SOS - Needing a Rant and To Share - Season of Goodwill Not For Me!

[mzundastood]

Hi all MN'S,

If any of you have read my previous post you will know my situ, if not I am 6 wks PG on Friday, unplanned, unexpected. In process of leaving my BP (waiting on keys) and then I found out I was PG. I am 33 and also have DS 17 yrs old always wanted another baby, just not like this. I am on ADS and suffer from anxiety and depression (read all info, sought medical advice on ADS and being PG thats how I found MN). Ahhhh well the ex told his mum last night and we then spoke on the phone, wow is she not happy with me it's like I have gotten myself PG to piss her off "this is not the way I want my first grandchild", "what a great christmas this will be with that news", "you can't bring a child up on your own", "you have to have a long hard think to yourself", "your not working, imagine bringing up a child on benefits", "you have no family what if you get ill again", "poor baby what a shame". That is not the worst of what was said just a few nuggets of wisdom.
WTF I am soooo angry the ex is still saying if I am not staying here I should have a termination, now we have 3 in camp abortion. He doesnt know how he feels and doesn't know if he wants anything to do with the baby or not. The ex MIL said she doesnt know if she wants anything to do with the baby either and she is not happy her son will be tied to me forever, I will always be on the phone etc to him.

I have said if the ex wants nothing to do with baby thats fine I would sign away any rights of support etc from him, I don't want anything from him.
Ex MIL and I used to get on so well, shocked by her reaction she totally agrees with why I am leaving and said she would not put up with it. But she is angry about the baby saying if I had stayed here she would've been here for me, but if I move out I am putting her in an awful situation, she doesn't know if she could visit the baby as she said she would interfere and would'nt be able to keep her mouth shut.

Until now I have been saying they can all have as much or as little to do with me and the baby as they want, I accept I am the only one who wants this baby.

Terrified I won't cope and prove them all right, worrying myself silly over the things they have said to me. I am only coming to terms with this myself and when I feel happy and think it will all be ok one of them bursts my bubble.
Rant over I am sorry ladies do not really have anyone to share this with, small town and do not want people talking about my ex MIL in a bad way (why am i sticking up for her?).

I wonder if I am making a huge mistake and if they are all right and this baby would be better without a mama like me.
Any advice, rants (women in fury PG stage) or kick up the arse welcome, need to get a grip and not feel sorry for myself. I know only I can sort this mess out, just had to share or would've burst.
Love N xxxx

I'm quite upset and angry on your behalf here. I shall try not to diss your ex-MIL, but I don't understand how anyone could be so horrible. It's going to be very hard for you to ignore all this and be happy anyway, but do try to! Don't let them take one bit of your happiness or confidence away from you!

I'm 34. I have a form of bi-polar illness. I have two kids and am trying for a third (an evap line on a BFP got my hopes up and brought me prematurely to this forum, now I've got hooked, following people's stories etc I'm a sort of gatecrasher but hoping to be here legitimately soon! LOL) I know there will be a couple of people who think this decision is wrong, but as I see it, my daughters enjoy being alive and are glad to have been born. Same goes for me right now; though there are times when I wish to die, the good and okay times make the balance in favour of life overall. I think life is the most precious gift, and things have to be very very bad indeed for someone to feel it would be better if they had never been born.

Are things going to be that bad for your baby?? No way!! This baby has a home and a mother who will love him or her with all her heart. Your baby is going to be very glad to have been born. No one else's opinion matters. Screw them!

Things might be tough for you and you are going to need a lot of support, reassurance, and love. Spend as much time as you can with the people who make you feel confident and happy, and try as much as possible to avoid anyone who undermines that.

I think, if I were you, I would say to the naysayers "I am having this baby. That is my choice and I have made it and there is nothing you could say or do that would make me change my mind about this. This baby is a person [and your child/grandchild/insert whatever applies to the person you're talking to!] and will be loved and he or she deserves to feel welcome in the world. If you really care, then the best thing you can do to make this situation better is help me to celebrate and to feel confident and capable. If you aren't willing to do that, then I'm sorry but I don't think we should remain in contact until you have a change of heart." It might sound harsh, but you will need to be tough, even ruthless, for the sake of your sanity and well-being and that of your baby. Don't let anyone drag you down or undermine your confidence and your happiness.

