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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Announcing your pregnant when someone else has mc...

24 replies

sharond101 · 28/11/2011 14:14

I am planning to tell my work colleagues in two weeks my news of being pregnant unless they bring up my bulging middle before then!

I work only part time and with different staff each shift. Once or twice per week I work with a girl whom I gave some support to last year after a miscarriage, her fourth. I had miscarried earlier in the year and we had a heart to heart. Since then we always ask after one another but never approach the baby issue directly.

I plan on announcing my news on a Sunday when I will be with my most regular staff. This girl won't be at work until the Monday and starts much earlier than I do and thus will hear from someone other than me.

Having miscarried myself it's been my biggest dread someone telling me they were expecting as I wouldn't know how I would react. I cried when I found out someone my husband worked with wife was having a baby. I had known her years before but not seen her for sometime or been close to her. I am scared this girl will be upset on hearing the news and that it might be strained if I do not tell her myself. Would you tell her before the others or do you think she'd prefer not to be treated differently. I don't know what to do.

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Nanny01 · 28/11/2011 14:25

I would tell her before the others

Tuppenyrice · 28/11/2011 14:28

If you dont you will certainly drift further apart. It's courtesy and you sound really kind. Tell her first.

Tuppenyrice · 28/11/2011 14:28

Sorry, also - congratulations!

eurochick · 28/11/2011 14:28

Tell her first and at the end of the day so she can go home and come to terms with it.

Do you need to announce it anyway? I'm sure people will work it out in time.

KatAndKit · 28/11/2011 14:29

I agree, tell her you were going to make an announcement but wanted to give her a heads up first because you knew the topic might upset her and you didn't want her to find out on the office grapevine and be caught unawares.

planetpotty · 28/11/2011 14:29

Good idea nanny I concur

Take her for a coffee or something and just be honest and open and tell her how it used to make you feel and she will probably burst into tears and be happy for you all at the same time.

How lovely that you've recognised how it could make her feel.

IssyStark · 28/11/2011 14:38

Definitely tell her first so she can be prepared for people mentioning it on Monday morning.

I have miscarried repeatedly and after my second m/c a friend took an hour trip to come and tell me she was pregnant, before she announced it more broadly to our freindship group. Given that her due date was almost exactly the same as for the pregnancy I'd just lost it helped me a great deal: I could go off and cry privately before facing everyone else and be happy (as I was) about her news.

oflip · 28/11/2011 14:38

Please take a minute to tell her yourself.

Having had 6 mcs myself, i have seen lots of peoples pregnancies go the course. Its fine, but it is just nice to be told by the person rather than to have to put a huge brave face on in front of colleagues who know your history.
Awkward for all concerned. Easier if you can mentally prepare.
Its just human kindness i spose

sillymillyb · 28/11/2011 14:55

You seem lovely, and huge congratulations on your happy news.

I haven't really anything to add, but from personal experience I def think being told at the end of a day before any one else would be the way to go. That way she has time to prepare her "game face" and get used to the idea with some privacy.

Good luck and congrats again :)

IslandIsla · 28/11/2011 15:28

My close friend had an mc a couple of months before I found out I was pregnant. I told her first by email, as I know she is the type of person for which she would need a bit of time to digest the news, and not have to put on a 'face' for me. Then we talked about it when she was ready. I think it would be best to tell her first, in the way you think would be easiest for her.

PieMistress · 28/11/2011 19:22

Congrats on your pregnancy :)

Just to ditto what the others have said - I would definitely tell her first before the others and, at the end of the day if possible, what silly has said really x

Original poster

sharond101 · 29/11/2011 22:22

Spoke to DH about this tonight and he thinks it's rubbing her face in the fact I am pregnant and she is not. This is not at all my intention and I tried to role play what I would say to her with him but could hardly start the conversation. Our work situation is complicated by the fact that at the end of the day we are all congregated together to leave as there is money around and security rules mean we would not get time on our own.

OP posts:

Biscuitsandtea · 30/11/2011 07:04

Hi Sharon - I think it's great that you're considering her feelings so much.

I agree with the others though that it would be best to try to get a few seconds with her to tell her at the end of the day. If you all leave together could you just ask if she could spare you a minute or two - people must go their separate ways at some point as you leave?

