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Original poster

Gender stereotyping. It really gets to me.

41 replies

ChineapplePunk · 03/12/2011 11:04

I am currently 20 weeks pregnant with a wee boy nugget. Our family is dominated by girls, in fact, this will be the first boy in 36 years. Already people are starting to make silly comments about what a boy will be like and how it's nice because "he will take the name forward". I know people are just being kind, but jesus!, girls can, and do, take names forward. Not that I give a toss about "preserving the bloodline". There is also all the usual tripe being spouted such as "Ah! Boys are so much easier than girls, or conversely, girls are so much easier than boys". I mean, boys and girls ARE the same species for christs sake! Are they really THAT different?

As far as I'm concerned kids have different personalities and that really is the bottom line. Of course I appreciate there are differences in a physical sense AND, sadly, that boys and girls are unavoidably conditioned to a certain (large) extent. For example, most toy shops make my blood boil. Little pink ironing boards, washing machines, tea sets, etc, for girls, and little trucks, robots, machines, etc, for boys.

My child will play with what he wants to play with, be it trucks, teasets or cardboard boxes. Last year, my nephew from my DH's side wanted a big doll he saw in a magazine for xmas. His mum bought it for him and he was as happy as larry, yet, "the balloon went up" with certain family members because of this. Who cares? It was a toy which he loved to bits.

Grrrrr! I think I need a nice cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit. :)

OP posts:
BonnyBanks · 03/12/2011 11:12

YANBU bit these are two seperate issues.

Boys and girls are different IME, equal but different. Yes personality does play a role but parenting my wee boy us a completely different experience that parenting his twin sister. Not harder or easier, just different. If you will be having the first boy in your family that will be extra exciting for everyone but not more so than if it was the other way round.

Re toys though - buy your child what you want. We have never restricted our children by gender but to be fair she does like arts and crafts more and he likes to smash cars together more.

Original poster
ChineapplePunk · 03/12/2011 11:17

I understand that boys and girls are different. My point is that they are not as different as people like to make out. The stereotyping is so pervasive that it goes unnoticed most of the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChineapplePunk · 03/12/2011 11:23

And if a boy or girl just so happens not to conform to the defined behaviours and roles that society expects from either sex, then some people act like the sky is going to fall in.

OP posts:
Crosshair · 03/12/2011 11:28

I cant really see it as an issue, you cant force people to think how you do so why put time and energy into getting wound up about it.

Trills · 03/12/2011 11:29

You have my sympathy. Especially as the first response you got was someone saying "my sample of two tells me that stereotypes are correct".

Individuals are different. Your boy will be an individual with his own personality, which may or may not include aspects that are considered "boyish".

When it comes to dolls or household-y toys you'lll need to practise your puzzled look. Furrow your eyebrows a little and say in a confused voice "What, do men not look after babies then? My family lives in the 21st century.", "Are you saying that boys shouldn't play with toy kitchens because men don't cook? How odd"

Original poster
ChineapplePunk · 03/12/2011 11:32

I have no desire to make people think the way I do, Crosshair. But I like to discuss things that piss me off. It helps to relieve stress.

Trills, thank you!! :)

OP posts:
Wormshuffler · 03/12/2011 11:38

It's just conversation, take it with a pinch of salt. For the record though my ds was a far easier baby than my dd. Until he got to aged 3 :)

franke · 03/12/2011 11:39

Here you go Brew Biscuit

I feel your pain and I think the genuinely crass stuff people come out with is magnified x1000 when you're pg.

The first boy in 36 years must be quite exciting for the family though.

But as you've already worked out, your child your rules and sod the lot of 'em Grin

BonnyBanks · 03/12/2011 11:50

Actually Trills, that's not what I was trying to say. I apologise if because I was posting quickly (see typos!) that I didn't make myself clear. The OP has not yet had the delightful experience of parenting yet. She seemed (to me) to be implying that children are blank slates on which we (society) impose our wills. While it is true that society imposes certain gender based expectations I fervently disagree that this is the whole basis for all male/female differences. I never said that stereotypes were always correct.

My point was that some aspects of parenting boys and girls ( in my very humble opinion Trills) are different, regardless of which f-ing toys they play with.

A friend had a little boy last year after having all girls. She was furious during her pregnancy that people told her that a boy would be different. 17 months on she said " boys are diffetent"

Trills · 03/12/2011 11:55

Oh I agree absolutely that children are not blank slates.

I just think that the way in which each individual is not a blank slate does not divide along gender lines.

You have parented two children, they were different. That doesn't mean that boys and girls are different to each other any more than two girls are different to each other. Even if you went on to have another girl and she happened to be exactly like your first girl, that doesn't actually mean anything.

Original poster
ChineapplePunk · 03/12/2011 11:59

Bonnybanks, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I know boys are girls are different. I said it in my initial post.

"I didn't make myself clear. The OP has not yet had the delightful experience of parenting yet. She seemed (to me) to be implying that children are blank slates on which we (society) impose our wills. While it is true that society imposes certain gender based expectations I fervently disagree that this is the whole basis for all male/female differences."