As for having wanted a baby, but not "like this". Life happens. People can fall pregnant in ideal situations that then go horribly wrong later on. At least you know what you're letting yourself in for, you know? You can be prepared for the likely challenges because you know what they are likely to be.

You need to believe that you will cope. I know how hard it is to believe in ourselves when we have suffered with mental health problems, but I also know how important it is. You can cope and you will cope, and next Christmas you will have the magic of sharing it with your child, and you will look at your child's face and know without a trace of doubt that you made the right decision. Be happy while you can. Enjoy every minute you can. You're having a baby!! Yay!! :-)

If you want this baby, you keep this baby and screw what anyone else says. I'm sure it will be hard, I'm sure when you had your first, whether you were with someone or not at the time, you found it hard. But you survived and so did your DS.
You're in very early stages and I'm sure this has come as a huge shock to both your ex and exMIL but as you said, you're willing to do this on your own if necessary so let them flap all they want, I'm sure they'll come round. This really isn't about what position your exMIL has been put in or how your ex feels about the baby, it's about what you want.
I understand about the anxiety and depression, I have suffered with it for many years and thankfully, my decision to come off my ADs when I fell pregnant was the right one but I'm in a different situation to you. I would speak to your GP on your next appt, although they recommend you come off ADs because they don't know the effect they have on babies, they told me that if it didn't work with me coming off them then they'd keep me on them because of the risk to my mental health. I would imagine with the upheaval of a relationship breakdown and moving house, they'll want you to stay on them for a while. You might find that your mental health improves once you're living somewhere else anyway.
You are capable of giving your child a warm, loving upbringing and if they choose not to be involved in that child's life, then it'll be their loss.
Don't be bullied into doing something you don't want to and best of luck with whatever you decide to do x

Ladies thank you for your posts I am also getting bloody angry now, shes been back on the phone to tell me again she is not happy about his and neither is the father in law, its not a life inside me nor a baby just an embryo and I should do something about it, meaning get rid since I am so early in the PG. Arrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhh.
She is coming to visit me later, think I shall go out, I will lose the plot if she says one more negative thing to me, and if the ex cranks up again tonight I think I may hurt him.
Gatecrasher suze lol you are a mummy that counts and I hope you get PG soon, I love your attitude to life and think I need to be more like you, feel free to rant and critise all you like! Your children are lucky to have you xx
I have spoken to my Gp this morning and he agrees the situ is to emotionally charged just now to think about coming off ADS I am happy you managed it fhdl34, I don't think I am that strong and may need to accept I have to stay on them for duration of PG. Difficult decision but if my mental health slips I won't be able to be a mummy, but will the meds damage baby? Its awful. I do not wish to prove these doubters right and land flat on my face.
My GP has been an amazing support and said he is concerned for my mental health if I did have the abortion as I have expressed my wish over the years to have another baby. He is however impartial and says it is my decision and not be predjudiced by others.
I need to get out of here hope get my keys asap, it is doing me no good being surrounded by all this negative venom.

Thank you again for your supportive comments makes me very sad that strangers are kind to me, I really shouldn't be downloading all my problems onto others. I shall hopefully be able to give some good advice to others and pass on the kindness you have shown me.
Quite embarassed at how open I have been in all my posts.
Nxxxxxxxxx

Ah, stranger are just friends you haven't met yet!

Yes, it's sad that the people who should be showering you with kindess and support aren't doing that. But don't feel embarrassed for talking and seeking support here - that's what the forums are here for! Feel free to PM me if you want to talk privately.

I'm really glad you have a supportive GP who is in your corner. I have one of those too. It makes all the difference, doesn't it? I think sometimes people don't realise how much they affect others. A little bit of kindness and respect goes a long way. I personally find that it goes further than it's opposite - for me, I find that one nice person can make up for ten total bastards! :)

Of course, it's totally your decision and no one else's. I'm sorry if I sound pushy re keeping the baby - it's only because you seem pretty sure that this is what YOU want to do, and, if it's what you want, then it's the right thing. It is up to you and no one else can tell you whether it's right or not (including me! LOL)