I had a similar situation - my friend and I had both been ttc no. 2 for over a year, and we got pg after 19 mths. 2 days before my 12 week scan she texted to say she'd had a mc at 9 weeks . We were planning to tell everyone after the scan (as I have had a mc before). I was worried enough about telling her about it anyway (I felt as though I was deserting her in the ttc battle?) but it all couldn't have come at a worse time.

I debated for ages how to tell her. I would have preferred to tell her in person but we rarely see each other as we have moved apart. We certainly weren't going to be seeing each other for a good few weeks, and i didn't want her to find out on the grapevine. So I opted for a text in the end, when I knew she'd be at home in the evening so she could process it in her own way. (for us, we mostly text or meet in person, rarely speak on the phone so it seemed the best method of communication in our particular circumstances, although generally I wouldn't pick text for that sort of thing)

If your colleague does hear it on the grapevine first, from what you say this'll probably be at the start of her shift on Monday? That might be very hard for her to have to manage a whole day like it? Especially if you have a customer facing job? (I have no idea if you do or not?)

My DH was a bit like yours from the sound if it, but I think by telling her face to face you can make it very clear that you're not rubbing her face in it. In the end my dh did come round to seeing the point i was trying to make. I'm sure she'll be happy for you, but probably a bit sad for herself too so it's kind (IMO) to give her a chance to get her game face on. Don't forget too that if she knows you had a mc she probably knows you are ttc? So it might make her a bit sad but won't be a bolt from the blue iyswim?

Anyway, good luck with your pg and your friend

PinkFondantFancy · 30/11/2011 07:12

Do you have her phone number? Could you call or text her? It's lovely of you to think of her feelings

buonasera · 30/11/2011 07:21

Having had 3 miscarriages I've been in this situation a few times. I'd agree with Pink - phone or text would be good as then she doesn't have to try and put a brave face on it with you. The advantage is that you can control the timing then, but she doesn't have to make a brave face in front of you - that's the hardest thing I always found, doing that beauty queen runner-up face.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 30/11/2011 07:39

Agree, tell her first. My close colleagues knew but the rest found out the day a non frequent colleague popped in with her news. I tried so hard but I couldn't handle it and fled the office. Everyone knew after that. Not her fault of course but horrible all the same.

And congratulations :)

belgo · 30/11/2011 07:41

I wouldn't announce the news at all. Just tell people; the news soon gets around like wild fire.

SoupDragon · 30/11/2011 07:44

I had this with a close friend - I told her via email, and explained why, so that she would not have to deal with me face to face and could sort out her own feelings before speaking to me. As it turned out, she was also pregnant and due a month after me.

Original poster

sharond101 · 30/11/2011 13:27

We are not close enough to text or phone. I am managerial she isn't and it is preferred we don not socialise outside of work. We are customer facing and she has been very upset at work before with regards to her situation.

The timing of my scan and when we planned to tell people is inconvenient for me to tell her first as I have my scan on the Wednesday and won't work with her until the Monday but I feel I have to make the effort.

I don't plan to make an announcement as such. Just mention to those I work alongside most often, which would be on the Sunday, and they will make sure the news gets around I am sure!

OP posts:

Biscuitsandtea · 30/11/2011 13:47

Could you perhaps consider telling this colleague before your scan? I know it's not ideal but she will at least understand the pre-scan nerves? It is certainly a tricky tricky one?

Or alternatively delay telling others until after Monday? But then you risk your perhaps closer colleagues finding out on the grapevine when you'd rather tell them in person?

Original poster

sharond101 · 30/11/2011 17:21

Wondering whether to buy a pretty card and give her that telling her about it. I could drop that off on a day after my scan before I would see her on the MOnday?

OP posts:

Biscuitsandtea · 30/11/2011 17:26

Oh that's a really good idea Sharon (I think). That way she can open it in her own time and space and in the privacy of her own home I guess? I'm assuming you mean you could drop it off at home?

I'm sure she'll appreciate the heads up on it.

pregnantmimi · 01/12/2011 00:37

I have been in the same situation and told the lady first before everyone else said I was worried about telling her after what had happened and hope she not too upset etc. She said she was pleased for me then went on to ignor me and make nasty comments about how "fat" I looked and not being sympathetic when I had bad morning sickness ignoring my texts etc and generally being misrable all the way thou so dont see her anymore if it was me I would like to think I would be pleased for her. So its nice you care but I wouldnt worry too much.

justhayley · 01/12/2011 08:09

how lovely are you! I agree with most on here, I would tell her first or maybe call her over the weekend xx

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