I didn't suggest that this was the whole basis for "all male/female differences".

OP posts:
spannermary · 03/12/2011 12:03

Chineapplepunk I could've written this post myself! I am pretty appalled by the catalogues of children's clothes/toys I've come across since becoming pregnant, and was quietly slightly worried about having a girl (I was convinced the little man inside me was female till we saw his bits at 20 weeks!) Worried, I emphasise, not because I didn't want a girl - far from it - but concerned at how to handle the sea of pink EVERYTHING, the princesses, fairies, and ridiculously age inappropriate girls clothing. It made my long-dormant feminist side rear its head. What message does this outrageous stereotyping send us, and our offspring, about equality? Now I know I'll be parenting a little boy, my focus has shifted to raising a young man who is able to make his own choices - as you have said - he may like trucks; he may like dolls. Quite a minefield!

somewherewest · 03/12/2011 12:09

I'm 9 months pregnant with my first and really sympathise with the OP. As a child I was what people used to call a tomboy. I had no interest in dresses and dolls, lived in scruffy jeans and preferred playing with stereotypical boys' toys. I want my DS to have the same freedom I had, rather than being constrained by gender expectations.

LennyGodber · 03/12/2011 12:18

yanbu!

Friend pretty much told me she won't be able to "control her DS" because he's a boy (tiny baby just now) - erm, ok! This is probably because someone else we know has a totally out of control toddler, but she can't do anything to help him moderate his behaviour because "boys will be boys". Load of crap.

LennyGodber · 03/12/2011 12:19

sorry, not AIBU, I'll get me coat!

thisoldman · 03/12/2011 12:29

I think you've got off lightly tbh.

Everyone I know who's said they're having a boy has had loads of sympathy and "oh dear, better luck next time" comments.

People don't seem to value baby boys as much as baby girls these days, not here anyway Sad

Original poster
ChineapplePunk · 03/12/2011 12:36

Do you mean on Mumsnet, or in this country?

OP posts:
PeggyCarter · 03/12/2011 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

duzida · 03/12/2011 15:48

take comfort in that fact that you're going to be the mother, not the rest of your family. You will have the fun of dressing him (there is stuff that isn't blue or pink, you just have to look harder), working out what he likes playing with and finding toys and books that he loves, and letting him know that he can do whatever he likes, now and when he grows up. You'll find lots of likeminded mothers once you're out with him.

I had very similar comments from my in laws, I mainly let them wash over me (except I got v. cross once when FIL said 'oh are you a mummy's boy?' when DS cried for me). I felt just like you did. Now DS is 2 and as parents we both love seeing what he chooses to do and play with and be like. He does love diggers and trucks, but hey, totally his choice! He also loves cooking and dancing around the living room. Love him to death, for all of it.

Original poster
ChineapplePunk · 03/12/2011 16:04

Thanks everyone. Glad to know there are people out there who feel the same way I do.

Duzida, I'm actually just back from the shops. Got some lovely little stripey tops and cute little trews. I couldn't resist, even though I'm only 20 weeks. :) Boy or girl, this child was always going to be striped up to the max. I love stripey clothes!!

OP posts:
LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 03/12/2011 17:21

I can't bear the colour pink. Much like I can't bear the colour brown. I will not be buying anything in either of these colours for my LO (of unknown gender due nxt week).

It pisses me off that by not buying anything pink i'm 'making a statement' but I am 'allowed' to not buy brown things based purely on not liking it.

Original poster
ChineapplePunk · 03/12/2011 17:33

LikeAnAdventCandle, I'm not a pink loving person either. And you're right about the "making a statement" bollocks. Not wanting to drown kids in either pink or baby blue should not be an issue.

OP posts:
LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 03/12/2011 17:43

I know, and I love navy blue, which I have bought a LOT of. Im already getting the 'oh you must secretly want a boy then' comments. No....I just want this babygrow which is navy with white stars on, which happens to be how stars actually LOOk on this planet - white on a dark blue background.

And breathe

Original poster
ChineapplePunk · 03/12/2011 17:50

I bought my niece, who is not yet one yr old, an adorable little navy blue cardy. She looks great in it!
Green is my favourite colour. My little'un WILL be subjected to that colour on a fairly regular basis.

OP posts:
HardCheese · 03/12/2011 18:41

I hear you, Chineapple. I'm 24 weeks pregnant with a boy, and we're keeping the sex to ourselves precisely because of this tiresome kind of gender stereotyping. I don't anticipate it from friends, but both families positively drip with it, and I hope by holding off on telling people the sex, we'll minimise the HIghly Gendered Baby Presents. I've already had to train my mother out of saying (when I mention a particularly powerful kick) 'Oh, it must be a little footballer' etc. It's not a footballer, or a fecking fairy princess, it's a baby, who is going remain a baby for quite some time before it has any consciousness of its own gender whatsoever. He is not going to be dressed head to toe in blue as an infant, as I hope that as he grows up he'll be absorbing all kinds of good, complex messages about gender identity from me and his lovely father, who, as well as being football mad and in an insanely macho industry, is a wonderful cook, a gentle soul, and a thoroughly domestic individual.