A bit of an AIBU that Im too scared to post in the Lions den!!

[Hotpotpie]

Ill try and keep a long story short...
In a nut shell my OH's parents havent spoken to him for 18 months, following a stupidly petty argument, it was half a dozen of one and six of the other but really nothing serious that needed to keep going

However, since that time they have demanded an apollogy which OH has refused to provide, saying that they were as much in the wrong and so it should just be forgotten, they rang the night before his birthday that year just to tell him he was a selfish t**t, ignored both of his birthdays since, refused our christmas presents, have refused any invites to come round that I have sent their way, and a catalogue of petty stuff that would take me all morning to type. Ive not gotten involved and have maintained a pleasant relationship with them but rarely have any contact with them

Anyway before this gets any longer, OH has a daughter who is six, they have been wonderful with her and he shares his contact with them, regardless of the situation with him and them he will not involve his daughter (I agree with this its not her fault and it would be her that missed out) so she spends regular time at their house each week

Now im pregnant and I feel torn. I dont want an argument but I feel that they are perpetuating the problem, they went mad because when OH went to the house to tell them they wouldnt even let him over the door step but then took umbridge that he told them there and then, saying that we both should have gone round. I now get texts asking how im doing and I get the distinct impression that they expect that when this baby is born they will get 'contact' at their house for several hours a week, and Im not up for this, they are welcome to visit our house and will not be made uncomfortable but Im not playing pass the parcel with my baby to keep them happy when they wont even speak with the childs father

AIBU? I want honesty so please tell me if I am

YABNU. Sorry you are in this awful situation.

You may be able to use your pregnancy to help heal the problems. I think you are completely right that if they wish to see their grandchild, as the mother you have the right to decide when, where and how. However, this would be best clearly said.

We never like to confront things, but I wonder if now is the time to do that. Your DH has clearly tried, but they haven't received him. However, they are still speaking to you. Can you try and mediate - for the sake of their new grandchild? Get all the parties to sit down, with you, and explain why you're doing it.

Good luck

No I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, they are very welcome to see the baby and you have made it clear but you aren't going to be forced into visiting often especially when you are made to feel so uncomfortable. If they have an issue with your OH then it is up to them to resolve it, as long as he is still being approachable then it is them who are holding a grudge

he really is as well, I wouldnt stick up for him if he was in the wrong but he has tried, I could have cried for him when he came back from telling them and of course the abuse started via text shortly after (with me getting congratulations at the same time very bizarre)

I just dont want to be one of those families were the children are dropped off for a few hours but we arent welcome, well I would be just not him! I understand why with SD but Im not picking up and dropping off round feeds to suit them, I just worry that Im being petty and will make things worse thanks for your comments, maybe ill head round and make my view known soon and see if this can all be put to rest once and for all

IMHO, no. Your baby, your rules, especially early on. What if you want to exclusively BF? What do they expect to happen then? And no, don't feel like you should go over there without your OH just to apease their guilt/childishness. Colluding in their childish behaviour will ultimatly make the situation worse.

If they want to be grown ups and put differences aside and get on with life then fair enough, they can come to your house and see your baby on your terms. If not, well, they've made their decision. A petty argument's worth more than their grandchild (though I do realise they'll never see it like that).
Though, if it does take a discussion, about why...perhaps not phrase it like this.

If they do show and interest in coming over to you to see your baby then embrace it as your LO could be the bridge to building some sort of steady relationship with them.

Otherwise, put your foot down. You've been the grow up here and extended them every offer of a relationship and they've refused - utterly childish of them.

I am hoping to breast feed pretty much exclusively so thats been on my mind a lot

I dont think this will resolve at all thats why im worried that im being out of order, if I lay down the law and say visit as often as you like at my house they will refuse because it makes them uncomfortable, they have on a number of occassions including SD's birthday when she wanted them to come and see her present (a bed so couldnt take it there) offered to make them a little party in her room with OH out of the way but still refused, I just cant see this changing

OH thinks im making a rod for my own back by replying to the texts, ive also sent scan photos round with SD for them, he worries that this is going to make them think that I am ok with whats happening but I worry more about being petty lol- he doesnt stop me just warns me that this sort of thing is going to make matters worse when the baby arrives

woah I didnt give them to her I sent them with her belongings, my fault that wasnt clear but she is not our go between! her mum is aware of the situation and uses his parents as her main baby sitter so I doubt very much at all she is going to get involved in this situation. We also would not be reducing her contact, she is not aware of the argument and stopping her from staying there with them would upset her greatly

I do however agree that I need to back off thats why im posting to make sure thats the right thing to do

I really feel for you it's a horrible situation to be in YANBU if you start dropping bubs round it will keep going and no doubt the older baby gets the more they will want to see them and for longer and the more attatched baby gets to them the harder it will be to say no to them having baby.

I don't speak to my dad and will not be letting him see my baby at all, i've been criticised for it but as far as i'm concerned my baby does not know him and will not suffer for not seeing him but will prob suffer when he is older because he will realise we don't speak and get stuck in the middle.

Yep I agree. How ridiculous it all sounds. YANBU at all.

Also, don't underestimate how strong your feelings for your LO will be when they're born. I was EBF and it took a long time until I was prepared to let him out of my sight; not a chance in hell I'd have been dropping him off unaccompanied at feuding grandparents at that stage. If close family have offered to babysit for your benefit and you're happy with that, that's one thing. This is quite another.

I actually think they're playing a game by keeping such close contact with you while not speaking (or being downright unpleasant) to your OH - your loyalties are with him and would ignore them until they got their act together, but then I'm grumpy like that.

Im getting grumpy like that!

Ive decided to stay out of the way, OH and I have been chatting this afternoon and he has decided that he is going to tell them pretty much what I said above, they are welcome to the house but on the condition they stop blanking him, then any stupid text messages I get about how unfair he is being I will ignore and he will deal with as he see's fit, its going to be fun in our house when the baby comes

Thanks everyone its nice to know that a. Im not the only one and b. you dont think im being petty and precious - its hard to see things rationally when your in the middle especially with family

I have to say that if they are blanking their own child, your DH your loyalty should be with him, and you should not have contact with them if he does not, it adds to his exclusion. I would also say if they want to see his other child, they come and pick her up from your house, or at least speak to Dh to make the arrangements about when she is visiting. They cannot ignore him and expect everyone else to help them in excluding him by running around arranging things for them that mean they can get what they want and exclude him.

they do do that Kelly, very curt texts to him and pretty much no conversation on the door step, Ive kept minimal contact with his agreement but have been very uncomfortable about the texting about the pregnancy, the scans were sent with his agreement to see if it would help make things any more civil but it didnt and thats why im at the point im at - your quite right tho and my loyalty is with him first and foremost its just about deciding the best way to deal with the future now

I think i would be pretty hurt if my DH was having contact with my parents whilst they wouldnt speak to him. I think now is the time to put your foot down and let them know that this child is your DHs baby, not just yours, and as such they should show him a little respect if they want a proper grandparents relationship. For as long as they have contact with your baby they will see no need to make things work with their son, and can you imagine how very difficult it will be to explain to your child (when older obviously) why daddy cannot go to grannies house. It seems your DH will support you, and i think its time for you to support him in a more firm way.
Hope it works, ime family feuds are hellish.