, chatting to them, being available if they ever suggested anything we could do, taking an interest in every word they ever said (and I had PND) but I was lonely. I went from a high intensity social job to being, well, on my own with a gorgeous but very screamy infant 24-7.

Of course I just view people as human beings, but let's face it, when you are quite alone in an area and worried about not having contact, you do want to develop connections to support you, too. That may be literally just having someone you can have a five minute chat with or ask about weaning, isn't that the purpose of mum and toddler groups? They're hardly like pubs!

Also, I did all that. And it didn't really work. I actually let some people take the absolute mick out of me (driving instructor lady, I mean you) because I wanted to be friendly and lovely and not close any doors at the end of it, I felt just as lonely and quite foolish for having been overly available. It's a similar set up to university in many ways... lots of people do that first year thing where they will be anyone's friend because they are desperate and then come back in the second year realising it was all a bit rubbish and "get strategic" by joining clubs/societies etc. Thats what I'm talking about...

If I take a year off, it's a long time to be alone in a house with a baby and/or toddler. I would happy to be a great support too! This is a hallmark of how I operate in other areas of my life, but I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that you need people! We are all interdependent beings, saying you want to have people around you who you can rely on and who can rely on you (definition of a support network to me) is not "using people" in my book...

Sorry that was to bigkahuna

Thanks Puzzletree. I had considered NCT post-natal last time but I chickened out because I was worried everyone would know eachother from antenatal and I couldn't get on a course. Also, I was really stuck as our house was in bits and I knew I couldn't really reciprocate with coffee mornings. Am insisting that certain things will be done this time ahead of time so that I can make my home more available.

I was wondering if it would be good to do an antenatal course though it would be hard to do as a couple with childcare etc and they seem geared to first time mums mainly.. but I think what I would really like is just to have some contact with people before I go off, you know just to have texts when babies arrive and facebook likes of new baby photos that can be followed up with RL contact when the dust settles! I didn't realise you could go to the NCT group with bump so maybe that's the way forward, also you've reminded me of bfing group.

I'm in a similar position (mat leave already started second time though - 2 weeks in).

Luckily DS's nanny has made friends so will pick up some of those to have playdates for DS (he's 2). Plus I'll be attending playgroups and will be less shy about making friends. I too was lonely the first time around - it was shit.

I've also started volunteering for nct so an excuse to meet other mums many of whom are second timers.

I've also met mums via Netmums local board and have made friends with a MNer (she pm'd me as noticed we were local).

Basically pursue every avenue you can so at least you're getting out each week and take from there!

Preg with DC 3 and completely understand where you are coming from. Its hard to make good friendships when you are looking after small children and everyone is a bit distracted.

I'm a SAHM though, which has made it much easier to keep in touch with people and reciprocate invitations.

Preg yoga class might help- I know the class around me was v sociable. You could do NCT class this time, or go to NCT or other playgroup before baby if there is one around you. Baby massage groups (try your surestart centre) nice idea, but never managed with DC2 as also looking after DC1 (17month age gap).

You will prob have a very different experience 2nd time around.

Have you got local family? I didn't but lots of friends did, and I felt that maybe they got the support network element from family rather than friends.

Hope some of that helps.

working9while5 the postnatal groups are actually called 'bumps, babies and beyond' now. so aimed at everyone from pregnant women to parents with preschoolers. I think they all operate slightly differently, but you should be able to get contact details for your local groups from the NCT website, just email the group organiser and they'll let you know what the set up is. ours is quite a small group so we meet in people's homes but there's no commitment to host. and some of us have teeny tiny houses but we all squeeze in, it's fun! I actually found it easier to make friends second time round as my toddler was an easy talking point, and I was more confident about going out with a baby. Luckily the breastfeeding group was on a day when DS1 was at nursery so it was nice to have a day with 'new baby' friends then. And I went to NCT and toddler group when I had DS1 with me too. Just get out there, and good luck!

In our local area we have NCT antenatal refresher courses, I know of two mums who were new to the area so went along to meet people and now have an NCT group they see regularly (I know them because they also come to the NCT coffee mornings at the local pub, which are very open and friendly).

I must say that I didn't click with most of my NCT group at first, it took over a year to feel comfortable with them as they weren't the sort of people I would normally hang around with. Three years down the line and we still meet twice a week or more and they are my closest friends. I think you sometimes need to give people more of a chance and be patient.

Good luck, I understand what you mean about being lonely. I was there too with dd1. I'm expecting dd2 now and am worried about being lonely again.

Contact your local churches and see if any of them run Mother and Toddler groups. Where we live most of them do and you could go to at least one every morning of the week if you wanted to. You tend to find the same faces turning up at a couple of them so easier to form friendships when you are seeing people regularly.

Also try going to the local play park at the same time several days a week for a couple of weeks. When we moved to a new area after we had DD1 I found that after her afternoon sleep there were a lot of the same mums and babies at the park late afternoon every day like us. It is easy to pass the time of day when pushing toddlers on swing.

First off, congratulations on your pregnancy!

I second trying the 'Meet a mum' board on Netmums. The forums may be rubbish but the local pages are fab!

Does your DS go to any toddler groups? I hated them at first but luckily I've now found a couple where DD (2) can roam free which makes me hopeful that I can take baby when it's born.

I can sympathise, it can get very lonely. Especially as you may not be able to do the usual baby massage etc with a toddler in tow.

I'm very lucky that my best friend is due her second baby 4 weeks after me! And we have toddler girls of a similar age so I think we'll be seeing a lot of each other next year!