Rotten dilemma re the meds. It must be very difficult for you and I really sympathise. If you need to stay on the meds, then you need to - try not to feel guilty about it - you can't help being ill. You are strong enough to make very difficult decisions in horrible circumstances and with next to no support - take pride in that and allow it to boost your confidence. You're doing bloody fabulously so far and I'm so you'll continue to do so. You've got a lot to be proud of and a lot going for you, and that baby has a mother who is fighting from the start - he or she is a lucky child - don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Feel free to talk as much as you like; we're here and listening. Don't let the bastards get you down. ((hugs))

xx

*sure

Don't feel guilty about staying on the meds, I think it's the right decision for you and my doctor said there was no proof they did harm anyway and if the risk is greater to you than the baby then that is what you have to deal with. I know it's easier said than done but you and baby are in this together so if you're not well, the baby won't be so you need to take care of both of you.
Suze77 is right, take pride in your strength to stick with what you want to do and allow it to boost your confidence, sounds like you have a great GP who gives sound advice.
And come here and vent when you need to, it's what we're all here to do.
Chin up chuck x

Thank you, oh feel very humbled and big lump in my throat! Had a row with the ex tonight when I came home hence not sleeping. They comments were just what I needed to read. My stranger saviours I agree totally one nice person makes up for the arseholes. You two are lovely and I really appreciate your advice and time.

Please let the council phone tommorow and give me a date to move into new house. That will be a relief and don't need to take this shit in my own home.
Apparently I could make this situation go away and unpregnant myself nice! The ex MIL is embarassed her grandchild will be getting brought up in a two bit council house with a mother on benefits. They are more concerned what other people will say, I am sad I once thought so highly of these people.

They do not care about me or what state my mental health is in or they wouldn't be treating me like this.
So ladies chin up and bring it on, I am not changing my mind I feel I will cope and the baby and I will be fine. I have a few great friends who will help and support us. They understand having an abortion would destroy me.
All energy going into keeping me and the baby healthy, they can get on with it. Lol done playing Miss Nice, it is my body and I will decide what I do, I am a proud person and would not ask them for anything. I will manage to get everything we need, I feel very attached and protective of this little thing to me it is so much more than an embryo!
I will not let these bastards get me down, I am worth more than that, I will love my baby and do my best.

I will keep you posted, Suze will PM you soon.

I hope you can both have a rant in the future and I can help you in return.

mzundastood, I haven't really got any advice to offer you, but I didn't want to read and run without saying...

Wow....you are a woman of immense courage and strength (even if you don't feel like it). I'm sure you'll have bad days along the way, but hopefully they'll be outweighed by the good days you spend feeling positive and in control of yours and baby's lives. Surround yourself with people who will support you and encourage you and stick your fingers in your ears and don't listen to the ones who will drag you down.

I sincerely wish you and LO a very healthy and happy pregnancy, if ever a baby was going to be loved, adored and treasured, it will be yours.

Hi annekins

Thanks for your message, I certainly don't feel strong! Feel more like a fish flapping on the sand hoping someone will rescue it lol. I am as soon as I move out of here take control of my life and who I do and don't speak to, I am an easy target here don't have much choice except listen to it.

Thank you for your support and I also hope this pregnancy remains healthy.

ITA with Anniekins! :)

You're incredibly strong and courageous. You don't need rescuing - you're more than capable of taking care of yourself!

You're coping with an unplanned preg while on meds for anxiety and depression and going through a relationship breakdown - and in those extremely challenging circumstances, you are holding your own against people who are messing with your head and trying to undermine your confidence and self-belief, and you are keeping perspective. That is nothing short of a miracle, imo! I doubt I could do it. To hold your own in these circumstances, to keep perspective, to stand up for yourself and your baby, to hold on to what you want and what you think against the odds like this... Well, you are a remarkable person. As I see it, if you can cope with all this, then, hell, you can cope with anything! Be proud and confident because you certainly have reason to be! :)

I've got my fingers crossed for you re getting your new house asap! xx

Suze I totally think you should take up motivation speaking! I am reading your message nodding lol so funny how you see me like that and I don't. Yes I am sheeera princess of power pmsl, ahhhh council phoned no keys till 21st so grin and bear it, might buy ear plugs and just nod like the little dog in adverts or say i have booked an appiontment for termination that shut them up wankers ooops swearing shocking.!
I think you should cross your toes and your legs everything for me, I am xx
:) Today I am like piss off not listening. Not to you of course to them! Think shall print off the posts and chant them.
On the up side got a bargain today fridge freezer 8 mths old spotless for .... £80 woohooo most happy with this. Worry about carpets etc in the new year.

