Friend telling me about her horrific birth. I don't want to listen!

[GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy]

And I feel really mean. It's her first, today, and from the brief details I know she had a horrible time. I can tell she wants to offload and I don't blame her. But I'm due in a few weeks with dc2 and am just getting to the worked up and shit scared stage. I really can't handle her giving me chapter and verse about her experiences.

What can I say that is sympathetic and understanding but means she won't tell me? :(

Does she have anyone else that she can offload to? If so, I'd probably say something like "oh, don't tell me how bad it can be, I'd rather be blissfully ignorant" and then change the subject to how gorgeous her newborn is. I know that's not very sympathetic, but I don't think you should be forced to listen to things you don't want to hear.

The truth? Tell her what you just told us? Say you're sorry she had such a rotten time and that you'll want to hear all about it after you've had your baby, but right now you're shit scared about labour and you really need to take your mind off worrying about all the things that could go wrong and so you can't handle talking about this stuff at the moment?

What sort of delivery did you have before? Was it a tough one? Just thinking that maybe you BOTH need to unload. The maternity service at your hospital should be able to help with a debrief and if you yourself are struggling then that would be a good plan right now. I had three 'normal' births with episiotomy each time. GML - with none of them did I feel scared beforehand - a little apprehensive but always able to manage it and if somebody had told me a birth horror story I would have been able to nod and smile and distance myself from it. If you feel like you can't do that I reckon it's because you yourself need some support my love. Do you see what I mean? Your friend's situation is a red herring - it's you we should be worried about.

You know, it's funny. I was wondering about this today. As there have been a few high profile labour threads the last few days, it struck me that no one involved seemed scared. Uncomfortable, in pain, sweary, impatient yes, but not scared. It crossed my mind earlier to ask was no one actually scared of labour but I didn't.

With dd (3.10) I was induced, 4 hours from waters to baby but very uncaring mws and unhappy hospital stay. They don't seem to have changed much as far as I can tell. I am very worried about going back there. And yes, worried about the birth. I keep asking DH what it was really like and how bad did it seem to him. I was on pethidine and very spaced out.

My friend has spent her pregnancy on the phone to me as her advisor! I was expecting her to get in touch now as family have all gone home and she's on her own in the hospital, probably feeling like I did. And I want to make all the right noises, but tbh I have felt very down since she announced the birth and I know it's because I envy her for having it all over when mine is still to come.

Ah. Right well - what is your community midwife like? Can you articulate this to her? Just leave your friend to one side for now. You will be a better friend for getting your own head straight.

In discussion with her it might be better to get hold of your labour notes from last time then you can get that picture too. Have you got a TENS machine? I must say I've never used one but everybody who has has raved about it. I have a friend who like you had a miserable first delivery. Her second - she made some change, used TENS and went to a midwife led unit and had a good birth. I wonder if maybe the spaced out feelings are contributing to a lot of the fear here - very scary to feel out of yourself as it were.
What about hospital - how long do you want to stay in? It IS in your own hands. I stayed for four hours after dd2 - brilliant to only go to delivery, never have a sniff of a ward. With dd3 I was all set for the same but then they got a bit twitched about the amount of blood I lost (don't worry - that happens with third timers onwards, not second babies) and wanted me to stay overnight. I said that was absurd (it was then 4.30 AM!) but I would stay for 10-12 hours, went home in the afternoon. I think as long as you and baby are ok you are definately better getting out of hospital asap and finding your feet at home.

Forgot my tips for labour!

1. Thinking that every contraction you have is one that brings you nearer to your baby, It means the baby will be in your arms soon and you will never, ever have to have that particular contraction again. Every pain moves you on.

2. Counting - I got dh to count through the contraction so I could listen to his voice and know when he got to a certain point it was at the worst or I was passed the worst etc. Useful too in mapping your contractions. I know I was having two minuters with dd2, worst at about 1 minute 20 point but with dd3 they were 1 minute to 90 seconds at most and peaked at around 30 seconds. So helpful to know where you are.

3. Every labour is different - what's happened before is not necessarily what will happen again.

4. Upright position MUCH better than anything else. They can monitor you wherever you are so simply say 'I'm staying here' and let them work out how to work with you. You are there having a baby. They can't do it without you so you call the shots. When you get out of that room you will never in all probability see that midwife again but you will always remember how your birth made you feel so be your own advocate and say what you will be doing. They are caring for you - you are their priority. Make them hear you.