Depressed and Humiliated

[helgaw99]

Hi all
Had my second go at an anomaly scan today at 25 + 4. First one was at 21 weeks. I am very overweight and carry all my weight around my belly so wasn't surprised that the 1st one didn't work. The sonographer made a big deal of it not being my fault and then wrote maternal BMI as the reason for the unclear scan, so it clearly is my fault.

Anyway, thought today would be much better as baby is that much bigger. Was all going fine- she could see head size, thigh bone, eye sockets etc but after about 10 mins stopped. She said that she still can't see the baby very clearly and there was no point continuing. Everything she could see looked totally fine, but she couldn't see the brain or the structure of the heart. She also said the machine wasn't brilliant, but it's all that was available. I asked what the next plan was and she said that they were going to give up on completing the Anomaly Scan and rebooked me for growth scans at 28 and 32 weeks to ensure baby was growing ok.

I feel really upset, like I have failed my baby by having such a massive belly and failed my husband who is clearly worried that they are giving up trying to check that everything is fine. I know there is nothing I can do now and I am quite pleased that I have only put 3 pounds on so far so must really be losing weight. I was considering a private scan- but I don't want the same thing to happen again and to have had to have paid for the pleasure to be told I am too fat to be a mother. (no one has said this- I am just punishing myself!)

Anyone in a similar position?

Thanks

Hiya,

Firstly sending you a hug, please stop being so hard on yourself! You said you must be losing weight so that is a positive thing, you quite rightly should be pleased with yourself. I am not in the same position and don't know what advice to give you, just read your post and wanted you to know I was thinking about you.
I do not think you have failed your DH or your bambino. I am not sure why they are using a machine that is clearly not that great, and think they could have been more sensitive and caring towards you.
The private scan can you discuss your concerns before going? I had my last baby 17 years ago things very different then.
I am taking medication ADS that I had hoped to be off before falling PG I have now found out I am already PG unplanned totally unexpected and I am also struggling with the feelings of letting others down especially the baby, it is horrible to feel like that and feeling like a bad person, or something may be wrong and its your fault, I know how that feels and my heart goes out to you.

Keep your chin up and I am sure lots of peeps on here will give you advice I am sorry I can't be of any real help.
Nxxxxxx

Argh no wonder your feeling so down:(

I would ring th private scan and see what they say explain what happened, and see what they suggest. They may have better equipment.

Well done on the weight gain so far, that's fab so you shoul be proud of yourself.

Let us know how you go:)

Hi
I too have a high bmi (58 at beginning of pregnancy) so understand your concerns. They managed to do my anomaly and growth scans, did they get you to lie on both sides and your back? That's how they did it with me and if you do decide to have a private scan, it might be something you want consider asking if it would help if they didn't do this first time around. I too carry a lot of weight around my middle (well, with a bmi of 58 I carry a lot of weight EVERYWHERE lol), I have a large fat fold that hangs down like an apron so you're not alone.
Please don't beat yourself up, being overweight is not going to harm your baby. Just because they can't see if everything is okay, doesn't mean it isn't. As long as you're looking after yourself during pregnancy then you have nothing to feel bad about, you can only do your best.
And please give yourself a large pat on the back for only gaining 3lb so far. I had to go to a maternal and wellbeing clinic from 24 weeks (or what I affectionately call "fat clinic" lol) and they told me to aim to gain not more than 6kg so that is well within what they might advise you to gain. You might find as well (like me) that you lose weight in your 3rd trimester. I lost 9lb in my first term, gained it all back in the 2nd term and then at the last "fat clinic" weigh in, I'd lost another 2lb.
Just because you're overweight does not make you a bad person and doesn't mean you can't carry a perfectly healthy baby. And it doesn't mean you're going to get all the pregnancy ailments under the sun either. My BP has been stable, I haven't got GD, they've now said I'm extremely unlikely to get pre-eclampsia, the baby is not too big but growing at a healthy, normal rate and I haven't gained even more weight.
Stay positive and believe in yourself and your baby xxx

Hope you start feeling better soon. :(

Hi
I know exactly where you're coming from - I started a thread on this a couple of weeks ago and got lots of support (something along the lines of too fat for a decent scan - so ashamed). Not sure of my BMI but I'm a size 16 and 5'2'' / 5'3''. Sonogropher made me feel like shit (comments like 'all my ladies have had high BMI today - my arm is killing cos of it...') - really spoilt the experience and I was devastated infront of DP.

You'll soon have a very wriggly baby in there who will reassure you everything is ok itself - hugs hun x

Thanks ladies. Baby is going bonkers tonight which always makes me feel better!

I keep thinking I'm doing really well. Not whinging, maintaining very busy full time job, staying active and healthy. I think it's just a bit depressing when faced with the only thing that there is nothing I can do anything about at the moment.

Sure I will feel better tomorrow and should be pleased with growth scans as more chances to see the little wriggler!

X

Hi, just a quick reply to say I had a private gender scan at 20 weeks as the nhs 20 week scan couldn't tell me the sex and the difference in quality between the two scans is immense. The private scan was of much better quality and they spent double the time on it. I'd highly reccomend it. X

If you go for a private scan, I'd recommend researching to make sure you get one that does the serious stuff routinely - first time I went for a private scan it was to a clinic that clearly spent most of its time doing 4D DVDs for people with no worries. I'd recommend the Fetal Medicine Centre in Harley street, I went to them this time and they got a decent scan despite other issues I had.

Some healthcare "professionals" shouldn't be let within a mile of actual patients, they're so rude... don't worry, it's not about you. And if it wasn't your weight, it would be something else...