A new year and a new start resolutions are to keep getting PG so can stay on mumsnet lol and to spend time on and with those who care about me rather than bottom holes.
Just read another post now I am wanting a hot sausage roll from Greggs bakery drooling at thought, no such luck im in the countryside at the moment stuck in due to winds, oh maybe the ex will get blown away far away. Meeeoooow thats awful xxxxxx

Re the keys, think of it another way, you'll be in your new house for christmas, woo hoo!
You're doing really well and as other posters have said, you have a lot of courage and strength, even if you don't feel you have.
Great news on the fridge freezer, I'm sure your friends will rally round you to help you out over the next few weeks.
Have you heard or the websites freegle and freecycle? Might be worth googling if you have local groups and see if you can get any other household bits. They're websites where people can request or give things away but they have to be free. We've had some great stuff off there including our moses basket, cot, baby gym, clothes, household stuff (and also given away as well). Also, there is a local page for me on facebook where people give and request free stuff, it's called junk to treasure.
You never know, someone might be giving away a carpet, I've seen a few on my local one and if it saves you some pennies, even just in the beginning it's worth it.

I know I will have moved in time for santa lol xx I will have a look on these websites thank you to scared to buy any baby things, I did buy one little baby grow with hungry caterpillar on it and have a wee peek at it now and again. Cant wait to move and be able to be happy about this, havent' got tree or anything up here xmas normally my fav time of year kind of giving it a miss next year. Hope theres a wee tiny stocking hanging up next year. xxxxxxx

Cool about the fridge freezer (no pun intended - altogether now: groooooan! )

Seriously, sounds like you're nesting already. Bugger that you've got to stick it out for another couple of weeks but, as fhdl34 said, at least you'll be in your own place for Christmas! So, yeah, grin and bear it for another week or two and count off the days (you could even specially adapt an advent calendar! )

Motivational speaking, nah, I couldn't be arsed (groan again, yeah, yeah, that accidental bad pun at the start of my post has got me into a silly mood now!)

Good luck with everything. xx

pmsl ha I know I am in a funny mood to, would call you crazy but i am the one on the mad pills! ha ha
Ooh that is quite a cool idea might make myself an advent calendar wonder what I should put on it penises ? To represent how many more days I have to spend with a cpmplete cock ? Honestly he had big outburst last night how he was off to his GP to find out about my meds ya ya ya and did he eh nope. We are having tea in separate rooms and I am laughing, verging on hysteria ??
Wish I had met you in real life think you would cheer me up no end. Loving my new cyber friends when feel like shit I come on here (22 hours per day) xxxx

At least you're keeping your sense of humour!

Roll on the 21st, hey? I hope you're feeling a bit better today. xx

Hi, I replied to your previous post coz in a slightly similar situation, don't want to cause offense but Sod the ex-MIL!!! She has a narrow minded view & is actually being cruel to say that you will fall apart & not cope....but you know what if you are anything like me that will just make you more determined to show everyone how well you can cope with this challenge!! You have said this baby is very much wanted & that will not change regardless of how your ex-p & ex-mil feel about the baby!!! My babies dad does'nt want anything to do with him & none of his family know but hey that will make me love my son more. I am not stupid I am under no illusion that life will be hard, I will be tired & skint, I will forever be sad that my son's dad cares nothing for him, I will carry some guilt & embarrassment about my situation but I will love my son more than words can say & look after him to the best of my abilities, & although my life will be no bowl of cherries if I had gone for the termination that he wanted me to have I would have regretted it for the rest of my life no more than that I would have been a tormented, screwed up mess for the rest of my life & I like myself too much to do that & would'nt want to subject my dd1 to seeing me like that!
I wish we lived closer together so I could offer you some support but I believe so strongly in the power of women & especially mothers, I know you will do a fine job with this baby!!
Tell them both your mind is made up, so if they have not got anything positive & supportive to say then they can keep quiet!!!!!! xxxx