Is it the right time for another baby?

[DevonshireDaisy]

Dear All,

My partner and I had our first little boy in February this year - he is now (almost) 10 months and doing great. He is walking whilst pushing his stroller and has always been such a chilled out little boy. We also have our dog who is brilliant with our baby boy and now some chickens. We live in a lovely little home and life for me is brilliant. When we found out we were expecting we had always said we would not just have the one child as we wanted them to grow up with siblings, we both have 2 other siblings each. We are both 28 and soon to be 29. In 2013 we have a list of to-do's for our 30th birthdays and said that whatever may happen we would ensure that we would not be pregnant or have any babies that year. So we are in a predicament as to whether we try and have our next baby very soon (in the next 3 months) or whether we wait until near the end of 2013. If we wait our first baby will be 3 when they are born. This a bigger age gap than I had wanted. I want my babies to grow up together and as close as possible to one another - I would have happily got pregnant 6 months after our first little boy was born. The main dilemma I have is discussing this with my partner. We discuss everything but he has just started a new job and I didnt want to bring things up until he was more settled. Yesterday he came home to tell me he hates his job! I just gave in my notice and wont be returning from maternity leave as my employer couldnt offer me the hours I needed and I dont have any family near by to help with childcare. I am happy staying at home and looking to start childminding to help bring in some extra money. However, now that my partner has dropped this Bombshell I dont want to add to his woes. I am sure he would happily try for another baby but I also know he feels he should look after us all and this would add to his stress. As an answer to hating his job he has wanted to start his own business which I support him whole heartily with and have been telling him to do for ages as I believe it would be great for him and I think it could really work well.

As you can see things are a little all over the place and Im very confused on whether to bring this up or just keep quiet. I keep dreaming about having another baby and finding myself quite upset and down about the idea of waiting. I dont know if this is a normal postnatal emotion or just me..?

Has anyone else felt like this or been in a similar position? Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Thank you

xx

Personally I'd wait. I have a 3.5 year gap and it's great. No jealousy, no double buggy. DC1 old enough to understand and help out. Also I feel I can savour every stage of DC2's development, rather than feel jaded about it because I've only recently done it with DC1.

Thanks CTJanice. This is something I have thought of. I mean I dont want my baby boy to be jealous or to feel pushed out by the second. However, I have a friend who waited and at 3 years old her eldest hit and punched her (the mum) for the first 4 months of her second daughter being born. It was awful for them all. I suppose everyone is just different though.

I would do it now personally as I like small gaps and 3 imE is worse for jealousy issues. I know not all the time but just from the siblings I know

Thanks Kayano

You're assuming that you'll conceive when you want. This site is full of people who conceived one baby without batting an eyelid, and then years for a second. If you want another baby, just do it! You could always start ttc now, then stop in 3 montsh time if no joy yet.

If you wait for 'the right time to have another', it will never happen, something always comes up and it's put back for another few months/ a year etc. I've found smaller age gaps better, all of my friends who have huge gaps between kids wonder how I can cope with 4 (when dd3 was born I had 4 under 8), it's alot easier if you don't get the older ones to a more independent stage before going back to baby stage again. I've always had a toddler and a baby at the same time apart from no.1. If you want another one now then go for it :)

i was in a similar situation but knew i wanted mine close together.

dh was not happy in his job for a while, eventually left and worked from home on his own business for a while then did some training then got his dream job so is now v.v happy at work. that year he worked at home was v.v hard - trying to get his business going and me struggling with 2 v.young kids but it gave hime time to think through and try various things and move on to something much better.

having kids close together means i feel like i haven't given them as much as i could have to start with, compared to waiting till dc1 is at nursery and having a few hours just with baby. in a way that would be great but i know when they are older and going through school i wanted them close together so i'll get my benefits later on. they are also very close and things are now much easier as i have 2 at such a similar stage developmentally - they both play with the same toys, do the same activites, do the same toddler classes, go to bed at the same time. the baby stuff has also only been in storage for a few months and i can now have a massive clearout!

My sister is 13 months older than me...and it was a nightmare being just 1 school year below. It probably didn't help that she was super competitive but I am going to have at least 1 clear school year between ours. Even though we'll get the double whammy of GCSEs and A Levels...if they still exist. ;)

I'm not sure why you're putting a condition on not being pregnant in your 30th year? I'd imagine having two small kids would be more restrictive on your ability to complete your wish list than being pregnant? With your DP's career plans etc., it sounds like you could benefit from letting go of that additional constraint so you've got a bit more flexibility.

It took us a long time to conceive no 1, and I know plenty of others who had no 1 without problems and have had difficulty conceiving no 2 or further kids, so you can't necessarily timetable it anyway. We're definitely not going to leave it too long to start trying for baby 2 in case it takes the same amount of time again.

Starting your own business is a big deal and it can take a few years of hard graft to get going with periods of earning not much money (and can also be a big financial drain on the family during start-up if investment's needed, depending on what you do) so it makes sense to have the conversation about the next baby with your DP as part of the context of your longer term plans as a family. Rather than thinking about it as bothering him, think about it as taking an active role in supporting his plans and making sure where a new baby fits in your joint plans so you're both on the same page.

Good luck! I hope you work it out.

Hi,

Thanks to everyone for their comments. Think I will have a word with my partner and see what his thoughts - it is a joint decision after all. I suppose I am just shocked by this over whelming feeling of wanting another baby and I'm a little worried he wont be on the same page..